What to do when money is being spent on SCs?

[SpongebobNoPants]

DP and I have serious concerns that the money we provide for my stepchildren isn’t being spent on them and their DM is using it to fund her social life.
Before anyone jumps down my throat I was a single parent for 10 years and I’m fully aware of the struggles this can bring financially however we seem to be giving more and more money to DP’s Ex and the SCs seem no better off for it which is causing concern. Whilst their DMs social life is flourishing.
Just to add when I say she is out a lot I mean every single weekend and she doesn’t work (through choice) so it’s becoming obvious she is funding her lifestyle through benefits (no judgement here as I’ve been there myself!) and it appears extras from DP which is where my grievance lies.

DP pays maintenance in accordance with the calculated CMS amount (£440 pcm), and on top of that we give money for any extras that may be needed.

We pay for their phone bills, bus passes for school, school dinners, all haircuts, pocket money, extra clothes they may need / want, glasses, give them lifts everywhere they need to go - just so you get the picture. The kids are not hard done by and we are very generous with his Ex and never quibble if extra is asked for.

However, recently it seems the extra money that is requested and subsequently paid to his ex is not being spent on what it was intended for.
In the last 2 months we’ve forked out £230 for bus passes and £250 for the youngest SC’s school uniform (starting secondary school).

But the bus passes haven’t been ordered which means the SCs aren’t now guaranteed a place on their school bus. Every morning they have to queue up at the stop and the kids with bus passes take priority meaning some days they’ve had to walk home, rouse their mum and then get her to take them to school which makes them late.

Also the youngest SD has no told us she has only 1 school jumper and 1 school skirt - both non-brand, non-logo items which can easily be picked up from a supermarket or online shop. Mum has bought the cheapest shoes and bag for school from primark also. Blazer was £26, pe kit was a bundle deal for £22 also.
Eldest SD only needed new school shirts (3 pack for £12) and has some shoes from new look which were £20.
So we’re left wondering where the rest of the money has gone? It certainly hasn’t been spent on the kids uniforms?

Also the youngest’s phone broke so DP was asked to pay half towards a replacement, around £100 which he happily did. Then his DD let slip that it actually only cost £80 so her DM paid nothing towards it and pocketed the extra herself.

So in total in the last 8 weeks DP’s Ex has had in cash more than £680 for things for the kids and only around £230 seems to be have been spent on them.

Eldest needed some new trainers for PE, DP handed over £60 last week and she’s still wearing the old ones.

DP’s Ex is now asking for more money towards the eldest’s school coat.

Their DM doesn’t seem to be struggling for money either. They live in a nice home and she has a good social life - she’s always out for dinner and in bars with her friends.

How does DP broach this with her? I think the best way forward would to only give his ex the CMS amount each month but then he personally sorts out or buys whatever they need himself because it doesn’t seem to be materialising from their DM.

This will no doubt cause a massive shit storm but I think it’s probably the only way forward.

Why are you providing any money to her? They are your DP's children.

There are a few things here. By just handing over x amount your DP is effectively saying that he won't take on a fair share of the mental load for the DC and expects his ex to keep doing the 'wife work' to organise everything which is really unfair and clearly is leaving him financially exploited to. He should pay the minimum CM and then buy a fair portion of what the DC need so that you know they aren't going without. He needs to be mindful that he is being manipulated into overpaying so rather than worrying about the ex's social life this what he should focus on. DSS used to come for visit with no clothing, ill fitting clothing or basics like a winter coat which he would then say he didn't have at all so we would end up buying it or school shoes because he would say he was in isolation for the wrong uniform. I struggled not to be resentful because his mum hadn't said anything, seemed OK with not providing basics because she couldn't afford it but then expected us to always have £100s to hand for various things and because her 'go to' seemed to be to try to get more money for DH regardless of the issue - if there was an issue with her bills she would ask DH for extra before she would even call the company to query a bill! I'd say that DSS would find out for himself but he hasn't. Last week he told me his mother had always been fantastic and never done a thing wrong yet spent hours slagging off DH for perceived slights.

The maintenance is the maintenance, and that is hopefully being used to feed, house, transport them.

The bus pass/uniform/trainers/school books/trips/phone he absolutely should be paying for (ideally shared with her, but..), but do it directly. Take DC to the shops, pay the bus company directly, no need for her to get involved. TBH it's quite lazy of your DP to abdicate all responsibility for these things and expect their mum to do them.No need to give her any more cash at all.

We are lucky in that dsd’s mum is a fantastic DM so haven’t needed to worry at all about where the extra is going.

In your case I think you should pay the CSA amount and then spend the extra on bus passes/things for your dsc yourselves. Anytime she mentions something like that tell her you will pay it directly to the company/shop.

Is there a reason he doesn't say, "No problem, we'll go to Sports Direct/H&M/wherever this weekend" when she asks for money for shoes/coats etc? They seem to be in a weird pattern with her always just asking him to contribute all the time.

We had this.

Stop giving her the money. If she's asked for bus passes, buy the bus passes directly and give to the dc, school uniforms, buy the uniforms, school trips and dinners, pay school directly. You get the picture.

The only money you hand over is exactly in line with cms

Don't give the extra money. Pay for the extra stuff directly. Your DP needs to do something about this. Perhaps she is in debt, lost her job.

Don't give her the money , when asked for stuff buy it yourself ... don't be a mug!

I also think that if he's specifically paid for a bus pass (if it's anything like my dd's it around £450), and she's not bought it. Deduct it from next months payment and tell her you'll buy it direct for his dc

She will have a big wake up call when the children are older and the cash stops coming to her
Eldest SC is nearly 16 and will not be going onto further education past 6th form/ college. DP has made it crystal clear that any funds going to DM for her will be stopped, SD will be expected to get a job and support herself but if she needs financial help beyond this he will be giving it directly to SD.

Do you feel like she might have a drink or drug problem OP? I couldn’t work out if you were inferring this or not
No I wasn’t interring that, if we thought she had a drink or drug problem we wouldn’t let my SCs live there. She’s just a very selfish woman who seems to rather spend money on herself than what her children need.

@LilyLongJohn I wish we could do that but there was a deadline to apply for them for this term which DM missed. In January we will apply for them directly.

Why are you providing any money to her? They are your DP's children
We have joint finances, so anything over and above CMS comes out of our joint account. Like I said, I have no problem with them having anything extra they need... we’d just like to know that the money we give is actually being spent on them.

Also I’d like to address a few remarks from PPs who have suggested my DP is lazy or abdicating responsibility... As stated in my OP all haircuts, opticians appointments, lifts to friends houses, phone bills etc are organised and paid for by our household.
The reason we would hand over money for things was because firstly we were busy working and DM would suggest she had the free time to get some items, plus we do literally everything else regarding activities etc so it didn’t seem unreasonable for their DM to organise some extra items of clothing.
Plus the agreement is was that uniform and clothing costs were to be split equally between parents and DP knows she would never hand any cash over to him for her contributions towards the items.

Is there a reason he doesn't say, "No problem, we'll go to Sports Direct/H&M/wherever this weekend" when she asks for money for shoes/coats etc?
Because she would often ask on a random weekday when we are at work e.g. “SDs trainers are too small and she needs new ones beside Games lesson tomorrow so send over £XYZ before this afternoon”
So DP would do it then later on find out that SD wasn’t bought them but the money is nowhere to be seen.

Just pay basic CMS and when they need new clothes don’t go halves, take them shopping on your ‘turn’ and just buy the stuff. The ex can buy next time. School trips might be harder but maybe say you’ll pay the balance once the ex has paid her half?

You've been living together mere months. I think merging finances and all this "we" talk is a little premature. Maybe you should take a step back and let DP organise himself and his DC.

You've been living together mere months
We’ve been together for 6 years and bought a house together which is when we decided to combine finances I’d hardly call that premature @excelledyourself

But here you are getting caught up in trying to manage his issues with her, when really there is no reason for them to affect you.

All I mean is, I would leave him to it. Pay bills between you and let him deal with her and his finances. Don't put all your money in one pot and it won't affect you? And don't get caught up in all the "organisation" of his DC's needs.

He must have managed before?

She’s certainly treating you both like mugs isn’t she. She ambushes you with midweek requests knowing you won’t quibble with her and she gets cash straight into her bank account. That’s pretty short of her!

*smart

But here you are getting caught up in trying to manage his issues with her, when really there is no reason for them to affect you
Why are you implying I’m running the show? He’s my partner and he asked my advice as we both have done with each other throughout our relationship. I’ve never been in this situation either so I came on here for helpful advice from others who have experienced this.
How we organise our personal finances is between us, that isn’t the concern. The concern is trying to help fund things for my SDs who then don’t see the benefit from the money handed over.
Of course he managed before I also managed perfectly well as a single parent before I met DP, but being part of a partnership means discussing these things doesn’t it?!

If the mother is in benefits the kids will get free school meals.

As well as a PP advice to buy clothes, remove the tags - just cut them out - and put in name tags, with any shoes you buy for the kids get a permanent marker and write their initials in them so the shop can't refund them.