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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

24F, hating being stepparent, thanks lockdown

66 replies

Wemjef · 19/10/2020 23:48

Hi all.

I need help. I’m 24 and my boyfriend is 35.
He has 2 daughters ages 5 and 8.
I will keep it brief but it’s all a massive dark cloud over our relationship.

He is truly amazing. Genuinely a walking angel, can’t fault him at all and I love him dearly.
We only dated a few months before I met his girls, they are so wonderful. So sweet, and genuinely love me a lot.

But lockdown caused us to live together very early on and he has 50% custody so it was a lot to take on.
Locked in with someone else’s kids and stuck in a house is enough to make anyone struggle, even if they’re your own. Plus helping him through his divorce is the hardest emotional rollercoaster for me.

I started to resent them a lot because they’d be annoying/need his attention 24/7/impact our relationship.
The 5 year old will sometimes tell me about ‘mummy’ and what ‘daddy has bought her years ago’ and it’s painful to me. I know she can’t help it but he should stick up for me and he won’t.

I now dread every time they stay. I can’t stand seeing him hug them. He’s genuinely the best dad and so so devoted to them but I can’t get round sharing him and having to deal with his divorce.
His ex wife is a witch, she goes out all the time and tells us she can’t pay her rent/buy them clothes. We had abuse from her for months.

I want to stay with him and we are amazing but now all we do is argue about his kids and it’s horrible. I’m too young to go through this and I’m not ready, but how can I see it differently and enjoy it?
Please tell me I’m not alone.

I don’t want to feel jealous. I avoid being home when they’re here and it hurts him. I hate hearing him talk about them. I feel evil.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 29/10/2020 06:45

I wouldnt have wanted this at your age either. Youre just at different stages of life. Thats a huge deal. You shouldnt be pushed into family life before youre ready. You either need to live seperatly or split

AndIquote · 29/10/2020 06:48

Did you mean to post in lone parents or step parenting
^

What does it matter? She's still going to get her arse handed to her to on a plate. Cardinal sin OP to say you have a problem with step children. However if you can pick some good advice out of the vitriol, it is to finish this. You are too young to be tied up with this guy and his baggage.

BikerWife · 29/10/2020 06:54

You are young and got your whole life ahead of you, this man's baggage will drag you down and honestly the best thing you can do is walk away! It sounds like this relationship is already affecting your self esteem and mental health.

You are not evil, you are just in the wrong relationship and its full of stress and toxic drama. How you feel about his dc is a reflection of everything that's wrong with the situation and not a reflection of you and if they were a friends you would probably think them cute and adorable!

Iwonder08 · 29/10/2020 06:59

OP, maybe it was a blessing in disguise..you had an overview of the next 15 years of your life if you stay with this man. Does it look appealing?
It can actually get worse when they are teens..

JenniferSantoro · 29/10/2020 07:11

You need to end this relationship. Those little girls deserve better than a jealous stepmother who can’t stand to see their father be loving and attentive with them.

You sound very immature, especially if you can’t see How fucked up your viewpoint is.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 29/10/2020 07:20

They're a family and you should get out of their way.

Go and be 24 instead of bumming around a house hating someone else's kids and being his emotional support for his divorce!

Beautiful3 · 29/10/2020 07:30

I would move back home and just continue dating him. I do feel that being a step parent isnt working for you. You're young, you'll meet someone else (without kids).

HennyLenry · 29/10/2020 07:49

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel

They're a family and you should get out of their way.

Go and be 24 instead of bumming around a house hating someone else's kids and being his emotional support for his divorce!

Who said she was bumming around the house? How rude are you!

Prosperus · 29/10/2020 08:03

I actually applaud your honesty, I felt like this in some way with my dps child for a while. We were together a year before him and his ex thought it was the right time for me to meet their son and I found it very difficult watching him cuddle and devote his time to someone other than me after I’d had him all to myself for a year.

I found it very difficult/hurtful that him and his ex had this bond which was a child...I felt like I wasn’t as important to him as her and dc, I used to dread his visits. I did think it was jealousy but now looking back I think it was my own insecurity, we are human and sometimes we can’t understand or control our own feelings.

I found that getting involved and doing things with them helped me like him more.

BUT ( and I’m not suggesting this is the answer to your problem) I found when we had our own child and I realised what it was to be a parent that everything really clicked into place and I found myself enjoying him being here and truly enjoying watching him grow up and be part of the family.

I hope this helps.

CaMePlaitPas · 29/10/2020 08:06

I agree pretty much with all previous posters. This relationship doesn't have a future - end it.

You should never have got with a man 11 years older than you with kids.

fishonabicycle · 29/10/2020 10:46

Yup. You're 24. Leave it and be young free and single, and find someone you can be happy with. This relationship isn't for you.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 29/10/2020 10:56

What do you think I meant @HennyLenry ?

I just meant hanging around being unhappy.

D00MGL00M · 29/10/2020 14:33

Bumming around I'd have assumed means lazing about and/or not paying their way.

Wannabegreenfingers · 29/10/2020 14:40

Please leave for everyone's sake. You should in no way be playing step mum at such an early stage in your relationship.

The children will always come first and you clearly aren't able to deal with this and there is nothing wrong with that, staying and resenting the children is wrong.

Mistystar99 · 11/11/2020 20:14

Split up.
This is clearly not working.
Dump him, you're only 24 and not mature enough to cope with kids, let alone stepkids. You are being cruel, unintentionally but nonetheless.
Better still, he'd dump you, but it looks like he's just thinking with his cock, so you'll have to be the better person here and chuck him first.

jealousofstars · 11/11/2020 21:58

You expect him to shut down a 5 year old child for mentioning her mum.
You hate seeing him hug them.
You are not mature enough to be a step parent. I feel so sorry for him in this - no wonder you're arguing. You should and will always come second to his children. Leave and find something more suitable for you.

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