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Original poster

Unrealistic expectations of his daughter’s behaviour?

77 replies

Colouritin · 23/12/2020 10:27

Hi all,

I’ve been with my partner for about a year and first met his 8 year old daughter about 3 months ago.

My post is about her general behaviour and attitude.

  • She doesn’t say please or thank you and needs to be prompted
  • She doesn’t flush the toilet
  • She eats like a toddler with food all over her face and her clothes
  • She regularly tells white lies
  • Every bed time is the same argument
  • She ignores people and can be generally quite rude

Don’t get me wrong, she is his daughter, every child is different, he can parent how he likes etc however I’m wondering if this is typical behaviour at this age?

I don’t have children myself but I do have nieces and they were never like this. I find it quite bothersome and wonder if myself and her father just have different expectations.

Any thoughts and experiences would be welcome.

OP posts:
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Notcrackersyet · 24/12/2020 10:17

[quote LouJ85]@Notcrackersyet

I'm not just basing my opinion on my "circle". I conducted research into child and adolescent behaviour on quite a large scale across the U.K. as part of my PhD. So I'm also basing my understanding of norms and typical behaviour on that. [/quote]
Now you sound much more qualified than me! I should say I live outside the U.K. and all the children are local not expats. I sometimes wonder if I look at them through wicked, childless stepmother eyes or whether that’s just how kids are here. In terms of my comment about rudeness, by example, I honestly thought it was normal to have to drag a child eyes up from their favourite show sometimes to say hello to an arriving adult. Or for a child to pull a bit on daddy’s coat to say let’s go when he spends too long chatting to someone we met in the street. I’d love to know what’s normal !

Iyiyi · 26/12/2020 15:42

It sounds like you are hyper aware of her behaviour. Some of the things you describe can be typical for some children but are not necessarily a reflection of poor parenting. My two have always had excellent manners when it comes to saying please and thank you etc but DS2 is a very messy eater - he is dyspraxia and struggles with cutlery. DS1 now flushes reliably but this is quite recent! White lies can be a little bit of anxiety or shyness. None of these things sound major - I would just wonder why you are asking? Are you concerned about your DP as a parent?

Namechange2020lalala · 27/12/2020 09:44

Does she have any good points...?

malificent7 · 27/12/2020 20:07

Oh come on...some silly responses on here. You have different expectations...either cut him slack or don't. Iwouldn't dump a man an i loved for this bit i would talk to him. He probably feels guilty so is slack.

malificent7 · 27/12/2020 20:07

Kids often forget to flush etc despite being nagged.

malificent7 · 27/12/2020 20:08

The child sounds normal sadly!

MzHz · 28/12/2020 12:21

You’ve known this guy a short time, you’ve only just met his dd

He doesn’t think her behaviour is out of order

I’d disagree, I’d not put up with any of this crap when my ds was 8.

Call it a day. I can’t bear shit parenting, you’ll end up dreading time with them.

LowestEbb · 28/12/2020 12:53

I'm 6 years on from this and it only gets worse
SD is now 14 and vile, she started off like this
If I had my time again I'm not sure I'd have got involved tbh
Run

Namechange2020lalala · 28/12/2020 12:55

The child obviously gets on your tits and there's almost no chance of it getting better, sadly.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 13:01

@malificent7

The child sounds normal sadly!

Really? Eating like a toddler at the age of 8 sounds "normal"? Confused

NorthernSpirit · 28/12/2020 13:07

I’m the same as @Colouritin

Step daughter is 15. Doesn’t look at me, or speak to me and the teenage moods have set it. She’s vile. But because her parents have split she’s allowed to get away with it and as a step mum you are expected to put up and shut up.

I’m ready to throw in the towl and let some other mug put up with it.

NorthernSpirit · 28/12/2020 13:08

Sorry, meant the same as @LowestEbb

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 13:16

The child obviously gets on your tits

Ignorance, rudeness, and persistently not flushing the toilet would "get on my tits" in my own home, too. Whether this behaviour came from my own child or someone else's. OP is only human!

LowestEbb · 28/12/2020 13:21

@NorthernSpirit
My dad killed himself, my brother found him. Still wasnt used as an excuse for us to be a pair of rude arseholes though. Yet because our SD's have experienced something literally 1 in 3 families do we are meant to excuse their rudeness in perpetuity forever.

ShinyGreenElephant · 28/12/2020 13:26

Its not how my kids behave but don't think its particularly abnormal either, could be a LOT worse. But imo if you're already not impressed with his parenting then get out now because it WILL get worse. I thought I knew enough about my dsd and about my dh as a parent to know we would parent well together, then by the time she started acting out and he started handling it terribly (imo) by pandering to her, I was already married, pregnant and sharing a house. Step parenting is HARD and usually the first few years are a honeymoon period which will not stay so easy. If you're already struggling 3 months in then honestly just run and you will save yourself years of stress

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 13:29

My dad killed himself, my brother found him. Still wasnt used as an excuse for us to be a pair of rude arseholes though. Yet because our SD's have experienced something literally 1 in 3 families do we are meant to excuse their rudeness in perpetuity forever.

This is very sad. And also you make a really good point. My mum died when I was 7 years old. It was tragic and changed my life forever. But I still wasn't compensated for forevermore by my Dad who raised me. If I behaved inappropriately, I was reprimanded for it, and rightly so. My childhood had boundaries as well as love. But if you're a separated child..... different story apparently 🤷‍♀️

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 28/12/2020 13:30

Run! Run and never look back! Being a step mother is hard enough let alone to a child like that.

BiggerTallerFaster · 28/12/2020 13:30

I think lots of children have lovely manners outside but not so much at home. She shouldn't have to feel on her best behaviour with her dad, but it's up to him what he is prepared to accept.

LouJ85 · 28/12/2020 13:35

She shouldn't have to feel on her best behaviour with her d*ad
*
Why not?

Original poster
Colouritin · 29/12/2020 00:18

Thanks everyone, your comments have confirmed my fears - that maybe it is best to cut and run.

In so many ways we’re great together, plus I’m mid 30s and looking for a man to settle down with and I could see us doing that. But his child, her behaviour, and their relationship causes me to question that.

When it’s just us it’s amazing. We get on well, have the same values, incredible sex life, share the same vision for the future but I just don’t agree with plonking a child in front of a tv for hours on end. For allowing poor behaviour to go unchallenged and for not supporting a child in their educational development.

He says it’s too hard as a single parent and I understand it is hard and it is challenging but it’s not impossible.

I feel so conflicted... We’ve had a chat and I think I’m going to pull back a little, see how things play out then go from there.

I wish we had a crystal ball for these things...

OP posts:
ShinyGreenElephant · 29/12/2020 08:57

I think you're doing the right thing, crap as it must feel. Having kids with someone who parents differently is a HUGE challenge, yet if you had different rules for your own child it would be seen as unfair, or if you tried to change things now for the 8yo (even with the best and most loving intentions) then you will be the evil stepmother. Its not worth it.

MzHz · 29/12/2020 09:36

If you had kids with this bloke he’d be as fucking useless with your dc as he is with this dd, you know this?

You’d be doing the job all by yourself and you’d resent him

He’s only a decent guy when he’s not being a parent. That’s not good enough.

My ds dad is a waste of space. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Stop going round so much, be unavailable and phase him out, then cut it off completely

I know. It’s crap. Utterly utterly crap.

Beamur · 29/12/2020 09:48

I think sadly, the key thing to take from this is how much effort he puts into parenting. Which sounds like not very much. Lots of effort for his girlfriend, not so much for his DD.
If you're looking for someone to have kids with, I'm not sure you have found the right person. He won't be any better than he is now.

Namechange2020lalala · 30/12/2020 08:57

Personally I could overlook these things, as long as the child wasn't aggressive or hostile.

SandyY2K · 30/12/2020 09:55

Yet because our SD's have experienced something literally 1 in 3 families do we are meant to excuse their rudeness in perpetuity forever.

The thing is that some children have challenging behaviour or are unpleasant regardless of whether their parents have split up.

Its not like all couples who stay together have kids who never give them problems, get in trouble or are just pains in the neck.

So it's not necessary anything to do with their situation...however it may be the actual parenting that is the problem. I find it worrying that a teenager is described as vile...yet nothing seems to be getting done about it by their parents.

Having said that...I've seem the word vile used really losely across MN...so it may not be as extreme as it sounds.