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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

To not cancel what I'm doing?

39 replies

LittlePlease · 10/10/2020 10:41

My step children stay 3 times a week, usually one night in the week and then over the weekend (although changes week by week).

This week there has been an exciting change at mums meaning we missed a night in the week as they wanted to stay there which is fine.

They are coming this evening and staying tonight and tomorrow night.

I go every Sunday to see my mum. DH wants me to cancel tomorrow because we've not seen the children all week and 'do I not want to spend any time with them'.

AIBU to say no? I wouldn't mind if we were actually planning to do anything but more often than not on a Sunday it will be a lazy day, we will stay in and watch TV and they will usually play with friends on their consoles / talk to them over headsets etc... So we don't actually 'spend time together' for the majority of the day, they usually have their headsets on sat in the other room.

I really don't think they care whether or not I'm there to be honest!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

wishing3 · 10/10/2020 10:43

Seems reasonable to me!

Lweji · 10/10/2020 10:45

Ask him if he doesn't want you to spend time with your mum.
What if you asked him to go to her instead of spending time with his children?

Original poster

LittlePlease · 10/10/2020 10:48

I just don't see what the problem is, they will be with us tonight and I'll only be out for half the day maybe tomorrow so I will see them, just won't be sat in the same house all day tomorrow is all!

I have to point out he never has a problem with me seeing my mum so I don't think it's that be doesn't want me to spend time with her, I go every week and he never says anything.

OP posts:

NC866 · 10/10/2020 10:49

No I wouldn’t cancel, surely it’s a good opportunity for him to have time with them on his own and for them to get his full attention? You shouldn’t be obliged to spend every second with them when they’re over and he should be fine to have some time alone with them?

RedMarauder · 10/10/2020 10:49

They are not your children so while they are happy to see you, they come over to spend time with him.

If he's unable to parent his children alone when you go off to visit your mother (or any other person) then inform him that you will need to re-evaluate whether this relationship is right for you.

(Rude version - he's being a dick. If he can't look after his own children on his bloody own then he needs to be dumped.)

BendingSpoons · 10/10/2020 10:50

Suggest he has some quality time with his children without you. If you have to do everything as a family, then you presumably need to go as a family to your mum's.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 10/10/2020 10:53

Who usually cooks dinner?

doodleygirl · 10/10/2020 10:53

Does he never spend time with his children. Without you being there? You being there should not make any difference at all. I used to make myself scarce so my DH and his kids had time on their own.

Go and see your mum.

Original poster

LittlePlease · 10/10/2020 10:55

@doodleygirl

Does he never spend time with his children. Without you being there? You being there should not make any difference at all. I used to make myself scarce so my DH and his kids had time on their own.

Go and see your mum.

Yes to be fair he does most weekends because as I say I go to my mum's every weekend on either Saturday or Sunday (and it's very rare that we don't have the children over the weekend).

It's just this week because we've not seen them all week and won't see them until later on this evening he thinks I should want to spend all day with them tomorrow instead of seeing my mum.

I just don't really see why it matters if all they will be doing is playing games and speaking to mates!

We usually split dinner so one night I'll do it, he washes up and vice versa.

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtains · 10/10/2020 10:57

Are you the cook and cleaner, perchance?

picosandsancerre · 10/10/2020 10:58

Not sure why he has asked you not to see your mum. Seems odd to me.
So I agree with you, go and see your mum

Porridgeoat · 10/10/2020 10:59

Just say you’ve been looking forward to seeing mum all week and you’ll just carry on as originally planned so that you have time with both mum and the kids.

JamieLeeCurtains · 10/10/2020 10:59

X-post.

Well then, why do you think he's being so silly about this?

Original poster

LittlePlease · 10/10/2020 10:59

@JamieLeeCurtains

Are you the cook and cleaner, perchance?

Ha no he's not actually that bad to be fair. I'd say we are pretty equal in that sense.

I get the impression it's more because he doesn't understand why whilst he might have missed seeing them all week, I might not feel exactly the same.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they are staying but no I don't feel any burning desire to spend my Sunday just sat in the same room watching them game.

OP posts:

Lweji · 10/10/2020 11:01

The conversation should be that you haven't seen your mum all week either.
You'll see them tonight and tomorrow morning.
It's not as if you won't see them at all, and your mum probably needs the company a lot more.

Those are your arguments.

friendlycat · 10/10/2020 11:26

Seems silly. There is time to do both. He gets to spend some Dad time on his own with them whilst you are out seeing your Mum. I would be quite put out by the fact he wanted me to ditch my Mum frankly especially since there is no need and everyone gets to spend time with each other.

dontdisturbmenow · 10/10/2020 11:31

I get the impression it's more because he doesn't understand why whilst he might have missed seeing them all week, I might not feel exactly the same
Then it's the time to explain it to him. He needs to respect that you can like children, enjoy their presence, care for them, but not miss them especially after not seeing them for one week. That's the privilege of being a parent!

excelledyourself · 10/10/2020 11:43

He's being ridiculous.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 10/10/2020 12:11

YANBU.

Go and have a nice time with your mum.
He can parent his own children for a couple of hours.

Neolara · 10/10/2020 12:19

To me it seems completely fine for you to visit your mum. Surely it's normal for kids to fit around other commitments?

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2020 14:45

DH wants me to cancel tomorrow because we've not seen the children all week and 'do I not want to spend any time with them'

Ugh. Every time I see that a DP has said those words I honestly just think LTB. Anyone who says this to someone about THEIR kids is either highly manipulative and entitled, or an absolute idiot. He should be perfectly capable of understanding why you wouldn't be as bothered as him about seeing them, and why you might be more bothered about seeing your own mother. As well ad that, he should not be attempting to guilt trip you for not feeling that way about his kids. It's not your job to miss them and cherish every moment with them , it's his.

sassbott · 10/10/2020 14:54

What sofa says. I despair when I read an OP like this. Always the insinuation that their children should come first. Completely selfish behaviour. His kids won’t care less whether you are there or not, this is what he wants. Not them.

Can’t stand partners like this. And they wonder why so many step mothers/ partners struggle. Has he not considered that perhaps you cancelling on your mother would be upsetting for your own mum? Selfish behaviour.

Magda72 · 10/10/2020 15:24

I third what @aSofaNearYou & @sassbott say.
Honestly - he shouldn't even be thinking that unless a specific day out/occasion had been planned!
How on earth can he think watching his kids game would be be preferable to hanging out with your own dm?
I don't have enough eye rolls for this.

MeridianB · 10/10/2020 18:35

I, er, 4th the above.

He is being a knob. Either he wants help or company or both but that is not a good enough reason to be a knob.

And the PP who said contact time is for him is spot on. It’s really important NRPs spend time alone with their children.

Go to your mum’s without another thought.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2020 21:26

I 5th it. Consensus on this board?! It’s a rare aha beautiful thing.

Stick to your plans. His DC get his undivided attention. Still not sure what he’s complaining about it but don’t give it another thought.

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