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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What is fair in this situation

52 replies

PlanetMars · 14/11/2020 22:48

I have 2 dc at university - I haven't seen them since September due to all of us at some stage either having coronavirus/lockdown/self isolating. My son is in his first year and has SN. We all can't wait to get back together for Xmas. I alternate Xmas with their dad and it's my turn this year :).

Dp has 2 dc in primary school who we see every other weekend and then occasional other days/weeks in holidays. Up until mine were at university, we would alternate weekends so we never had all of them together.

I have 2 places - a small flat in London, where I work, which is my dc's home. I also have a house in the middle of nowhere (around 2 hours from London) that coincidentally is about 20 mins from dp's dcs so we stay there when we see them. In lockdown, I have WFH from the house as it's bigger/has a garden etc.

The problem is when my dc get back, they will go home (London) and I would like to be there to see them. I don't want or need to come back to the rural house till after Xmas when my dc will go and see their father.

The issue is dp's dcs. In the few weeks I will have the kids leading up to Xmas, 2 of the weekends are his dc weekend. Dp's ex refuses to let dp have the kids unless I am there (she thinks he's a shit father, he's not tbh but I don't want to get involved in their disputes). Dp told me today his plan is to bring them to London but tbh the flat is way too small (ds's room is a box room, dd has a bigger room but still not huge) and also I really want to see my kids and I work FT so will only really have the weekends to see them properly and I think having 2 primary school kids in the flat together with all of us will be too much (and there is nowhere for them to sleep!). I've said he needs to tell his ex he will have them on his own at the rural house while I spend a few weeks with my kids which he says she won't allow.

Dp is upset - he hasn't said I'm being unfair but I can tell he wants me to compromise. I feel like I haven't seen my kids in ages and I'm only asking for essentially just over 2 weeks with them! So am I being unfair?

OP posts:

KatherineSiena · 15/11/2020 11:35

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You and your children deserve to see each other and in an age appropriate setting too. Younger children in a too small apartment won’t work. Your partner needs to make his own arrangements & also needs to assert himself more with his ex over contact. It sounds to me as if you’ve been more than accommodating in facilitating his contact with his children.

Iwonder08 · 15/11/2020 11:43

What a lot of nonsense from your partner. You go and spend time in London with your kids. If he can't sort out the situation with his ex, then he won't see his kids. As simple as that

sassbott · 15/11/2020 12:37

Good lord.
So he’s managed to get himself into a relationship with a woman who is financially well off, older children and you basically pivot your world around him and his children. The one time you say ‘no’, he’s not allowing it?

Your world should not revolve around his children. There is absolutely no obligation on you and you’re already doing so much.

Sorry but he needs to sort this situation out, the onus is not on you to ensure your free time is spent enabling him seeing his children. I mean do you get to do anything for you?

I also hope (as an aside) that you got a watertight legal agreement signed before he moved in. You’re clearly supporting him and providing a home for his children. Be careful

Letseatgrandma · 15/11/2020 12:41

Dp's ex refuses to let dp have the kids unless I am there

That isn’t fair on you. What about before you got together? What if you split up? Why should you be the grown up for his kids!!

His kids-his problem. You need to focus on yours.

user1493413286 · 15/11/2020 12:43

Probably a good time for him to make it clear to his ex that she doesn’t get to decide that he can’t have the kids on his own. I think it’s fair you want time with your DC and if his children come then you’ll all be on top of each other and doing separate things anyway so it’s only because of their mum.

Letseatgrandma · 15/11/2020 12:44

Where does your partner actually live?

I hope he doesn’t just live between the two properties that are yours and has his own house?

londonscalling · 15/11/2020 12:46

Regardless of your situation ... Your children may well want to be In London to see their friends over the Christmas period. Even if lockdown is over, they will still need to social distance!

londonscalling · 15/11/2020 12:49

You said "Dp's ex refuses to let dp have the kids unless I am there"

Is that true? It's rare that an ex wants the new partner there.

Is you DP just saying that so he gets help from you with his kids?

HotSince63 · 15/11/2020 12:49

He does sound like a bit of a shit father to be fair.

You provide the accommodation for his children.

You arrange your free time to accommodate him seeing his children.

The one example you gave about how unreasonable his ex is (the child falling from the tree) your DH wasn't actually there with his children, and I appreciate that it's only a snippet of information and you'll probably come back now to say he'd gone inside to go to the loo or something, but you've given the impression that when they're with you, you "have to" provide the childcare because his ex "wont' allow" him to.

Nope, stick to your guns with this one. Go to London and be with your own children. Your partner will have to figure something else out.

EatPrayYoga · 15/11/2020 12:50

Maybe this will be the thing that forces him to sort out the issues with his ex. I'm not sure why you and your dc should have to compromise when it sounds like you are already providing a place for them all.

SocialBees · 15/11/2020 12:59

You are not being unreasonable at all to prioritise seeing your children over your DP's arrangements. I don't think he should lie to his ex either.

AlternativePerspective · 15/11/2020 13:10

Dp's ex refuses to let dp have the kids unless I am there this rings alarm bells for me. it’s one thing an ex saying she won’t let her ex see the kids if the new partner is there, it happens that way sometimes and is unreasonable as a rule. But to say that the ex can only see the children if his new partner is there implies that there is something you’re unaware of here.

I’m guessing something happened with the DC before you came on the scene meaning that he is unfit to have the children unsupervised. He probably hasn’t fought it because he knows it will all come out in court if he does. There is literally no reason why he couldn’t go to court with this, so given he hasn’t I would want to know why.

You’re not unreasonable FWIW, but I would be questioning this relationship. Is he with you because he knows if he was single he wouldn’t be allowed access to his children?

FinallyHere · 15/11/2020 13:32

Dp's ex refuses to let dp have the kids unless I am there (she thinks he's a shit father, he's not tbh but I don't want to get involved in their disputes). Dp told me today his plan is to bring them to London but tbh the flat is way too small (

Wow. Just wow.

He only gets to see his DC with your support in your house, then he 'tells' you his solution is piling in on your too small flat.

How do you get some people so selfish in relationships with people who are so decent

he wants me to compromise

Well, no he doesn't. He wants what he wants at the expense of ... everyone else

You say his ex accuses him of being neglectful. If the best solution he can come up with is that he and two DC pile in on top of one adult and two teens in a tiny London flat, I can see how she might think that.

Is this the first time you have said no to him? Stand by to have a bit more sympathy for his ex's view in future.

He should not be afraid of self representing in court for unsupervised access. Does he maybe prefer to blame the unreasonable ex for securing your support?

Sorry, we could easily be way off the mark here but .... do have a think about this one.

Ragwort · 15/11/2020 13:51

Agree with Letseat, where does your DP actually live, does he just drift between your London flat and your country home? He's clearly got a very comfortable and easy life going on ......

KatherineSiena · 15/11/2020 14:04

Is he the partner who wanted you to sell your apartment as it wasn’t used often? Something rings a bell. If so, he certainly has got his feet very comfortably under your table(s).

Apologies if I’ve confused/conflated two posters.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMee · 15/11/2020 14:14

Are you sure DP's ex doesn't let him look after the kids on his own? Maybe, it is him, who wants help from you looking after his kids?
Either way, you have your own grown up DCs, whom you are entitled to spend time with. You have done your job and do not need to be BURDENED with someone else's DCs.
Your DCs still need you and still want their DM's undivided attention. DP's DCs are nothing to your DCs so do compromise!

sassbott · 15/11/2020 15:16

How do you get some people so selfish in relationships with people who are so decent.

Sadly this happens a lot. Especially post divorce. Guy meets girl, sparks fly. In the rosy glow days, everything is good. Until problems with the ex come up. One party then decides to ‘step up’ and help. Thinking it won’t be forever, assuming at some point the other party won’t make so many selfish asks and that the pendulum will swing back to more balance.

Aside from, it doesn’t. This is a prime example of that.

MeridianB · 15/11/2020 15:38

YANBU - go to London and have a lovely time with your DCs over Christmas. Nothing should get in the way of that.

I am sorry that your DO has such an unreasonable ex and no chance of challenging her nonsense legally because of finances, but that should not stop you making up the quality time with your children,

Grobagsforever · 15/11/2020 17:59

This man sounds like a weight on your shoulders. Living in your properties. Suffering because of the so called 'crazy ex' (amazing how every man has one isn't it???).

Stantons · 15/11/2020 18:01

@grobagsforever this ex does indeed sound crazy

Grobagsforever · 15/11/2020 18:06

@Stantons

That's my point. So many men on Mumsnet with these so called crazy ex's, the poor lambs,

I don't believe a word of it.

Stantons · 15/11/2020 18:26

@grobagsforever your post sounded sarcastic as though you didn't think the ex sounded crazy, I'm confused. Maybe I just need wine 😅😅

Grobagsforever · 15/11/2020 19:45

@Stantons

The ex does sound crazy based on the DP's description. However, I highly suspect he's talking bull shit like the thousands of other men with 'crazy ex's' and leading the OP in a merry dance so he doesn't ever have to look after his own kids alone.

FinallyHere · 15/11/2020 20:09

he doesn't ever have to look after his own kids alone.

Or run a household.

Wonder how the bills are split?

Hope these are way off the mark. As PP said, it happens so often, certainly on MN.

Stantons · 15/11/2020 22:10

@grobagsforever I thought that about OHs ex. She couldn't be that bad, he was just biased and bitter, even thought I could forge a working relationship with her, then I had a conversation with her. She makes Heath Ledger's joker look rational and logical!!!

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