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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

24F, hating being stepparent, thanks lockdown

66 replies

Wemjef · 19/10/2020 23:48

Hi all.

I need help. I’m 24 and my boyfriend is 35.
He has 2 daughters ages 5 and 8.
I will keep it brief but it’s all a massive dark cloud over our relationship.

He is truly amazing. Genuinely a walking angel, can’t fault him at all and I love him dearly.
We only dated a few months before I met his girls, they are so wonderful. So sweet, and genuinely love me a lot.

But lockdown caused us to live together very early on and he has 50% custody so it was a lot to take on.
Locked in with someone else’s kids and stuck in a house is enough to make anyone struggle, even if they’re your own. Plus helping him through his divorce is the hardest emotional rollercoaster for me.

I started to resent them a lot because they’d be annoying/need his attention 24/7/impact our relationship.
The 5 year old will sometimes tell me about ‘mummy’ and what ‘daddy has bought her years ago’ and it’s painful to me. I know she can’t help it but he should stick up for me and he won’t.

I now dread every time they stay. I can’t stand seeing him hug them. He’s genuinely the best dad and so so devoted to them but I can’t get round sharing him and having to deal with his divorce.
His ex wife is a witch, she goes out all the time and tells us she can’t pay her rent/buy them clothes. We had abuse from her for months.

I want to stay with him and we are amazing but now all we do is argue about his kids and it’s horrible. I’m too young to go through this and I’m not ready, but how can I see it differently and enjoy it?
Please tell me I’m not alone.

I don’t want to feel jealous. I avoid being home when they’re here and it hurts him. I hate hearing him talk about them. I feel evil.

OP posts:

Enoughnowstop · 20/10/2020 12:13

When you imagine a future with a good man, do you imagine that man would have put you first over his children? Not seen his children very often because they upset you? Stuck up for you by telling a 5 year old to stop talking about what he remembers about his mum and dad? Do you think that sort of man is genuinely desireable?

There are women out there who demand that a partner prioritises them at all times above all others. You can be one of those women if it suits you. But if you stay with your partner, you will be demanding he puts his children last. Would you then want to go on and have children with a man who puts his children last? Do you not want better for yourself and your future children?

Tiredoftattler · 20/10/2020 12:31

You have found this amazing man, and you do not want to deal with the baggage that comes with him. The thing to do is to move out and move on to find an amazing man with no baggage.

It is a wise woman who discovers what she can and cannot tolerate and who leaves behind that which she cannot tolerate.

Twenty four is not too young to be a parent to 2 kids, but 24 may be too young to be playing house with children that are not your child in an unhappy setting.

His children deserve better and you deserve different.

aSofaNearYou · 20/10/2020 15:19

Nothing wrong with any of your feelings, they are very natural, but seriously, just move on. It's going to be like this forever and no one man is worth all that.

RedMarauder · 20/10/2020 21:16

As a 24-year-old why are you going out with a man with children?

Apart from the fact you clearly aren't mature enough to deal with them, at 24 there are lots of men you can date who will treat you right who don't have children.

earthtopluto · 20/10/2020 21:21

The 5 year old will sometimes tell me about ‘mummy’ and what ‘daddy has bought her years ago’ and it’s painful to me. I know she can’t help it but he should stick up for me and he won’t. Sorry, what? Stick up for you how? Please tell me you don't ask the 5 year old not to talk about her mummy and daddy and her memories of them!

SandyY2K · 20/10/2020 22:40

Your 4 years older than my eldest DD. Why are you settling for a man with kids when you're so young and have choices?

You don't need this headache at all. Its way too much for you to cope with.

Kids...
An Ex who is stressing you out...
A divorce
He hasn't got enough time for you

It's unnecessary baggage, which unless you're desperate, you don't need to be dealing with...and you can't be desperate at 24.

dontdisturbmenow · 21/10/2020 09:48

As others have said, you don't have the maturity level for this sort of experience.

It's not an insult at all. I too wouldn't have had a clue at 24yo.

You want to experience with your oh what 24yo experienced meeting a man around that age who doesn't have children. That can't happened so the option is to accept him with the respect that he can't make you the sile centre of his world, and that he comes with the demands that are typical of those of children that age, or you need to accept that however much in love you are, love is not enough to make you happy.

Amanda87 · 21/10/2020 10:04

"I can’t stand seeing him hug them."

OMG!! Seriously???? They are HIS CHILDREN.
I'm a step mother and I'm gonna tell you this isn't for you. Or maybe the age gap and the life experience are just adding to the situation.

MyMyMrThumb · 21/10/2020 16:31

Yeah.. you don't sound emotionally mature enough for step parenting I'm afraid.

MrsP2015 · 22/10/2020 00:56

Hun you know deep down this isn't for you.

Believe me it only gets worse when they get older.

SenorFrog · 22/10/2020 01:05

You need to leave your bf and his family as soon as possible and find someone without children, you're really not suited to being a stepparent. Resenting young children because you're jealous of their relationship with their own father is toxic. What would you do if his daughters wanted to move in with you? My stepdd moved in with us when she was 14. It's ok for us though as we love each other, I don't see her as an extension of her mother, but a wonderful woman in her own right.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/10/2020 18:11

100% you need to leave. You're 24 FGS. You're going to ruin your life and screw up two childhoods if you don't.

Find a man without kids.

jimmyjammy001 · 26/10/2020 07:18

Your at different stages in life, why throw away your prime years in your 20's to be step mum to somebody else's children?! There are plenty of other amazing single blokes in their 20's without kids where you will have a better chance of a long term relationship working and could then one day have your own children together.
Don't sacrifice your happiness because of someone else's children making you unhappy in a relationship, he and them come as a package and it will never change you will allways come second I'm afraid, I was you 15 years ago.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/10/2020 07:24

Op the best thing for everyone is for this to end and end now. You are so young and you deserve someone who is at your stage of life.
There’s nothing wrong with that, I’d run for the hills from any man with children at your age. He also sounds like a bit of an emotional vampire, no wonder you’re finding it tough. End it nicely now or in 6 months when nothing else has changed you’ll still be ending it but probably not so nicely as you’ll be even more fed up

tenlittlecygnets · 26/10/2020 07:27

You're too young for all this. Your job is not to help him through his divorce.

Why did you move in at the start of lockdown? Far too soon.

Those kids will always be in his life, and they deserve better.

MzHz · 26/10/2020 07:37

This isn’t something you’ve done wrong, perhaps naively but not BAD if you know what I mean.

I certainly wouldn’t have been able to put up with being a step parent at 24, don’t know many who would be.

You have SO much more in life to look forward to.

Move out, end the relationship and move on

You’ve tried your best, but it’s not for you, and that is OK to say.

Good luck love, you’ll find the relationship that’s right for you, don’t worry, but it’s not this guy.

TheTeenageYears · 26/10/2020 07:51

Having a baby yourself at 24 is one thing, you would learn as you go and they would be yours and worth all the sacrifices which parenting requires. Taking in an 8 year old at 24 is really hard going. Children are really hard work when they are your own, never mind someone else's. You and DP are at very different stages in your lives and he needs to put his DC first which he can't really do while with you. This is a doomed relationship and better to walk away now before all 4 of you get really hurt. Don't waste the prime years of your life, you will never get them back.

Branleuse · 26/10/2020 07:56

I think you should leave. I dont think this can work. Its noones fault

TweeBree · 26/10/2020 08:03

I now dread every time they stay. I can’t stand seeing him hug them. He’s genuinely the best dad and so so devoted to them but I can’t get round sharing him and having to deal with his divorce.

You can't stay in this relationship. It's not right for you and the children should not be exposed to something who feels the above.

TweeBree · 26/10/2020 08:03

*someone, not something

EsmeeMerlin · 26/10/2020 08:25

You can’t feel differently, that’s the way you feel and it’s not fair on anyone, especially the children for you to stay in this relationship and try to force it to work. It all sounds like you have all rushed into this and this is the consequence. You are quite young as well to take on a ready made family and I say that as a younger mum.

monkeymonkey2010 · 27/10/2020 14:28

you sound like a teenager play-acting at being an 'adult'.
I don't think this relationship is the one for you.

HE chose to introduce you to his DC almost asap - like he doesn't want to do the 50% 'parenting' on his own.
So you've always been on the scene 'sharing' the load with him.....

Now he's used 'lockdown' to move you in so you can properly start playing at 'step-mum' and 'sharing' the 'parenting' - the housework....childcare.....

He isn't even divorced yet but has made sure he doesn't have to parent by himself or do anything that his ex previously did for him....

He isn't stupid - he knows what he's doing....

KatySun · 29/10/2020 06:19

Agreed monkeymonkey and not only that, the children’s mother is apparently ‘a witch’. Never mind that she is a witch he must have been with for several years and had two children to. I always think this narrative is to keep the new GF in line, so that she does not become ‘a witch’ too.

And yes, they are his children. He should be looking after them when they are over and if you want to go out, that is up to you.

Honestly, I don’t think this will end well, but I don’t think you should be feeling evil about not wanting to be a step mum at the age of 24. Just leave them to it. This guy is not all that great.

Angelina82 · 29/10/2020 06:35

You’re young and far too immature to be a stepmother. End the relationship, or at least move out for both yours and those little girls’ sake

ukgift2016 · 29/10/2020 06:40

I don't think any of us would judge a young woman for not wanting to take on the step mother role HOWEVER, you must take responsibility. This man has children and those kids are innocent and going nowhere.

You either accept them or separate from your partner. I ask, what do you expect your partner to do? You want him to disown his own kids? Admit it, you get a kick out of it if he did that wouldn't you.

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