What is fair in this situation

[PlanetMars]

I have 2 dc at university - I haven't seen them since September due to all of us at some stage either having coronavirus/lockdown/self isolating. My son is in his first year and has SN. We all can't wait to get back together for Xmas. I alternate Xmas with their dad and it's my turn this year :).

Dp has 2 dc in primary school who we see every other weekend and then occasional other days/weeks in holidays. Up until mine were at university, we would alternate weekends so we never had all of them together.

I have 2 places - a small flat in London, where I work, which is my dc's home. I also have a house in the middle of nowhere (around 2 hours from London) that coincidentally is about 20 mins from dp's dcs so we stay there when we see them. In lockdown, I have WFH from the house as it's bigger/has a garden etc.

The problem is when my dc get back, they will go home (London) and I would like to be there to see them. I don't want or need to come back to the rural house till after Xmas when my dc will go and see their father.

The issue is dp's dcs. In the few weeks I will have the kids leading up to Xmas, 2 of the weekends are his dc weekend. Dp's ex refuses to let dp have the kids unless I am there (she thinks he's a shit father, he's not tbh but I don't want to get involved in their disputes). Dp told me today his plan is to bring them to London but tbh the flat is way too small (ds's room is a box room, dd has a bigger room but still not huge) and also I really want to see my kids and I work FT so will only really have the weekends to see them properly and I think having 2 primary school kids in the flat together with all of us will be too much (and there is nowhere for them to sleep!). I've said he needs to tell his ex he will have them on his own at the rural house while I spend a few weeks with my kids which he says she won't allow.

Dp is upset - he hasn't said I'm being unfair but I can tell he wants me to compromise. I feel like I haven't seen my kids in ages and I'm only asking for essentially just over 2 weeks with them! So am I being unfair?

[PlanetMars]

Apologies, I was working this weekend

I have met his ex and I get on well with her. And I am definitely not someone who criticises other parents or other women for that matter, but she is someone who believes that no one else can look after her children other than her. I would say she has severe anxiety. And I'm sure dp doesn't help because he's laid back and larger than life and I can see why the two of them didn't work out but I am no spring chicken, I'm late 40s, I've been married and divorced and I am pretty good at reading other women and I think the bottom line is that she does not want dp to look after them without another woman being there as she just believes women do a better job of looking after dc. When I met her, she presented me with a huge list of dos and don'ts - I mean huge - and what I was allowed to do/what i wasn't etc.

to be honest, if I had known that at the start of my relationship with dp, I wouldn't have gone out with him because the hassle of this is enormous (especially considering my dcs have left home!) and I still contemplate whether this will work (they are primary school age so I've 10 more years of this!).

I'll see how christmas goes and make a call in the new year as to whether I can continue if he doesn't sort it out or whether this is just too much for me

and I've been divorced for a long time, think someone was questioning that, more than a decade now and was single for ages afterwards so this isn't some 'post divorce rosy thing'!

anyway, thanks, it's really useful to hear people's thoughts as sometimes you're so in the middle of something, it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

[monkeymonkey2010]

Dp's ex refuses to let dp have the kids unless I am there (she thinks he's a shit father, he's not tbh but I don't want to get involved in their disputes)

He is a shit dad if he's choosing to let his ex run rings around him and his children.
He's a shit partner for making you give up your free time to supervise him with his children instead of taking this to court.....

You 'helping' him like this is not doing either of you favours nor the kids.....and kinda proves the ex's case that your DP is a shit parent and needs supervising.

You thought you could enjoy some extra freedom in your life now that your DC are older/flown the nest - and enjoy seeing your DC on the precious few occasions you can now before they are 'fully fledged adults' with lives of their own.

He's spoiling your time with your kids and he doesn't care - cos apparently his wants are more important.....yet he doesn't want to do the work involved in sorting his problem-ex....

i'm guessing spontaneous get aways, holidays with girlfriends etc are off the cards for you if it falls on his contact time?
and you'll always get 'blamed' for him not seeing his kids because you dared to prioritise something in YOUR life?

Oh wait.....you are.....