Trip away issues.

[Previouslyidentified]

Will try to keep this as unidentifiable as possible!
I have a 1 preschool child with my partner, He has 1 about to start collage.

Dsc lives with mum but visits often, sees dad every other weekend etc etc.
Maintenance is paid, half of other costs, regular FaceTime contact, one on one time as they share a hobby.
I get on well with dsc.

Current issue.

Finances are tight , dad rightly pays maintenance from his own finances and I, if feeling so inclined will occasionally treat dsc from my own.
We do share our pot once our own individual commitments are accounted for.

Start of the year dsc was planning a 'big' prom night, dad went halves (was quite a bit of money!) No issue with this, even though it didn't go ahead.
Mum got refunded for the majority and nothing has been said.

Dsc had several abroad trips booked with mum planned.
I have arranged a few days away specifically aimed for children under 5.
Booked and paid for by me. It's during term time as I couldn't afford school holiday prices, for my child. Both myself and dad would be going on said trip too.
Dad couldn't afford to contribute to this trip as he gave dsc a hefty amount of money for prom so this was all on me.

Long story short, mum's trip with dsc didn't happen (as it turns out she's not actually booked anything) and she is furious that I have arranged a trip for my child and not included dsc. Dsc will be at collage!)
Tried explaining that I had a very limited budget and couldn't actually afford to go on said trip during school holidays and it wasn't something dsc would enjoy as it is so focused on a pre schooler.
Dsc was included in our 'big trip' which has since been cancelled (Thanks covid) which involved staying at a friend's cottage. So again limited budget!

So I guess I'm trying to work out if AIBU for not including dsc is this little trip focused on my dc?

My own thinking was dsc got something they really wanted from dad so I was fine to do something focused on my dc.
I should also point out that the total cost of the few days away was half of what dad handed over for prom.
It just feels very much like dsc is free to do whatever they wish and with whomever , lots of lovely treats and one on one time but if i/we do anything with my dc it must include dsc at all times.

Am I being unreasonable here?

Chances are she may have sobbed about it. Teenage hormones and all that. Reading all of your posts, I feel like her crying was more to do with the fact that her own mum has let her down and not arranged something nice for her but you are still going away and actually sorted this little trip for your son. She probably feels like peppa pig world together as a family is better than nothing at all and now is missing out because of her mum not booking something as planned. I think it is potentially something that has been blown out of proportion and as long as she knows that both you and her Dad are happy and willing to talk to her about any of her worries and concerns then she will feel comfortable to talk to one of you about this if it is really bothering her. Let the mum's comments go over your head, she is just projecting so that she doesnt look bad to her daughter but you can be the bad guy instead.

The daughter is free to feel whatever she feels. Her feelings are neither right not wrong. They are simply her feelings.

You are free to feel as you feel. Your feelings are your feelings. You cannot blame the daughter for your response to her feelings.

You can acknowledge her feelings but inform her that you do share her logic.

You are giving this far more head space than the situation warrants. You should have said to the mom that you were sorry that the daughter was feeling out of sorts about the plans but that sometimes happens with siblings.

You are giving this situation a shelf life that it does not deserve. When you have kids, they may be sad or unhappy sometimes. Such is life.

Ask for the prom money back.

Does she know that PEppa pig world is part of Paultons Park so actually there is a fair bit there that DSD would enjoy that isn't aimed at toddler themed so she's upset that she's not invited as she thinks she could go off with her dad to the other main park?

You need to step away from any dealings with the ex-wife, it's one for your DH to sort out, just don't engage from now on.

17 is an awkward age and this probably is about more than the trip, but your child shouldn't miss out either.

Can DH have a grown up chat with his daughter about how irrational it is not to get a job when millions of others manage it?

This problem came up last year, or something very similar. I got absolutely roasted for saying I don’t take my SD on any holidays as she ruins them. I did send her a postcard though . Get selfish OP and get a backbone it’s going to be long ride.

It all kicked off last weekend.

Dad Spoke to dsd, apparently she DID cry and is pretty annoyed she didn't get an invite to peppa pig world.
Dad explained that it was only fair her sibling got something just for them as she has also got a lot of solo stuff.
He tried to reason with her, she'd actual gone put with her 'own' grandparents for the day, treated to breakfast, lunch and tea out plus a lovely shopping trip. My child was of course not invited as they are not his family!
She came home laden with bags of stuff, showing off and when told to wind it in, and did she see the point that she is able to do stuff on her own she kicked off.

Apparently I'm a bitch and as dad is both kids dad he shouldn't ever! Do stuff without her, irrelevant who pays, apparently I shouldn't have booked anything if I couldn't afford to take them both.

She stormed out , rung mum to pick her up, mum showed up at my door shouting and swearing refusing to speak to dad as she wanted " words with me".
I don't do well with conflict, it tends to send me into a panic, my child was scared and I wasn't much better.
Half an hour this woman stood at my door with dsd absolutely loving the drama behind her.

I thought I had a good relationship with dsd, I was all kinds of wrong.

They both left after dad told her he'd be ringing the police If she didn't stop.

All of this because I booked a trip with my own money, for my own child.
I'm a mixture of furious and desperately sad.

The kicker, she's ignored us all week, but texted me on Thursday with a picture of her exam results asking "how much money are we going to give her for doing so well" ?

Oddly enough, I haven't responded just passed it over to dad.
Wtaf am I supposed to do here!

Complete name change failure there. Was trying to keep the dsd stuff separate from my other posts.

Oh dearie me. The poor, abandoned and neglected DSD...
It reminds me of a woman to woman talk I had to have with my DSD when she was about 5/6. I’d taken her out and spent a small fortune on her and we had a lovely time. She then proceed to ruin it by whinging, whining and crying because she wanted more more more.
So I told her that if all I was going to get in return was bad manners and a sore head, I wouldn’t be spending any of my own pennies on her at all. I’d spend them on myself because I don’t owe her anything.
Stuck by that.
Now when I do nice things for her or buy nice things for her I get a thank you and a smile and everybody has a nice time.

It’s very clear that nobody had that chat with your DSD and I don’t know if it’s too late now. If she’s not matured a bit by 17, when will she?
Stand your ground. Don’t explain, apologise otherwise engage on this again. Not your problem. Don’t let them make it your problem. And certainly don’t let them make it your child’s problem.

TBH I would stop DD having any solo stuff with her Dad long enough to make a point.

The shared hobby, Dad no longer takes as it's not far on the younger one, shopping trips, can't get a lift after little one is on bed as it's not fair. On and on and on.

Regarding demanding money, I think DH needs to tell her that he doesn't have any and he isn't going to ask you to pay after the way both she and her Mum have behaved towards you.

Really up to your DH to gain a backbone and deal with DSD and his ex. I cannot believe he let her speak to you like that after the first sentence. You should have just told her to come back when she could be civil and shut the door in her face.

Tell DSD to ask for the refund of the prom money from her Mum if she wants a reward for her exams or she can use it to come to Peppa Pig World.

Honestly from now on DH doesn't see DSD without the youngest, I really think DSD will agree that both of them always being there isn't much fun.

It isn't about Peppa Pig World it's about pure jealousy and I suspect the Ex has fuelled it for years with sniping comments.

Op, never mind Peppa Pig being a brat. Your stepd is being a brat and her mother is disgrace for enabling it all. Boo hoo her precious daughter didn’t get to go to Peppa Pig World. She wants words with you?! Ffs! If she does it again ring the police for harassment. Seriously. And I can picture the stepdaughter in the background looking smug.

I’m SO glad your DH/DP stood up for you! Far too many men stand idly by while their partner gets a load of shit from the ex wife and stepchildren.

Don’t give her any money for her exam results. Congratulate her of course, but she does not deserve any treats. Might cause more shit to hit the fan but it sends out a strong message that needs to be heard.

The worst thing out the entire lot is I thought she and I had a decent relationship.
I have never regarded (nor treated her) as my child's "Half sister" she actually gets away with a ton more than I permit my son to get away with.
If he does not say please and thank you then no treats for him.
I'm pretty strict with manners and decent behaviour. He is by no means an angel but he's a pre schooler!

Mums been blowing up my phone demanding to know why I haven't sent dsd "her money".
I was sorely tempted to reply with a arsy message of my own but just said she needs to speak to dad.

The money for her exams was never guaranteed. Dad had said way back when she flunked her mocks that if she done really well he'd SEE if his budget allowed a little reward for her.
As it happens his doesn't, but I'm being asked (by dsd and mum!) If I'll give her it!

I do not know what bloody planet they are on at the minute to even ask after the carry on at the weekend.
I won't be handing over anything.

Dad is standing firm for now but I know what he's like with his daughter, he like all parents wants her to be happy and is a bit of a walk over with her at times.
He is furious though so unsure what he'll do here.

I talk to him of course but as it's his child I'm very much of the opinion that it's his choice how to deal with her.
However, he is under no illusion that she will not be welcome into our home until she apologises properly for her behaviour and realises that I will not be spoken to the way she spoke to me last week.

I have no idea what is going on, DSD has never behaved like this before, ever, not with me anyway.

I think her Mum has possibly whipped her up into a frenzy tbh.

Is your DH treated like a cash machine, because reading between the lines it seems that way.

@RandomMess

Is your DH treated like a cash machine, because reading between the lines it seems that way.

He can be, but although he has , when finances have permitted it, spoiled her and gave her pretty much whatever she's requested but they always seemed have have respect for each other.

They have enjoyed their hobby and spending time together over the years.
Was related when her sibling arrived, have been super involved and doted on him whenever she's seen him.
This is like a completely different child and I'm at a complete loss.
I'm worried about the damage this is going to do for our blended family life, the impact on my son who adores his sister!

Mums been blowing up my phone demanding to know why I haven't sent dsd "her money".
I was sorely tempted to reply with a arsy message of my own but just said she needs to speak to dad.

You wouldn’t be in the wrong to send her an arsey reply back. Sometimes people need to be told. But I think if your DP will stick up for you and won’t be a wimp then he’ll make sure the ex is put in her place and you won’t need to deal with the stress of engaging with her. But if at any point you feel like telling her to fuck off, you’re very entitled to do so!

The mum is a cheeky bitch expecting you to give her daughter some money. If the dad can’t afford it then it’s tough.

OP, you might be better off blocking both their phone numbers. I don’t know if I’d be strong enough to not reply to these demands in the tone and words they deserve.
It would be start along the lines of
“I can’t explain to you how few fucks I give what you and your brat say/want/do. I’m sure your reasons why you think I owe you and your child anything are fascinating to the man in the pub but I just don’t give a shit. Toodle pip.”
And I’d absolutely LOVE imagining the outrage at the other end of that text, while proceeding to delete them both from my phone.
But that’s probably not good if you want to eventually fix the relationship. So I’d just go straight to blocking them and leave her father to deal with her.

"dSD was told by her dad if she did well they he would see if his budget allowed her a reward. I think u need to ask him as really it is nothing to do with me"

The other situation has for way out of hand. Have they not gone off and done their hobby together this week?

Dsd is her huff said she didn't want to do hobby this weekend. Mum is taking her clothes shopping (with the money dad handed over!) For collage clothes.
Normally fine as things change but dad is feeling it this weekend as he also really looks forward to this time with her.
It's 'their thing' so he's sad he's been bombed out but will get over it.

I've took advice and blocked mum.. dsd is now blowing up my phone asking why I've blocked mum, still not apologised for the carry on from her last qeek (dont expwct her to apologise for her mum!)

Christ on a stick, what a complicated mess.

“DSD I’m not here to be harassed by or to pay anything for you. You are now going to be blocked too.”

Don't block people. Reply and tell them to go to the dad as it has nothing to do with u and they are speaking to the wrong person

Yanbu. Just ignore her.

And the dad needs to ask for the prom money back... don’t know why he hasn’t.

If I was her dad I'd say okay DD, from now on we are doing nothing that doesn't include your younger sibling because as you say, I'm both of your dad's. So unfortunately less money for clothes as I'll have to give younger sibling the same of course, can't do our hobby as younger sibling can't join in, can't have any one on one time, no driving lessons until younger sibling is also old enough for the same etc etc etc... Bet she changes her tune then.

I'd be ashamed to have raised such a selfish 17 year old tbh.

Totally unreasonable of DSD to be included. Your household have a right to have trips and treats with and without her.

I would put together the additional cost of including DSD in the trip, surely less than her Dad’s contribution to her prom, forward the costs to DSD’s Mum and suggests she repays the prom contribution to pay for the trip. I’m sure it will soon become clear that DSD isn’t really that interested!