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Step-parenting

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Original poster

24F, hating being stepparent, thanks lockdown

66 replies

Wemjef · 19/10/2020 23:48

Hi all.

I need help. I’m 24 and my boyfriend is 35.
He has 2 daughters ages 5 and 8.
I will keep it brief but it’s all a massive dark cloud over our relationship.

He is truly amazing. Genuinely a walking angel, can’t fault him at all and I love him dearly.
We only dated a few months before I met his girls, they are so wonderful. So sweet, and genuinely love me a lot.

But lockdown caused us to live together very early on and he has 50% custody so it was a lot to take on.
Locked in with someone else’s kids and stuck in a house is enough to make anyone struggle, even if they’re your own. Plus helping him through his divorce is the hardest emotional rollercoaster for me.

I started to resent them a lot because they’d be annoying/need his attention 24/7/impact our relationship.
The 5 year old will sometimes tell me about ‘mummy’ and what ‘daddy has bought her years ago’ and it’s painful to me. I know she can’t help it but he should stick up for me and he won’t.

I now dread every time they stay. I can’t stand seeing him hug them. He’s genuinely the best dad and so so devoted to them but I can’t get round sharing him and having to deal with his divorce.
His ex wife is a witch, she goes out all the time and tells us she can’t pay her rent/buy them clothes. We had abuse from her for months.

I want to stay with him and we are amazing but now all we do is argue about his kids and it’s horrible. I’m too young to go through this and I’m not ready, but how can I see it differently and enjoy it?
Please tell me I’m not alone.

I don’t want to feel jealous. I avoid being home when they’re here and it hurts him. I hate hearing him talk about them. I feel evil.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2020 23:58

Did you mean to post in lone parents or step parenting?

You need to end it immediately. Lockdown didn’t mean you had to move in together. You have no right being around very young children you feel this level of negativity towards. It’s toxic. He’s not a walking angel or a good father if he maintains a relationship with someone who so clearly hates his children. Leave. Now. Who moved in with who? Don’t date anyone else with children. It’s not easy, it’s not for everyone, it’s certainly not for you.

Hailtomyteeth · 20/10/2020 00:02

Get out of there. It's bad for you, and bad for the children. It might be good for him but it certainly isn't helping the rest of you.

Smallsteps88 · 20/10/2020 00:02

Stepparenting isn’t for you. You need to move back out into your own home and just date him. You rushed it all. Far too soon to be meeting children and living with them, particularly in such upsetting times for them with their parents divorcing and lockdown. It’s irresponsible of both of you to do that to them.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 20/10/2020 00:04

Have you posted this before? It sounds very familiar.

It sounds like you need to leave, you aren't ready for this relationship. But do it kindly. My ex left telling me "I cant stand your children". That was just cruel imo. Don't be cruel.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/10/2020 00:04

But lockdown caused us to live together very early on
Why?

Moonpiesmeemah · 20/10/2020 00:05

Yeah you should definitely leave, you're not suited for a man that has children and I say that as a mother to a child who's father is in a relationship with a woman just like you!

Anordinarymum · 20/10/2020 00:06

Agree with the other posters. You need to end this now as it will only get worse for both you and those little children

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/10/2020 00:09

Why are you helping with his divorce?

If you’re finding it hard do you imagine the children are finding it easier? They didn’t ask for any of this. They don’t deserve to spend half the week with someone who hates seeing their father hug them. Honestly, have a word with yourself and pack your bags (or his, whatever needs to happen given your set up).

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/10/2020 00:10

You met his kids too early and moved in too early. You want to be in that lovely honeymoon stage where everything revolves around you, and I genuinely don't blame you for that. But that's not how it works when your BF has kids.

The best thing you could possibly do for your own mental health and these children is to move out and go back to dating. You cannot sit there and tell me honestly you're happy that you're eaten up with jealousy over a 5 year old kid? Of course you're not. So you need to make a change - he can't.

saraclara · 20/10/2020 00:26

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

You met his kids too early and moved in too early. You want to be in that lovely honeymoon stage where everything revolves around you, and I genuinely don't blame you for that. But that's not how it works when your BF has kids.

The best thing you could possibly do for your own mental health and these children is to move out and go back to dating. You cannot sit there and tell me honestly you're happy that you're eaten up with jealousy over a 5 year old kid? Of course you're not. So you need to make a change - he can't.

Perfectly put.

I'm not going to judge you for how you feel, and you know yourself that it's not right. But you can't go on like this, either for your own mental health or for the children's well-being.

The children will be around for the rest of your lives if you stay together. So you're going to need to do something radical if you really want things to change.

You need to move out and begin your relationship again by dating and getting to know each other (you and him, and you and the children) slowly, and without living together. There's a chance that way that you can get to know the DCs and come to terms with the relationship that they have with their dad.

There's only a chance that will work, but the alternative is to split up altogether. Staying in this situation is untenable. His children will always come first if he's a decent dad. But all being under the same roof at this early stage is making it a lot harder for you to adapt to that. You will have to at some point though, if you want to stay with him.

bethany39 · 20/10/2020 00:28

You need to find a boyfriend who doesn't have kids.

You want to be the centre of his attention. You never will be - his kids are.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 20/10/2020 00:35

You weren't forced to live together at all, and you should never have moved in together during lockdown.
Yu sound far too immature to have step children. You want all his attention and you're not going to get it.
Of course the ex wife is obviously hateful botch thats out partying all the time, they always are right. Bet she doesn't buy her kids anything either 🙄.

Do yourself and the children a favour and leave.

seayork2020 · 20/10/2020 00:40

For his children's sake I would leave him so he can be with his kids,you will not 'win' as it is not a competition

HerRoyalNotness · 20/10/2020 00:52

How would a 5yo know what daddy bought their mum years ago?

You’re young, end it, you have your whole life ahead of you. Find someone without the history of this guy and make your own history with him.

Geppili · 20/10/2020 01:25

Don't feel evil! Just be sensible and leave him. You need your freedom and you are not at all suited to being with a man with children. It's just not fair on the kids or you. They will always come first with him, as they should.

katy1213 · 20/10/2020 01:37

You're not evil. You're young and you don't want to be a step-mother. (I'm old - and I would never, ever have wanted to be a step-mother!)
There was no need to rush things by moving in just because of lockdown. At the very least, take a step back so you have a home of your own to retreat to. But honestly - you're at different stages of your lives and it would be better to find a man unencumbered by baggage.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 20/10/2020 01:54

You answered your own question when you said that you’re too young to go through this and you’re not ready. This relationship with the added complications of a divorce and step-children isn’t the one for you. Be honest and tell him that everything’s moved too quickly and you’re not ready to be a step-Mum. Then move out.

D00MGL00M · 20/10/2020 02:02

Are you saying a five year old little girl is talking about memories from when she was three and you want the father to stick up for you? Shes five. She's done nothing wrong.

Are you jealous of his kids because they're a reminder he's had sex with and been in love with someone else before you? Because he gives them more attention than you? At the age they are they do require a lot of parental interaction so when they're with him, of course a lot of his time and attention is taken away from you and put into parenting his young children.

It sounds full on, the fact he brought a new girlfriend into the lives of his children after just a few months and then moved you in suggests he may not have had what's best for his children at the front of his mind but what's best for himself.

How recent was the split with the Mum? Has she been a "witch" because of how fast he's met, introduced and moved in a new girlfriend to their children's lives? Why are you involved in helping with the divorce? He isn't making you do all the looking after them is he? Have a look at the step parenting board and you'll see some men move a woman on quite soon and expect her to do all the childcare and looking after them.

These things shouldn't be rushed because as you've learnt, it's very difficult and by rushing things like he has, he's potentially put his children through another relationship breakdown.

Jericoo · 20/10/2020 02:13

Just leave then... You're so young, what's the point in saddling yourself with unnecessary baggage when you could easily be with someone without all that? It doesn't make you sound good to talk like that, and honestly you sound immature... A big indication you shouldn't be in this relationship.

trixiebelden77 · 20/10/2020 02:25

You’re not mature enough to be a step parent. It’s good to know this now.

Nobody is a walking angel. Pretty unlikely his wife’s a witch too.

As you mature people will not seem like caricatures any more, they will have depth and be capable of both good and bad things.

COS2102 · 20/10/2020 08:19

I met my ex-husband when I was 22 and his son was 2 years old. His ex was loathsome, absolutely awful and abusive. This had no impact on my relationship with his son. He still to this day (6 years on) will come home with stories that his mum has told him about when he was a baby and they would do things all together. Most of them are false, made up in her own head....that has no reflection on him though. Lockdown didnt force you both to live together, that was a choice you made. From my point of view, your age really has little to do with this and it is more a case of you are not going to work in this family. I'm sure I have seen a similar post to this recently so I cant work out if you're trolling for reactions or if last time you didnt like that people told you that your relationship wasnt going to work out if this is how you felt?

The responses you have received are unanimous, I'm afraid, if you feel this way then that is for you to change. This is all to do with you and your feelings and nothing else. Either you change for the family or you leave for yourself. I honestly believe you are best moving on from this.

TicTacTwo · 20/10/2020 09:39

I think previous posters have nailed it. You've raced through the stages so fast that I'm not surprised that you feel overwhelmed.

It's ok not to want to be a stepparent at 24. If you were my dd I'd be encouraging you to leave and find a man without kids and an ex-wife.

You've got 10+ years of the kids visiting and being annoying to you - I would get out now while you don't have complications like your own child with him holding you back from acting.

TicTacTwo · 20/10/2020 09:41

The 5 year old will sometimes tell me about ‘mummy’ and what ‘daddy has bought her years ago’ and it’s painful to me. I know she can’t help it but he should stick up for me and he won’t.

This is really weird. Why would he stick up for you in this situation? Why would you find it painful that he purchased something for her years before you met? I think it would be more worrying if they never mentioned mum and the fact that they do suggest that they are comfortable with you

saraclara · 20/10/2020 10:06

Of course a five year old will talk about their other parent. Are you seriously asking your partner to shut down his daughter if she so much as mentions her mum? Because that's insane and would be really cruel. No wonder he's getting angry with you.

The fact that you don't understand that proves that you are way too young and immature for this relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2020 10:13

This relationship is already over, you just haven't admitted it yet. Get out of there and find a partner who doesn't have children.

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