What to do when money is being spent on SCs?

[SpongebobNoPants]

DP and I have serious concerns that the money we provide for my stepchildren isn’t being spent on them and their DM is using it to fund her social life.
Before anyone jumps down my throat I was a single parent for 10 years and I’m fully aware of the struggles this can bring financially however we seem to be giving more and more money to DP’s Ex and the SCs seem no better off for it which is causing concern. Whilst their DMs social life is flourishing.
Just to add when I say she is out a lot I mean every single weekend and she doesn’t work (through choice) so it’s becoming obvious she is funding her lifestyle through benefits (no judgement here as I’ve been there myself!) and it appears extras from DP which is where my grievance lies.

DP pays maintenance in accordance with the calculated CMS amount (£440 pcm), and on top of that we give money for any extras that may be needed.

We pay for their phone bills, bus passes for school, school dinners, all haircuts, pocket money, extra clothes they may need / want, glasses, give them lifts everywhere they need to go - just so you get the picture. The kids are not hard done by and we are very generous with his Ex and never quibble if extra is asked for.

However, recently it seems the extra money that is requested and subsequently paid to his ex is not being spent on what it was intended for.
In the last 2 months we’ve forked out £230 for bus passes and £250 for the youngest SC’s school uniform (starting secondary school).

But the bus passes haven’t been ordered which means the SCs aren’t now guaranteed a place on their school bus. Every morning they have to queue up at the stop and the kids with bus passes take priority meaning some days they’ve had to walk home, rouse their mum and then get her to take them to school which makes them late.

Also the youngest SD has no told us she has only 1 school jumper and 1 school skirt - both non-brand, non-logo items which can easily be picked up from a supermarket or online shop. Mum has bought the cheapest shoes and bag for school from primark also. Blazer was £26, pe kit was a bundle deal for £22 also.
Eldest SD only needed new school shirts (3 pack for £12) and has some shoes from new look which were £20.
So we’re left wondering where the rest of the money has gone? It certainly hasn’t been spent on the kids uniforms?

Also the youngest’s phone broke so DP was asked to pay half towards a replacement, around £100 which he happily did. Then his DD let slip that it actually only cost £80 so her DM paid nothing towards it and pocketed the extra herself.

So in total in the last 8 weeks DP’s Ex has had in cash more than £680 for things for the kids and only around £230 seems to be have been spent on them.

Eldest needed some new trainers for PE, DP handed over £60 last week and she’s still wearing the old ones.

DP’s Ex is now asking for more money towards the eldest’s school coat.

Their DM doesn’t seem to be struggling for money either. They live in a nice home and she has a good social life - she’s always out for dinner and in bars with her friends.

How does DP broach this with her? I think the best way forward would to only give his ex the CMS amount each month but then he personally sorts out or buys whatever they need himself because it doesn’t seem to be materialising from their DM.

This will no doubt cause a massive shit storm but I think it’s probably the only way forward.

He should know as the kids are now in secondary school that they need new school shoes, a new coat and other uniform bits every September so the fact that he only sees them eow shouldn't come into it
Of course he does but this problem has only reared its head in the last 12 months. Also the uniform is only one example, other items the kids need crop up throughout the year. For example requiring new shoes. If their feet suddenly grow we can’t plan for that based on specific times of the year.

DP also takes on the mental load for all haircuts, doctors, dentists, opticians appointments, activities etc so I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to have expected their DM to take on the mental load of organising some uniform for them seeing as the agreement was we’d buy the youngest SD’s uniform and she’d buy the eldest SD’s uniform.

OP - If the kids are secondary age could they go shopping for clothing shoes etc themselves? If so, could your OH open a bank account for each of them with a card and then if they need an item urgently he could transfer the money direct to them? My ex does that with my kids - not because I'd spend the money but because my teenagers wouldn't be seen dead going to a local shopping centre with their mum - how embarrassing and uncool for them! Would also help teach the kids some valuable lessons about money management and the cost of things.
Agree though that the money shouldn't be going direct to the ex. Plus your DP should be keeping a track of it all so he can say to her 'I've given you X amount over last 3 months for XYZ - why are you asking for more?' (DP had similar with his ex - she kept asking for money for essentials and DP used to just hand it over. Until she asked for money for the same thing twice in one week)

If the kids are secondary age could they go shopping for clothing shoes etc themselves?
The youngest can barely remember to put clean pants on so I doubt she’d be responsible enough to organise her own wardrobe 😂
DP will buy them what they need (within reason) or if Ex is buying it then we’ll ask for a receipt and then go halves

@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer

Stop providing extra money and give the basic minimum. Buy the extras yourselves then you know it's for the DCs.

This is the solution. And thanks to the first poster who wrote it and saved us all the trouble.

@Annasgirl- you didn't have to read and comment if you didn't want to. Also as far as i was aware this is a discussion forum.

Unless someone is a high earner official CMS amounts do not reflect the actual cost of raising a child and everyone knows that. So just get the extras yourself and stay out of the rest. Its none of your business what she does with the CMS money.

Just another vote to buy the extras yourselves, do not keep handing this woman cash.

Am a bit at the posters saying the OP shouldn’t be getting involved.

Given they live together and their money is family money and they presumably manage the family finances together even though that does mean the DP has to give money to his ex, it stands to reason that an extra £250 would at the very least be discussed between them, even if it’s to say “ex needs £250 for the kids’ uniforms.”

If the OP was going to the ex directly and saying “you won’t be getting any. More money from us,” then the criticisms would be valid, but she isn’t. She’s asked here for advice re how her DP, and therefore by definition they as a family, can manage this situation.

My eXH also had the log-in details for the school’s payment system etc, and if he was buying stuff for DS he would take him to by it. I’m pretty sure he knows that I wouldn’t have spent money on other things anyway and that if I’d asked would have given it to me, but all this to’ing and fro’ing of money just seems a bit pointless when it’s for specific purposes anyway.

DS is now almost eighteen, and if his dad e.g. agrees to go halves on something e.g. DS wanted a new laptop last year, he will transfer the money to DS’ account as will I and DS will order it.

Haven't read all the posts but I know someone like this, and she would have no problem with any that you've said. As dp has shown he can be trusted I would suggest she buys the items and sends receipts. You will never ever claw back money for her half if you buy stuff directly, so she'll have even more disposal income! Some people's morals with money are shocking

Whoops - cancel the cheque! Serves me right for not RTFT

So just get the extras yourself and stay out of the rest. Its none of your business what she does with the CMS money
Genuinely curious if this is the case in the UK as I've read this a few times on here?
I personally just find this attitude odd as in Ireland maintenance is awarded for the children & if my exh wanted receipts to explain how I spend the maintenance I would have to provide them.
There's a very clear division between child & spousal maintenance where I am & spousal maintenance is rarely awarded. Generally speaking an able bodied rp is expected to get a job & support his/herself & contribute to the kids, & child maintenance is to be spent on the children only and not on the rp's lifestyle.
No criticism here - am just curious as I said.

Unless someone is a high earner official CMS amounts do not reflect the actual cost of raising a child and everyone knows that. So just get the extras yourself and stay out of the rest. Its none of your business what she does with the CMS money
@Willyoujustbequiet have you read the posts? We’re not talking about CMS, I do not care how she uses the money for that or decides what to spend on what bills,
Our issue is when she asks for extra for specific things over and above the maintenance payments and then doesn’t actually purchase the items the money was given for.
Also CMS doesn’t always reflect the amount it costs to raise a child, but considering DP pays £440 per month and for 90% of extras, and she is their parent also so should be contributing equally to their costs I cannot see how she is spending £880 a month solely on the SCs.

@Magda72 - the general consensus in UK is that the receiving parent can spend her pot of money ie, wages / benefits / child benefit / child maintenance on whatever they want. They do not have to provide receipts to show that the child maintenance given by the father has to be spent on the children. The receiving parent has one pot of money to pay rent / mortgage, bills, expenses etc.

@Willyoujustbequiet I suggest you follow the advice given I your username if you're not going to RTFT.

YANBU OP. Do what PP's have suggested. If she finds herself struggling she's welcome to get off her arse and get a job, like all working parents have to.

Well the latest text today... she’s bought SD a Halloween costume for £7 and said DP needs to pay half and asked him to transfer £3.50
DP sent her a text back asking if she was being serious and pointed out that he’s bought every Halloween costume since they split and said he’s not sending £3.50 and told her to get a grip

Good for him! Silly cow.

Good man!

What was her reaction to him saying no?

She wasn’t happy and said “fine I’ll tell her she can’t have it then” to which he replied “that’s fine, as long as she knows it’s because you’re too tight to spend £7 on a costume when I buy literally everything else for her”.
She then called him petty and he said petty is asking your ex to transfer £3.50.

They haven’t spoken since, although they haven’t had a need to yet. I’m enjoying the peace

but she said she bought it already now she seems to be saying the opposite

I can only assume she’s threatening to take it back by saying she can’t have it now

We had these hassles too. Taking a tough line will result in a fair bit of squealing and threats as she sees the gravy train disappearing but needs to be done.

Oh wow she is a CF for sure

You'll have to do what my Dad and my Grandparents did with my arsehole mother. Pay CM as usual. Take DC out or order online whatever else they need.

DM used to plead poverty to me, tell me my Dad didn't give her any money (just part of the emotional abuse I experienced), yet I used to witness him handing over wads of cash every fucking week, which she would then spend on going out on the piss all weekend whilst I was at his house.

Took my Dad about 2 years to click what was happening as he only saw me at weekends and I had everything I needed there. This was late 80s.

There was a blazing row involving numerous family members on both sides and the result was my Grandmother would take me out shopping for whatever I needed.

My DCs GPs give me cash towards things that DCs need and they get shown receipts and given any money left over back (which they don't like me doing but I insist on it because I want them to know where it goes). There's a couple of things they pay for directly as its just easier (school trips for example, ExFIL has always insisted on paying for those).

Your DSCs mothers refusal to spend the money on what it is allocated for is causing numerous issues for your DSC and is not fair on them at all.

@SpongebobNoPants

I am so so late the this party clearly!

I'll be honest I haven't read everything but just clips here and there mostly of what you've written to get a bit of an idea of how much of an idiot your DP is.

My DP has 2 kids, was paying for CMS at a much higher rate than he should have and was giving her money left right and centre when she asked for it. When we put our finances together it stopped, the main reason because the kids were living out of a bag when they came to ours which mentally for them was shite.
He now pays CMS at the correct rate (yes it's not about the CMS! Well actually it is when it's 50/50!) and we pay for everything here, if his ex wants to buy them anything or take them anywhere she pays and when we do the same we pay.
It was either that or she started showing proof of purchase to everything she claimed which funnily enough she couldn't do!

Give your DP a slap into his senses, he's enabling his ex. The last post I just read about Halloween is a perfectly good example, the more he literally feeds her cash the more entitled she will feel to it. It's not hers, it's the kids and she will never understand that until he takes some control.