Is it reasonable to disengage

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I've posted before about my adult stepson who basically blanked me in my own house for years and years as he thought I was the reason his parents split up (I most definitely wasn't, by they way). On top of that I've had a battle (or my husband has) to get him to pull his weight in the house and do basic things like flush the toilet, leave the bathroom in a decent state, lock doors and windows before leaving the house empty, etc. So we don't have the best relationship if I'm honest.

He's been back from Uni for the summer and staying with us a couple of nights a week. He goes back to his university next week. I've been polite, cooked for him as well as the rest of the family, etc etc. But I'm kind of keeping my distance.

Just recently he seems to have decided that he needs to make things up to me, and this has manifested itself in him wanting to stay up chatting, telling me about his problems, that kind of thing. It's important to point out that not once has he apologised for the way he treated me for years.

I'm kind of feeling like it's a little too late and whilst I won't ever be rude to him, and he is welcomed into the house, is it reasonable not to want to be some kind of second mum/confidante?

At the same time I have a 17 year old daughter who is going through a few things with school and exams, similar to many her age, and her dad quite frankly does nothing to lighten that mental load as she barely sees him (long story, totally his fault). Plus my mum is ill right now and having treatment. So I kind of feel like mentally I don't have room for anything else right now.

I realise he'll be gone next week but he'll be back at Christmas and I can't face the sudden friendliness. I just find it weird, like there's this great big elephant in the room (him not speaking to me for 6 years) which no one is bothering to address.

@chocolatesaltyballs22He doesn’t sound like a child that needs parenting anymore though, he’s an adult pretty much.
To not cause any issues, I’d just say “oh well I need to get on with x, go to bed, whatever”. If your making an effort to get on with them, then I guess that’s all you can do.

I think everyone's asked quite enough of you in terms of negotiating all this, FOR YEARS, OP.

You've got every right to make your DD the priority and while I would also urge being the bigger/more grown up person... I certainly wouldn't expect you to PRIORITISE making a huge effort to do this at a time when you are already emotionally stretched.

Great that he seems to have grown up and agree that this is some sort of olive branch.

Looks like - like other grown ups - he can't necessarily expect instant results and might just have to have a smidgen of understanding that you too might just have Stuff going on.

Thanks @FizzyGreenWater. He's going back to his Uni city this week so thankfully no more late night chats to try and negotiate, but I'm sure he'll be back at Christmas.

He’s reaching out to you- maybe that’s his way of apologising. I also have an adult ss who has always blanked me. If he made an effort I’d be delighted mainly for my dh’s sake and would reciprocate.

I’ll be honest I wouldn’t want anything to do with my step children now either really. They blanked me for years too and I disengaged.

I did make the mistake a few times when they were suddenly a bit more friendly, of being overly grateful and giving them a lot of my time, helping them again, and then getting blanked again so now I am incredibly wary. I am polite and cordial for everyone else’s sake but that is it.

But in your situation it sounds as if you could actually bring up how hard it’s been for you. You don’t need to give him an hour long lecture, but if he wants any kind of relationship, he is old enough to realize he has hurt you in the past. You could say that you feel a bit wary of him as even though he was a child, and you understand it was difficult, that you are not made of stone and it hurt your feelings.