Is it reasonable to disengage

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I've posted before about my adult stepson who basically blanked me in my own house for years and years as he thought I was the reason his parents split up (I most definitely wasn't, by they way). On top of that I've had a battle (or my husband has) to get him to pull his weight in the house and do basic things like flush the toilet, leave the bathroom in a decent state, lock doors and windows before leaving the house empty, etc. So we don't have the best relationship if I'm honest.

He's been back from Uni for the summer and staying with us a couple of nights a week. He goes back to his university next week. I've been polite, cooked for him as well as the rest of the family, etc etc. But I'm kind of keeping my distance.

Just recently he seems to have decided that he needs to make things up to me, and this has manifested itself in him wanting to stay up chatting, telling me about his problems, that kind of thing. It's important to point out that not once has he apologised for the way he treated me for years.

I'm kind of feeling like it's a little too late and whilst I won't ever be rude to him, and he is welcomed into the house, is it reasonable not to want to be some kind of second mum/confidante?

At the same time I have a 17 year old daughter who is going through a few things with school and exams, similar to many her age, and her dad quite frankly does nothing to lighten that mental load as she barely sees him (long story, totally his fault). Plus my mum is ill right now and having treatment. So I kind of feel like mentally I don't have room for anything else right now.

I realise he'll be gone next week but he'll be back at Christmas and I can't face the sudden friendliness. I just find it weird, like there's this great big elephant in the room (him not speaking to me for 6 years) which no one is bothering to address.

Is it possible given his age that he has simply grown up?

It's often been said that the sulking rude selfish teenager eventually grows up and turns into a decent person.

In terms of a lack of apology, perhaps he is embarrassed and testing the water before he actually addresses the past.

I have step children and if this was me, I'd make the effort for a week and see how it goes.
If it doesn't progress, what have you lost by sucking it up for a week?

Yeah I have been making an effort, for more than a week. But if I'm honest, I'm done. I don't feel like I have the mental capacity to become his 'other parent.'

That was what I thought too. It's an olive branch as he's growing up. You're the more experienced adult here, be the bigger person and accept it. You don't need to be bosom buddies with him, in fact better not to be as you're in a parental role.

Treat him as you treat your daughter.

You don't have to be his second parent but you're in each others lives presumably for the long hall so I would advise trying to build that relationship now he seems to be in a place where he can. As the previous poster said, with him now being at uni and growing up a bit wouldn't all your futures be better if you give him a chance make amends? Good luck

Treat him as you treat your daughter.

Is that not his mum's job? Step parents are always being told not to overstep the mark on here. My daughter is taking a LOT of parenting right now, from an emotional support perspective. I don't feel that it's my role to be that support for my stepson.

Take the win no? Better and happier for you all, including your husband?

If he has grown up/realised the error of his ways then once you grow a bond you may well find the apology you want forthcoming. It won't happen if you keep your distance, and that will be your own doing.

Tbh he was a child when he treated you badly, however horrid it was. You are an adult now and should exercise better judgement.

Can't be the best example to set to your daughter either if she witnesses someone trying to chat to you/share problems etc and you're just being evasive.

Not really an excuse to "not have time/capacity" - he's your stepson and your family so you have to make time.

How would you want your daughter to be treated? It sounds like he has just grown up. Even though I can hear that during his child and adolescent years he was rude and difficult that does mor mean he is not deserving of a little compassion. Try to be empathetic and think about how he might have been feeling when he was a child. A few hours listening and offering your experienced view may be good for both of you and is not too much to ask surely?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. How much more are you supposed to take? Why can he now decide to be a decent human and suddenly everything is supposed to be magically fixed and forgotten? All of the years of him being a twat should be excused? Fuck that.

Be polite and cordial, but don't listen to anyone who expects you to feel things you just can't and expend energy you simply don't have. You have been trying for years and you are mentally exhausted right now. Maybe in years to come you can form a better relationship with him, but now isn't going to work.

I would find a way to not be around him until he goes back to uni. Hang out with your daughter in your bedroom perhaps.

He's grown up, he does want to improve his relationship with you. I would embrace this opportunity to bring you closer together. My dp's dd hasn't been in my life long but I wouldn't dream of refusing to chat with her as you describe, she says she can talk to me differently than her mum, I see it as a positive.

I'm wondering why your husband has tolerated his son being such an insufferable spoilt prick for so many years.

You sound petty and immature, OP.

Your stepson was a CHILD when you came into his life. He probably suffered from his parents splitting up and was in pain. It's understandable that he wouldn't have liked you.

He's now becoming an adult and realising you didn't cause all the pain from his parents splitting up and wants a relationship with you because you're part of the family and he's accepted that. And you want to be petty and reject him based on your daughter having problems?

I hope you realise what is best for the whole family is everyone getting on.

@Aquamarine1029 he blanked my husband for years too, it wasn't just me. He didn't even know why until about a year ago, when it all came out that he blamed us both for his parents splitting up. What actually happened was that his mum left his dad for another woman and came out shortly afterwards. Despite all this he still didn't think that his mum was to blame. I know this is a lot to go through for a teen but what also grates with me is that he still hasn't confronted his mum about the whole thing even now he knows the truth.

I hardly thinks it's petty rejecting him based on my daughter having problems. I'm not exactly rejecting him. I just don't want to sit up til late with him listening to his problems. I don't think that's my job. My head is fit to explode with everything else going on and that's just one more thing that I could do without.

@Motherlandismylife

Maybe address the elephant in a kind and adult like way during one of these chats. You could say something like 'It feels really nice to beable to do this with you but i won't lie there is a part that saddens me that we were not able to before and I wondered what changed? 'obvioulsy im glad of this current situation but also feel the need to address and put to bed the past?

I agree and would add that you can tell him that you are overwhelmed right now with your mom's illness.

About apologizing, I agree with you, but at the same time, many adults have trouble doing it and I guess nobody tought him. My then 14 year old SS ignored me for several months because of an issue I had with his mother, but he apologized at 15 and that changed things. So it is possible to realize that his behaviour was rude, but at the same time, it might be extremely hard for him. Give yourself time. Your feelings might change one day.

I won't ever be rude to him, and he is welcomed into the house
That’s fine, and all you need to do. Anything else is only if you want to.
Where is is Dad in all this? Is he being treated to the same insights into his sons life? Nothing at all wrong with saying “I’m exhausted and going to bed, shall I make you and your dad a cup of tea before I go?” or similar. Leave them to it.

Did you expect him to confront his mum for being gay?

Can you not just say "I'm really glad you've decided you'd like a relationship with me after so long."

Then when he wants to sit up etc you tell him you're tired and you'll make time for him at such and such a time.

I think he's probably just grown up and whilst you don't have to step in and be his emotional support and listen to everything at the detriment of yourself or your daughter, pushing him away would be quit callous and may push things back to how they were with no hope of any reconciliation.

Make his dad step up too and take some of the emotional load.

I agree with pp. You're the grown up here. Don't be ungracious and pass up this opportunity.

@sandyy2k that's not what I meant. It was more the fact that he's treated me and his dad like crap and the bad guys for years, all the while thinking his mum was the best thing since sliced bread. When his dad finally told him that mum was unfaithful while they were married, he was very angry with her. But hasn't said a word to her about it or questioned why she led him to believe that his dad was the bad guy (which she did, because it suited her narrative).

What you’re clearly saying here is that
A) you don’t have the emotional bandwidth
B) you don’t necessarily want to do all of this without the past being discussed.

It’s all very well and good for some posters to say take the high road and take the olive branch, but that’s not how emotions and emotional bandwidth works. You don’t get to treat someone like rubbish for 6 years and suddenly decide ‘oh today I’ll be nice.’ And nor does the person who has been on the receiving end of such bad behaviour suddenly have to be receptive.

Op, do what you have the emotional bandwidth for. Prioritise you’re daughter as she needs that support. What you are able and willing to do? Do that and no more. You are under zero obligation to do anything more than what you are doing now.

It takes years to build bridges and broken trust. It’s not an overnight process.

[quote chocolatesaltyballs22]@Aquamarine1029 he blanked my husband for years too, it wasn't just me. He didn't even know why until about a year ago, when it all came out that he blamed us both for his parents splitting up. What actually happened was that his mum left his dad for another woman and came out shortly afterwards. Despite all this he still didn't think that his mum was to blame. I know this is a lot to go through for a teen but what also grates with me is that he still hasn't confronted his mum about the whole thing even now he knows the truth.

I hardly thinks it's petty rejecting him based on my daughter having problems. I'm not exactly rejecting him. I just don't want to sit up til late with him listening to his problems. I don't think that's my job. My head is fit to explode with everything else going on and that's just one more thing that I could do without.[/quote]
Even more reason to not take it personally??

He was a child. Yes rude but a child.

Don't judge a child or teenager by adult standards. All teenagers can be dickheads. He's trying - it makes you bitter to ignore it now. He'll be in your life for a long time and if now is the turning point for perhaps 30 more years of a relationship you'd be a fool to not at least try.

Thankyou @sassbott, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Sorry but I also think that if he's at university now and this has been going on "for years and years" then it's been teenage stroppy behaviour. He didn't ask for his family to break up. I wouldn't like my teenage sullenness to be held against me, and I'm not like that at all now.

It does sound like an olive branch and an attempt to build a relationship with you and surely that's better all round.

I take your point about the mental and emotional load. I'd say his dad needs to perhaps seize the opportunity and make time for him in the hope that he will offload to him, rather than you. But I would think you were BVU to not get to know him if he's making the effort.

You need to move on OP. That's what he is trying to do.

He's moved away and escaped the battles. He is hoping you have too.

You seem to want him to apologise, say how wrong he was to believe his mum whilst all the while you were the parent worthy of his good behaviour.

This is totally unrealistic and sad you are not willing to treat him as he treats you now because you're holding on to the past.

It's ironic you can't see you are acting now as he was acting then but you don't have to worry, he'll get the message and will go back to think you are not worthy of his time and attention.