Lost my cool

[NewMumSoon1]

I feel like I am slowly unravelling in to an angry angry person.

My 4 yo step daughter comes every week a couple of evenings for her dinner and to play and catch up with us both but obviously more so her daddy as they are like two peas in a pod.

Recently she's been coming and sitting in the living room because I personally think she's getting a little bored of her toys and being in her room on her own. So I asked her tonight if she would like to sort through her toys that she could donate to other kids or things that are just for chucking. Twice I asked and she came traipsing through with 1 random item or another then her dad eventually got off his arse and went through to 'help' her and again the pair of them came through with barely anything worthy of an actual clear out. I then said come on guys there's loads you're not playing with can we get this sorted so we have more room for when you get things at Christmas. She went through and her dad huffed about and then I heard them FaceTiming his dad. I am ashamed of this but I lost my cool when he did this and went through and picked one of the boxes up and asked her to come and look through the things with me like I had asked (by now 4/5 times) all the while his dad could see and I heard my OH sheepishly say 'I'll phone you back'.

My point is, I am 37 weeks pregnant and effing shattered. I went out and did all the Christmas shopping for my step daughter and have wrapped everything up and been super organised because we are gonna be having a baby in the next couple of weeks and I know I will have my hands full. I make all her meals, give her baths, dress her and buy her new clothes and plan and take her on wee trips to keep her occupied whilst my OH watches on happily because he doesn't really know how to 'deal' with little girls. I also have her on my own when he's working the weekends we have her so whilst I appreciate parenting is hard work, I think I go way above and beyond what my role is.

Don't get me wrong I am the strict one and I don't let her off with crocodile tears or acting the goat so she respects me and behaves really well while he gets to come across as the fun one without rules or limits.

He lost his temper with me tonight after the toy saga and he's now away dropping her back home (as is normal for 8pm) whilst I sit here in floods of tears thinking I am coming across like an absolute monster.

I am so bloody fed up of feeling like the bad one but I am so tired of running around like a headless chicken when I should be resting up with preeclampsia and a baby bump that's so heavy I feel like I could collapse.

Not sure why I am posting really but needed to vent

Sorry OP but you sound way to harsh? I get you're pregnant (so am I!) but that's no excuse. She's 4 for gods sake - why on earth is she playing in her room on her own at that age?! And you sound like you are begrudging her coming into the lounge for company? Sorry but you sound awful?! I have a 4 year old and it's difficult to part them from toys at that age - they might not play with it for a week or 2 and then it's the favourite for a couple of weeks. If was your partner I'd be pissed off at you for what is an over reaction? So you've done the Xmas shopping for her? Presumably on line? Not a great trauma?!

You're making yourself sound ridiculous if you think OP is awful for one potentially misguided parenting decision, but her partner isn't awful for shirking all his parenting responsibilities and shifting them onto his heavily pregnant partner, who should just suck it up because it's "only online shopping".

It shows your bias that you are so dismissive of how blatantly inappropriate it is that OP is being left to do as much as she is by the child's father. That is clearly the biggest problem here, not the notion of a four year old giving some toys away.

@ivfbeenbusy

Sorry OP but you sound way to harsh? I get you're pregnant (so am I!) but that's no excuse. She's 4 for gods sake - why on earth is she playing in her room on her own at that age?! And you sound like you are begrudging her coming into the lounge for company? Sorry but you sound awful?!

I have a 4 year old and it's difficult to part them from toys at that age - they might not play with it for a week or 2 and then it's the favourite for a couple of weeks.

If was your partner I'd be pissed off at you for what is an over reaction? So you've done the Xmas shopping for her? Presumably on line? Not a great trauma?!

No lock down here so you've wrongly assumed. I traipsed round shop after shop. You are missing the point completely though, moronic comment.

So often on the SM board - you hear but he is a great Dad, doting, parents well - yet the SM is complaining of the exact opposite - lack of engagement, dumping of responsibilities.

Parenting is the good and the bad, the boundary setting, the mundane and the fun, the hugs and kisses and the tantrums. Far too often in a blended family normal child behaviour is inflated to be bad - if it was managed within the bounds of normal parenting by said parent - it would not become the flash points. However, that does require some SMs to take a step back and allow their DP to parent and accept that their way may not be the "right" way.

DP problem here not a child problem
And an unrealistic expectation from an SM on this task - like we have siad, last time she was good and focussed with help to translate that to her doing it on her own and aswell - expecting too much

'he just doesn't know how to do the bad cop role'

He doesn't need to be bad cop , he could however look after his own child. Why do you do everything?

@LouJ85

I see the usual posters are out to go way over the top and throw out nonsense comments about how you "clearly can't stand her", I can't roll my eyes hard enough at that comment

Me neither. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Exactly. HQ needs to stamp this nonsense out.

Oh op, give yourself a break; you lost your cool and your FIL overheard - so what?! You're pregnant, exhausted and your DP was ignoring you asking for help. Your SD isn't going to be scarred by this one instance.

You do have a problem on your hands though and that is lack of support and parenting from your DP. If he doesn't know how to deal with little girls, he better learn, he has a daughter. My brother was the main carer for his daughter, a bigger neanderthal you could not meet but he did an amazing job.

Don't get distracted by this incident. Sit down tomorrow with your partner and tell him you cannot be the only adult in the room anymore.

As an aside - this was never going to be an achievable task for a 4 year old - she's was always bound to just want to play - when I clear out toys I do it when my child is not around as I know she'll 'fall in love' with something again for 10 mins even though she's long outgrown it. If you wanted this task done then you should have just asked your partner!!

It sounds like you are just exhausted, dealing with late pregnancy and just at the end of your tether. I do agree with other comments, you were too pushy on a 4 year old. I do a clear out of toys before Christmas but do so without my children around. Once it was clear she didn’t want to do it or was getting distracted, you should have left it alone and did it without her. I do think you were unreasonable in your attitude towards the 4 year old who was acting like many other 4 year olds!

However your partner is a separate issue and should be pulling his weight a lot more!

Always feel so bad for the children on these threads.

@Coronawireless

Always feel so bad for the children on these threads.

Why? Because it's a step parent complaining? A friend of mine is pregnant and was telling me this morning how she's been decluttering her kids stuff so there's room for the baby. Is she a baddie too? You feel sorry for a child who is obviously cared for by her step mother but who maybe has been slightly grumpy because she's tired and heavily pregnant. Really..

I had this with my now Exh. My DSD is now 22....guess who she sees the most? That'll be me, the one who did all the parenting and built bridges with her mum....
Your partner is embarrassing. Why on Earth did you decide the have a child with him??!! I did the same and my DS hasn't seen his das since he was 3 because he never stepped up and couldn't be bothered.

OP, you are clearly not a bad SM but in this instance, you didn't deal with the best way.

You don't ask a 4 year old to go through their toys and give some up on a week day evening when they are tired. Especially not when they were not told about it before.

You should have sat her down to discuss it and agree to go through hee toys the next time she was there for the day. The way you went about it was a bit bullyish hence why your oh reacted defensively.

WHY ARE YOU DOING EVERYTHING FOR THIS GUY??????????

@Amanda87

WHY ARE YOU DOING EVERYTHING FOR THIS GUY??????????

There's a real issue with this. Men seem to have children with one woman, who sees they are a lazy, incompetent man and dumps them. Then they recruit another woman to do all their parenting, housework and every other job they believe to be beneath them.

Interestingly the second woman kind of screws the first and the child. Because the first woman gets less child support because the second woman is doing his shit work in 'his' contact. And the child because he doesn't actually do anything and she's not with either of her parents.

Training women to be maids and doormats is the issue. I bet she auditioned as a servant while they were dating.

I think you have great intentions. I think if your intentions are not well received then this is the key to stepping back. If he doesn't know how to deal with a girl he'd better step up, if your child is a boy then how hard would that be to watch. You dealing with his daughter and he sorts his golden son. Or if it's another girl, you get to sort all the children?
I'd say I think I overstepped the mark so I've decided to step back, you're in charge of bath and bed now, and obviously when the baby is here you'll be in charge of everything.

I think that some women assume certain tasks and chores at the beginning of a relationship to impress the new prospective partner with how much better they are than his ex or how much they really care for his kids. The partner quickly buys into the performance and allows the new girl friend to take over those tasks and chores.

When it becomes tedious and tiring, the partner, spouse, girl friend , begins to complain about the lack of proper parenting and involvement on the part of the dad. In reality, he has just allowed the new partner to carry on in the manner that she chose at the beginning of the relationship.

Chances are that the dad was doing all of these things prior to the new girl friend stepping in and wanting to enhance his opinion of her skills and value as a potential step parent. At that point, the dad becomes the target of complaints when in fact all he really did was allow the girl friend to have a go at impressing him, and he never had a reason to bring that pattern to an end. Who turns away free and voluntarily assumed help and assistance?

Chances are that prior to the girl friend assuming the role, the kids were being fed, bathed , cleaned up after to the dad's satisfaction, and living up to what to dad and kids were acceptable standards.

If you place yourself in the position of taking on responsibilities that are not yours to begin with, it becomes hard to extract yourself when you tire of these chores. I would imagine that the tiring part comes when you feel confident that you have the man or you become pregnant with a child of your own.

If you begin by holding yourself out as nanny/cook/ chauffeur and housekeeper, you cannot really blame the man as viewing and accepting you as such.

The best thing to do is just stay in the girlfriend lane and leave all of the parenting and chore management to dad. Those are his responsibilities and he managed prior to your arrival on the scene and he can continue to manage after your arrival.

Nothing good comes from pretending to be Mary Poppins if that is not the role that you intend to play for the long haul.

Excellent post Tiredoftatler.

I don't see the urgency to get rid of her toys...it all sounds a bit forceful to me and rather pushy.

I can see why he got upset. You have very different parenting styles and you come across as too strict ...she's just 4 and your comments about not accepting crocodile tears don't particularly show a caring approachable character.

I make all her meals, give her baths, dress her and buy her new clothes and plan and take her on wee trips to keep her occupied whilst my OH watches on happily because he doesn't really know how to 'deal' with little girls.

Why have you let this happen?

Are you saying without you in his life he's incapable of doing these things? Or where you trying to please him so much in the beginning that you got lumbered with it.

If you ever split up with him...you know he'll be looking for another woman to do exactly what you're doing right now.

He's shown you he's a useless parent by leaving all this to you, yet you've gone ahead to have a child with him. That nonsensical excuse of he doesn't know how to deal with little girls is ridiculous...he'll be no better with a boy.

You had a gift many don't...you saw exactly what his parenting skills are and a glimpse to how he will be with your child.

In 2/3 years time ....when you're run down/exhausted doing everything...and people say you knew what he was like...they'll be absolutely right....

Expecting her to go through her toys and find ones to donate is absurd.

I kind of agree with this.

I learned that after sitting with my kids to get rid of toys, everything was hugged like a family heirloom and they didn't want to let it go.

I was met with "I love this doll... I like little Suzy...we got nowhere"

After this I just observed the toys they hadn't played with for ages, then took them away when they weren't around.

I would keep them elsewhere and if they didn't mention or look for them over the next couple of months, I donated them to charity. Job done.

I appreciate that you may not want to do this with a stepchild though.

You are far too strict, and that’s not relevant because she’s not your child, it’s relevant because you’re going to have your own child soon, and if you have those kinds of expectations of them,you are are setting yourself up for a fall.
@AlternativePerspective - this is a nasty, unsupportive comment! It's OP's prerogative to parent her future child as she sees fit if that means teaching a child to tidy up from a young age so be it! Who are you to tell her what will or will not work for her?
In fact your whole post is unpleasant as are many of the comments on this thread.
Must be the almost full moon bringing on the nasty crazy again!

Ref the crocodile tears - I think I know what you mean. When my DSD spills tears my DP is instantly horrified and often just wants to make it better whereas I can often have a more objective conversation with her. And I mean talking through what’s going on, exploring her feelings and finding a way forwards - that’s not being mean in any way.
I’m with everyone else on the ability of a 4 year old to give away toys - anytime I’ve tried to persuade DSD to participate in a sort out suddenly every toy is absolutely essential to life! Best to deploy the hide, wait two weeks and then get rid of if not missed strategy.
You sound completely normal. A meltdown now and then is life!
Best wishes with the rest of your pregnancy and I hope DSD is a delightful big sister.

At least you know exactly what kind of ‘parent’ your boyfriend will be to the next kid, OP. He’s clearly shown you from day 1, so you know what your life is going to be like in a few weeks. Yikes. Good luck.

It’s amazing how the op is being blamed for the fact that she is doing the bulk of caring and household chores.

You can guarantee that if she didn’t do the caring and household chores then she would be called a cold hearted witch on here and that she should make more effort with her stepchildren. Now she’s being asked why she let it happen. Can’t win really can she?

I think the answer is clear. He’s piled it on to her and the more she did it the more he took advantage. It’s a lot harder to say no the deeper you sink in to that trap. Unless you’re extremely confident. That’s not the op’s fault - it’s his.

How are you feeling OP have things settled down at all?