Cancelled plans for today

[kitttykattt]

Merry Christmas! I'm just posting on here to get some perspective really. I stayed at DP's house Xmas Eve and left early Xmas morning. His DC went to his not long after I'd gone, plan was for them to go home around midday today. DP was then coming to mine this afternoon, having dinner and staying the night. DP has just text to say that his DC wants to stay another night tonight and he's agreed, which has obviously cancelled our plans. How would you feel about this? His DC asks to stay extra quite a lot and DP always agrees (I have no problem with this at all as it's great he sees his child lots), I just feel a bit put out. Just wanted to have a quick vent on here as we very rarely get child free time (mine are at their Dad's today and overnight).

Yeah, I don’t get the either or. There’s surely no reason he couldn’t have had OP round too! I get why he wouldn’t want to say no but there is a balance here where he doesn’t have to drop everything.

He sounds like a crap person to be in a relationship with OP. It's disrespectful to habitually cancel plans with you, especially if that was your time to see each other over Christmas. And if he (and the other posters on this thread) don't think a 10 year old should be able to respect those plans without assuming their dad doesn't love them then it isn't likely to get better. It would be a somewhat different story if he had just amended the plan so his child would also be there with you both, but to just cancel on you is flat out rude.

I would ditch him.

Essentially you think he should have said no to his child because you wanted to be with him? Thank god he’s got his head on straight and realises his child will always be more important than you. I’ve seen the effects of a child being told no they can’t stay with their dad longer because their dad would rather see his girlfriend, it’s not pretty. It ends in a lot of hurt and rejection for the child.

Thank god he's got his head on straight and realises his child will always be more important than you.

What a wonderful, healthy mindset it is to view some people as "more important" than others and how thankful we should all be that such kind, altruistic teachings are being passed on to a child. Merry Christmas everybody!

@funinthesun19

Bollocks to that. It doesn't need to be kids first and fuck everyone else. Doesn't work.

It’s cringeworthy. Lucky to have found a man with morals? 🤢 Pass me the sick bucket.
It seems like the expectation that “children come first always” is only placed on NRPs (mainly men). I bet any money that an RP is allowed to have other important people in their lives and have balance.

Exactly! Utter bollocks and total cringe fest.

OP - I'd be very pissed off if my DP of 5 years did this last minute! No, everything does not have to revolve around his kids and screw your feelings every time. This is bollocks. You and your needs are also important and there should be balance and compromise on your DP's part. This is something I insist on in my relationship with DP - luckily he gets it and sees the value in balance in his life, and so far it's served us well.
If he dropped me over Christmas last minute? Let me tell you that wouldn't go down well in the slightest. He needs to start respecting you more than that IMO. Good luck with addressing it.

@PerhapsOverlyWorried

Essentially you think he should have said no to his child because you wanted to be with him? Thank god he’s got his head on straight and realises his child will always be more important than you. I’ve seen the effects of a child being told no they can’t stay with their dad longer because their dad would rather see his girlfriend, it’s not pretty. It ends in a lot of hurt and rejection for the child.

Except he doesn't need to say it like that, does he? No decent parent would present it in such a cold way. He just needs to point out that he has plans and he will see them again on x, y or whatever day. Kids in "together" families will have to deal with this too, won't they? When mum and dad are off on a child free date night or weekend for example - would either of them go "oh go on then, we'll cancel the babysitter / granny coming over so we can stay here at your side, always". No, it doesn't happen. So why isn't dad allowed to have a life and other plans too? Because he "dared" to leave the family home? 🙄

@PerhapsOverlyWorried I think you're misunderstanding my post. DP has his child for most of the Christmas week. Boxing Day was the one night we were spending together, it has been planned for months. I don't think telling his child that he had plans for that one night (he was seeing them the next day again) would have caused his child to think that they were no longer loved, or they were less important than me. As I stated earlier, he speaks to him by phone every day, and sees him roughly every three days. I don't think dropping everything sends out the correct message. I wouldn't, and I don't think that makes me a bad parent.

What a wonderful, healthy mindset it is to view some people as "more important" than others and how thankful we should all be that such kind, altruistic teachings are being passed on to a child.

Precisely!

"Now my darlings, as you are well aware, you are FAR more important than my relationship or anything else in my life at ALL times. Just tell me what you want, when you want it, however you want - and ALL shall be granted on your own precise timescales, with no question or compromise!!"

What healthy, balanced, non self-centred children this man is helping to raise.

[quote kitttykattt]@PerhapsOverlyWorried I think you're misunderstanding my post. DP has his child for most of the Christmas week. Boxing Day was the one night we were spending together, it has been planned for months. I don't think telling his child that he had plans for that one night (he was seeing them the next day again) would have caused his child to think that they were no longer loved, or they were less important than me. As I stated earlier, he speaks to him by phone every day, and sees him roughly every three days. I don't think dropping everything sends out the correct message. I wouldn't, and I don't think that makes me a bad parent. [/quote]

OP, of course it wouldn't have sent this message. For goodness sake, pay no attention to the guilt ridden ethos of making children from separated families the centre of the universe forevermore. It's utter nonsense and not only unnecessary- it's actually psychologically unhealthy to create children with beliefs of superiority and self-importance. This won't serve them well as adults. Trust me!!

I have raised it with him previously but it continues to happen as he does not ever say no to his child.

This is a problem. What parent never says no to their child? I can't imagine a world where this is healthy and even possible?! I mean, if I'd never said "no" to my now teenage daughter in her entire life, I can only imagine the sort of entitled brat I would have on my hands now! Dear god...

They should come first and be priority over his dating life.

So this applies to separated mothers who are primary carers too, then, I assume? So if she and her new partner were to make plans, and her kids decided they didn't fancy a babysitter / granny coming over whilst she had her date night... your logic would dictate that she must drop her partner. Every time the kids say "mum I want you to stay home with us". Ok. I'll remember that next time a single mum is in need of a break / some life balance / adult company .....

Oh except single mums are allowed a normal life with healthy balanced relationships with other people away from their children like partners, friends, family members. Dads are expected to revolve their whole lives around their children and everyone else can get fucked. If his children and ex say jump he has to say how high every single time.

And the cherry on top is that if the mum wants some child free time the attitude is that people owe it to her including the stepmum.

@funinthesun19

Oh except single mums are allowed a normal life with healthy balanced relationships with other people away from their children like partners, friends, family members. Dads are expected to revolve their whole lives around their children and everyone else can get fucked. If his children and ex say jump he has to say how high every single time.

And the cherry on top is that if the mum wants some child free time the attitude is that people owe it to her including the stepmum.

I suspected as much!
Just wanted to check .....

@aSofaNearYou @ 11:15 - well said!
Honestly I just cannot understand some people's attitudes to children.
It sounds like this child holds waaaay too much power in this dynamic & his dad is more than happy to pander to it. He's in danger creating a monster who will just keep demanding as time goes on as no one seems to be saying 'no' to him.

And to those who are saying this is good parenting - it's not - it's actually woeful parenting, & kids who are treated like this end up completely ill equipped for dealing with adult life where people say 'no' to you all the time!

I think the issue is that your DP had to choose between you and his kids as your lives don’t seem well blended. I would have been upset in your situation totally, but I also wouldn’t be happy with your living arrangements. Dating someone with kids already massively reduces your alone time, add into that living apart and DP living with his brother. It sounds stressful. My DSS regularly stay longer then planned but DH are married and live together so it’s rarely an issue. That being said if we had formal plans and DSS asked to stay an extra night then DH would probably tell them no.

That being said if we had formal plans and DSS asked to stay an extra night then DH would probably tell them no.

Same. My DP would (and does) respect the plans he had made with me as his partner. He would just gently explain to the kids that they will see him again on x day / weekend etc. It's called having life balance. It's important - shock horror, even for a separated father!

I may be totally wrong, but I do not think that this issue is about the kids. I think it quite likely that the OP's partner had other plans for Boxing Day and may have used the kid as an excuse. If he were simply going to be at home with his kid, he could easily have invited he over for a bit.

The fact that she says that it is happening with some frequency suggests that the OP's partner wants more time on his own.

After 4 years , OP's partner may be finding this relationship as standing still, not because of kids or the fact that they do not live together, but maybe neither is putting in the effort to keep it vibrant or interesting.

In any case, the problem may not his child or his parenting, but rather it could be the personal dynamics of the relationship. Time can take a toll on relationships of any status. If the OP and her partner have gotten into a rut, it would not be uncommon for 1 or both of them to be seeking new or different experiences. The partner may have wanted alone time or maybe he wanted to hang out with his brother and his buddies.

There are so many reasons that may have little to do with kids or parenting. In any case, if the OP is not happy with the direction that the relationship is taking, she should have a discussion about the
direction that the relationship is taking. That is a totally different discussion than complaining about time spent with his kid. He is not necessarily choosing the kid over the relationship. He may just be choosing other activities over the relationship.

@12frogsincoats

His kids come first. So they should. You're lucky to have found a man with morals.

His kids are lucky. Being the second (or last) priority is not a reason for feeling happy.

@Tiredoftattler but he's specifically said he's spending it with his kid, not alone. It's possible he's lying, but there's no need to assume that. There isn't always something else going on about adults wanting to be alone.

Now that I read the whole thread....It's absolutely normal to feel upset that he ditched you when you had plans, especially when it's not the first time. And at the minimum, it should have been discussed with you instead of saying: oh just keep the food for another time. I think it's very inconsiderate.
I also think that you should think about your relationship with him and see if you get anything out of it. Like others said, there should be a healthy balance between time with a child and time with a parner. And if he doesn't understand it and/or doesn't feel the need to spend some alone time with you when you do want this time, maybe it's time to move on. Try to concentrate on yourself right now so you can think clearly. You deserve better!

He'a definitely not lying about having his child when he says he does - I quite often get a phone call or they'll play online with my DC.

Four years and you couldn't respond with - 'okay, if DC is staying another night I'll join you both there then instead?'

That's a shame... his child is not to blame, and if he feels he can't say no well that's another issue anyway, but why does having his child mean not seeing you?

@ProfessorInkling I'm not sure. He talks about us moving in on a regular basis but then he disappears and I don't see him when he has his DC (apart from on the odd occasion when we all do things together).

Give yourself the best gift of 2020 and end the year single. Best thing I ever did in a similar situation.you are worth more than this.

What do you mean he disappears? How often and how long does he have his DC?

When you are all together how does it feel, what do you do together? He has one 9 year old, what about you?

I feel for you and would have been hurt at being ditched..but not because of the DC, it's on him. My DP can sometimes need me to point out that I want to hang out with him and his DC, I think he thinks I relish time alone when mine are with their dad. I do, but not always, sometimes being alone is shit, and sometimes it's bliss.