Page 2 | 14yr old wants boyfriend to stay over

Sandfly46 · 2020-11-23T14:55:55+00:00

My husband's 14 year old daughter stays with us a couple of days every month. This time she want her boyfriend of 3 months to come and stay (not in the same room). My husband has agreed to this and is paying for his flights and travel. Im sick about it! I see no healthy reason to allow a boyfriend to stay overnight with a child even in a different room. DH just wants to keep her happy so basically agrees to whatever she wants so he doesn't lose her. I'm really struggling with his lack of parental boundaries and moral compass.

ememem84 · 23/11/2020 16:14

@FudgeDrudge

Did you miss the bit where they'll be in separate rooms?

Yeah because boyfriends and girlfriends in seperate rooms never ever go elsewhere once everyone else goes to bed.....!

that was my thinking.

the poster who asked why the boys needed a flight - i'm going to assume he's in another part of the country? NZ is huge. i had no idea how huge until i was there. i naively thought it would take a couple of hours to get from one part of the north island (corremandle peninsula) down to wellington. wrong. wrong. wrong.

shinynewapple2020 · 23/11/2020 16:44

Sorry but if it's in separate rooms what is the problem ? Do you not allow sleepovers for friends of the same sex ? Absolutely I would not condone a sexual relationship or sleeping arrangements that may lead to this but refusing an opposite sex sleepover has the danger of pushing the relationship into a higher significance than it needs .

Twizbe · 23/11/2020 16:49

@shinynewapple2020

Sorry but if it's in separate rooms what is the problem ? Do you not allow sleepovers for friends of the same sex ? Absolutely I would not condone a sexual relationship or sleeping arrangements that may lead to this but refusing an opposite sex sleepover has the danger of pushing the relationship into a higher significance than it needs .

Separate bedrooms means nothing.

My in laws always made up the spare bed for me ... I never actually slept in it. We'd say goodnight and once everyone was in bed I'd go to his room ...

Original poster

Sandfly46 · 23/11/2020 17:10

Yes NZ is large! We fly everywhere. So SD lives with her mother at the other end of the country, I get on well with the mother but I wouldn't go behind hubbys back to talk to her directly about my concerns regarding the BF. Besides she's ok with all this. Hubby Flys SD down once a month to keep the family together which is great. Ive been on the scene since she was 6, we get on fine but I am just her dads wife not a mother figure. Me and hubby and my 17yr old son live in a country town where kids enjoy being kids for alot longer than their city counterparts. I am always shocked when she arrives to see how old she looks. She wears skirts that show her bare butt cheeks, her belly is always on display. she has all sorts of piercings, no curfew .... and no rights of passage to look forward to when she grows up because her parents treat her like an adult now (but without the maturity or responsibilities that come with being an adult). Her dad put his foot down the other day because he saw a photo online of her in her underwear with the boyfriend holding her tits. So she didn't speak to her dad for weeks to punish him for his anger. So now he's making it up to her by allowing this week long sleepover with the handsy boyfriend.... go figure!!! He still calls her "my little girl". Its so many different levels of fkd up

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LemonBreeland · 23/11/2020 17:17

Wow, this is totally shocking, but your update is appalling. She should not be allowed a boyfriend to stay over at that age. She can manage a week without him.

She clearly has Dad wrapped around her finger. He needs to be a parent, even if that means she doesn't like him.

The fact that both sons are finding it wrong should surely be a wake up call to him.

Original poster

Sandfly46 · 23/11/2020 17:46

Shiny new apple - of course we allow sleep overs of the same sex! Theres a huge difference between her "friend" and her "boyfriend". Why does anyone want their gf or bf to stay over, even in a different room? Its certainly not because they intend to be playing makeup and dolls. Its absolutely sending the message that we have no rules or boundaries and that she gets whatever she wants no matter the moral cost. Im going to ask hubby when he gets home what he would actually say no to? I bet If she asks to shoot up heroin at our house because it's safer there, he'd probably agree and buy her a clean needle (theoretical of course!). Ironically he was incredibly hard on his son and my son. His boundaries with them know no limits. And my son has actually thrived and matured wonderfully under this disciplined structure in our household

OP posts:

CupoTeap · 23/11/2020 17:49

They will not be staying in their own rooms

EKGEMS · 23/11/2020 17:50

I'm going to be blunt here-I would have no more love or respect for a man who is so obviously fucked up in the head with his double standards and shit parenting. Seriously. I think I'd walk away or maybe even run away.

MrsMarrio · 23/11/2020 17:52

Absolutely no fucking way. There is no reason for a boyfriend of 3 months to stay over at someone's house that they only stay at a few nights a month. Insanity.

Closingtime94 · 23/11/2020 17:53

@Sandfly46

Shiny new apple - of course we allow sleep overs of the same sex! Theres a huge difference between her "friend" and her "boyfriend". Why does anyone want their gf or bf to stay over, even in a different room? Its certainly not because they intend to be playing makeup and dolls. Its absolutely sending the message that we have no rules or boundaries and that she gets whatever she wants no matter the moral cost. Im going to ask hubby when he gets home what he would actually say no to? I bet If she asks to shoot up heroin at our house because it's safer there, he'd probably agree and buy her a clean needle (theoretical of course!). Ironically he was incredibly hard on his son and my son. His boundaries with them know no limits. And my son has actually thrived and matured wonderfully under this disciplined structure in our household

If there's a picture online with her in her underwear with her 16 year old boyfriend holding her tits isn't that child pornography? Shouldn't the police be involved?

Original poster

Sandfly46 · 23/11/2020 18:07

Hubby constantly justifies his lack of discipline with his daughter. "why should he when I let my son away with so much"? - Like sometimes my son doesn't mow the lawns on the day he's supposed to, or he didn't ask before using a tool to fix his car and I dont get wildly upset about that. So hubby constantly brings up my lack of discipline with my son to downplay with his lack of discipline with his daughter... I struggle to see a comparison between not mowing the lawn on time and allowing sex under our roof at 14...

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Magda72 · 23/11/2020 19:02

If there's a picture online with her in her underwear with her 16 year old boyfriend holding her tits isn't that child pornography? Shouldn't the police be involved?
This!!!
Wtaf @Sandfly46 - Your dh is way off the mark here. WHAT is he thinking condoning any of this?

NC4Now · 23/11/2020 19:07

No, no and more no.

Shit it falls on you to have to spell it out though.

Littlepaws18 · 23/11/2020 19:23

His rules are going to if not already create a very obnoxious demanding girl. Who live the rest of her adolescence with adult issues. This will massively impact her adulthood and decision making ability in the future.

MeridianB · 23/11/2020 19:35

Can’t believe what I’m reading! Your DH wins the award for Disney Dad of the year. I couldn’t stay with someone this ridiculous. Hope he’s looking forward to being a grandfather!

MeridianB · 23/11/2020 19:38

And I should have said, no offence meant to you, OP. You’re clearly up against tidal waves of appalling parenting. His glib dismissal of your challenge to this makes me think he doesn’t appreciate you as he should.

foxyroxyyy · 23/11/2020 19:39

You're both problematic.

You let this man bully your son as he grew up and now you watch as he lets his daughter do literally whatever.

I think you need to look at your own value system and think clearly about whether or not you belong with this man. If you find that you do, stop complaining.

user17425642134531 · 23/11/2020 19:41

He's facilitating sexual abuse of a child.

andtheHossyourodeinon · 24/11/2020 08:54

He's facilitating sexual abuse of a child

Don't be a tit. The 16 year old is also a child, not an abuser.

FelicityPike · 24/11/2020 09:09

@andtheHossyourodeinon

He's facilitating sexual abuse of a child

Don't be a tit. The 16 year old is also a child, not an abuser.

No, the 16 year old is over the age of consent. Technically it’s statutory rape, therefore the dad is facilitating sexual abuse of a minor by allowing this to happen.

WitchWife · 24/11/2020 09:17

He’s obviously scared to take responsibility - I’m unclear why he doesn’t see this as a child protection issue?

WitchWife · 24/11/2020 09:17

Has he at least spoken to her about sexual health - does he know she’s using contraception?

andtheHossyourodeinon · 24/11/2020 09:59

No, the 16 year old is over the age of consent. Technically it’s statutory rape, therefore the dad is facilitating sexual abuse of a minor by allowing this to happen

They are still a child, and statuatory rape doesn't exist in the UK, so technically you are wrong, and no he isn't.
You are ridiculous.

PickledRick · 24/11/2020 10:05

I'm assuming your DH is happy to be a grandad soon as well as a dad? This poor girl needs boundaries, not to be treated like a 20 year old. You are in such a difficult position OP.

PickledRick · 24/11/2020 10:07

Also do you know if your step daughter's mum knows about the picture online?