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Original poster

I'm fucking sick to death of the Christmas fight every year

63 replies

GoldiePaws · 18/12/2020 18:10

I cannot be arsed with it anymore. I'm done speaking about it with DH. I honestly don't even care now.

I'm sick to death of him and his ex scrapping over Christmas day and who gets to do what and at what time and so on...

I'm sick of DH talking about how it'll ruin his Christmas, he probably won't even get out of bed and so on...

I fucking hate that the run up to Christmas every year is spent in bickering and 'im not even looking forward to it' and so on.

It makes me angry for our child, that their Christmas day is dictated by two people who can't just fucking agree.

It's never about the kids either. It's about them. I want to spend X time with them, I want to do dinner, I want the morning and back and forth.

Just fucking grow up!!

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nancy75 · 18/12/2020 18:13

Why can’t they just do every other? Isn’t that what most people do?
One gets Xmas eve & Xmas morning, the other gets lunch onwards - then swap next year?
It’s would drive me mental having to listen to the same moaning every year so yanbu at all.

ancientgran · 18/12/2020 18:13

So unfair on you, your child and your step children. When my kids were young my ex and I did the same thing every year, I had them Christmas Eve (he was working in the day and usually had a drink with colleagues after work so that suited him.) They had Christmas morning with me until about 2 and then went to their dad for the rest of Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

We both saw them, the kids were relaxed about it and no arguing.

I hope you can get him to see sense.

Mammyloveswine · 18/12/2020 18:14

Could they not have a court order so one gets the children Xmas Eve then Xmas day morning and the other Xmas afternoon (for dinner) then Xmas day night? Swapped each year? Assuming you live quite close?

AIMD · 18/12/2020 18:15

Man that sounds frustrating!
Have you told your DH you feel that way.
I think in a lot of these situations parents loose sight of their children’s needs. It can’t be much fun for their children for it to be argued about each year either.

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 18/12/2020 18:15

@nancy75

Why can’t they just do every other? Isn’t that what most people do? One gets Xmas eve & Xmas morning, the other gets lunch onwards - then swap next year? It’s would drive me mental having to listen to the same moaning every year so yanbu at all.
This is what we do. Agreed as the norm now.
DrDetriment · 18/12/2020 18:16

Yep. Same here. Though DP hasn't seen his kids at Christmas for several years despite having them once a week every other time and there being a CAO in place. The kids coming for Christmas would be allowed under the order. His ex just comes up with loads of excuses as to why they can't come.

blackcat86 · 18/12/2020 18:17

I would be so sick of this and would be going away for the full 5 days to see a friend or relative where I could actually enjoy Christmas.

Original poster
GoldiePaws · 18/12/2020 18:18

@nancy75

Why can’t they just do every other? Isn’t that what most people do? One gets Xmas eve & Xmas morning, the other gets lunch onwards - then swap next year? It’s would drive me mental having to listen to the same moaning every year so yanbu at all.
That's not fair apparently as you shouldn't have to not see your child for the whole of Christmas day.

So unfair on you, your child and your step children. When my kids were young my ex and I did the same thing every year, I had them Christmas Eve (he was working in the day and usually had a drink with colleagues after work so that suited him.) They had Christmas morning with me until about 2 and then went to their dad for the rest of Christmas Day and Boxing Day

This is what we suggest but every year his ex kicks off about it because she wants to do Christmas dinner and them come to us in the evening instead. He's said that's fine but then I'll have them in the morning then but she won't agree to that either.

So basically DH wants to do the morning get up or if not, then he wants to do their Christmas dinner but his ex wants to do both.

Honestly it's the same thing every fucking year.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldiePaws · 18/12/2020 18:26

My head's been bitten off in the past for suggesting they just alternate every year and then everyone gets to do a full day, morning and dinner and all that jazz.

Nevermind that it's what most people bloody do, I did that as a child! No we have to go round and round this same fucking circle every year.

It always gets left to the last minute as well because they know they'll end up arguing about it. So I feel on pins when I know it's getting closer and DH is going to have the conversation.

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 18/12/2020 18:27

I hear you @GoldiePaws

We’ve been there year after year for the last sodding decade. Whatever plans are agreed in the run up - his ex likes to throw a spanner in the works last minute. It’s pure control on her part.

I can’t stand the moping either. I completely understand him wanting time with his kids on Christmas Day but I fail to grasp why he seems surprised every year when she pulls this stunt. I don’t want to hear about it anymore either. I’m just not interested.

It’s easier now we have our own child as my priority is making Christmas magical for her. I let the rest of them get on with it. CBFA!

Original poster
GoldiePaws · 18/12/2020 18:28

@Mammyloveswine

Could they not have a court order so one gets the children Xmas Eve then Xmas day morning and the other Xmas afternoon (for dinner) then Xmas day night? Swapped each year? Assuming you live quite close?
Tbf DH would happily do this. But his ex will never agree to let him have them in the morning. Not once.

But she also wants the afternoon too.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldiePaws · 18/12/2020 18:32

Sorry I misread some posts in my anger 😂 I thought people were suggesting alternating the whole day so one parent has Christmas day, the next boxing day, which is what I did (because parents didn't live hugely close) and it meant they could each have the full day. That's what I've gotten my head bitten off for suggesting.

Alternating the actual morning/afternoon of each day, DH would do. But his ex won't.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/12/2020 18:35

Does he say he HER his Christmas is ruined and he might not even get up or to you? Cos of o had a child with someone with this attitude, I'd suggest I go spend Christmas day elsewhere theb

VettiyaIruken · 18/12/2020 18:37

Your child is going to grow up HATING Christmas! It won't be a lovely family time with great memories and that's so sad.

Maybe you should opt out of it and take your child each year to your own family and leave them to their shitty Christmas fighting.

RandomMess · 18/12/2020 18:38

How old is the step child?

RandomMess · 18/12/2020 18:39

I would go European and do presents and roast dinner Christmas Eve and drop back to Mum.

Then Santa presents Christmas Day evening.

2gorgeousboys · 18/12/2020 18:47

We've never seen DSS on Christmas Day in 20 years. DH decided it wasn't worth the stress, upset and threats not to see his son so we always had DSS from first thing boxing day until 28th. He's now a proper grown up and this year he's coming to us on 26th and staying until 01 January.

We've made it work for our family and do Christmas Day take 2 on Boxing Day. I really couldn't be doing with the stress, moaning and angst so although it has never felt fair we've accepted it for DSS's sake and DH's mental health.

Milkshake7489 · 18/12/2020 18:48

YANBU- it should be about what's best for the children not the parents (and I'd hate to be in your shoes with all the bickering too!).

When I was little, the 25th was Christmas with mum and the 26th was Christmas with dad. That was decided because I loved seeing my cousins on Christmas day and I genuinely didn't know my dad missed spending 'real' Christmas with us until I was 28... both days were Christmas in my mind and I loved it!

I know my arrangement might not work for you seeing as half siblings are involved, but some tough love on compromising for his children's sake might help your dh rethink his approach.

AIMD · 18/12/2020 18:49

Surely it better for him to accept Xmas eve or Boxing Day and try to make that as enjoyable as possible than having an argument that makes everyone feel shit. I know both parents should compromise but if she won’t him taking the high road for the good of you and the children involved seems like the best option.

DrDetriment · 18/12/2020 19:02

@AIMD it often feels though and of course I can't speak for the OP that mums always get their way about stuff like this and dad is the one expected to always compromise and be grateful for the few scraps he gets with his own kids. Rarely the other way round.

ohwhatamiserableyear · 18/12/2020 19:07

I agree with others; it's not worth the stress to bicker over the 25th. I'd rather have a relaxed, enjoyable 26th, 27th and 28th then a stressful, angst-ridden, rushed chunk of the 25th. The memories you can make would be nicer, too.

I honestly think people get too hung up on 'the date' rather than the time spent together over the holiday period.

KumquatSalad · 18/12/2020 19:21

It's never about the kids either. It's about them. I want to spend X time with them, I want to do dinner, I want the morning and back and forth.

This is so often the case with parents who aren’t together. It’s sad and so frustrating to deal with.

So much of the crap between DH and his ex are driven by their clashing wants. It’s never about the kids. Even when his ex pretends it’s about the kids, it’s actually about proving she’s top parent and trying to dictate what happens everywhere.

It’s absolutely unacceptable that your partner lets this ruin your and your child’s Christmas every year. He needs to get over himself. Even if his ex is a dick about everything, he does need to project this all over your Christmas. She’s his cross to bear (he’s the one that chose to procreate with her).

whatwedontknow · 18/12/2020 19:27

How old are the kids and what do they want?

KylieKoKo · 18/12/2020 19:41

That sounds utterly exhausting op.

PurpleMustang · 18/12/2020 20:14

Sorry I am confused. If ex wants the morning and the afternoon what time does he usually get with them?