This is never going to end. Having to consider leaving boyfriend to protect my children from his ex.

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

There is so much back story.

This thread gives a sense of the issues if you want more background www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3549889-There-goes-our-easter-holiday.

Yesterday accusations were made against my children. My biggest fear came true. I have spent over 3 years of my relationship terrified of this moment. I knew that mum was capable, but hoped that time would help allay whatever was going on in her head.

Now I'm having to consider if I can continue in my relationship because I don't think my children can have any more contact with partners child.

My partner had a phone call Tuesday from social care. Mother made an allegation against one of my children, of which I'm sure you can guess the nature. Luckily for me and my partner, I have never allowed the children to be alone together. They are always supervised when here (we still don't permanently live together - he maintains a separate property) because I needed to protect my children. We both know the allegation to be untrue because the children are not left alone (which is exhausting, but I felt necessary until the mother was more reasonable - which I had hoped time would bring).

I had a social worker visit yesterday, who concluded that she had no concerns that anything had happened. She spoke to the children. She was very nice and reassuring. All well on my front. Her investigation will be completed within 3 weeks, other than a safety talk to my children so they can tick a box there is no further follow up. Report will state children are safeguarded by each parent, no concerns.

Child has been medically examined. No concerns there either.

The child is 3 (almost 4). They have repeated an allegation to the social worker - but we don't have the full story still. Social care is in two authorities. My authority told me one version, the childs authority told another version. Childs authority was asked today to confirm allegation, but they said they weren't sure yet and they were still trying to find out what it was from the child .

Partner was told he can still maintain his contact, but until my authority send their report, child should not come here. Fine by us both. Social worker reports back to mum, no concerns, dad to maintain contact in his property until report is through.

Of course, mum refused. Said no contact at all. Made further allegation that child is now saying daddy tells her not to tell mummy things (again, untrue).

It is exhausting. This mother will not rest until she has what she wants. She plays a long game. She bides her time. This is a child who is not quite 4. This will be the 4th application to court (2nd enforcement, 2 previous child arrangement applications). Me and my children are now being made in to her collateral damage.

I can not tell you how angry I am that she stooped this low. I knew it was possible, but did not believe she would go this far to try and stop contact.

If this had not affected my children, I would be able to tolerate the situation. But now my children have been targeted, I don't think our relationship is tenable. I can step back, we have our own property. The children can be kept separate. But, I just don't think that is a life I want to lead. It is incredibly painful to find myself here. I know couples do do this when children are involved. But for us, it doesn't feel right.

I can't see a way through this. My children will suffer both ways. Obviously they could suffer more if further accusations were made. But should we go our separate ways, my children will have the only male role model in their lives taken away. He enriches their lives incredibly. He has been there for them for 3 years. They are only 7 and 5. They don't remember life before him. He has enabled them to take part in extra curricular activities (I couldn't do it without his support), he has enabled me to change my job to be there for them more by providing childcare at unsocial hours, he has taught them through lockdown and beyond (he is a primary teacher). He is a father figure to them when their own father did not want to be. Even my oldest child (18) has had his life improved by my partner being present and thinks highly of him, despite the teenage years being one of the most difficult times to consider blending a family. Had he not reacted well to him, then we wouldn't be here over 3 years later as again, my children are my priority.

I feel sick. I will always put my children first. But this feels so incredibly wrong. All my children are going to suffer either way now, to varying degrees.

I guess I don't really need advice. Just understanding and a little moral support. I'm just so bloody angry.

Not as yet. It is still very much ongoing. A social worker is talking to mum today to try and arrange for DP and his daughter to be seen together at school. The social worker has told him that it isn't an assessment - but that they want to see how mum reacts. If she refuses that contact they have said they will be telling her in no uncertain terms that this behaviour is parental alienation. They will be writing it in their report. So either the mother will continue, or back down when she knows it will look bad (she won't back down, I'm quite certain of that).
They have said they will be supporting DP in court as they do not believe the mother.
The mother has actually had a solicitor write to DP and say they are issuing a c100 application and that contact has been suspended due to social services advice. DP asked the social worker if this was the case - they confirmed yet again that this was not the case, and asked for a copy of the letter to take it further with the mother. It doesn't look great lying on a solicitors letter about what a social worker didn't actually say.
Hopefully the mother will relent - unlikely though. No court date through as yet.

@ThisMustBeMyDream ah it must be so stressful for you. Just don't let her break you.
It's so hard knowing what to do for the best 💕
Good luck with it all xx

Thank you. My sanity is taking a bit of a beating at the minute. Not helped by the fact I am yet again confined to my house as now I have covid (asymptomatic, totally well, tested positive last tues on a lateral flow test for work). We had only been out of isolation for 5 days following DP's actual unwell with covid period.

Gotta keep my chin up though...!! Gritted teeth and all that!

Nothing heard from the social worker today. It is most likely that the mother has refused to allow the "assessment". I assume as the social worker said they wanted to get DP to the school this week, that she would have contacted today to arrange if mum had agreed to it. DP will call tomorrow afternoon if he doesn't hear. Of course it is possible mum didn't keep to the appointment, or the social worker was off, or had to cancel etc. It is frustrating that it is all dragging on - but I guess just allowing it to play out is all one can do.

Interestingly, when the social worker went to see the child at school early last week, she said she didn't want to see daddy. The social worker tried to find out why - she could give no reason to this. When the social worker was talking to her about a picture on the class wall that was taken by DP of her eating her healthy snack - she got really excited. So the social worker asked if she would like daddy to come to her school to see her, and she said yes and was excited at the suggestion.

The poor little girl is clearly being horribly manipulated in my opinion. I am just glad for her that the social worker is so on the ball.

The social worker said she will be pushing hard for the mother to resume contact - and wants all this sorted before Christmas. Which would be amazing for everyone if that was the case. Again, it is incredibly unlikely that the mother will stop her behaviour. I am quite certain she wants to get this to court and delay the inevitable as much as possible.

Im sorry. You're spending a lot of time worrying about dp and his child, this is taking you away emotionally from your own children. It's impacting your parenting. You seem to have given him quite a bit of responsibility in parenting your children despite knowing his toxic situation. This isn't going to end well. Put your children first which means stepping away, and let the professionals help with his little girl. Your children need you, not him ultimately

That is rather presumptuous @yesterdaystotalsteps123. The main focus of my original post was about considering my childrens needs. Yesterday was simply an update on the social service side of things.

I have already decided that going forward my children will have no contact with his daughter. DP is free to decide if he is happy with that going forward. He may decide he can't do that and choose to end the relationship. Same as I may find that it doesn't work for my children or me leading separate lives, and further down the line I could choose to end the relationship. I already feel that it isn't a great choice. My children's lives will be impacted by this no matter what.

It doesn't mean I would not have some emotional investment in his situation even if we were no longer a couple. I would always want to remain friends. So of course I am concerned about the outcome for him and his child. It doesn't take away from my ability to consider my own childrens needs above all else.

I'm so sorry to read this @ThisMustBeMyDream, what a difficult situation for you and your DC. Absolutely the right thing you are doing in keeping the DC apart.

When my DSS11 made allegations about me, supported by his DM, I stepped back and told my EXDP that I would no longer look after him alone, as the risk of any stain on my name would cost me my job. He wasn't happy about it, but couldn't argue against it. It affected the way we lived together, as we couldn't just do the carefree things we did with our DC. I would never get together with a DP who has a high conflict EX again, as I want to live a quiet life.

I hope you are able to maintain the relationship while going through this horrendous time, and that the authorities see through the DM's wicked behaviour. She is damaging her own DC beyond belief in planting those false stories.

As your DP is a teacher, I would be very concerned that his XP could impact on his career. She only has to make allegations against him and he will be suspended. I really hope she will be found out before more damage is done.

@itsovernowthen How did things all turn out for you? Is this recent? Or is DSS older now?

@Ismellphantoms It is one of both our concerns. DP has been a supply teacher whilst all this has been going on the last few years. He was offered a permanent post yesterday, and whilst we were filled with happiness at the stability of a proper job - there was the underlying concern of the "what if's".

The social worker finally called last night. The only update was that mum had refused the meeting in school between dad, daughter and social worker. She couldn't give a reason as to why she refused. She became upset and tearful. She asked the social worker to speak to her dad as "he had concerns". The social worker rang her dad and listened to his concerns. He repeated the same allegation of DP alienating his daughter against them (funnily enough, this is what they are actually doing ). The social worker told DP she told her dad that they have no concerns about DP's care of his daughter, they don't believe that he has said anything of the sort to his daughter. He then repeated the allegation about one of my children. The social worker told him again that they still don't have concerns, they don't think anything happened, the evidence points to nothing happening, and that even if it did, the safety talk to children is sufficient due to their ages. He was told that they have no concerns about contact between the children, and that in time me and DP may wish to marry and live together, and that they would be supportive of that as a positive step for the children (I admit that bit made me cry).

The social worker has left mum to think about her decision for one more day. She has been told that the report will not be favourable to her in court, and that they will be stating this is a case of parental alienation. They strongly recommended she didn't let it get to court as it wouldn't look good on her at all. So tonight we will know that outcome.

Unfortunately the social worker has said if they can't get her to budge on contact, that this will be the end of their work other than writing the report for court. So they clearly think mum is making things up to alienate DP/child from each other. But it doesn't meet the threshold for them to stay involved.

This was at the beginning of last year @ThisMustBeMyDream. As I've not been alone with DSS since, there's not been enough scope for him to make any serious allegations, though he's tried more minor ones (me asking him to take his plate to the kitchen and wash it, translates to his DM reporting to my DP that I am treating DSS as slave labour in our house in making him wash mountains of dishes ).

Unfortunately it's not a happy ending for us. I've told my DP that we'll be putting the house on the market in January and we'll be going our separate ways, though we'll need to share care of the DC 50/50.

My only hope for when he finds a new DP who becomes DSM to my DC, is that she treats them kindly, like so many of the DSM's on this board try to, only to come up against attempts to derail the relationship by a jealous DM.

I hope it works out for you

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, I feel like you shouldn’t give up. The allegations are untrue and it sounds like your life with your partner is much better for the children too. There’s only so many times (approx 3) that she can make up lies before she then is investigated herself. My friend has been through this with her partners ex, luckily the allegations were against him and nobody else but she is now having to have a pyschiatric assessment because the whole judicial system can see she is lying and hurting her children in order to back up her lies. I hope you are able to resolve and not allow her to end your happiness together x

So the end conclusion has arrived now. Well, the social services part anyway.
His ex finally agreed to a "supervised" contact. She refused it to be done in school where it was neutral ground, with no mum at handover. Instead she would only agree to an afterschool collection from her own parents house, for the contact to then be held at a children's centre.
This went ahead on Monday. It went as well as could be hoped for. Child was happy with her dad other than the initial 1 minute whinge on pick up. They played for an hour. She asked him if she would still go to his for Christmas. There was nothing to note other than a positive contact.
The social worker went back in the house with his child on return to speak with mum.
SW rang DP the next day. She said that the child had told mum she had had fun, and wanted to see daddy again soon. Mum then started telling the child in front of the SW "well, what about those naughty boys, you don't want to see them do you". SW told her she was not to speak about my children to her child in that manner. That she was to present dad and his family in a positive light especially in view of the outcome of the investigation.
She was asked again to recommence contact. Mum refused. Still saying the same things. She said she would agree to another "supervised" contact but only with collection from her house this time. SW refused. Stated no supervision is required - there is nothing for them to observe. SS would not agree to wasting time/money on something completely unnecessary.
So mum is still refusing contact. SW has said that they have now completed their work, that they have to close the case as threshold not met to stay involved (as expected). They will still prepare a report if instructed by court.
The SW has told him they fully support him in his application to court. They strongly suggest he gets legal advice from a solicitor. That he should be telling cafcass that this is parental alienation (she said this is what they believe is happening). Of course he is anxious about stating this as he doesn't want to look like he is mud slinging. I think he will probably have to word it carefully ie. The social worker discussed parental alienation etc... rather than him making the claims.
The SW discussed future allegations with him. She expressed that she would too be concerned about future allegations.
As they were mid conversation, she was interrupted by another social worker who said to her that she knew my DP from 3 years ago at an observed contact she did right at the start of proceedings. She said she had nothing but good things to say about him. This same SW was the one who said she had never witnessed a mother so intent on distressing her baby during contact with the father (she was knocking on the window and shouting through it!).
DP couldn't have a more positive rapport with the SW, the childs school/teacher, in fact everyone who he has come in to contact with over the course of his child's life. I know I could be biased, but he is a truly lovely person. One of lifes really good people. He can be disorganised and scatty, don't get me wrong he is not perfect! But there isn't a bad bone in him. He is through and through kind and thoughtful. Everyone who meets him loves him. Something that I found both unusual, and endearing was that he has maintained friendly contact with all his previous ex's over the years and not one has a bad thing to say about him - it is only her who wants to portray him as a monster (I do believe DP once said she treats me like I'm the child catcher). 🤷‍♀️

This is just so hard. I really wish he was just a little bit of a prick - so I could easily walk away. But he isn't.

So it is now off to court. It will not be until next year. He will not have christmas with his child as she was expecting to. I can't imagine that court will go well for her. But given it can go any which way in court, it is a scary prospect non the less.

My children are now asking where she is, when they will see each other etc, and wanting to know that she will be with us for Christmas. They were both upset and crying when I explained that I don't know when we will see her, that she definitely won't spend this Christmas with us. I've framed it as positively as I can. I just said her mummy was upset and that the grown ups need to talk and find out how to make things better. Reiterated that they can talk to me if they are upset and that they haven't done anything wrong. If they want to draw pictures or write letters to her that they can. Or even make videos. That we will see each other again soon. They still keep asking every day though, if she will be coming over. It's my job to manage this and protect them. It is hard to know what the right thing to say and do is sometimes though. If anyone has any useful suggestions on how to manage their feelings through this period, I'm all ears.

I haven't told the children that they won't be seeing his child in my house going forward by the way. Not until we see the outcome from court. I want to wait for that before doing anything else.
I had decided that the children would have no contact. But I have in the last few days been thinking that we will still meet with the children but only in public settings. Ie. Restaurants, cinema, soft play. I was initially against even this, not wanting any contact, seeing it as the only way to manage the risk. But seeing how upset my children are at not seeing her and on the advice of the SW, I have come round to the thought that we could maybe manage the risk as we would be in public, with children fully supervised at all times. The SW told DP that although they would be duty bound to investigate, the documentation made this time and on previous contacts offers a level of protection for us. The SW said we should feel free to move our relationship forward without fear, and that the children should enjoy positive relationships with each other.

I guess most people don't have good things to say about SS. But I can honestly say, our experience of two separate authorities has been a positive one. They have handled things sensitively and have been able to see what is happening from the beginning. They might not have been able to help much with the contact - but they have left me in no doubt that they can see where the truth lies.

Good luck going forward.
It sounds like it will be a long, hard journey.