Lost my cool

[NewMumSoon1]

I feel like I am slowly unravelling in to an angry angry person.

My 4 yo step daughter comes every week a couple of evenings for her dinner and to play and catch up with us both but obviously more so her daddy as they are like two peas in a pod.

Recently she's been coming and sitting in the living room because I personally think she's getting a little bored of her toys and being in her room on her own. So I asked her tonight if she would like to sort through her toys that she could donate to other kids or things that are just for chucking. Twice I asked and she came traipsing through with 1 random item or another then her dad eventually got off his arse and went through to 'help' her and again the pair of them came through with barely anything worthy of an actual clear out. I then said come on guys there's loads you're not playing with can we get this sorted so we have more room for when you get things at Christmas. She went through and her dad huffed about and then I heard them FaceTiming his dad. I am ashamed of this but I lost my cool when he did this and went through and picked one of the boxes up and asked her to come and look through the things with me like I had asked (by now 4/5 times) all the while his dad could see and I heard my OH sheepishly say 'I'll phone you back'.

My point is, I am 37 weeks pregnant and effing shattered. I went out and did all the Christmas shopping for my step daughter and have wrapped everything up and been super organised because we are gonna be having a baby in the next couple of weeks and I know I will have my hands full. I make all her meals, give her baths, dress her and buy her new clothes and plan and take her on wee trips to keep her occupied whilst my OH watches on happily because he doesn't really know how to 'deal' with little girls. I also have her on my own when he's working the weekends we have her so whilst I appreciate parenting is hard work, I think I go way above and beyond what my role is.

Don't get me wrong I am the strict one and I don't let her off with crocodile tears or acting the goat so she respects me and behaves really well while he gets to come across as the fun one without rules or limits.

He lost his temper with me tonight after the toy saga and he's now away dropping her back home (as is normal for 8pm) whilst I sit here in floods of tears thinking I am coming across like an absolute monster.

I am so bloody fed up of feeling like the bad one but I am so tired of running around like a headless chicken when I should be resting up with preeclampsia and a baby bump that's so heavy I feel like I could collapse.

Not sure why I am posting really but needed to vent

OP, you are doing far too much! Your DH needs to step up and parent his own child. At 37 weeks pregnant and with pre eclampsia you need to be resting and putting yourself first right now. He can parent his own child while you take care of you and baby - YOU should be your number 1 priority right now.

Also OP I forgot to add - your emotions will be all over the place right now due to pregnancy hormones, so of course you're feeling more angry and less tolerant! Especially in a situation where you're basically doing everything! Be kinder to yourself and slow down.

I think I go way above and beyond what my role is.

I don't think you do, I know you do. All of what you are doing is her father's responsibility!!

Agree with others that you need to lower your expenses of a 4 year old.

Also sorry to tell you that you've picked a lazy, Disney dad to have a baby with. That's not the 4 year olds fault either.

You're doing too much and licked a task that was never going to end well!
Let him parent her!
You can play with her and let him pick up the responsibilities.

She comes for such little time, don't always be the grouch when she's there, let him do that

Reading this, I wondered if maybe the timing is maybe a bit wrong for a big clear out? She probably feels a bit insecure with the new baby on the way. Maybe leave the big clear out for another time?

Yes, agree with pps btw, that your DH sounds a bit lazy and it sounds as if you do too much for him. You're going to have a baby soon and he is father to one child already and soon to another. Make sure he isn't going to continue to be dead weight. Not fair on either of his children or you .

You honestly expect a four year old to sit in her room on her own to play on the nights she comes round? And when she comes into the sitting room for a bit of company —to see her daddy— you tell her to go back to her room and sort out toys to give away to other children. Wow, you sound so warm and welcoming.

I hope she doesn’t think “hmm, what else will be cleared out when the new baby arrives.” Poor little scrap, she has had a lot of changes in her life and is just about to be served up a doozy.

I see the usual posters are out to go way over the top and throw out nonsense comments about how you "clearly can't stand her", I can't roll my eyes hard enough at that comment. It doesn't come across that way at all, but you need to reframe your thinking. Why would you feel stressed if you weren't doing those things? They aren't your problem. You don't want to do them and you know you shouldn't have to be the one doing them, and by the sound of things you wouldn't be confronted with any major behavioural issues if you didn't do them. You will have your hands full when your baby arrives, you don't need to waste your time stressing about staying on top of the behaviour of your partner's four year old, which by the sounds of things isn't causing any major issues.

Let your partner get on with the bulk of the parenting with her, which he should, and you will be able to focus on your baby. By the sounds of things, you need to make sure your partner is on the same page and expecting to need to step up more when the baby arrives anyway, as he'll need to do half of that as well. For example, he should be expecting to be doing a lot more of the cooking and chores etc while you are busy with the baby, and that will naturally include watching and cooking for his daughter.

Thank you for all of the criticism - constructive or just plain hurtful.

I love my step daughter as if she were my own and would put her before myself and my partner any day.

She's a fantastic kid who I love having over but the clear out was more because we have a small house and she is gonna be getting a lot of new toys come Xmas from us and his family, I'm only trying to take a little pressure off of myself in the long run.

I didn't come on here to get roasted I just wanted to get my frustrations out but I suppose some of you have never put a foot wrong in your lives.

I like looking after everyone and I am not ashamed to admit it. I was just hoping for a little support/back up from my OH.

I see the usual posters are out to go way over the top and throw out nonsense comments about how you "clearly can't stand her", I can't roll my eyes hard enough at that comment

Me neither. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

I make all her meals, give her baths, dress her and buy her new clothes and plan and take her on wee trips to keep her occupied whilst my OH watches on happily because he doesn't really know how to 'deal' with little girls. I also have her on my own when he's working the weekends we have her so whilst I appreciate parenting is hard work, I think I go way above and beyond what my role

You say he's a loving, doting parent and just doesn't like being bad cop.

You're protecting him because people have said he's a shit dad.

I'm sorry but reread the above, that you wrote... you aren't just having to be bad cop. You're having to be the default, day to day, basic task parent. That would be bad enough if his DD was yours too - but she isn't and you're STILL doing all of the parenting graft.

Stop allowing him to relinquish responsibility for his own child FFS! He is NOT a good dad at the moment. He's not.

And all the adults in the house are teaching the children in the house that it's a woman's job to look after children, not a man's job. It's so problematic.

Again I understand because you love him you are defensive of people saying how poor his parenting is but really... come on! He's behaving like a shit dad. Anyone can do the fun bits! He isn't just abdicating from the super tough bits, he doesn't even make her a bloody meal, plan nice trips or think about her clothing!!!

Can you see when you try to be objective that he is not being a good parent?

You are perfectly reasonable to expect that back up from your DH op. Time to maybe let him do the work as well. It's nice to take care of people, but you're heavily pregnant. If she doesn't clear out her toys, meh. Not a big deal. But your partner not helping is a big deal. I would speak to him and say that for the sake of both kids he needs to step up.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I make all her meals, give her baths, dress her and buy her new clothes and plan and take her on wee trips to keep her occupied whilst my OH watches on happily because he doesn't really know how to 'deal' with little girls. I also have her on my own when he's working the weekends we have her so whilst I appreciate parenting is hard work, I think I go way above and beyond what my role

You say he's a loving, doting parent and just doesn't like being bad cop.

You're protecting him because people have said he's a shit dad.

I'm sorry but reread the above, that you wrote... you aren't just having to be bad cop. You're having to be the default, day to day, basic task parent. That would be bad enough if his DD was yours too - but she isn't and you're STILL doing all of the parenting graft.

Stop allowing him to relinquish responsibility for his own child FFS! He is NOT a good dad at the moment. He's not.

And all the adults in the house are teaching the children in the house that it's a woman's job to look after children, not a man's job. It's so problematic.

Again I understand because you love him you are defensive of people saying how poor his parenting is but really... come on! He's behaving like a shit dad. Anyone can do the fun bits! He isn't just abdicating from the super tough bits, he doesn't even make her a bloody meal, plan nice trips or think about her clothing!!!

Can you see when you try to be objective that he is not being a good parent?

I can see from your perspective I am definitely being too defensive of my OH. He does need to step up to the mark and do ALOT more. I am hoping I am able to just be more laid back too because I am tiring myself out even thinking about it.

Ask yourself this.

Does a genuinely good man allow his partner to do the absolute lions share of parenting for his child (not her child) when she is 37 weeks pregnant, with preeclampsia?

Does a genuinely decent man do that?

You never know op, you might find the new baby helps you be more laid back? I definitely found that when I had more than one child to consider, I calmed down a bit!

She's a fantastic kid who I love having over but the clear out was more because we have a small house and she is gonna be getting a lot of new toys come Xmas from us and his family, I'm only trying to take a little pressure off of myself in the long run.

Can you not see how there doesn't need to be any pressure on you as a result of this. You're not wrong about it being logical, but why does it need to affect you at all if she has too many toys in her room?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Ask yourself this.

Does a genuinely good man allow his partner to do the absolute lions share of parenting for his child (not her child) when she is 37 weeks pregnant, with preeclampsia?

Does a genuinely decent man do that?

No I suppose not. And again I am not defending him but I don't think anyone really knows how insanely exhausting being pregnant is until they actually are. I bore myself saying how tired I am all of the time.

Thank you. You are all helping me gain a different perspective!

Time for me to relax and bask in my pregnancy glow - I mean sweat!

I love my step daughter as if she were my own

This much was clear to me from the sheer amount of time and energy you devote to taking care of her - no stepmum would do what you do for her if they didn't! So please don't feel the need to justify yourself to the rude people on here who clearly have an agenda.

When I read your post it was blindingly obvious that you're a woman who is going way, WAY above and beyond for a little girl who isn't hers, at a time when you're emotionally vulnerable and physically exhausted, and understandably at the end of your tether. Your partner needs to step up, OP. You can't carry on doing everything.

@aSofaNearYou

She's a fantastic kid who I love having over but the clear out was more because we have a small house and she is gonna be getting a lot of new toys come Xmas from us and his family, I'm only trying to take a little pressure off of myself in the long run.

Can you not see how there doesn't need to be any pressure on you as a result of this. You're not wrong about it being logical, but why does it need to affect you at all if she has too many toys in her room?

If her and baby weren't going to be sharing a room I'd shut the door when she wasn't there and forget about it when she wasn't there x

I’ve been where you are.
At 4 years old I won’t expect a child to play alone in their room much anyway.
Let alone give away their toys.

But I think you need to work on handing back more responsibility to her father

No I suppose not. And again I am not defending him but I don't think anyone really knows how insanely exhausting being pregnant is until they actually are. I bore myself saying how tired I am all of the time.

I'm not having a go at you (though I do want to shake you!) and this is coming from a place of solidarity but...

I've never been 37 weeks pregnant yet I understand enough that someone 37 weeks pregnant shouldn't be doing their partners share of parenting let alone with preeclampsia. I understand they would be exhausted and need to rest.

The reason I understand that isn't due to having gone through it (I've never had a baby) - the reason I I understand it because I'm not an absolute idiot and I have empathy.

Your husband is either actually stupid or utterly selfish and I'm sorry but nobody is that stupid so it's the latter. How are you not furious with him?!

He's being a prick, you're being a martyr (sorry!) and his DD is being a very normal four year old.

If her and baby weren't going to be sharing a room I'd shut the door when she wasn't there and forget about it when she wasn't there x

You have a fair while before your baby is ready to go in their own room, plenty of time for her dad to sort the space issue!

I don't think anyone really knows how insanely exhausting being pregnant is until they actually are.

I feel your pain. I'm 20 weeks pregnant myself and I would absolutely not be managing to do even half of what you're describing you do!

You sound knackered OP.
Put your feet up and have a cup of tea.
I suspect that you are someone who works hard and takes care of everything. It's time that you were looked after.
Forget the toys. But your DH really needs to step up. It's really not on for him to let you knock yourself sideways trying to do everything. If he's an adult man he should be able to do some laundry, make a meal and look after his own kids. Otherwise you're about to have 3 babies to look after...

For what it's worth OP. I dont think you hate her or can't stand her. You won't bother doing everything for her if you hated her.

I think you're tired and maybe a bit fed up and that's absolutely understandable when youre the one doing everything, and heavily pregnant. You say you like looking after people, that's a good thing but don't let it be trait he takes advantage of. For example, when your baby comes, would just sit back and let him plan, buy, and wrap everything up for Xmas while you did nothing or would you, even if he really loved doing all that stuff, still want to play a part in creating your child's Xmas.

He's supposed to love you and care for you. He should be insisting you out your feet up and he does it all. I know I sounded harsh in my last reply and I apologise. You do go above and beyond while her actual father doesn't even do the minimum for her. I genuinely hope he starts going above and beyond for his children instead of expecting you and his ex to do it all.