Lost my cool

[NewMumSoon1]

I feel like I am slowly unravelling in to an angry angry person.

My 4 yo step daughter comes every week a couple of evenings for her dinner and to play and catch up with us both but obviously more so her daddy as they are like two peas in a pod.

Recently she's been coming and sitting in the living room because I personally think she's getting a little bored of her toys and being in her room on her own. So I asked her tonight if she would like to sort through her toys that she could donate to other kids or things that are just for chucking. Twice I asked and she came traipsing through with 1 random item or another then her dad eventually got off his arse and went through to 'help' her and again the pair of them came through with barely anything worthy of an actual clear out. I then said come on guys there's loads you're not playing with can we get this sorted so we have more room for when you get things at Christmas. She went through and her dad huffed about and then I heard them FaceTiming his dad. I am ashamed of this but I lost my cool when he did this and went through and picked one of the boxes up and asked her to come and look through the things with me like I had asked (by now 4/5 times) all the while his dad could see and I heard my OH sheepishly say 'I'll phone you back'.

My point is, I am 37 weeks pregnant and effing shattered. I went out and did all the Christmas shopping for my step daughter and have wrapped everything up and been super organised because we are gonna be having a baby in the next couple of weeks and I know I will have my hands full. I make all her meals, give her baths, dress her and buy her new clothes and plan and take her on wee trips to keep her occupied whilst my OH watches on happily because he doesn't really know how to 'deal' with little girls. I also have her on my own when he's working the weekends we have her so whilst I appreciate parenting is hard work, I think I go way above and beyond what my role is.

Don't get me wrong I am the strict one and I don't let her off with crocodile tears or acting the goat so she respects me and behaves really well while he gets to come across as the fun one without rules or limits.

He lost his temper with me tonight after the toy saga and he's now away dropping her back home (as is normal for 8pm) whilst I sit here in floods of tears thinking I am coming across like an absolute monster.

I am so bloody fed up of feeling like the bad one but I am so tired of running around like a headless chicken when I should be resting up with preeclampsia and a baby bump that's so heavy I feel like I could collapse.

Not sure why I am posting really but needed to vent

I am starting to understand I've only got myself to blame here. Will try to be more chilled out from now on.

Thanks to everyone - mean, not so mean, realistic and otherwise x

@NewMumSoon1

I am starting to understand I've only got myself to blame here. Will try to be more chilled out from now on.

Thanks to everyone - mean, not so mean, realistic and otherwise x

No no no you've got HIM to blame as well! It's not on you to chill out, it's on him to step up! You need to find your anger about this, he is treating you and his daughter appallingly. I'm shocked this is acceptable to you and I really hope it changes. He is her parent, he is showing you what kind of parent he is - lazy and selfish. That has to change, not you.

It never ceases to amaze me on Mumsnet the amount of stepmums who end up being the default parent to their stepkids when their in "dads care" because dad isn't doing his fair share of parenting his own kid/kids.

Expecting her to go through her toys and find ones to donate is absurd.

I disagree. If it's done in a gentle, age appropriate way, there is absolutely nothing "absurd" about helping a 4 year old clear out some space so Santa can bring new things. I did similar with my own DD at various points in her life when her room became too cluttered with stuff she no longer played with. She engaged excitedly with the process, knowing it meant other less fortunate children would get the benefit of the toys she no longer played with, whilst clearing space for new things for her.

Honestly the stuff that gets dramatised and blown out of proportion on here ... 🤷‍♀️

And actually, involving her in the process of making space for new things is far better than just chucking stuff out when she's not aware, for her to then wonder where this and that have gone... surely far more upsetting?!

@LouJ85

And actually, involving her in the process of making space for new things is far better than just chucking stuff out when she's not aware, for her to then wonder where this and that have gone... surely far more upsetting?!

This was exactly what my intentions were! I am just trying to help raise a well adjusted kid - I am doing only what I'd do for my own!

And to Lynn - sorry I just meant I had made a rod for my own back by just doing these things. I need to get 100% more help from him,

Please take care of yourself. I had pre eclampsia at 37 weeks with my first. You need to rest as much as possible. Xxx

This was exactly what my intentions were! I am just trying to help raise a well adjusted kid - I am doing only what I'd do for my own!

Don't worry. Those of us with an ounce of empathy and emotional intelligence could see your good intentions, don't worry. I think it's clear you're a really good step mum - you're just bloody exhausted. You need to get yourself some decent rest before this baby arrives and insist on your DH helping you!! x

Is it possible that in the evenings, whether or not she is with you, that your partner cooks, does the dishes etc whilst you have a nice bath & relax. If his daughter is there he can learn to juggle cooking, chores & childcare before the baby arrives. He will have to step up far more and actually parent his child rather than leaving it to you.
You cannot pour from an empty jug. You are constantly shattered, emotions & hormones running riot & have aching parts that you didn't know existed (long time ago for me but I remember it well). Your partner needs to realise that you need some rest and tlc.
And btw you sound a brilliant step mum .

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Is it possible that in the evenings, whether or not she is with you, that your partner cooks, does the dishes etc whilst you have a nice bath & relax. If his daughter is there he can learn to juggle cooking, chores & childcare before the baby arrives. He will have to step up far more and actually parent his child rather than leaving it to you. You cannot pour from an empty jug. You are constantly shattered, emotions & hormones running riot & have aching parts that you didn't know existed (long time ago for me but I remember it well). Your partner needs to realise that you need some rest and tlc. And btw you sound a brilliant step mum .

This made me cry a wee bit - thank you x

I agree you sound lovely and she's bloody lucky her father made one good decision and got together with someone who cares about others deeply

You cannot pour from an empty jug. You are constantly shattered, emotions & hormones running riot

This! Take care of yourself before you can care for others. Number one rule

She comes to sit in the lounge, so you conclude she needs to throw some toys out? I can see why the poor mite use confused & Her Dad is pissed off with you

I'm not sure that he's 'useless' as much as you're just taking over.

She's 4, FOUR! School is pretty exhausting when you're 4, especially now. It's not really the time to be telling her she has to sort her toys out & throw them away

Not to mention, right before you gave a new baby us both the time to be throwing her things away

When did you start doing all the parenting on his contact times?

OP you sound heavily pregnant and fed up. I remember crying because I couldn’t get my socks on at 37 weeks so I’m not surprised you’re upset - it’s so easy when you’re heavily pregnant.

I think your DP needs to tidy your DSD’s room, he’ll know what she does and doesn’t play with. Plus when you start looking through old toys with kids they suddenly remember their love of them all!

Also you need to stop doing so much, let your partner parent. You’ll have a baby soon and you can only spread yourself so thin.

Take care of yourself OP.

@ClaireP20

"I'm the strict one....I don't let her off with crocodile tears'.

You sound so nasty OP. I really feel for her. She has a stepmum who clearly can't stand her and a dad who doesn't give a shit.

God help that poor child. Expecting her to sort through her fucking toys to chuck..she's 4 years old.

Give it a rest. OP is heavily pregnant and no doubt feeling like crap. Everything is amplified. She does a lot for this little girl. Actions speak louder than words.

You sound way way too strict, and he sounds like a lazy father.

There is no way my four year old would want to be parted from her precious toys, and she won't throw anything out at 12! Why are you forcing her to do this? It sounds cruel to me.

Things will be even harder once the baby is here, time to talk to your oh about how he is going to step up and do more. I feel very sorry for the little girl, I doubt she dares to be anything other than perfectly well mannered (than it itself is not normal!!)

Omg shes 4?! You've got very high expectations.

Sorry OP but you sound way to harsh? I get you're pregnant (so am I!) but that's no excuse. She's 4 for gods sake - why on earth is she playing in her room on her own at that age?! And you sound like you are begrudging her coming into the lounge for company? Sorry but you sound awful?!

I have a 4 year old and it's difficult to part them from toys at that age - they might not play with it for a week or 2 and then it's the favourite for a couple of weeks.

If was your partner I'd be pissed off at you for what is an over reaction? So you've done the Xmas shopping for her? Presumably on line? Not a great trauma?!

@ivfbeenbusy

Sorry OP but you sound way to harsh? I get you're pregnant (so am I!) but that's no excuse. She's 4 for gods sake - why on earth is she playing in her room on her own at that age?! And you sound like you are begrudging her coming into the lounge for company? Sorry but you sound awful?!

I have a 4 year old and it's difficult to part them from toys at that age - they might not play with it for a week or 2 and then it's the favourite for a couple of weeks.

If was your partner I'd be pissed off at you for what is an over reaction? So you've done the Xmas shopping for her? Presumably on line? Not a great trauma?!

You’ve conveniently omitted all the care OP does in favour of minimising that by mentioning only Christmas shopping.

You sound exhausted.

Stop. Stop doing it.

Your partner, on the other hand, sounds lazy and Disney dad. He needs to step up, for you, for his daughter and for the new baby. He doesn’t get to opt out.

The baby will be in with you for a few months anyway there is no hurry to redd out the toys.

By the way.

I tried the “let’s clear your room out” with dd the other day. She threw out one cuddly toy.

She’s 18.

What I don't understand is why you'd give away the 4 year old toys when you're about to have another child... even if you're vastly wealthy and can buy the next child a wide range of new toys it seems excessively wasteful? Why don't you keep them to one side for when the next child can play with them?

Either way, as others have said, your expectations of a 4 year old are waaay to high...

You are far too strict, and that’s not relevant because she’s not your child, it’s relevant because you’re going to have your own child soon, and if you have those kinds of expectations of them,you are are setting yourself up for a fall.

Also, your DP has shown you what kind of father he is, if you think that is going to be different because you’re having a baby with him him are incredibly naive. In six months time you’ll be back saying how he never does anything, how you’re the one who gets up on weekends not only with your baby but with your DSD as well because diddums needs a lie-in....

As the DD is only four and you’re already pregnant I’m guessing you’ve been together since she was very little. Why did the ex wife bin him I wonder.....

Just grab a few under the bed storage bins and stash away some toys. Start a rotation. Kids will appreciate them more this way and you can hang onto them for your new baby. As for your DH, he will have to be more hands on with his daughter once the new baby gets here and you are busy BF'ing all the time.