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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Trip away issues.

51 replies

Previouslyidentified · 16/08/2020 09:03

Will try to keep this as unidentifiable as possible!
I have a 1 preschool child with my partner, He has 1 about to start collage.

Dsc lives with mum but visits often, sees dad every other weekend etc etc.
Maintenance is paid, half of other costs, regular FaceTime contact, one on one time as they share a hobby.
I get on well with dsc.

Current issue.

Finances are tight , dad rightly pays maintenance from his own finances and I, if feeling so inclined will occasionally treat dsc from my own.
We do share our pot once our own individual commitments are accounted for.

Start of the year dsc was planning a 'big' prom night, dad went halves (was quite a bit of money!) No issue with this, even though it didn't go ahead.
Mum got refunded for the majority and nothing has been said.

Dsc had several abroad trips booked with mum planned.
I have arranged a few days away specifically aimed for children under 5.
Booked and paid for by me. It's during term time as I couldn't afford school holiday prices, for my child. Both myself and dad would be going on said trip too.
Dad couldn't afford to contribute to this trip as he gave dsc a hefty amount of money for prom so this was all on me.

Long story short, mum's trip with dsc didn't happen (as it turns out she's not actually booked anything) and she is furious that I have arranged a trip for my child and not included dsc. Dsc will be at collage!)
Tried explaining that I had a very limited budget and couldn't actually afford to go on said trip during school holidays and it wasn't something dsc would enjoy as it is so focused on a pre schooler.
Dsc was included in our 'big trip' which has since been cancelled (Thanks covid) which involved staying at a friend's cottage. So again limited budget!

So I guess I'm trying to work out if AIBU for not including dsc is this little trip focused on my dc?

My own thinking was dsc got something they really wanted from dad so I was fine to do something focused on my dc.
I should also point out that the total cost of the few days away was half of what dad handed over for prom.
It just feels very much like dsc is free to do whatever they wish and with whomever , lots of lovely treats and one on one time but if i/we do anything with my dc it must include dsc at all times.

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 16/08/2020 10:42

Of course it's not unreasonable to plan a trip for your younger child. You're not responsible for financing your stepson and quite frankly it's got naff all to do with the ex. Ignore her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2020 10:46

Don’t be daft. What you plan and pay for for your own child is no one else’s business. If they were both your own children it still wouldn’t be an issue.

And it’s not okay that your partner is spending so much on one of his children he can’t afford to pitch in for something special for the other. He chose to have two children, he should be investing in them both.

Don’t give this any head space at all.

JenandFlo · 16/08/2020 10:53

YANBU. This has been a very difficult year and it’s not your fault that your plans which included your DSS couldn’t go ahead.

Enjoy your break and don’t engage.

(But I would want to make sure that DSS received the prom money paid by my family to put towards something else, rather than going straight to his DM).

FlySheMust · 16/08/2020 10:59

YANBU. DM is taking the piss.

Knittingontheroof · 16/08/2020 11:03

Why doesn't DSC have a part time job and chip in themselves?

funinthesun19 · 16/08/2020 11:18

It just feels very much like dsc is free to do whatever they wish and with whomever , lots of lovely treats and one on one time but if i/we do anything with my dc it must include dsc at all times.

Ugh, it’s usually the case when it comes to stepchildren! They must be included in absolutely everything the stepmum’s children are doing, but also should have lots of treats away from the stepmum’s children too. In other words they should have absolutely everything.

Dsc’s mum is being ridiculous and mums like her are so irritating. They think the world revolves around their children. What makes it worse is that you’re going somewhere aimed at small children and she’s kicking up a fuss that her almost college aged child hasn’t been invited along. At least dsc has a prom to look forward to so dsc’s mum can focus on that and be happy and excited about that for her child.

Yanbu in the slightest, and your children need one on one time away from half/step siblings just as much as older half/step siblings do.

Countrysidelife54 · 16/08/2020 11:23

Yanbu their mum is being ridiculous.

Original poster
Previouslyidentified · 16/08/2020 12:25

Dsd is attempting to get a job however mum isn't keen. Covid being the reason apparently.
I didnt mind dad paying out so much for prom, its an expensive thing and she is the only daughter. His money, his choice and tbf I didn't actually have this little trip planned.
I had a little disposable income when I booked it and thought it would be nice for my child to have some quality time with us.
Quality time is plentiful for dsd, as I said shared hobby which my child is too young for so it's not like it's unequal for her in terms of time with her dad.

According to mum ,dsd kicked off and " sobbed into her pillow" when she found out we were going without her.. hasn't actually said anything to either of us about this. Just her mum.

I'm a bit annoyed about the guilt being placed on ME in terms of being unfair.
It really does feel like my child is never allowed to do anything without dsd.

I did point out to dsd that if/when her mum takes her away I would never assume nor have the arse ache about not taking her half sibling with them. It would be ridiculous to do so!
She's said it's different as her dad is going to.
Thus my uncertainty if I am being unreasonable here or not. Confused

As for the prom money (mum has pocketed it and will apparently still buy the dress for the end of her collage education. A levels levers party?
Won't happen, her dad will still get a request for half and he knows it.
His issue to take up with her, not mine!

OP posts:
Giespeace · 16/08/2020 13:16

A college aged young adult kicking off and sobbing because her toddler half sibling is getting a little trip without her? Does she kick off when he gets chocolate buttons and she doesn’t too? Has she no self awareness whatsoever that her DF has just dropped £££ on her alone and that not everything is about her?
There are not enough eye rolls in the world for this. I’d wind my neck right in and let her parents deal with the entitled twit they have created Hmm
I’d also be wondering out loud about whether DH feels he will ever be contributing as generously towards his second child as his first.

funinthesun19 · 16/08/2020 13:41

Sobbing in to her pillow because her toddler sibling is going somewhere aimed at toddlers without her. That’s ridiculous. And her mum is indulging all of this so it’s no wonder dsc is being a little drama queen.

Does she kick off when he gets chocolate buttons and she doesn’t too?
Grin

Has she no self awareness whatsoever that her DF has just dropped £££ on her alone and that not everything is about her?
Exactly. And with a mum acting the way she is acting, it won’t get any better. The mum is the one indulging it all.

dontdisturbmenow · 16/08/2020 14:20

I doubt it's anything to do with wanting to go with you guys but wishing her dad would want to take her on a day out too.

If he paid for half the prom months ago, doesn't he have a couple of hundreds to take her away for a day somewhere she'd like?

You've done nothing wrong, but it's sad that her dad usually to spend a special day with his youngest but not his eldest.

RandomMess · 16/08/2020 14:24

Your DH needs to speak to DSD about the holiday, he also needs to ask for his share of the prom money back so he can treat DSD to something that is appropriate for 16 year olds rather than little DC...

funinthesun19 · 16/08/2020 14:25

The op has said the sd has plenty of one on one time with her dad.

MellowBird85 · 16/08/2020 14:28

Agree with @Giespeace! Christ she needs to get a grip quickly.

And why did you even explain yourself to her DM? I’d have told her to sod off, none of her business! How do these people even cope with real life 😑

Coffeepot72 · 16/08/2020 14:31

It just feels very much like dsc is free to do whatever they wish and with whomever , lots of lovely treats and one on one time but if i/we do anything with my dc it must include dsc at all times.

There is a train of thought, particularly on MN, which suggests a step child should be included in every trip with every household, otherwise he/she will suffer irreparable damage.

funinthesun19 · 16/08/2020 14:59

There is a train of thought, particularly on MN, which suggests a step child should be included in every trip with every household, otherwise he/she will suffer irreparable damage.

Yep. Annoying!

Giespeace · 16/08/2020 15:02

There is a train of thought, particularly on MN, which suggests a step child should be included in every trip with every household, otherwise he/she will suffer irreparable damage

Who else remembers the thread earlier this year where the OP wanted to take her DD on a day out, just the two of them, and was told that she shouldn’t have married her DSC father if she didn’t want to include them and that they may commit suicide in adulthood due to the trauma? Seriously.
It’s beyond a joke at times. It really, really is.

funinthesun19 · 16/08/2020 15:08

Yep I remember that thread. It’s ridiculous. Probably a bunch of mums who can’t stand the thought of their little darlings not being the centre of the stepmum’s attention.

kerkyra · 16/08/2020 15:21

Depends what you've booked.
If it's a couple of days to Lapland which is aimed at the under fives then ofcourse she'd want to tag along.

A trip to Thomasland,not so much!

Original poster
Previouslyidentified · 16/08/2020 15:47

It is actually peppa pig world!
Very ,very much preschooler focused.

Dad can't afford to take dsd away solo, he blew his budget on her prom, we've had covid which hasn't been kind to us (much like many people).
He's also paid for her to go away with both kids grandparents (couldn't afford to pay for both) so she's getting something my child isn't, I have no issue with that, she's older and my child is too young to notice.

Its winging its way to collage starting time, he gave dad £250 for clothing (in his budget) and she's requested driving lessons for Xmas.

He cannot pay for everything, the money just is not here.

So it seems to me that I'm expected to pay for her if I choose to do something with my own child. More so if I pay for my partner ,my child's father to attend)
If that's the case then I couldn't not manage to afford it at all.

Something needs to give here and I'd rather it's not my sanity!

For the person saying it's about her wanting to go away with just her father. This entire year my child has had one day out minus DSD with both parents.
Dsd and dad share an expensive hobby which means she gets one full day a fortnight with just her and dad.

It's not for a lack of trying to be fair. Dad is juggling all the balls but it is really starting to feel like my child must be last at all times.
I wanted this one thing just for my child, its literally 2 days away in a premier inn with a peppa pig world day in the middle. That's it, not that exciting but my child will love it. It's all booked and paid for by me, from my wage.
Yet I'm being made out to be the wicked witch for not including an almost 17 year old .

Blending families is tough!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/08/2020 16:35

Your DSD if she is complaining needs to be reminded that she has had xyz that her little sibling hasn't had and how is that "fair" if they should each have the "same"

Your DH needs to grow a backbone with his ex and tell her to butt out.

funinthesun19 · 16/08/2020 17:15

I had a feeling it might be Peppa Pig World.

I bet when sd was a toddler she went to things aimed at her age group. It’s ds’s turn now.

dontdisturbmenow · 16/08/2020 17:20

Its winging its way to collage starting time, he gave dad £250 for clothing (in his budget) and she's requested driving lessons for Xmas
Then he needs to ask her what she'd prefer.

Dsc was included in our 'big trip' which has since been cancelled (Thanks covid) which involved staying at a friend's cottage. So again limited budget!
Why was it cancelled? People are allowed to stay in cottages. Could it be that she believes the money from the cancellation has been used to pay the two days away? If this was booked months ago, surely she already knew about it?

Original poster
Previouslyidentified · 16/08/2020 17:43

The cottage belongs to a friend of mine, its abroad and unfortunately still has travel restrictions ( we cannot afford to isolate for 2 weeks when we get back) so no one is going this year.
We do go every year and she is always included. (We are very fortunate that this friend allows us to stay at her place during high season!)

She's known about the trip away for my child for months , she was perfectly fine about it as she was supposed to be going away abroad with her own mother.
This change of attitude appears to have come about when she's realised her mother didn't actually book anything. We didn't know this either until 2 weeks ago!)

We simply cannot afford to book anything big this year on top of all the other expenses and loss of income due to covid.

She has already had the money for clothing, and she is desperate to be driving by 17. It's 275 for a block of 10 lessons these days and her mum is supposedly buying her 10 also.
Dad has already had to say no he can't afford it to the request for a car and insurance for her first year.
He runs 1 car and I cannot afford to run any so just wasn't affordable.

Realistically this will now be the only trip away this year for us. Her mum is still planning on booking abroad for October half term( dad paid for the passport) although unsure how realistic this is as she has form for saying she'll do loads of things and not following through. Hmm

I'm so fed up. This wasn't supposed to be some big drama. She has of course had all her childhood things with both mum,dad together and apart.
It's apparently just my child who is not permitted to do things without her.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 16/08/2020 19:58

How does the ex even know about your Peppa trip? She needs to know less bout your lives.

It’s none of her business. Ignore her. Completely.

I guarantee DSD doesn’t want to go and didn’t ‘sob’ about it. DH can ask her himself. “Your mum mentioned you were really upset about not coming with us to Peppa Pig World. Do you want to chat about it?” I guarantee DSD won’t know what he’s talking about.

The benefits to your DH of having a college age child is that he doesn’t need to deal with an ex as much. He can make plans with DSD direct.

He is silly for not asking for prom cash back.

Anyway, enjoy your holiday and forget all about this nonsense.