How far is overstepping?

[dogtastic]

I’ve name changed for this; didn’t want to risk being identified..

I’m a step mum as well as a mum - have a foot in both camps as do many others on here, I know. Just struggling and could do with some opinions.

I’m increasingly seeing that parenting style is down to opinion. I took the decision some time ago to leave the parenting of my SKs to their parents. I don’t always agree with the way they’re parented (usual story, too much play station time etc) but it’s not my place to interfere. As a result, after a very shaky start, it now works quite well. I have to bite my tongue, but I do. And their mum is friendly and they co-parent well. All fine.

My problem is with my kids’ stepmum. I have 2 DD, 11 and 15. I have a good relationship with their dad - we co-parent , 50/50 and share expense for everything. Their dad has been with her for 3 years now, they don’t live together.

The problem is that she’s a bit bull-in-a-China shop about it all. She’s changed the rules and imposed her own - different - ones in their dad’s house. She has a 10 year old DS too. My 2 are becoming increasingly resentful. She also wants to cut back on the communication between myself and their dad. He tends to message me about the kids when she’s not there. We do chat about them, but normal stuff - if there are any issues at school etc.

Up till now, we’ve always given each other first refusal with the kids when one of us is away for work etc. If the other one can’t have them, then they’ll stay with the step parents (our respective partners) or we’ll sort something out.

However, their SM has now decided that when they are with their dad, it’s “their family time”. So therefore if he’s away, she insists my DDs go to her house (as I mentioned they don’t live together). I’ve tried talking to their dad, as they don’t want to be there and have stopped wanting to go. (They do still go - they need to see their dad) He’s ok about it but in a difficult position I guess.

Next month he’s away overnight on a conference on his time to have them. The girls have asked to come home, but been told no they must go to SM house. Added to this, she takes their phones off them when their dad leaves - partly to control their phone obsession (as with most teens!) but also because they have a history of texting me to say they don’t want to be at her house and want to come home.

What do I do?! Do I insist they be allowed to come home, and go get them? It’ll cause a mighty drama and Rock the boat if I do. Or let it go... any thoughts appreciated! My gut feeling is they’re my kids and should be able to come home if their dad isn’t there.

God, she sounds weird. She's not their step mother firstly, she doesn't even live with him.
Surely at 11 and 15 they can tell their dad no, they will not be staying at hers ?

She is trying to play a part she does not have. She is their df's gf!! The cheeky madam has absolutely no say in how your dc are parented. They come home of course. Why would you give her ramblings a second thought?

Thanks both.

I guess because it works so well I'm reluctant to rock the boat or come across all HC! But yes you've clarified for me what I kind of already thought. I'll be going to get them!

It's about control. There's no need!

No no no. Your children do not have to go if their father is away. What absolute nonsense.
I also give my exh first refusal if I’m away, guess why. They would always prefer to be with their dad if I am not home. I wouldn’t dream of saying ‘it’s my time and therefore you must be at mine with a nanny/ my partner etc).

Tell your exh a clear no. And how he deals with it his end? Not your problem.

Your kids absolutely have the right to choose where they want to be. Who does she think she is?

The nights that your ex is working and the kids are at his... is he having them another night to make up for not seeing them?

My ex used to do this. Although they at least lived together. Never asked to swap. It meant all his "free" nights were still his own, and DS was losing contact time, but ex could still say he had him x nights. I told him it wasn't acceptable. That DS didn't go to his house as a favour to me, but to see his dad. If he wasn't going to be there, he could stay with me. Or ex could choose to work one of the other 4/5 nights that didn't impact on DS contact. By this point DS was about 8 and questioning it himself.

To be fair, he stopped doing it, or asked to swap nights .

She's massively overstepping and your ex needs to rein her in before your 15yo especially takes a huge dislike and votes with her feet.

He won't have another night to make up for it (though he could if he wanted to.... ) he tends to be quite busy when work kicks in. As do I.. but the buck rests with me.

They'll come home. He'll have to deal with it. I think he gets a lot in the ear, but that's on him. They're his kids not hers, and he needs to deal with this.

If they wanted to stay then that would be fine. But they're actively ringing me to say they don't want to. Plus if she takes their phones, they can't get in touch with me anyway.

I wouldn't dream of hanging on to my SKs if they wanted their mum, and their dad was out. Nor would I ever take their phones. Their mum wouldn't be impressed and I wouldn't blame her!

I agree with the PP. She does seem like a bit of a control freak. Your DC place is with you or there father.

Sounds like she is massively overstepping and I agree she is not even their stepmother. If your kids father is away, the first logical place for them to be is with you. She can't insist on anything, she has no rights to have them stay with her. Especially if that's not what the kids want.

That's weird and controlling. You need to make it absolutely clear to your ex that your DDs aren't happy with the arrangement and that if he is away on business, your DDs will be with you.

Is it about money? Does she see your DDs as competition for his finances?

It's not money. He doesn't pay maintenance, we just split most things 50/50. So far it's worked for a number of years. Always been amicable - friendly even. It just feels fragile at the moment, for no good reason than her need to control.

She sounds very odd.

If DP was due to have DSD and there was some logistical reason that meant it was tricky for her mum to have her instead, I'd definitely offer to have her but I wouldn't insist. And she's 8 and has a younger sibling here who she enjoys spending time with! Why would anyone want to socialise with a reluctant 15 year old

A judge would let the children decide if SM made your ex take it to court.

I'd be telling my ex that I'd be saving any "forcing" for important matters like going to school or going to bed at a reasonable hour on school nights. He can ask them to visit when he's away but you won't be part of that discussion or the fallout.

She sounds completely crackers. Very weird behaviour. You should definitely tell your ExH that this won’t be happening.

Their time with their dad is exactly this - time with their dad. And he’s not there, so this time, they stay with you.

It might be different if she lived with your ex and had a amazing relationship with your girls.

Oh gosh no, they don't even live together. Even if they did I don't think it's reasonable to insist they are there when their dad is not. At that age they would have a say in court too (not that court would support crazy SM either) sometimes you need to rock the boat for your dc sake

She isn't their parent, she needs to back the F off. Dad won't be there so they should get a say if they want to return to their mums house. I would pick them up and wouldn't care less what drama it caused. My kids come first!

@Sunnydaysstillhere

She is trying to play a part she does not have. She is their df's gf!! The cheeky madam has absolutely no say in how your dc are parented. They come home of course. Why would you give her ramblings a second thought?

^ This

@dogtastic aside from anything else I would be livid if my dc's sm took their phones off them when exh wasn't with them. Phones are just a fact of modern life & most kids have grown up with them and would feel a little wobbly if they couldn't contact absent parents.
If your dc want to stay with you when their dad is away then that's what gets done & if it causes upset at your ex's end so be it.

Wow. Just. Wow.

They don't live together. But she is making ExH and your DC stay at hers when he has them, am I correct? Thats the first thing that isn't fucking on, it's his time with his DC and he needs to grow a fucking pair and say no.

The removal of phones is also a huge no for me, even more so when their actual parent isn't around.

They're old enough to decide where they want to be.

And your communication with ExH stays at the same level it did prior to meeting her, because that's what's healthy for the kids.

OP do they spend all weekends with their dad at her house? If so, I totally agree this is not good. They need time with just their Dad, and that’s quite apart from her imposing her parenting decisions on them.

Is there any reason why they can’t stay at their dad’s when they see him? I’m assuming he has space for them etc?

This really isn't on.

Firstly she's not their SM - she's their fathers GF and has absolutely no right to insist they children stay at her home without their father.

Taking phones - I'm sorry but that's just a hard no from me. Children should be able to contact their parents. If it's an issue of playing games then turn off the WiFi at bedtime.

Your children have a right to see their father. She's not part of the equation.

For clarity I'm a SM and have had DSD stay with me when DH was away working but the big differences are that 1) we are married and live together so DSD was staying at her own home in her own room 2) her DM was always made aware and offered "swaps" as was done in reverse so when she stayed solely with me it was usually because DM had made other arrangements or because DSD wanted to come anyway to see me and her half sibling DS 3) she always had her phone and we'd call DH so he could say night night and obviously speak to her DM whenever she wanted.

You need to put your foot down with your Ex. His GF is absolutely over stepping here.

I think you need to put your foot down too.

I would be checking if your DDs actually want it to stay 50:50 or would they rather the arrangements changed either so it's EOW and a night during the week only when their Dad is their or just simply that you formalise that's the natural parent gets first refusal of care when the other parent is away.

Wonder if her DS sees his Dad...

@RandomMess

I think you need to put your foot down too.

I would be checking if your DDs actually want it to stay 50:50 or would they rather the arrangements changed either so it's EOW and a night during the week only when their Dad is their or just simply that you formalise that's the natural parent gets first refusal of care when the other parent is away.

Wonder if her DS sees his Dad...

He doesn't see his dad, no...

Just to clarify they don't stay there in general. Just occasionally - and in this instance while he's away.

Thanks all. Clarified what I already thought. It's not ok. I don't want to put my DDs in a tricky position with a doorstep standoff, but I'll speak to ex beforehand and see if we can work it out. He'll huff and puff but I know he has our DDs best interests at heart. Yes. I'm not happy re the phones but didn't want to come across as precious or HC. They absolutely can ring me whenever they want to. And their dad when they're here (SM has no problems ringing my DDs when they're here, for context - ! )

Arghhhhhhhhh

I would just ask him to confirm what night he is away and pick them up from school that day...

Why is she phoning your DD's when they are with you?

My DS SM is married to his dad and rarely phones here, unless she's making plans to pick him. The odd text, yes. And I don't mind either way as she's been in his life for 10+ years now, but this GF is very full on...

(SM has no problems ringing my DDs when they're here, for context - ! )
Why on earth is she ringing them when they're with you?
Honestly? She sounds seriously unboundaried & the fact that her dc doesn't see his dad is (in the context of this situation) a massive red flag. It sounds like she's trying to create a family for herself whereby you get pushed out & she has the control.
I would be very wary of her.