Page 2 | Is it reasonable to disengage

BillywilliamV · 17/09/2020 17:57

Sounds like one of you has grown up!

BlueJay99 · 17/09/2020 18:06

I think fair play to him for growing up while at uni and now trying to forge a better relationship with you.

Clearly he didn't take his parents separation well but the lazy around the house stuff sounds typical teenager to me.

If you are able to get on ok with him it will probably make your life easier and more enjoyable in the long run (thinking of all the life events in years to come).
He's extending an arm of friendship so take it.

bogoffmda · 17/09/2020 19:43

His Mum came out as gay and that is a mind fuck for many adults let alone a child. He took it out on the people around him - hardly surprising.

He is now in a place where there are probably more openly gay people and he has a different perspective and is putting out an olive branch.

I bet you will find he knew a lot more than the adults involved realised and he has struggled.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 17/09/2020 20:04

My ex treated his stepmother badly. I think he did this because he felt disloyal to his mother and she encouraged animosity between him and his stepmother and step siblings.

It's hard to really know exactly what went on but I think it really fucked his head up. His stepmother has done an awful lot for him and there was lots of jealousy from his mother that someone else was looking after her children.

It's only now he's an adult and without his mother's poison that his relationship with his stepmother has improved. His step siblings are less forgiving because he was vile to their mum.

Before his mother's death he had started being less receptive to her crap. He'd started to question what she said more but he still trusted her word over others.

SandyY2K · 17/09/2020 21:10

When his dad finally told him that mum was unfaithful while they were married, he was very angry with her.

He may well not have said anything to her....but she will no longer be the super excellent can't do anything wrong mum in his mind after that.

His attitude towards her and his behaviour on discovery will no doubt have changed.

He also may have said something to her that you're not privy to. Unless he told you or she told you, how would you know?

I'm not sure how old he was when they split and how old he was when he found out, but confronting his mum would not have been easy. Many much older adults would struggle with it and in this case, her sexuality would have been an added layer of complexity.

I'm not saying you should engage with him if you don't want to ...especially while you have issues with your DD to focus on.

Reubenshat · 17/09/2020 21:25

If you left your dh you wouldn’t have this problem.

When I’m done with some one I’m done. I just can’t build it back up again.

OP I think you’ve been amazing sticking it out this long tbh. Focus on your dd. You don’t actually owe him anything

Laburnam · 17/09/2020 21:31

He’s confining in you which means he trusts you.
There is absolutely no point in bringing up the past, he was a child for God sake.
He sounds like he’s turning into a mature young man and yes it is your job as a step mum to support him

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/09/2020 00:52

He was a kid for Gods sake. Where is your compassion?

He's grown up. Stop being so petty.

SionnachRua · 18/09/2020 01:10

Sounds like he's grown up while you have not. While it sounds horrible he was a child when this happened, a child struggling with the breakup of his family. It was easier to lash out at you - it was wrong but teens do many wrong things. I'd hope that if your precious daughter was in his shoes she'd be treated with more compassion.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/09/2020 06:55

I see the ex wives club is out in force. I should've known on this board.

Thanks to those of you who have made constructive comments.

OP posts:

Notverybright · 18/09/2020 07:12

Why not moan about your problems to him? It might help you.

dontdisturbmenow · 18/09/2020 08:04

Thanks to those of you who have made constructive comments
You mean those who told you what you wanted to hear.

Let's hope you won't be posting in few years time moaning that you SS hasn't invited you at his wedding and you are angry at your oh for going anyway, adding that there are no reasons at all for him to exclude you.

Wolfcub · 18/09/2020 08:41

Teenagers are dicks. Mine is currently and it's horrible to live through so after six years I get why you've had enough.

But, this is probably a one time offer, if he extends the olive branch (however clumsily) and you reject it, then this will be your relationship with him for the rest of your life. Yes you have a lot on, yes you have a lot of mental load and believe me I sympathise with that, but I think you should take the branch that is offered.

You can say I'm really sorry can we talk about this tomorrow I've had a tough day worrying about mum and I'm not in the best place to give advice tonight. But do make that time when you are less tired, he's showing you his vulnerability, that takes a lot of trust to do

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/09/2020 09:32

You mean those who told you what you wanted to hear.

I was actually referring to the non-helpful and nasty 'grow up' type comments.

OP posts:

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/09/2020 09:38

It's also interesting that when I posted on the relationships board about this causing problems between me and my husband, I had various 'kick the rude little shit out' type comments and many suggesting that I send my husband the same way. And yet when he decides to be a nice person I have to just forgive and forget according to some.

Just goes to show the different spin you get on things from a different audience.

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Laburnam · 18/09/2020 09:39

My advice to you was as a step Mother also. By holding a grudge you’re going to cause irreparable damage to the family. If he’s trying to mend bridges then as the adult with all the life experience behind you, you should be glad that this is happening.
My parents went through a dreadful divorce, my father used every tactic to make us turn against our mother and my brother did cut himself off from my Mother for 10 years. When he reconnected with her, not once did she recriminate him, or want to hold a post-mortem on why it happened etc etc.She welcomed him with open arms and they were reunited.
I hope that you can see further then yourself and look at the bigger picture!

Suzi888 · 18/09/2020 10:07

I think he’s just matured and is trying to make amends with you. Remember he was a child and his world was torn apart, god knows what his mother told him. How come he didn’t live with her? There must be resentment there..... on some level.
You could address the elephant in the room as a way of moving forward.
Is that the only thing that bothers you? You want an apology? Or even if he apologises you still don’t want any kind of relationship, other than pleasantries?
What does your DH say?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 18/09/2020 10:23

@suzi888 he does live with her, when he's not at university. He visits us a couple of times a week and stays over.

I know that my husband would prefer for us to have some kind of relationship but he isn't pushing it. I've never made a secret of the fact that I didn't want to be a second mother to his kids. It was his idea to get married and combine households and I kind of made my position clear from the outset. I just don't feel like I have the mental capacity to parent his kids. I'll make an effort to get on with them, of course. But I don't want to be the one they come to with all their problems. They have two parents for that.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 18/09/2020 10:30

he needs to make things up to me, and this has manifested itself in him wanting to stay up chatting, telling me about his problems,

Goodness, how marvellous to be 'allowed' to listen to his problems.

I just don't want to sit up til late with him listening to his problems

This seems entirely reasonable to me. I need my sleep.

But then, I wouldn't expect a parent to do that either. It doesn't sound like much of an opportunity to me.

Welcoming him to your home, not making a fuss about earlier bad behaviour, all good.

How long does he spend talking about himself to his father ? Thought not.

It's entirely possible to have a cordial, warm relationship with adult DSC without pandering. All the best.

Laburnam · 18/09/2020 10:37

But you’re not making an effort if you’re not wanting to listen to their problems. You can’t really have it on your own terms . Did you not think that by being a step mum that this would happen? How would you feel if you were divorced and your husband remarried and the new step mum was as resentful as you?
I think you have some issues that you need to be addressing

dontdisturbmenow · 18/09/2020 13:11

I just don't feel like I have the mental capacity to parent his kids
But that's not what he is asking. He is doing conversation that is beyond talking about the weather.

He is trying to show you that he values your opinion. That's it parenting, that's what you do with family members and friends.

If the timing is not good, you can say do, although that's an opportunity missed.

You don't seem to want any of this at all though.

morefun · 18/09/2020 13:57

Maybe you just need a little time to adjust to this new situation with your stepson. I couldn't be unkind to him in your situation, teenagers can be dreadful and it sounds like he is growing up.

You could address it directly and tell him you're trying to get used to your relationship now being more friendly. I assume that this is welcome really?! Who would want an ongoing shite relationship with their husband's child?

excelledyourself · 18/09/2020 14:19

I see the post you made in Relationships under another name. How bizarre that you name changed and posted on your own thread offering yourself advice. Clearly a bump after replies had dropped off. You were clearly enjoying the replies better on that one.

I've always felt sorry for your SS. You obviously despise him.

Upstartcrones · 18/09/2020 14:25

I kind of see where you are coming from OP. You've been a punch bag for years and now he's found a different use for you and expects you to forget everything that went before. I think I get it.

However, this is a chance for a more positive situation all round that will ultimately be less stressful for everyone. It's a chance to let go of bitterness and just, you know, get along. I think you're hiding behind the not wanting to be a 2nd mother as a defence mechanism and stoking your own resentment unnecessarily.

Just let go. Take a deep breath and give him a chance for a fresh start. It's a much healthier way to live. If he screws it up you can at least say you tried with no regrets.

Mumoftwo1994 · 18/09/2020 14:57

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I've posted before about my adult stepson who basically blanked me in my own house for years and years as he thought I was the reason his parents split up (I most definitely wasn't, by they way). On top of that I've had a battle (or my husband has) to get him to pull his weight in the house and do basic things like flush the toilet, leave the bathroom in a decent state, lock doors and windows before leaving the house empty, etc. So we don't have the best relationship if I'm honest.

He's been back from Uni for the summer and staying with us a couple of nights a week. He goes back to his university next week. I've been polite, cooked for him as well as the rest of the family, etc etc. But I'm kind of keeping my distance.

Just recently he seems to have decided that he needs to make things up to me, and this has manifested itself in him wanting to stay up chatting, telling me about his problems, that kind of thing. It's important to point out that not once has he apologised for the way he treated me for years.

I'm kind of feeling like it's a little too late and whilst I won't ever be rude to him, and he is welcomed into the house, is it reasonable not to want to be some kind of second mum/confidante?

At the same time I have a 17 year old daughter who is going through a few things with school and exams, similar to many her age, and her dad quite frankly does nothing to lighten that mental load as she barely sees him (long story, totally his fault). Plus my mum is ill right now and having treatment. So I kind of feel like mentally I don't have room for anything else right now.

I realise he'll be gone next week but he'll be back at Christmas and I can't face the sudden friendliness. I just find it weird, like there's this great big elephant in the room (him not speaking to me for 6 years) which no one is bothering to address.

I was probably this sullen teen, I never liked my mums partner (there's more to this whole story) but I'll keep it brief, I was rude and would ignore the majority of the time as I didn't want him there but I would get lifts places and get picked up etc. I've changed my attitude now simply because I cannot keep up the negative energy, my mum and him think we're all best of friends now. We most certainly are not but perhaps he can't be bothered to keep the negativity anymore, it does way you down I promise.