Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Bitter Ex - CMA

26 replies

hosy · 03/10/2020 14:50

A little bit of back story, been with husband 5 years SS is now 10 and we always had him every other weekend and a little longer in holidays, maybe 3 or 4 nights as we were never allowed more. We had to pay maintenance plus £25 every time we fetched him (her rules) basically she was charging us to see him.
SS lives 80miles away with his mum so we wanted to see him EOW at least and when we stopped paying the £25 she changed it to us having to fetch him Friday at 6 (after work) so wouldn't get home till after 8 with traffic and him be home mid afternoon Saturday which we weren't happy about as it meant we couldn't do anything as a family or have days out. My children live with us and see their dad on the opposite weekend so it was our weekend with them.
She stopped visits all together and said SS didn't want to come anymore. We kept with the regular contact via text, rare replies and didn't force him to come and let him decide. Since then he's been 3 times, he hasn't answered his phone for the last 18months and has text back once saying "I want a new phone"
Anyway... we received a letter early January from CMA saying we weren't paying any child maintenance (we always have) and they wanted to check our finances. It turns out we had been paying too much and were advised to drop the payments to what they suggest. We did this but kept the extra we were paying to one side in an account for SS.
Still had no contact, no replies to messages etc and last week we got a letter again from CMA saying the liability has ended and we owe her £2350? DH phoned them and asked why and they said she has phoned them and said DH hasn't been paying and she wants the full amount now 😂 we have all bank statements to prove it's paid every month so what is she thinking??

We have confronted her via text and she gave us a load of abuse on how SS hates us both and she will always have him and we won't blah blah she's told us they have moved, that DH is a shit dad and his son knows he pays nothing and doesn't want to see him and he loves his mum and only wants to stay with her and now we've been blocked from all numbers. Tried ringing off my friends phone and the numbers no longer exist.
What do we do? We know nothing about SS, where they are, who they're friends with. We've never even known his school.

Do we leave it and hope when he's older he will realise or do we chase after him and put him in a position and like he's being forced to have a relationship with us??

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 03/10/2020 14:53

Why has dad never gone to court?

Original poster
hosy · 03/10/2020 14:57

@FelicityPike when SS was 8 in my naivety I convinced DH to let SS make the decision and not force him to come if he didn't want to so we didn't go down the court route for fear of pushing him further away and him resenting us.
Little did I know it was his mother poisoning him, crying when he wanted to come saying she would miss him too much and begging him not to leave her (which we found out on the last visit in October last year)
Now he is 10 he is old enough to make the choice and he has said he doesn't want to see us so we don't want to drag him through court and are looking for a way to maybe gently encourage him back in our lives.
They have definitely moved as their house is up for rent but no one knows where they have gone.

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 03/10/2020 15:02

That’s really sad.
I have nothing to suggest apart from that your DH keeps paying maintenance and to remind you that SS won’t always be a little boy.
Sorry.

Original poster
hosy · 03/10/2020 15:04

@FelicityPike thank you ❤️
It's a hard one isn't it

OP posts:
Carrottop73 · 03/10/2020 15:08

He is only 10, your husband should hire the best lawyer and take this to court.

What other options do you have? Wait until he is 18 and finds your husband himself to ask where he had been?!

SilverOtter · 03/10/2020 15:13

I really think you need to take this to court. Your stepson is still too young to really understand what's best or the long term implications, plus he's been horribly poisoned against his dad by his motherSad.

Mintjulia · 03/10/2020 15:14

He's only 10. His dad should go to court and get an access order.

I'm surprised he hasn't already.

combatbarbie · 03/10/2020 15:14

Hmmm tricky.... This is clearly parent alienation which the courts take a dim view on and now he's of age where he will be listened too.

If it were me I would go to court regardless. You can self represent. If anything it will prove to SS that you did care enough to fight for him. He may well be brainwashed just now but he will start thinking for himself soon enough.

EmbarrassedUser · 03/10/2020 15:23

£25 every time you see him?!! Is he pay per view or something 😂😱 That’s one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever read on here. What would happen if your DH point blank refused to hand over the cash?

Original poster
hosy · 03/10/2020 15:27

Maybe we should go to court, you're right. It can't make the situation any worse.

@EmbarrassedUser if we didn't pay we weren't allowed to take him and after doing that once after a 2 hour drive we couldn't be arsed with the hassle

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 03/10/2020 16:52

I can't get past the fact your DH doesn't even know which school his kid goes to.

He's led only by what his ex allows, her "rules" and what you "convince" him to do, all with regards to HIS son?

Why?

Tiredoftattler · 03/10/2020 17:49

Why would your husband have thought it wise to let an 8 year old decide whether he wants to spend time with his dad? Who ,for any reason, allows an 8 year old to make that kind of decision.

Your husband by his inaction and poor decision making has been a major part of any alienation that his son might experience. How will he ever explain to his son that he willingly stopped see his son because of a decision that his son made as an 8 year old?

Going to court seems to be the only appropriate next step. Did your husband choose to move 80 miles away from his son? Was there no family member that he could as about his son's schooling?

Your husband has elected at every step to choose the to path that required the least amount of exertion on his part.

cantarina · 03/10/2020 18:07

If your husband wants a relationship with his child then he needs a court order. Then he can insist on access. A 10 year old will start to get wise to attempted parental alienation. However if your husband lets this drift he will absolutely be the dad who didn't make an effort.

MeridianB · 03/10/2020 18:19

The ex charged him £25 every time he collected his son? He needs to detail this and every other crazy demand, plus all the parental alienation tactics and head straight to court.

The alternative is not seeing his son.

Tiredoftattler · 03/10/2020 19:36

To: Meridian
No amount of documentation will likely offset the dad's statement that he chose to let an 8 year old decide that he no longer wish to come to the dad's home and that he waited more than 2 years to attempt to remedy this situation.

This is an all around sad situation particularly if the son is aware that his father was effectively living full time in a home with another man's children while not taking any legal actions to gain access to his own minor son for more than 2 years.
Of course the father should have been chasing both his minor son and all legal remedies to gain access to his son.

Our 7 and 9 year old sons are allowed to make minor and relatively insignificant decisions as we want them to grow up knowing how to make decisions. In no way would we have permitted an 8 year old to make such an impactful and significant decision. That was tantamount to saying that I won't bother myself with taking steps appropriate to being a parent.

WoodenFox · 03/10/2020 20:25

This was a few years ago now but when my DH's ex disappeared with his 2 kids he reported them as missing persons to the police. Police found the ex and very strongly advised her to notify my DH of the kids address. It was before we were together so I don't know all the details but she did in fact let him know the address after the police spoke to her.

SandyY2K · 05/10/2020 00:28

I can't understand why he didn't challenge the £25 every time via the courts and get visitation sorted out properly.

I agree with a pp that your DH has done the minimal amount...aka nothing to maintain a relationship with his DS.

He's not fighting for him and showing bank statements to him in 8 years time will really not cut the mustard.

The damage will have been done by then and it's not going to be a case of picking up where he left off 10 years ago.

By that time his son may not even be interested in seeing his dad.

Wezza100 · 14/06/2021 12:12

So my son lived with his dad he's 17 and has left home (thrown out) he is living with his sister my problem is CMS have rejected my claim that he is no longer living there stating that they have called my Ex and he's told them that he just stopping with a mate this was over the phone no investigation
I've offered to pay my step daughter (who also doesn't get on with her dad) but can't afford to until CMS stops his claim
I've lost my house because of the amount they were stopping from my wages £277 per month
I've requested a mandatory reconsideration
But unsure how long this take
We live in different countys which is why hes with his sister and not myself due to a part time job he has
I've reported it to child benefit also
But his sister has her own kids to feed and I don't have any spare money to give her
Has anyone experienced anything like this with the CMS I keep calling them but they don't want to help I've spoke to the CAB who have said I have to keep at them
I'm at breaking point and don't know where to go from here

Fireflygal · 14/06/2021 12:18

@Wezza100, perhaps start a fresh post for this.

I imagine your son could speak to CMS directly and notify them he is no longer with his dad...however how long has he moved out?

Wezza100 · 14/06/2021 12:30

He moved out around 6 weeks ago
They have said that he cannot call them as he is a minor and I could be influencing him in to what to say
His sister is going to call them and report that he is living with her to see if that helps

InnaBun · 14/06/2021 21:56

@Wezza100 you might get more help if you start a new thread. But getting older sister to call sounds like a start.

Editedby · 15/06/2021 13:55

A friends partner was in this position. He went to court. His son is 14 and has said he doesn’t want to see his dad right now as that will upset his mum. Court have confirmed dad is allowed to write etc and no barrier to him seeing his son if his son wants to. Both court and ex’s solicitors have warned her that she mustn’t interfere with any contact process. She also alleged no maintenance paid despite bank statements to the contrary. He has to sit tight till the boy is older I guess but it’s killing him.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 15/06/2021 20:09

Definitely get his sister to make application to CMS, get her to make application for Child benefit too. Can he change his address for doctors/ dentist to his sisters? Just out of interest you say he has a part time job? Have you asked CMS if your case should still be open? What's his circumstances? Is he in education. ?
Also you can appeal CMS decision.

OddshoesOddsocks · 16/06/2021 10:39

I could’ve written this OP, ds is almost 11 now and his parents split when he was 18 months.

It’s so easy to look in from the outside and criticise, yes, your DH (and mine) should’ve questioned, should’ve fought harder, could have refused to abide by her rules but women like these don’t take that lightly and if he wants to see his son then it is so much easier just to abide by her rules and avoid a fight.
I can’t express to other posters just how exhausting it is to have a child/stepchild essentially held hostage by their mother, it’s not just something that pops up every other weekend, it’s a constant stress, a constant black cloud over your life and if you need to pay an extra £25 to see him to avoid a fight then you just do it because you want to see him! It’s certainly not fair or right but when you’re there in that situation, faced with that choice then you pick seeing your child!

We’ve been to court several times over the years. I absolutely encourage you to do so but prepare yourself for a fight. Just because you have a court order, doesn’t mean she’ll comply and all you can do when she breaks it is take her back to court and that takes time and money. We’ve not seen ds in 2 years now and applied to the court 3 times in that time, with COVID and everything, nothing has come of it despite being told that they are working through cases.

I don’t have much advice but just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. These women get away with it because they can and the system is utterly broken but keep paying, keep trying and try and find some way for ss to know that you’re trying and you love him. Good luck Flowers

Rebornagain · 18/06/2021 16:28

I like how women just say go to court , it is very expensive especially with a high conflict ex who no doubt will challenge everything make allegations etc it is a long and expensive road