How far is overstepping?

[dogtastic]

I’ve name changed for this; didn’t want to risk being identified..

I’m a step mum as well as a mum - have a foot in both camps as do many others on here, I know. Just struggling and could do with some opinions.

I’m increasingly seeing that parenting style is down to opinion. I took the decision some time ago to leave the parenting of my SKs to their parents. I don’t always agree with the way they’re parented (usual story, too much play station time etc) but it’s not my place to interfere. As a result, after a very shaky start, it now works quite well. I have to bite my tongue, but I do. And their mum is friendly and they co-parent well. All fine.

My problem is with my kids’ stepmum. I have 2 DD, 11 and 15. I have a good relationship with their dad - we co-parent , 50/50 and share expense for everything. Their dad has been with her for 3 years now, they don’t live together.

The problem is that she’s a bit bull-in-a-China shop about it all. She’s changed the rules and imposed her own - different - ones in their dad’s house. She has a 10 year old DS too. My 2 are becoming increasingly resentful. She also wants to cut back on the communication between myself and their dad. He tends to message me about the kids when she’s not there. We do chat about them, but normal stuff - if there are any issues at school etc.

Up till now, we’ve always given each other first refusal with the kids when one of us is away for work etc. If the other one can’t have them, then they’ll stay with the step parents (our respective partners) or we’ll sort something out.

However, their SM has now decided that when they are with their dad, it’s “their family time”. So therefore if he’s away, she insists my DDs go to her house (as I mentioned they don’t live together). I’ve tried talking to their dad, as they don’t want to be there and have stopped wanting to go. (They do still go - they need to see their dad) He’s ok about it but in a difficult position I guess.

Next month he’s away overnight on a conference on his time to have them. The girls have asked to come home, but been told no they must go to SM house. Added to this, she takes their phones off them when their dad leaves - partly to control their phone obsession (as with most teens!) but also because they have a history of texting me to say they don’t want to be at her house and want to come home.

What do I do?! Do I insist they be allowed to come home, and go get them? It’ll cause a mighty drama and Rock the boat if I do. Or let it go... any thoughts appreciated! My gut feeling is they’re my kids and should be able to come home if their dad isn’t there.

Fuck that, look after your children and tell her to back the fuck off. Your oldest is 15 years old fgs, who the hell does this woman think she is??

I'd hit the roof! It is not her place to have any say at all in what happens with your children. I'd certainly kick up about her removing their phones.

My partner lives with me and my kids and he never parents them, always takes it to me unless he's watching them whilst I nip out. This is how it should be IMO and luckily we agree (it was his idea anyway). He will guide them, help them and give advice if they ask or are struggling but never parent.

Totally agree. It's tricky when it's dads time because (rightly) I can't dictate what goes on there, as he can't at mine. He seems to be fine with it

However, my SO would never take my girls' phones, and I'd certainly never take his children's phones - I'm not their mum, and it would lead to untold resentments.

What I think I can control however, is what happens / where they are when he's not there. I suspect if it came to a doorstep drama at her house, in his absence (which I'd rather avoid!) then the rights would be squarely with me

More importantly it's what my girls want!

Just point out it is really not allowed at this moment in time!

I think you do need to nip this in the bud though now

I suspect if it came to a doorstep drama at her house, in his absence (which I'd rather avoid!) then the rights would be squarely with me
There's no suspecting at all op - you're their mother. At the moment she's nothing to your kids (in the eyes of the law) bar a babysitter! She doesn't even live with your ex.
This is not a criticism of you but I can't understand why you are pussy footing around this. Your kids will NOT suffer from seeing you kick off or witnessing a doorstep drama with a woman who is nothing to them. For the record I am very pro sm/pro nrp's partner generally - but this woman is not a sm (much as she'd like to be) & doesn't even share a house with your ex and the dc.
I'd kick her to touch (metaphorically) as she is grossly disrespecting your kids and you!

Do you think perhaps she is she fighting an imaginary fight on behalf of your Ex where she thinks if you have the girls for more nights you're going to start asking for maintenance?

She is seriously overstepping. It's clearly about control, not love for your girls.

@Magda72

I suspect if it came to a doorstep drama at her house, in his absence (which I'd rather avoid!) then the rights would be squarely with me There's no suspecting at all op - you're their mother. At the moment she's nothing to your kids (in the eyes of the law) bar a babysitter! She doesn't even live with your ex. This is not a criticism of you but I can't understand why you are pussy footing around this. Your kids will NOT suffer from seeing you kick off or witnessing a doorstep drama with a woman who is nothing to them. For the record I am very pro sm/pro nrp's partner generally - but this woman is not a sm (much as she'd like to be) & doesn't even share a house with your ex and the dc. I'd kick her to touch (metaphorically) as she is grossly disrespecting your kids and you!

I can see why you think this from the way I've written it, but it has been dealt with in the strongest terms before. I've spoken with my ex at length about it - he agreed to an extent and it did get better.

I see in my work the fallout from acrimonious divorces, but I also think my girls need to see a strong role model in their mum. Which I think I do provide too. It's a fine line between what happens when with dad being up to him, and overstepping. This is clearly overstepping and I'm braced for the ride if it happens again.

I think she's very keen for me and ex to fall out - so is trying to create this. I won't allow her to take control of that relationship though. Thanks for all your responses! Really helped.

What a nightmare to be dealing with an adult with such petty agendas and your children disadvantaged at the centre of them. What on earth does your ex see in this poisonous woman?

A relationship I think. He's not great at being on his own...

Yes of course they should be allowed to stay with you if you're there and they want to

If mum couldn't have them either then I'd probably offer but I'd never demand nor expect them to come to me without DH there if their mum was about. It wouldn't even be considered.