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Original poster

Unrealistic expectations of his daughter’s behaviour?

77 replies

Colouritin · 23/12/2020 10:27

Hi all,

I’ve been with my partner for about a year and first met his 8 year old daughter about 3 months ago.

My post is about her general behaviour and attitude.

  • She doesn’t say please or thank you and needs to be prompted
  • She doesn’t flush the toilet
  • She eats like a toddler with food all over her face and her clothes
  • She regularly tells white lies
  • Every bed time is the same argument
  • She ignores people and can be generally quite rude

Don’t get me wrong, she is his daughter, every child is different, he can parent how he likes etc however I’m wondering if this is typical behaviour at this age?

I don’t have children myself but I do have nieces and they were never like this. I find it quite bothersome and wonder if myself and her father just have different expectations.

Any thoughts and experiences would be welcome.

OP posts:
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Namechange2020lalala · 23/12/2020 10:40

Not sure there is much you can do about it though is there? She's either acting out or has not being taught manners or courtesy. It could get worse in teenage years. I wouldn't recommend moving in with your DP until the child has left home as I can see there would probably be conflict. Also have your nieces had to experience their parents splitting up? All kids can be messy and thoughtless but it's easier to tolerate if they are your own rather than a stranger's, which your potential stepdaughter currently is.

CottonSock · 23/12/2020 10:42

My daughter the same age is lovely and polite, but eats like a piglet and never flushes the toilet. Her younger sister is more tidy at the table.

NorthernSpirit · 23/12/2020 16:29

I’m a step mum and my advice would be bite your tongue and let him parent as he sees fit.

However..... there are some basic rules I insist in.

Manners. I can’t abide bad manners. So I will prompt a please & thank you. I met the kids 6 years ago when they were 10 & 6 and this was fine. When they get to the teenage years they will need reminding.

Flushing the toilet. My SK’s don’t flush and I find it disgusting. When they don’t flush I send my OH to do it. He can look at there shit in the loo.

Eating with hands has been a massive problem for me. Let dad deal with it.

Parents view their kids through rose tinted spectacles, we see their flaws so be prepared!!!!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2020 16:34

That’s how he parents. If he makes no effort to improve her behaviour then he’s either happy with it he tried but has now given up. How much does he have her?

Can I ask if having a child with him is on the cards? Again, this is how he parents so expect him to be same if you had one together which doesn’t sound like it would work for you.

RedMarauder · 23/12/2020 16:43

If you don't like how he parents her then move on for your own sanity.

I have friends and acquaintances of both sexes who have moved on due to not liking how their ex parented. They didn't want to risk having a child with someone whose parenting methods they detested.

MeridianB · 23/12/2020 17:26

Run away!

If he thinks this is ok for an 8 yo then this will only get worse. And his lack of parenting of a teenaged girl will create huge problems for him, her and you.

Have you raised any of this with him at all? I’m not suggesting you do but I wondered if you had a sense of his awareness of it?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2020 17:29

End this relationship, because these issues with his daughter are only going to get worse and cause huge problems between you and your boyfriend. If you want children, you would be mad to have any with him.

YouBoughtMeAWall · 23/12/2020 17:31

Why are you there for her bedtimes, mealtimes, etc ? You in only met her 3 months ago

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2020 17:34

Have you thought of ASD? Girls show ASD differently from boys. I’d suggest getting her assessed.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 23/12/2020 17:42

I wouldn’t say it’s ‘normal’, no. The rudeness is a bit different as some people are just rude (not that it’s acceptable, but it’s not an age related thing) but she should be saying please and thank you, going to bed and flushing the loo by the age of 8!

There isn’t too much you can do about it though, so if you think you can’t put up with it (which I wouldn’t be able to!) then I’d think seriously about what to do next and whether you want to stay in the relationship. Does your partner address any of this with her?

HalfTermHalfTerm · 23/12/2020 17:44

@YouBoughtMeAWall

Why are you there for her bedtimes, mealtimes, etc ? You in only met her 3 months ago
Unless you’re thinking about this from a COVID point of view, what on earth is wrong with being there for mealtimes? Confused
AnxiousSM · 23/12/2020 17:49

I could have written your post six years ago. Believe me it only gets worse. The bad mannered 10 year old is now a much worse, undisciplined, ill mannered 16 year old who still doesn’t flush!! It’s horrendous.

Azerothi · 23/12/2020 17:51

Do you live with your boyfriend already? Is she there all the time?

HollowTalk · 23/12/2020 17:54

I couldn't be bothered with this, tbh. I wouldn't want that struggle in my life. It's a shame you were with him so long before you met her; has it altered your perception of him?

YouBoughtMeAWall · 23/12/2020 18:09

Unless you’re thinking about this from a COVID point of view, what on earth is wrong with being there for mealtimes?

Well as you can see in my post, it isn’t just mealtimes that I am questioning. OP appears to be there for a lot of this child’s time with her father.

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 19:01

*I’m wondering if this is typical behaviour at this age?
*
No, it's not typical at all.

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 19:02

@YouBoughtMeAWall

Unless you’re thinking about this from a COVID point of view, what on earth is wrong with being there for mealtimes?

Well as you can see in my post, it isn’t just mealtimes that I am questioning. OP appears to be there for a lot of this child’s time with her father.

They've been together for a year. Are you suggesting that's too soon to be introduced to and spend time together with a partner's child? Seriously?!

YouBoughtMeAWall · 23/12/2020 19:07

I’m suggesting that knowing someone (the child is someone) just 3 months is too soon to be present for lots of meal times, bed times (OP says every bedtime!) etc when they are there to see their parent. The child hasn’t know OP a year. Yet she is having to spend all this time with her and have OP, who has known her 3 months, pass judgement on her behaviour when she is there to see her father.

I think that sucks for the child.

Branleuse · 23/12/2020 19:10

Id leave. Youre already judging the kid. Do everyone a favour and split before this turns into a shitshow

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 19:10

@YouBoughtMeAWall

I’m suggesting that knowing someone (the child is someone) just 3 months is too soon to be present for lots of meal times, bed times (OP says every bedtime!) etc when they are there to see their parent. The child hasn’t know OP a year. Yet she is having to spend all this time with her and have OP, who has known her 3 months, pass judgement on her behaviour when she is there to see her father.

I think that sucks for the child.

So what arbitrary timescale would you place on a relationship before a person is allowed to be present for a child's bedtime?? Genuinely interested as this seems bizarre to me...

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 19:11

Parents view their kids through rose tinted spectacles, we see their flaws so be prepared!!!!!

Yup!

YouBoughtMeAWall · 23/12/2020 19:12

More than 3 months. I don’t think people should essentially have to live with/share their home people they’ve only known 3 months. That’s too soon. You can keep pestering for a specific time but that’s what you’re getting. 3 months is too soon.

LouJ85 · 23/12/2020 19:13

You can keep pestering for a specific time

Sorry, what? Pestering? I asked once out of genuine interest. Projection, much? 🙄

Beamur · 23/12/2020 19:17

I don't think that the messy eating, the forgetting to flush or the white lies are that unusual actually. Is she rude or shy? It can look quite similar.
If you're not used to being around kids, all this might seem a bit unacceptable. It's not ideal, but it's not that unusual either.
How does your DP react to what you see as poor behaviour?

YouBoughtMeAWall · 23/12/2020 19:18

I was just pre-empting your next post which would have been “when? 6 months? A year?”