Unrealistic expectations of his daughter’s behaviour?

[Colouritin]

Hi all,

I’ve been with my partner for about a year and first met his 8 year old daughter about 3 months ago.

My post is about her general behaviour and attitude.

• She doesn’t say please or thank you and needs to be prompted
• She doesn’t flush the toilet
• She eats like a toddler with food all over her face and her clothes
• She regularly tells white lies
• Every bed time is the same argument
• She ignores people and can be generally quite rude

Don’t get me wrong, she is his daughter, every child is different, he can parent how he likes etc however I’m wondering if this is typical behaviour at this age?

I don’t have children myself but I do have nieces and they were never like this. I find it quite bothersome and wonder if myself and her father just have different expectations.

Any thoughts and experiences would be welcome.

OP, I disagree with posters saying being involved in your partner's child's life after ONE YEAR together is "too soon". Goodness me my partner's kids stayed with us after a few months of us knowing each other and guess what - 5 years later it's all still fine!

Of course you will pass judgment on poor behaviour- that's what humans do (and particularly those in a parental role). And from what you've described, this child's behaviour isn't typical at all of her age, as per your original query. It needs addressing but that's her mum and dad's place to do so. If there's ever any need for discipline of my DP's kids when they're here - he does that and not me. And vice versa for my own daughter. We just don't get involved with disciplining each other's kids. Luckily though, each of us steps up and takes responsibility for shaping our own children's behaviour when it's needed. If your DP isn't prepared to address behaviour as needed, you could be in for a very stressful road ahead....

@YouBoughtMeAWall

I was just pre-empting your next post which would have been “when? 6 months? A year?”

Erm, no. It wouldn't.
Assumption... it's never helpful IMO.

@Beamur

You don't think it unusual that a typically developing 8 year old would "eat like a toddler with food all over her face and clothes?"

My now dh met my adult dc within a few weeks. They actually suggested he met the younger ones soon after . If I had waited a year and they didn't get on what a waste of everyone's time and effort that would have been!!. Still together 8 years later. Married over 5...

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

My now dh met my adult dc within a few weeks. They actually suggested he met the younger ones soon after . If I had waited a year and they didn't get on what a waste of everyone's time and effort that would have been!!. Still together 8 years later. Married over 5...

Thank goodness for sense! I thought I was losing the plot ....

My now dh met my adult dc within a few weeks. They actually suggested he met the younger ones soon after

Met? Or moved in and was present for every bedtime and meal?

Lou
Hard to judge really. One person's perception of mess could be very different to another. If she really is covered in food, that throws up some questions in my mind. Has she been shown how to use cutlery or are the meals at Mums more finger food orientated? She maybe needs some (gentle and appropriate) support to learn these skills. I'd also be curious as to what her motor skills are like generally.
I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but some 'bad' behaviour might have other reasons.

I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but some 'bad' behaviour might have other reasons.

Oh absolutely - poor behaviour always has a reason. But OP's question was whether it was "typical" of children if her age. Which in my view it isn't. So if she hasn't been shown to use cutlery etc then that clearly needs addressing by her parents and at the age of 8, probably constitutes neglect!

@Beamur

Also, it may be possible to explain messy eating with poor motor skills ... in some cases... but not saying please or thank you and being rude? That's poor manners and poor behaviour however you dress that up. It's fair enough that it's been flagged by the OP as worrisome.

Yep. But I think it's really hard to call and the perceptions of someone not used to being around kids makes it harder.
Personally I didn't have much of a clue either when I met my DP and his children and was quite shocked and horrified at times. But with hindsight and having a kid of my own, I was right about certain things but deeply unrealistic about others! They were 7&9, never had any issues with flushing, but DD often forgot when younger. Table manners were excellent for DSS but the girls much less so, DSC often came off as rude, but were very shy with strangers. DSS was tidy, DSD was just horrifically untidy and slovenly until she moved out! DD somewhere in between.

Met in the November.. Met dc in December. They wanted to invite him for Xmas so we did. He never slept over (that they knew about!). Engaged after 14 months..

You mean you didn't wait out the mandatory 3 months plus timescale before he met the kids?! 🤭🤭😂

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Below was meant to quote your post!

Nope.. The poor bloke needed to know what he was in for!!

@LouJ85

You mean you didn't wait out the mandatory 3 months plus timescale before he met the kids?! 🤭🤭😂

Silly!! Try reading again.

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Nope.. The poor bloke needed to know what he was in for!!

😂😂

Thank you so much to those who have gave constructive feedback. It’s really useful to know and has given me some perspective and lots to think about.

To @YouBoughtMeAWall and others who have presumed I have moved in or make myself a constant presence. I mean every meal time that I am there and every bed time. My partner has confirmed that it is like this even when I am not there - yes they do get quality time together without me but I am speaking from personal experience of seeing the child and their interactions.

I didn’t think I’d need to make that clarification but I hope that clears it up!

Thank you @LouJ85 @Santaisironingwrappingpaper and others who can understand where I’m coming from.

I’ve just read the thread again and your comments and kind words not only made me laugh but have given me more to think about too.

She doesn’t have issues with motor skills, she’s just not bothered about being messy whereas family and friends who have children of a similar age don’t eat like this. As for the rudeness and lack of manners, I’m glad you agree.

The toilet flushing is an eye opener though - who knew it could be such an issue!

*yes they do get quality time together without me but I am speaking from personal experience of seeing the child and their interactions.

I didn’t think I’d need to make that clarification but I hope that clears it up!*

No, OP, it didn't really need clarification. Most of us got it.

The toilet flushing is an eye opener though - who knew it could be such an issue!

I've never had this issue myself, with either my own daughter or my partner's kids when they come to stay. But it would massively grate on me and I'd be addressing it immediately. So you're not alone in thinking it's unacceptable.

My experience of from my 7 year old DSD who I consider pretty lovely ...

• She doesn’t say please or thank you and needs to be prompted

Endless uphill battle

• She doesn’t flush the toilet

She doesn’t always bother for pee.

• She eats like a toddler with food all over her face and her clothes

She’s a very tidy eater (I’m so grateful for that!) but has friends who are like you describe

• She regularly tells white lies

She tries but she’s super crap at it. She thinks I’m a mind reader as I catch her out so much. Mostly it’s trivial and I just laugh it off making a gesture to show her nose growing like Pinocchios.

• Every bed time is the same argument

We installed a very specific bedtime routine at the age of around three which has always worked well. Routine is your friend. Of course there’s some stalling tactics but bedtime is very calm with us. It’s quality time for dad and daughter.

• She ignores people and can be generally quite rude

Children at this age seem still very selfish which can translate to rude behaviour. Im trying to help my partner’s child understand the concept of being polite but I think I’m a little ahead of my time in terms of expecting her to do the polite thing over her priority without being promoted.

Children at this age seem still very selfish which can translate to rude behaviour

Some children can. It's not necessarily the norm or typical, though.

She doesn’t say please or thank you and needs to be prompted

Kid that she can require prompting.

- She doesn’t flush the toilet

Not unusual...but you need to remind them.

- She eats like a toddler with food all over her face and her clothes

I didn't experience this work my DC
- She regularly tells white lies

Depends what you mean...but white lies indicate they're harmless. Adults lie too.

- Every bed time is the same argument

As in she doesn't want to go to bed? Not unusual for kids her age.

- She ignores people and can be generally quite rude

Some kids can do this, but the parents would normally pull them up on it.

I have a niece that age and she can sometimes ignore people...other times she's all over you, but her DM deals with it.

The thing is that people have different standards with their kids, probably because of their own upbringing.

There was a thread recently where a mother says she was irritated by her DH getting the kids to say thank you for gifts received in the post....or posters that didn't think a child should say thank you for a meal prepared for them as it was a parental obligation.

So the child's behaviour is often as a result of the effectiveness of the parenting.

@LouJ85

Children at this age seem still very selfish which can translate to rude behaviour

Some children can. It's not necessarily the norm or typical, though.

It’s just a generalisation from the kids I interact with. It might not be your norm or typical in your circle but it’s what I experience.

@Notcrackersyet

I'm not just basing my opinion on my "circle". I conducted research into child and adolescent behaviour on quite a large scale across the U.K. as part of my PhD. So I'm also basing my understanding of norms and typical behaviour on that.