Cancelled plans for today

[kitttykattt]

Merry Christmas! I'm just posting on here to get some perspective really. I stayed at DP's house Xmas Eve and left early Xmas morning. His DC went to his not long after I'd gone, plan was for them to go home around midday today. DP was then coming to mine this afternoon, having dinner and staying the night. DP has just text to say that his DC wants to stay another night tonight and he's agreed, which has obviously cancelled our plans. How would you feel about this? His DC asks to stay extra quite a lot and DP always agrees (I have no problem with this at all as it's great he sees his child lots), I just feel a bit put out. Just wanted to have a quick vent on here as we very rarely get child free time (mine are at their Dad's today and overnight).

I think that kids who have to shuffle between 2 homes have pretty much gathered that the world does not revolve around them and or their preferences. They have already experienced the fact that mom and dad's lives are structured first to suit mom and dad, and then a schedule is arranged for the kids.

As an adult and parent, flexibility is one of the traits that makes life easier. Having plans canceled is always a disappointment, but it is not the end of the world.

You say that you would cancel your plans if your kids were ill or upset. Maybe his standards are ill, upset, or expressing a need to spend more time with him. What seems like them spending a lot of time with him may not be the way that they experience their opportunities to spend time with him.

His kids and your kids both will probably reach the stage soon enough where they want to spend more time with friends and less time with parents.

If your kids were gone and your partner was not there, you had the rarest of all gifts - " me time." Learn to cherish your " me time." That is when you can be most self indulgent.

If it was for no good reason and just simply they fancied staying another night then I'd be annoyed I was cancelled on with prior plan. If he sees his child regularly enough of course also

A situation I had which some might disagree on..

A had arranged with DP to go car shopping for me and I wanted to pick one that day and get it signed off because car sharing was a nightmare with shift work. It was a Saturday when my DP didn't have his kids, his youngest called in the Morning saying that his mum was going to the zoo with cousins and aunties and he really didn't want to go so could he come to dads for the day instead (9 so couldn't stay home alone)

DP asked me and I said no way was I taking a 9 year old to shop for a car all day so no I didnt want him to say yes however if he couldn't turn him down I'd go with someone else to buy true car and yes I was in a mood about it.

DP told his son that he was busy and what the situation was so no he would be bored and miserable with us so he should go the zoo and have fun.

I got so much slack for that from DP Family but you know what I think that's how it should be! Kids need to know what sometimes it everything can be dropped by dad just because they are not the RP!

Children definitely come first and if my child asked on Boxing Day to spend more time with me there is no way I would say no!

He sounds like a good Dad.

4 years, no blending and being dropped like a stone on boxing day? You deserve better.

@Tiredoftattler

I think that kids who have to shuffle between 2 homes have pretty much gathered that the world does not revolve around them and or their preferences. They have already experienced the fact that mom and dad's lives are structured first to suit mom and dad, and then a schedule is arranged for the kids.

As an adult and parent, flexibility is one of the traits that makes life easier. Having plans canceled is always a disappointment, but it is not the end of the world.

You say that you would cancel your plans if your kids were ill or upset. Maybe his standards are ill, upset, or expressing a need to spend more time with him. What seems like them spending a lot of time with him may not be the way that they experience their opportunities to spend time with him.

His kids and your kids both will probably reach the stage soon enough where they want to spend more time with friends and less time with parents.

If your kids were gone and your partner was not there, you had the rarest of all gifts - " me time." Learn to cherish your " me time." That is when you can be most self indulgent.

Exactly this

It nice that his kids wanted to spend a bit of extra time with him at Christmas. He must be doing something right.
It’s disappointing but if it’s not part of a larger pattern of being dropped all the time because the kids want then I’d try to just enjoy the peace and try to plan another child free night sometime soon.

It depends on the age of the kids really. I understand the last minute cancellation is frustrating....but often parents who are separated can carry guilt over it and as dad's especially are usually the NRP... when a child asks to stay longer, it's a sign they're enjoying the time and you don't get these years back.

The child is out of the comfort of their own house, where they probably have their own bedroom and all their stuff, yet they still want another night with dad...that's a positive IMO.

My experience is that NRPs, usually dad's need to work a lot harder to have a good relationship with their kids...some dads don't actually realise they haven't got a good relationship.

With pretty much everywhere closed, its not like you were going out or had anything special planned. That would be very different.

From a child's POV...that this situation would be dad choosing to see his GF over them.

No, it's really not ok to cancel plans because something better comes along, even if that something better happens to be spending more time with your DC.

It really would have been fine for him to say "I've got a few things to do today", and suggest another time to see his DC, particularly as he sees them lots anyway. It would be unnecessary for him to say he's doing things with you; DC don't need to know the minutiae of everything in their parents lives.

It was disrespectful of him to have agreed it even before speaking to you; if he had, you may have said "no worries".

That said, it is good that your DP's DC clearly have a good relationship with him, what's not good is that he pivots around them at your expense. It's the hallmark of a Disney Dad, and I'd be wary of this, having experienced it myself.

@Merlotmum85

4 years, no blending and being dropped like a stone on boxing day? You deserve better.

This is exactly the issue

Move on op. Find someone who does give a shit.

@12frogsincoats

His kids come first. So they should. You're lucky to have found a man with morals.

Bollocks to that. It doesn't need to be kids first and fuck everyone else. Doesn't work.

Bollocks to that. It doesn't need to be kids first and fuck everyone else. Doesn't work.

It’s cringeworthy. Lucky to have found a man with morals? 🤢 Pass me the sick bucket.
It seems like the expectation that “children come first always” is only placed on NRPs (mainly men). I bet any money that an RP is allowed to have other important people in their lives and have balance.

All the "children coming first" stuff just sets up a dynamic where the children and the step mum are in a competition where one party gets to "win". Surely it's better that everyone treats everyone with respect which helps to build a good long term relationship between children and step parents.

The respectful thing to do in this case would have been for the ops partner to explain that he already had plans with the op to his child and the arrange for them to all hang out together.

I'm a step mum OP and it seems odd to me that after four years your lives are separate. If he had asked you to stay, given the change of plans, could and would you have said yes?

Just to answer a few questions!

DP's DC is 9, nearly 10.
He has his own room at DP's, his own clothes, toys, console etc.
There is never more than about 3 or 4 days between him seeing his child.
His DC has their own phone so will often text DP to ask to come over.
Yes DP has cancelled on me a few times as his child has asked to stay extra.
Yes I would have gone over yesterday if he'd asked me too.

I'd be dropping him like he dropped you. Permanently.

It’s Christmas and they wanted to spend more time with him so he made the right call. Telling them he rather see his GF than have them for extra time over Christmas wouldn’t have been nice for them at all. They should come first and be priority over his dating life.

@kitttykattt
It may be that your partner has what he feels to be an a.adequate amount of partner time but less than the amount of child time that he desires.

The question might not be why is he choosing to spend time with his child when given the opportunity, but instead what about your relationship makes him not feel the same lack of time together that you are feeling?

This may be a relationship issue that has little to nothing to do with his kid.

Women are often quick to attribute a partner's lack of need or interest in spending the same quantity of time together as having to do with the kids, sometimes it can just be that the excitement or newness of the relationship has run its course and the partner does not feel the same level of need or interest in being together as often.

My Its time to reevaluate that which both of you may need or want from this relationship. Do you find him as interesting and stimulating as you did in the beginning of your relationship? Time may simply be taking a toll on the relationship that has absolutely nothing to do with the kids. He may just be using the kid as a polite excuse to sometimes have his own"me time." Between work, his kid, and your relationship, he may realize that he too needs some alone time.

He is having his child for quite a bit of the Christmas week - if it had been the other way around then I wouldn't have cancelled our plans but I guess everyone is different.

I thinks it's ok to be upset. And it's ok for him to prioritise extra time with his DC. But I do think he should of invited you over or come to you with his DC

After 4 years together, your DP really should have considered your feelings in this, and it doesn't sound like he did at all.

I'm guessing OP, that you may have been planning a meal for the two of you, got some nice bits in that you wouldn't ordinarily, or perhaps planned on getting a takeaway, and now you're left on your own. It's not the same cooking for one, that's if you bother.

You say he's done this before OP, which most likely means he'll do it again in future, and you'll feel put out by it again.

If you've never said anything before, I'd mention it to your DP, saying that you understand his DC is a priority in his life, but that doesn't extend to dropping you whenever DC calls (illness etc excepted). It's rude and inconsiderate of him.

If you've raised it previously, and he's continuing to behave this way, you already have your answer, and need to decide whether or are happy to live like that, especially in future if you move in together.

@Starseeking Yes I'd got some bits in for dinner and a bottle of wine. DP said it could be saved for another night but my DC wouldn't eat it so I've put whatever I could in the freezer. I have raised it with him previously but it continues to happen as he does not ever say no to his child.

Oh @kitttykattt - get rid.
Seriously - he is not going to change & he is being so cavalier with your feelings & your efforts that it's clear he's a pretty selfish person.
I do not think it is acceptable that 4 years into a relationship he is still 'dumping' you for ad hoc arrangements with his dc - this will get worse as dc becomes a teen & lifts etc. are needed more.
You deserve better & there are men out there who can manage & want to prioritise dc & a partner.

Revising my previous comment in light of further info.
He’s not interested in nurturing a healthy adult relationship if he makes a habit of ditching you for his kids, so he really shouldn’t be keeping up the pretence and wasting your time.
Ditch him and he can spend all the time he likes with his child and it won’t be any skin off your nose whatsoever.

I think it's great his DC wants to spend extra time with his dad and that both parents are flexible enough to facilitate this. I don't understand why your lives are so separate after 4 years though. Your bf (clearly not a partner) knows you are alone on Boxing Day and you had plans. I would expect him to have said DC wants to stay another night so can we change our plans and you come to me. Or ask if he could bring DC to you.

After 4 years I would wonder if this relationship has legs.