Dss asked if he can call me Mum...

[bounce89]

I wouldn't usually consider this as I'm a firm believer of you have one mum and one dad, however, Dss is 9 and has refused to have any form of contact with mum for over 2 years. We have taken him and encouraged him to go many times but he has his own reasons (things she's said/done to him) in the past.

The other Dsc still go to their mums but only when they feel like it, the oldest (12) refused contact for 2 years previously but has started going again. I have 2 dc from a previous marriage and me and Dp have 1 child together.
We all live together and have full custody of all the children.

Tonight whilst saying goodnight Dss asked really nicely in front of all the other dc if he could call me mum, he asked previously when he was younger and I always said no because he has a mum but now he's older I'm worried that he'll feel rejected.
I do all day to day care and can understand why to him this would feel like the next step but I'm very aware that he might want to change his mind in the future and have a relationship with his mum but I'm not sure that she would ever allow it if we did take this step as she's very grudgey even towards the children.
Basically I have no idea what to do or say?
Any advice?
I can't seem to sort out my feelings on this one! I want to do what's best for him but right now DP and I can't decide what that is.

I would say 'yes you can call me mum' or 'I would prefer you call me mumbounce is that ok?'. He needs security and calling you mum is part of it. I think this is more about how he feels than how you feel.

He needs to call someone mum and his birth mum isn't right so he needs you to fill the position.

I might get flamed for this but I think it's not up to you to decide. If he wants to call you 'mum' let him call you mum. If he wants to start calling you by your name again in a few years let him. It would probably mean a lot to him if he could call you mum. Why not?

My half sisters have always called my mum 'mum'' although they've never even lived together. I call my mum by her name although we have a very close relationship.
People make such big deal out of it when it really should just go by the feel and not some societal norm or a fear of offending other mums who wouldn't like stepmums being called mums.

Normally I’d say no, but it the circumstances I think it would be ok. Or if his birth mum is definitely “mum” could you be mom / mam or another variation? I think saying he can’t could do more harm than saying he can in this instance though.

I think you let him, it seems it would make him happy. He can still have his biological mum, have a relationship with her (in the future) and call you both mum. One of my best friends calls her step mum ‘mum’.

He sees you as his mum, that is such an honour, well done you 😊

I would say yes because at the end of the day it is just a label...

He sees you as his day to day Mum, his security and comfort.

When we married my dc asked dh if they could call him dad. They have never seen their df..
A dc asking to feel part of a family to the highest degree isn't imo up to you to deny him that.
You should feel very proud op.

I’d let him given that he doesn’t see his actual mother. He obviously needs some sense of security.

I think you’ve earned the title ❤️

Oh yes absolutely, this poor boy needs a mum and he's chosen you 😍 what an honour. You can't deny him this x

I would definitely let him call you Mum, I have an adult friend who has a biological mother that is possibly a bit like your DSS's.
She has called her stepmother who raised her Mam since childhood. If she references her Mam in conversation that's who she is talking about.
She does have a relationship with her Mother, but it's distant. She calls her Mam to her face but my Mother when talking about her.

Ah bless him ❤️

Definitely let him call you mum, and let him know that you love him. Not saying that you don’t by the way, just it’s heartbreaking to think of a wee child having to ask that. Sounds like you’ve been great for him.

He's asked twice now. I think this is really important to him.

I would say yes. It doesn't really matter if he calls his biological mum and you, as his stepmum, both by the name mum. I think it would really matter to him though if you said no again.

That's really nice if he feels that way about you! I think it's up to him rather than anyone else what he wants to call you. If he thinks he's got 2 mums and calls them both the same thing, that's fair enough!

Well done OP! You've clearly done a fantastic job

You clearly have done an amazing job of raising him of course let him call you mum, he knows he has 2 mums but wants to call you mum as he sees you as his mum .

I think this is ok. My DD calls DH dad even though she knows he is her step dad. He is dad to her two younger siblings and has raised her so it feels right for us. DS calls DH by his first name and that is fine too. I think they’re all comfortable because they’ve decided themselves.

As your stepson has made the decision himself I think it’s totally fine.

Aww OP I think I’d say yes call me mum. He sees you as that so I’d be flattered. Normally I’d be kind no that’s strange but it doesn’t seem strange in this situation. She’s obviously not able to be a real mam to him and he thinks you’re a better fit.

Different if you asked him to call you mum but as it was his idea I thunk I’d say yes.

Good luck

If he has asked he obviously sees you as mum figure and wants the security thats comes with it I would allow him to. A good talk is needed though explaining that if he calls you mum or not you are there for him an be there for him once he realises for sure he has the security he may change his. mind

I cannot picture how saying no to a 9 year old wanting to call you mum could ever be the right idea.

Normally I would say hell no, but this broke my heart.

He needs a mum, and you are it. He must feel loved and safe with you.

If he needs to call you mum, I would let him.

I'd feel totally honoured that a 9 year old asked me this. He's done it off his own back.
I think this is so lovely.

I was that child, albeit many years ago now. My mum left, I was raised by my dad and step mum. I asked if I could call my step mum 'mum' but was always told that I had a mum and it wasn't fair on her. I never had a good relationship with my real mum, I went to stay with her during school holidays occasionally but remember never wanting to go. We had no contact whatsoever for several years during my teens.

I never have called my step mum 'mum', but in every way she is my mother. Every birthday / Mother's Day card etc I get with mum on. I sat her on the top table at my wedding and I always refer to her as my mum when our and about or talking to people - we have a great relationship.

If DSS wants to call you mum then let them. From experience it's not about who gave birth to you, but who was there when you needed them the most ❤️

I would absolutely let him do it - this should be about what makes him feel safe and not about adult feelings (I'm thinking of if his mum objects for some reason). I think it's quite an honour, he must really love you

He wants to feel like he belongs and to be able to say to others - my mum- just like most people do. He wants you to be mum, you are in all but name and you should say yes and tell him you feel honoured and love him. Also tell him it’s fine if he changes his mind or if he wants to call his birth mother mum too. That is also fine.