Dss asked if he can call me Mum...

[bounce89]

I wouldn't usually consider this as I'm a firm believer of you have one mum and one dad, however, Dss is 9 and has refused to have any form of contact with mum for over 2 years. We have taken him and encouraged him to go many times but he has his own reasons (things she's said/done to him) in the past.

The other Dsc still go to their mums but only when they feel like it, the oldest (12) refused contact for 2 years previously but has started going again. I have 2 dc from a previous marriage and me and Dp have 1 child together.
We all live together and have full custody of all the children.

Tonight whilst saying goodnight Dss asked really nicely in front of all the other dc if he could call me mum, he asked previously when he was younger and I always said no because he has a mum but now he's older I'm worried that he'll feel rejected.
I do all day to day care and can understand why to him this would feel like the next step but I'm very aware that he might want to change his mind in the future and have a relationship with his mum but I'm not sure that she would ever allow it if we did take this step as she's very grudgey even towards the children.
Basically I have no idea what to do or say?
Any advice?
I can't seem to sort out my feelings on this one! I want to do what's best for him but right now DP and I can't decide what that is.

I’d want to be called “mum” by him if I were you. He deserves the normality and belonging that the label brings. His biological mother hasn’t earned that title.

Another yes vote, and it shows how much he thinks of you.

This isn’t about whether or not you can, or should, say ‘yes’.

It’s more that you can’t possibly say ‘no’.

Thank you for the replies. I do feel very proud and will have a chat with him today about it all.
The biggest worry is his mums reaction but it should be about what Dss wants so I guess we'll just see what happens.

Thank you all

Yes. Let him. I'd have let him the first time because what he needs comes WAY above what his BM wants.

It must be so hard for him having your DC & your joint DC call you Mum, but he's not allowed.

His BM can think what she likes, her behaviour has caused this situation, not yours and not his

I agree with everyone else, and like you I would normally be very against the idea. You are his mum in every way that matters at this point and clearly bring much needed stability to his life.

Get him to call you mum + usual name first so its not too harsh on his "mum" then he can drop the second part no one will notice i get that she isn't what he wants right now but its still going to hurt her which in turn will hurt the children

Agree with a pp, let him choose, make it clear he can stop and go back to your first name too if he wants

That's lovely and what an honour for you. He's telling you what he wants. I'd listen. Let him call you mum. If he changes his mind later down the line (I doubt he will) then he does. I wouldn't recommend anyone coercing a child into it if it was the other way round but it clearly isn't that case here. I'd be more worried he'd feel rejected if you said no

Ok op I'm going to give you some personal insight into this from a child's perspective.

I was your DSS. I had contact with my dad when I was young then didn't want to for various reasons. I then asked my stepdad if I could call him dad. It seemed the natural thing to do and he accepted.

I later regained contact with my dad, albeit sporadically.

I've continued to call my stepdad dad along with calling my biological father dad also. Sometimes it can be a little awkward when they're both around but you know what if they want to feel awkward that's their problem. I was the child who needed a dad and it felt natural at the time to call SD dad.

Go with what your DSS wants. He needs security and comfort right now and most of all to know he belongs and has a mum.

Feel honoured ❤️

If he thinks he's got 2 mums and calls them both the same thing, that's fair enough!

Exactly, he can still call his mum 'mum'.

Your DSS’s needs trump his mother and always will.

It sounds like he is desperate for a mother figure and you are providing that admirably. But part of the maternal role is its wider acknowledgment - ie he can say ‘mum did this’ to his friends. I would agree to it, whilst always referring to his other mother as mum too. Perhaps you could have different titles? She can be mum and you can be moogie or mummy/mom/mama(Star Trek people will know what I mean 😉).

If it’s going to make him feel safe and loved then of course you should let him call you mum! Why not just have a conversation about it where you say you would love that and feel very honoured that he wants to. However you completely acknowledge that he has a biological mum who can never be replaced and if he ever feels like reverting back to step mum or just your name that’s absolutely fine with you.

@slipperywhensparticus

Get him to call you mum + usual name first so its not too harsh on his "mum" then he can drop the second part no one will notice i get that she isn't what he wants right now but its still going to hurt her which in turn will hurt the children

Why does she even need to know?

She will find out from her other children the ones she still sees?

I’d let him, make him feel secure and loved ‘well you’re my son so I’m your Mum’ something that shows him he is loved by you as much as the other children. If he wants to change his mind later on then that’s fine. It sounds like a little boy needs some security and affection.

Bless him... he will feel secure, and he can talk about ‘his mum’ like he’s got a proper mum. Feel proud, OP

Oh god let him. The wee soul.

Let him. It's his choice.

What did you say when he asked last night, OP?

Please sit him down and tell him that you think of him as your boy, so you would be honoured for him to call you mum, and that can be as little or often, or for however long, as he is happy to.

What a little darling.

@Ideasplease322

Normally I would say hell no, but this broke my heart.

He needs a mum, and you are it. He must feel loved and safe with you.

If he needs to call you mum, I would let him.

This a million times over. He needs a mum, and you are it.

Please let him. It only matters what he needs and he needs to call you mum otherwise he wouldn’t have asked. As you mentioned he may feel rejected if you say no and that is a very real issue. And possibly the most important issue. You could just always explain that of course he can and reassure him that if he ever wants to go back to using your first name then he can and you won’t mind.

I think it should be up to him, I also think you should be honoured and be proud of yourself.

I agree, it should be his decision not his birth mothers (and I have said that purposefully because that is what she is really from what you've said).

As others have said, he will be craving security I imagine. You are his mum in every way that counts and so he wants to be able to call you that. I think it's really important for him if that's what he wants to be allowed to do so.

Go for it. If his birth mother has a problem, well she should have been a better mother in the first place and only has herself to blame in all honesty.

OMG Honestly, I don't see why you wouldn't allow your step children to call you Mom...
My step daughters sometimes get confused and call me mom and they apologize right away, but I always tell them to call me whatever they like, as long as it isn't offensive... I know I'm not their biological mother, but they have 2 moms and 2 dads and they are very loved by all of us, so for me, it really isn't a big deal.

If the mother was upset, she could tell them not to call me mom and it'd be fine by me, but I guess, in the end of the day, the kids make a decision based on how you feel. If your SS wants to call you mom, I'd be honoured if I were you. You've been promoted! LOL