How far is overstepping?

[dogtastic]

I’ve name changed for this; didn’t want to risk being identified..

I’m a step mum as well as a mum - have a foot in both camps as do many others on here, I know. Just struggling and could do with some opinions.

I’m increasingly seeing that parenting style is down to opinion. I took the decision some time ago to leave the parenting of my SKs to their parents. I don’t always agree with the way they’re parented (usual story, too much play station time etc) but it’s not my place to interfere. As a result, after a very shaky start, it now works quite well. I have to bite my tongue, but I do. And their mum is friendly and they co-parent well. All fine.

My problem is with my kids’ stepmum. I have 2 DD, 11 and 15. I have a good relationship with their dad - we co-parent , 50/50 and share expense for everything. Their dad has been with her for 3 years now, they don’t live together.

The problem is that she’s a bit bull-in-a-China shop about it all. She’s changed the rules and imposed her own - different - ones in their dad’s house. She has a 10 year old DS too. My 2 are becoming increasingly resentful. She also wants to cut back on the communication between myself and their dad. He tends to message me about the kids when she’s not there. We do chat about them, but normal stuff - if there are any issues at school etc.

Up till now, we’ve always given each other first refusal with the kids when one of us is away for work etc. If the other one can’t have them, then they’ll stay with the step parents (our respective partners) or we’ll sort something out.

However, their SM has now decided that when they are with their dad, it’s “their family time”. So therefore if he’s away, she insists my DDs go to her house (as I mentioned they don’t live together). I’ve tried talking to their dad, as they don’t want to be there and have stopped wanting to go. (They do still go - they need to see their dad) He’s ok about it but in a difficult position I guess.

Next month he’s away overnight on a conference on his time to have them. The girls have asked to come home, but been told no they must go to SM house. Added to this, she takes their phones off them when their dad leaves - partly to control their phone obsession (as with most teens!) but also because they have a history of texting me to say they don’t want to be at her house and want to come home.

What do I do?! Do I insist they be allowed to come home, and go get them? It’ll cause a mighty drama and Rock the boat if I do. Or let it go... any thoughts appreciated! My gut feeling is they’re my kids and should be able to come home if their dad isn’t there.

She is desperately trying to figure a place of importance in the dc's lives. Wonder if exh is having second thoughts about the relationship and she is trying to grab your dc's to claim more of a family status. Beware of an unplanned baby op!!

Yep, I'd be curious to hear her ex's version of events regarding contact with his DC

Although, she'd have to have done a serious number on him for him not to be seeing than at all and him be totally blameless

I agree and have thought about this too. But - I could drive myself mad with anger if I let myself. Better to just deal with what I can change. And that's collecting my DDs when they're not with their dad. (She thinks I'm the psycho! Also, who wouldn't want their divorced parents to get along. Why try to scupper that)

I suspect you're right re ex. Other people have said the same!

Wow this sounds very much like my partner kids step dad (mums new husband) their mum was is hospital for 2 weeks before having a baby and we didn't know till like a week in and my partner said they should come here because they were a) worriers about their mom and b) not massively comfortable staying alone with step dad due to very struck rules.

We were told it was not 'our' time so they were to stay home very odd and we didn't get it!!

I would never overstep Im this way with SC and don't know many let that would... control freak springs to mind. Do not feel your kids have to be anywhere without you or their dad especially if they actively don't want to be there!

Why is she phoning your DD's when they are with you?

I honestly don't see a problem with this as a general rule.

I regularly contact DSD independently of DH and her DM.

Nothing controversial I might add, but things like I'm thinking of cooking x or y for dinner do you have a preference give you're coming tonight? Or congratulations on hearing she's done something well at school/college etc. I might send a text about something I think she might find of interest re: a specific hobby she has. If she's not with us on her birthday I'd always text as well as speaking to her on a call with DH to wish her happy birthday.

IMHO it's all part of me having a positive relationship with her and showing an interest in her directly which I feel is a good thing.

I wouldn't discuss contact arrangements or get involved "independently" if there were any issues/concerns - but I see no issue at all in a SM speaking/texting with DSC's in a positive way that makes them feel valued and considered.

The bit that doesn't add up here is that SM is happy to have contact with the children when they are with their mother but refuses to allow contact with their mother in reverse.

@DeRigueurMortis

Why is she phoning your DD's when they are with you?

I honestly don't see a problem with this as a general rule.

I regularly contact DSD independently of DH and her DM.

Nothing controversial I might add, but things like I'm thinking of cooking x or y for dinner do you have a preference give you're coming tonight? Or congratulations on hearing she's done something well at school/college etc. I might send a text about something I think she might find of interest re: a specific hobby she has. If she's not with us on her birthday I'd always text as well as speaking to her on a call with DH to wish her happy birthday.

IMHO it's all part of me having a positive relationship with her and showing an interest in her directly which I feel is a good thing.

I wouldn't discuss contact arrangements or get involved "independently" if there were any issues/concerns - but I see no issue at all in a SM speaking/texting with DSC's in a positive way that makes them feel valued and considered.

The bit that doesn't add up here is that SM is happy to have contact with the children when they are with their mother but refuses to allow contact with their mother in reverse.

But you are an SM - married to her dad and living with them. As I said, I've no issue with my son's SM calling and texting him, I'm glad she's happy too, but she's built that relationship over a long time, pretty much since before my DS can remember. This woman is getting way ahead of herself and the kids clearly feel it.

@DeRigueurMortis

Why is she phoning your DD's when they are with you?

I honestly don't see a problem with this as a general rule.

I regularly contact DSD independently of DH and her DM.

Nothing controversial I might add, but things like I'm thinking of cooking x or y for dinner do you have a preference give you're coming tonight? Or congratulations on hearing she's done something well at school/college etc. I might send a text about something I think she might find of interest re: a specific hobby she has. If she's not with us on her birthday I'd always text as well as speaking to her on a call with DH to wish her happy birthday.

IMHO it's all part of me having a positive relationship with her and showing an interest in her directly which I feel is a good thing.

I wouldn't discuss contact arrangements or get involved "independently" if there were any issues/concerns - but I see no issue at all in a SM speaking/texting with DSC's in a positive way that makes them feel valued and considered.

The bit that doesn't add up here is that SM is happy to have contact with the children when they are with their mother but refuses to allow contact with their mother in reverse.

I don't think anyone would say there's something wrong with it as a general rule. I agree. It's just the taking over, deciding she will call the shots that's the problem. Stopping them phoning their mum...!

She doesn’t live with their dad and the girls are not keen on her, from what the OP says, so I’d be really confused about why she is contacting the DDs for anything at any time, given their young ages.

Like the phone thing, it feels more like her need for control. Would make me wonder if she is looking through their phones when she has them.

It sounds like their dad has just let her take charge.

Agree with PP that parent should have first refusal for care if there is a switch and not step parent. The idea that your ex would ‘huff and puff’ because the mother of his children wants to be with them and doesn’t need his live-out girlfriend to look after them is really odd. It would make me question how they spend their time when with him - does he let GF take over?

I don’t know how you stay so calm, OP.

She stops them calling you? No reason for this ever.

Time to stop her horrible controlling behaviour.

I don't think anyone would say there's something wrong with it as a general rule. I agree. It's just the taking over, deciding she will call the shots that's the problem. Stopping them phoning their mum...!

Which I absolutely agree is out of order.

I was just making the point in contrast to some posters asking why a SM might contact DSC's when they are at the DM's that's there's good reasons for doing so and it's not all about control.

In your situation it is obviously hypocritical to have it one way but not the other and put bluntly she sounds unhinged and unkind.

Awful scenario.

I would be tempted to tell her to take a hike in the strongest possible terms and reinforce the words

"But I am their stepmum!"

"No you aren't"

Until it is understood

She isn't their sm op. Re - jig your thinking. She isn't even df's live in gf...
She is inching into your dc's heads as one. Dismiss it ASAP. Block her off their phones tonight..

In all honesty, whether she's their SM or dad's GF doesn't really make a difference in this situation. Neither does it matter that they don't live together, because even of they did, your DDs should absolutely be able to decide if they want to be there or not when their dad is away.

They shouldn't have their phones taken away, unless as a punishment and they should not be forced to stay with her when their dad isnt there.

She sounds like a jealous insecure control freak. People like her chose their partners, in the same way abusive men do. She knows she can get away behaving like this because of your Ex's personality and also probably because you're also so calm and chose the path of least resistance.

Just imagine if you had a similar personality to hers. She'd never get away with it.

Your Ex needs to understand that this kind of thing can lead to resentment from your DDs, which will affect their relationship with him as they grow up.

They'll see him as the weak parent who couldn't stand up for them, against his GFs foolish behaviour.

Crikey, this is really worrying.

Stepmum or not (and she is NOT), you and their dad are the actual parents. Their dad needs to stand up to her. How dare she stop you contacting them or decide they are spending time with her?

I suggest you sit down with your ex and have a serious talk about how you are both going to parent your own children.

I would be extremely wary of this woman.

She sounds like my Dads partner. We had grown up by the time my Mom and Dad split
She oversteps the mark and I could imagine trying to pull these kind of stunts.
My Dad is like this and gets completely driven over. I have no idea why.

Speak to your ex whem shes not about. He'll understand.

I’m usually Team Step Mum on here as there are so many step mum bashers, but she is being bizarre!

As a step mum myself I’d want DSD to stay with her mum if DH was away (it’s never happened as he makes sure any time away is on non DSD days) and DSD and her mum would both want that too.

I can’t see what she is gaining by taking sole responsibility for 2 kids overnight?

Are you sure it’s definitely her and not your ex using her to take the blame? I have known some partners do that so they are never the bad guy.

SHE ISN'T THEIR BLOODY SM!!
she isn't even df's live in gf!!

My sister found herself in a similar situation with her DC overbearing SM (albeit SM was living with their father). The father and SM are now split up and sis’s DC live with the SM. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this either, it happened to a friend of mine years ago. In both cases the SM took over the mum’s whole life - bloke, home and kids.
Get ahead of this now OP.

@JosephineDeBeauharnais how on earth did that come about? Does your sister or the dad even see the kids? I'm assuming the kids had some say and that's how they've ended up with her? OP's kid clearly don't want that.

Think their dad needs grow a pair an say they don't wana stay at yours they just wana stay with their mum because your w clear control freak! Gosh I can't get rid of my sk!! I met their dad and within a month of me living with him 2 of his oldest moved in with me. So my situation was kind of opposite to you but theirs was their real mum. She was awful always out with different men. Never had any food in, she has 11 kids in her early 30s she just isn't nice. They didn't get no time or anything. Used to smash their stuff up if they was home late (like 5mins) or if she was with a man she would lock them out.
I love them to bits and even now 9 years later and 1 moved out and 1 always with his girlfriend they are always round raiding my cubirds having tea or just ringing and texting. And always make sure I have them their Christmas Eve box and sweets. Don't think they will ever get to old

But please op. Tell him straight they don't like her an how she is. So change them rules an I'm sure he will agree. It isn't fair on them. I didn't make them see their mum, I tried to encourage it as it is their mum but you can't force it their old enough x

And the texting thing. I do text my other sc but iv been in their lives for many years now so different and iv brought 2 up practically I.e parents evening etc it was me ! Don't text all the time just when something happens or like iv read - something of interest
But my dh i make sure he texts their mums to check on them and has a good relationship. Dh,dd & her mum used to go for dinner once a week after her sports activity. You get with them knowing they've got kids you accept they need a relationship with the other parent and making it a good one is good for everyone all around!

[quote excelledyourself]@JosephineDeBeauharnais how on earth did that come about? Does your sister or the dad even see the kids? I'm assuming the kids had some say and that's how they've ended up with her? OP's kid clearly don't want that. [/quote]
It happened gradually. SM was determined to steal my sister’s whole life and pretty much succeeded. DC liked being there as more fun with smaller siblings around, DSis was depressed and insistent on boring things like, you know homework and stuff, so now DC spend most of the time with SM and go to DSiS for fun stuff like holidays. She just didn’t have the resources, emotional or otherwise, to fight it.
Friend ended up in that situation because the fmh was a farm with lots going on, a big house, quad bikes and all that, whereas mum had to move to a tiny rented place in the village.