Lost my cool

[NewMumSoon1]

I feel like I am slowly unravelling in to an angry angry person.

My 4 yo step daughter comes every week a couple of evenings for her dinner and to play and catch up with us both but obviously more so her daddy as they are like two peas in a pod.

Recently she's been coming and sitting in the living room because I personally think she's getting a little bored of her toys and being in her room on her own. So I asked her tonight if she would like to sort through her toys that she could donate to other kids or things that are just for chucking. Twice I asked and she came traipsing through with 1 random item or another then her dad eventually got off his arse and went through to 'help' her and again the pair of them came through with barely anything worthy of an actual clear out. I then said come on guys there's loads you're not playing with can we get this sorted so we have more room for when you get things at Christmas. She went through and her dad huffed about and then I heard them FaceTiming his dad. I am ashamed of this but I lost my cool when he did this and went through and picked one of the boxes up and asked her to come and look through the things with me like I had asked (by now 4/5 times) all the while his dad could see and I heard my OH sheepishly say 'I'll phone you back'.

My point is, I am 37 weeks pregnant and effing shattered. I went out and did all the Christmas shopping for my step daughter and have wrapped everything up and been super organised because we are gonna be having a baby in the next couple of weeks and I know I will have my hands full. I make all her meals, give her baths, dress her and buy her new clothes and plan and take her on wee trips to keep her occupied whilst my OH watches on happily because he doesn't really know how to 'deal' with little girls. I also have her on my own when he's working the weekends we have her so whilst I appreciate parenting is hard work, I think I go way above and beyond what my role is.

Don't get me wrong I am the strict one and I don't let her off with crocodile tears or acting the goat so she respects me and behaves really well while he gets to come across as the fun one without rules or limits.

He lost his temper with me tonight after the toy saga and he's now away dropping her back home (as is normal for 8pm) whilst I sit here in floods of tears thinking I am coming across like an absolute monster.

I am so bloody fed up of feeling like the bad one but I am so tired of running around like a headless chicken when I should be resting up with preeclampsia and a baby bump that's so heavy I feel like I could collapse.

Not sure why I am posting really but needed to vent

I'm not sure this is a step parenting issue so much as a shit partner problem. I think you need to try and have conversation (much sooner rather than later) about the fact that if he is useless 2 evenings a week, what does he expect to happen 24/7 when your baby arrives.
4 yo children are notoriously shit at relinquishing toys so far easier to sneak them out when she is not there.

She is 4 years old - you are both expecting far too much from her and your partner needs to step up.

4 yeas olds see a toy and start playing with it and forget he task, your partner is shit and you are taking it out on her. Expect her behaviour to get worse when the baby arrives as she loses your attention, her DF does nothing and you remain strict.

I agree. Not a step parenting issue.

You've got together with a useless non-parent and unfortunately he's now going to be twice as useless.

Don't store up all your anger and pour it over one issue when you explode, it makes you look petty and unreasonable. You need to stop doing everything. Now.

Wow. He's got you well trained hasnt he.

At age 4 , most kids aren't in the tossing out mode. They sort and rediscover items and for the moment become re-engaged with those previously ignored items.

It would probably be a lot less stressful for you, if you removed those items that she does not play with or use. She won't miss them and you won't be stressed. Trust me , she will probably never notice.

Your DH is a total arse. Why are you doing everything for her? Would he just not feed her etc if you didn’t?

You are not being unreasonable. This will only be harder when you have a newborn and heaven forbid if your new baby is a girl, DH will sit and smile while you double up on everything.

Sit him down and explain how he unfair this is. Apart from anything else, doing all those things means spending more time with his DD and he should want to look after her. You’re not his maid/nanny. Time to get tough before the baby comes.

Your partner is an arse and she's 4, what did you really expect to happen when she went to sort her room out on her own?

@Takethewinefromtheswine

I'm not sure this is a step parenting issue so much as a shit partner problem. I think you need to try and have conversation (much sooner rather than later) about the fact that if he is useless 2 evenings a week, what does he expect to happen 24/7 when your baby arrives. 4 yo children are notoriously shit at relinquishing toys so far easier to sneak them out when she is not there.

You are right. He could do so much more. He, in fairness, suggested doing this when she wasn't there but I was trying to make her feel like she was being helpful (which she likes doing).

@bogoffmda

She is 4 years old - you are both expecting far too much from her and your partner needs to step up.

4 yeas olds see a toy and start playing with it and forget he task, your partner is shit and you are taking it out on her. Expect her behaviour to get worse when the baby arrives as she loses your attention, her DF does nothing and you remain strict.

Whilst I appreciate your response, she is a very articulate 4 yo with great manners, speech and always tidies up her own toys so in this instance I have to disagree, we've done this before and she enjoyed doing it. More so because she was excited that other kids would get to play with something she once loved.

Although you make a valid point about her behaviour being potentially worse once baby arrives. I am worrying about this.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I agree. Not a step parenting issue.

You've got together with a useless non-parent and unfortunately he's now going to be twice as useless.

Don't store up all your anger and pour it over one issue when you explode, it makes you look petty and unreasonable. You need to stop doing everything. Now.

I wouldn't go as far to say he is useless, he's a loving partner and a doting dad.. he just doesn't know how to do the bad cop role.

Unfortunately, if I do nothing it'll only be me who stresses out!

First of all, your stepdaughter is 4. Expecting her to go through her toys and find ones to donate is absurd. Secondly, you can only blame yourself for doing all of the childcare, cooking, shopping, etc. Just stop it already. You are setting a horrible precedent for when your baby is born. Tell your husband in no uncertain terms to get off his arse and be a parent.

You’re being a complete martyr. The obvious solution to this would be to stop it. And you’re expecting way too much for a four year old, no matter how ‘articulate’ she is. Stop thinking you’re doing everyone a favour by acting like a skivvy, and start expecting your partner to start acting like an adult instead of the four year old.

I think your expectations are quite high for a 4 year old. I wouldn't expect a 4 year old to sort through their toys on their own (or agree to give up many!). Similarly playing quietly on their own in their room for long periods isn't that usual at that age. However, I agree with the others that your real issue is your dp isn't prepared to do the work involved in being a parent.

I agree about the crocodile tears comment, you sound awful. She is four years old! And I think it's far too much to expect from a four year old. Sounds so over the top!

@ClaireP20

"I'm the strict one....I don't let her off with crocodile tears'.

You sound so nasty OP. I really feel for her. She has a stepmum who clearly can't stand her and a dad who doesn't give a shit.

God help that poor child. Expecting her to sort through her fucking toys to chuck..she's 4 years old.

Overly harsh.

She doesn't sound nasty and she clearly can stand her.

I agree the dad is the issue and the toys are a non issue, but go easy for God's sake.

He sounds like an arsehole in that he does nothing for his child in the way of the physical stuff. If he's sitting back and leaving her mum and you to plan and organise everything for her, cook, clean and launder etc then be prepared for him to do the same with his second child.

But it sounds like you expect a lot for a four year old little girl. Her sitting in the living room doesn't have to mean she wants her toys chucking out. It could be that she wants to be where her daddy and you are. Do you expect her to spend most of the evening in the bedroom on her own playing? What kind of message do you think you are sending her by telling her to go find toys to get rid of because she's spending too much time in the living room? How long are you expecting her to spend alone in her bedroom?

It sounds a little bit like you're taking you anger and frustration at DPs shit parenting out on her a little bit. It's very common for acting out to start when a new sibling arrives. You absolutely shouldn't be doing all that you are and him sitting back while you shows he prioritises himself above his children and partners to be honest.

Why does she need to get rid of her toys and why did it have to be done tonight? Your partner sounds lazy but I'm not surprised he's angry with you for doing that when he was speaking to his dad.

@ClaireP20

"I'm the strict one....I don't let her off with crocodile tears'.

You sound so nasty OP. I really feel for her. She has a stepmum who clearly can't stand her and a dad who doesn't give a shit.

God help that poor child. Expecting her to sort through her fucking toys to chuck..she's 4 years old.

This.

I also don't understand why you expect her to play in her room? Of course she wants to be where you are.

he just doesn't know how to do the bad cop role.

Or feed her. Or look after her. He's not a doting father. He'd make an adequate uncle. Just.

You sound so nasty OP. I really feel for her. She has a stepmum who clearly can't stand her

@ClaireP20

This comment is completely out of order. OP does bloody everything for the little girl!! She'd be doing none of that if she "couldn't stand her". 🙄

I assume OP this is your first baby as you don't seem to understand how much 4 year olds can do.
Generally they suddenly want to play with every toy you suggest throwing out.
Also they are easily distracted.
Your dp was right about going through his dd's toys without her.
Just chill and do it another day when you feel less stressed.