I cant take much more of this

[aec83x]

My adult stepson moved in with us when he was 16 after a row with his mum and step dad. He doesnt work and sits about playing xbox. My partner is unemployed as he suffers from seizures triggered by stress. My stepson wouldnt get off the xbox and do the washing up one day, had a row with my partner, who then had a seizure on the stairs and my step son just did not care and stepped over him. I do have a good relationship with him, I love him but his behaviour is completely unaccaptable at times and I told him he was the most selfish individual I had ever met. He moved out and didnt speak to us for a year.

He moved back in at 18. We said he had to better himself if he was moving in so we helped him financially with driving lessons, a PT qualification etc. He then got into drugs, has a gf but has been sleeping with men. He is quite boyish looking so he has even been using pictures of my partner on gay dating sites and using this profile when people arent interested in him. I find the whole thing humiliating and a kick in the teeth. There are drug bags all over his room, he doesn't clean up after himself, he had sex with a boy on our road who then wanted revenge so sent the pics of my partner on the gay site to us. My house just feels disgusting and my partner is ill all the time at the moment, to the point I feel like his carer. We don't do anything fun. We don't go out. He is in bed most of the time.

All the pressure is on me financially, emotionally etc. We just had another row today and he was shouting at us about not wanting to do work for his PT course because he wanted to play xbox. My partner started fitting again and he kept on shouting so I lost my rag and said the stress of him being gay was the real reason everyone was losing it. It came out wrong - I didnt mean him being gay I meant the drama with the boy down the road, him using my partners pictures etc.

He left and wont talk to us now. My partner blames me.

My relationship with my partner feels so weak. He sees his son as a scared kid where as I see him as someone who is being selfish and doing what he wants with no concept of the impact his actions have on other people. I feel so guilty because I am a little bit glad he has gone, as much as I do love him. I have a demanding job, I am my partners carer and I don't have time for drama or cleaning up after someone who is capable of doing it themselves etc. Does that make me a complete b*tch?

Doesn't make you a bitch at all. I'd have thrown him out long before now, and if my partner had disagreed I'd have left.

@TrustTheGeneGenie thanks so much but to make it worse - its my house! I guess I knew I wasn't being unreasonable. I just don't know how to repair my own relationship now

You’re not a bitch at all.
I’d have snapped a long time ago.
He sounds completely entitled and an absolute nightmare. If he’s still out of the house then I would be tempted to pack a bag for him and ask him to stay somewhere else temporarily and then I would change the locks.
You have enough on your plate. I fully appreciate your partner is ill but he can’t expect you to tolerate this behaviour.
You don’t need anymore of this - you’ll make yourself ill.

How old is he now? I would have thrown him out (but I realise it’s not always that easy).

Be glad he's gone. Change the locks.

You have to protect yourself. If this awful stress gets too much for to cope with the job paying for the roof over all of your heads is at risk. It’s YOUR home. You need to kick your step son out. You don’t owe him anything. And I’m afraid if your partner doesn’t accept that then he goes too. He’s expecting way way too much from you and you have, rightly, reached breaking point.

@FoxtrotOscarPoppet when its just me and him my partner's health is usually OK (he has good and bad days). The problem is as a father he would rather take the stress and illness and have his son here where he knows he is safe rather than out escorting and doing all sorts. As a step mum I know my priorities are different. Whilst I love him I think I love who he was up until about 16 and I love my partner and value his health a lot more but my partner doesnt understand that

I wouldn't have let him move in after the first time... tbh if my partner wasn't able to contribute financially and it was going to cost me then I probably wouldn't have let him move in at all. Don't feel guilty.

@SerenityNowwwww nearly 19. His mum is useless though and I do worry about where he will go and whether we can even have a relationship with him moving forward. I am 5 weeks pregnant and have had two miscarriages before so am petrified that the stress this has caused will make it happen again.

My partner is supportive - he kicked him out before I said it. However, it doesnt take away how much he is hurting and he thinks I have 'outted him'

If you’re 5 weeks pregnant then definitely don’t let him back in!
He’s bringing trouble to your door and leaving drug bags all over his room. He is a risk to you all.
He’s had more than one chance OP. x

Yeah the boy is a pain in the arse but you need to apologise to him for the comment you made about him being gay is causing everyone to lose their mind or whatever you said. That's a terrible thing to say to someone.

He kicked him out ? Good. You are pregnant (congrats) so maybe this is the wake up call the wretch needs. Get his head out of his backside and take some responsibility (I sound like my grandma ‘a stint in the army would do him good’)

@SerenityNowwwww I think thats probably where he will end up, which might do him some good. He has gone back to his mums, she doesnt want him there and she has been trying to cart him off to the army since he was 16 so its funny you say that!

We really thought he needed to be at home and be loved so put him on a different path but now im pissed that I've paid £2000 for a PT course tomorrow that he is now not attending.

I am totally fine with him being gay - in fact I encourage it if it makes him happy and he can be comfortable with who he is. Its how he is treating people and how he is treating himself I have a problem with and me and his dad have argued all day about it again. The more he blames me the more I resent my stepson and I dont want to feel like this

Being gay is not the problem. He may be equally promiscuous if straight. His complete lack of a moral compass is the dealbreaker.

The day he stepped over his father having a seizure should have been the last day he was ever in the house.

The drugs are a dealbreaker, the strangers in the house is a dealbreaker, putting his father’s photo on a gay website and inviting blackmail and threats is a dealbreaker, exposing himself to increased risk of Covid while living with you and his vulnerable father is a dealbreaker.

Sadly, this is what your DH’s sympathetic, guilty parenting has achieved so far.

Time to either completely reset, explain the rules and be prepared to act on them OR change the locks now and bring an end to it.

Thanks all. Locks are changed. @MeridianB hit the nail on the head really, guilty and sympathetic parenting (me as much if not more so than my partner) has got us nowhere.

He is an emotional blackmailer hence last time he punished us, made up lies about my partner and didnt talk to us for a year. My partner is just devastated that it has come to this again but I see it as his choice. I'm sure he will come back to talk to us when he falls out with his mum again

Well done for being strong, @aec83x

I can’t imagine what you and DH are going through but you couldn’t carry on as it was. And sadly you can’t keep an adult out of harm’s way if they are determined to reject your advice and support.

He sounds like a nightmare...I'd be glad he's gone.

Your life sounds really difficult though

@SandyY2K It is difficult. I am really struggling to keep up with the housework as well at the moment with DH being so poorly but that will be easier with one less person in the house.

DH is not taking it all well at all. We have argued all day today and I thought the stress would be gone when his son left. I am quite a firey person and used to be in a domestically abusive relationship so when I feel something is unfair I stand my ground a little too much sometimes - I have said some things about his son that I probably shouldn't have.

So basically my step son is off prostituting himself, DH is devastated and having regular seizures again, the house is such a mess I cant find anything - there is washing everywhere in our bedroom, DH is angry at me and I cannot find any calmness anywhere in this house and cant really even escape to walk the dog as DH cant be left on his own when he is this bad. Oh and my other doggy just died. What a house to bring a baby into! arghhh

Oh dear.... please try and get a moment to yourself if you can. I didn't realise how difficult it was when I said your life sounded difficult.

It sounds like a stressful environment with everything in your shoulders.

We all say things regret in the heat of the moment, but your SS has behaved awfully.

I bet his GF isn't aware of what he's up to either.

The hooking up with men...drugs ...it's not going to end well for him.

I knew someone who got into those things (men/drugs) and he ended up dead in a ditch.

You really don't need all this and could do with a relaxed environment for your pregnancy.

Do you have any family support?

@SandyY2K His gf isnt aware no and he hasn't even been being careful so I am angry at him for putting her health at risk. I obviously cant tell her, and I feel so guilty that I know that health risk is there for her and she doesnt.

Dead in a ditch is what we are worried about. It is very easy for everyone on this post to say kick him out and they are right - we cannot have him in our home.But I feel a very deep sense of guilt now not knowing if he is OK.

Family support is good on my side but terrible on DHs, so my SS will now have noone looking out for him. His mum is very toxic and nasty and he sees my DHs parents (we dont) but they are also very toxic. DH is very private when he is ill - he doesnt like support from anyone else really as he thinks people will see him as weak (typical male ego!)

I feel incredibly alone

So he's sleeping around with men....unprotected and his GF has no clue. I know you say you can't say anything...but imagine she was your DD.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty...but he's not only cheating on her...but putting her health at risk.

It's like potentially poisoning her now and again

Sadly I can't see you life getting any easier...but do remember that self care is paramount ..otherwise you'll be run ragged and crash and burn.

@SandyY2K I know. She doesn't have much of a family life either - mum left them and dad tried to commit suicide so she was here a lot. I do feel responsible for her. I thought about sending her an anonymous message or something but getting involved kind of extends the drama and I am just trying to tidy the house and keep DH alive at the moment! What would you do? I also think she wouldnt believe anything as my SS is all she really has. I know shes heard rumblings about him cheating before and it really affected her mental health

He’s gone well done, now get rid of your partner too.
It’s your house you call the shots.
You’ve been in an abusive relationship before and it sounds like you still are.

@7yo7yo DH isn't abusive! DH is angry at me that I outted his son mid argument, and rightly so. It was a fuck up on my part.

Well done for getting him out.

How have you outted him? Unless your partner thinks there is something wrong being gay/bi?

Apologise to SS about the homophobic comment and tell him clearly his drug taking is the main issue so he can't live with you.

As you are pregnant you can't allow a drug user particularly one who leaves bags of drugs around back into your house. He sounds like he may be dealing.

Regardless you need to protect your child.

I also wouldn't be surprised if your SS is playing his parents off against each other, and it actually both you and his step-father who sees him for the shit he's behaving like.