Cancelled plans for today

[kitttykattt]

Merry Christmas! I'm just posting on here to get some perspective really. I stayed at DP's house Xmas Eve and left early Xmas morning. His DC went to his not long after I'd gone, plan was for them to go home around midday today. DP was then coming to mine this afternoon, having dinner and staying the night. DP has just text to say that his DC wants to stay another night tonight and he's agreed, which has obviously cancelled our plans. How would you feel about this? His DC asks to stay extra quite a lot and DP always agrees (I have no problem with this at all as it's great he sees his child lots), I just feel a bit put out. Just wanted to have a quick vent on here as we very rarely get child free time (mine are at their Dad's today and overnight).

I think it’s nice to hear about a father that wants to spend extra time with their children. I hear of far too many that are happy with an hour or 2 a week.
I understand that you’d feel put out because of cancelled plans but try and see it in a positive light...you’ve met a man that’s being the father his children need him to be.

I’d operate under an expectation of flexibility when it comes to his children and particularly holidays. It fine to be disappointed, but in your shoes I think you have to assume plans can change like this. Just like if your DC called to say they were coming home early from their dads. Would you say no?

I think I'm just disappointed as 1) it's so last minute and 2) we have opposite contact schedules with our kids so us having no kids at the same time happens about once every 6 months

No it's not okay. Yes it nice and obviously you prob wouldn't have said no but he should have discussed it with you before agreeing. A cll saying dc have sked xyz I know we had plans, is that okay... Or alternatively would you like to come to mine and we can do xyz together.
No discussion or consideration isn't acceptable from a partner

This might not be the man for you

His kids come first. So they should. You're lucky to have found a man with morals.

Have you met his dc? How long have you been together? Depending on the answer to these I'd have expected there to be some discussion about you going to his instead. I'd be disappointed that the plans had been cancelled, pleased that he puts his dc first, but annoyed that he showed no respect to you to discuss anything about it and just told you. That's not a partner. That's a casual boyfriend. Is this something he does regularly?

@FestiveFannyGallops Yes I've met his child and we've been together 4 years. DP lives with his brother so he tends to stay at mine more than I do his.

I would not be happy to be dropped at the last minute on Boxing Day.

Ok. Was there any reason you couldn't join them there? Why does he live with his brother? After 4 years I'd expect you to be more blended than that. Can schedules not be altered to give you more time together? Sorry for all the questions! Just trying to see what's what.

That would really piss me off as he made plans with you. He could have said sorry I have plans tonight but what about tomorrow night as their mother sounds like shes flexible.
But he cant untell them. Perhaps he or you could get a babysitter in next week to have some time or he or you can swap days their your kids' other parents so you have an overnight together

@FestiveFannyGallops @disconnecteddrifter He hasn't mentioned me going over there instead. He moved in with his brother when he moved out of his ex's and is saving to buy a new one. My house isn't big enough for him to move in to. His ex is flexible with their child if it suits her, if that makes sense. There is no way she would swap contact weekend, and DC would not ask her to either. I've asked my ex but they have it in sync with his wife's kids and their Dad.

This relates back to a recent thread on here where we were talking about how the children don’t always have to come first. I think he’s unreasonable.

Children don’t always come first in any relationship. Not when it comes to a child’s WANTS. It’s not like it was an emergency. Imagine if he had plans with his kids and then cancelled on them to be with the op... why is it somehow ok the other way around?

At the very least he should have spoken to you first op. But even then it would have been backing you in to a corner.

My kids understand that they come first and always will do, but they also understand that I am my own person and if I have plans then I will not drop them (unless they were ill or upset etc). I think it's healthy for kids to see a balance and that the world doesn't completely revolve around them. I mean that in the nicest possible way!

Then you need to have a few conversations. I'm a step mum and I get annoyed if the sdcs mum wants to change plans late minute if it messes up my plans but I also understand plans change and know that she would change for me. Its give and take. Your ex can have your kids an extra night as a one off. Additionally it was inconsiderate of your partner to change plans without speaking to you. Kids wants dont come first and nor should they. I'm sorry your plans have been scuppered. I hope you let your partner know that you are upset and why

My kids understand that they come first and always will do, but they also understand that I am my own person and if I have plans then I will not drop them

Exactly right!

Imagine if he had plans with his kids and then cancelled on them to be with the op... why is it somehow ok the other way around?

Do you really not understand the difference between your children and your partner?

@funinthesun19

This relates back to a recent thread on here where we were talking about how the children don’t always have to come first. I think he’s unreasonable.

Children don’t always come first in any relationship. Not when it comes to a child’s WANTS. It’s not like it was an emergency. Imagine if he had plans with his kids and then cancelled on them to be with the op... why is it somehow ok the other way around?

At the very least he should have spoken to you first op. But even then it would have been backing you in to a corner.

I think the need to feel loved and wanted by your father is definitely a need. Growing up thinking your dad would rather spend time with his girlfriend than you can definitely cause issues.

I don't understand why you couldn't go round there and all be together therefore noone has to suffer.

Dropping your partner last minute is disrespectful unless it's for an emergency and in this instance it seems unnecessary.

@12frogsincoats I don't think being disrespectful to your partner and dropping them last minute with no discussion shows "morals" at all.

Do you really not understand the difference between your children and your partner?

Of course I do. But I also don’t think that if someone has plans with their partner and their child suddenly decides that they want to do something which will end up cancelling the parent’s plans, that the child gets to do it.

If this was a parent meeting up with a friend or family member rather than their partner, there just wouldn’t be this “won’t someone think of the children?” attitude. People would just see it as normal life and nobody would think anything of it.

@KylieKoKo He's not suggested me going over there instead and I'd feel a bit rude inviting myself!

I think the need to feel loved and wanted by your father is definitely a need. Growing up thinking your dad would rather spend time with his girlfriend than you can definitely cause issues.
Oh for Gods sake!
Seriously???
OP's dp & his ex made their plans & then the dp made plans with op - child changes his/her mind & op is the one who has to bear the brunt of the fallout. That's not good parenting - it's simply the dp, his ex & their child deciding that THEIR plans & decisions are more important than OP's!!!!
Selfish.

@12frogsincoats

I think the need to feel loved and wanted by your father is definitely a need. Growing up thinking your dad would rather spend time with his girlfriend than you can definitely cause issues.

I think there's already serious issues if children feel unloved and unwanted because their father has made plans to do something else. I don't think teaching children that others should drop existing plans at a moment's notice or they don't love them is how you raise them into secuere, well-balanced adults.

DP's child sees DP whenever he wants so I don't think he would feel 'unloved' if his Dad had said no on this occasion.

He's not suggested me going over there instead and I'd feel a bit rude inviting myself!

It seems really strange to me that after being in a relationship with this man for 4 years you'd feel rude about amending plans to meet? Maybe this isn't the relationship for you?