Step kid’s mum not isolating.

[Itshotoday]

My step kids are great. We have them every other weekend and the odd additional week over the last few months.

My issue is my husband and I have worked throughout lockdown with our children here And We have seen more of my step children. That bit’s all good but we have isolated otherwise. I’ve had no childcare whilst working. My parents have health conditions and I am close to them so it has really hurt not having time with them and of course they haven’t been able to help out with childcare. It’s been challenging.

It’s been brilliant having step kids over. BUT the issue is with mum: she has seen her boyfriend and his children through lock down. She has been abroad - went last week, she has been out for meals in the last few nights (saying doing her bit for Boris), seen friends throughout lockdown but told the kids her friend round for drinks but told the kids her friends had had -ve Covid tests.

I work for the nhs. I just feel so upset. I’m negative for antibodies but struggling as I feel we have really compromised. I know I’m so lucky everyone is well but I really want to see my parents and can’t expose them.

I don’t want to cause war between myself and the step mum.

I came hear to moan because if I discuss with my husband he gets cross with her which isn’t helpful because he won’t talk to her about it. She asked him to lie to the kids when she went on holiday because it may upset them but he said he wouldn’t and was so cross she went and asked him to lie he was stressed and angry at home.

They’re lovely kids. I know this is all part of being a step mum but it feels so disheartening. We’ve always had an ok relationship with the mum, she’s an interesting character 😁 v beautiful works hard but can be very selfish and has quite a tunnel vision view of the world, she was the one who had the affair many years ago so she’s always accepted me.

If we say anything she won’t listen and she can be really nasty and the relationship with the step children and us is brilliant. We get to see the children a lot.

I just feel what’s the point of us even isolating. Sigh.

Is your complaint that she has mixed households? And not isolated following a holiday?

On the face of what you're saying, if she lives with her boyfriend, there is no difference between him seeing his children and you seeing the step children. If they have mixed households then technically it wasn't allowed but I suspect a lot of people made decisions to mix in that way but were careful in how they went about their daily business so were at no additional risk.

We are now allowed to leave the county with the caveat that we isolate upon return and we are allowed to go to restaurants so there is nothing at all you can do about that. If she hasn't isolated following the holiday then you could refuse to have the children for a couple of weeks to be sure?

You can't force another household to do things the way you want to do it. I have a vulnerable child who has been visiting his father and I would be pretty sure he hasn't followed guidelines to the letter as we have but I am not prepared to fight with him about it. The chances of community transmission now is really very low so if you are being sensible yourselves, I see no reason whatsoever for you to have some socially distanced time with your parents outside? Can you not see them in the garden for a cup of tea and a chat?

Hi

Thanks for responding.my issue is I feel we are being extra careful as to avoid getting anything so that the future Hope is we can stay with my parents.

During lockdown you’re right issue is she has a child (Also lives with her and he sees his dad too) with another man with another family and new boyfriend with his children we’re staying With her - so they will be exposed to their mum and family too. I appreciate blended families, and but on top of that going out (to friends and now our for meals and drinks) and going abroad. So exposing herself and thus I’m frustrated as I feel we wear masks avoid going out. She also has accommodation in London so has stayed their to visit a friend during lockdown. The guidelines have changed but surely caution Should continue. There’s nothing I can do to change it I guess.

I can’t control what she does and I do understand she would otherwise be alone at home. I feel we need to be more cautious, although agree with you that perhaps risk is lower at the moment and now Is the time to mingle whilst risk is lower.

Personally I’m still careful. It’s mainly because I had planned to stay or for my son to stay at my parents house in the summer. If my parents were to contact the virus they are Extremely high risk of not doing well.

My husband relished all the time he has with the children. He won’t want to cancel seeing them. I don’t know where else my son and I could isolate prior to seeing my folks🤔

I suppose it’s a part vent of frustration as I can’t change anything another family does. I also have frustrations with social gatherings! What’s the point of it all.

Now issue is how to ensure we see my parents and not give it to them.

I’m a bit confused. It sounds like she may have broken some of the rules during lockdown but you’re also listing a bunch of things she is allowed (and in fact encouraged) to do now, like eating out. You can’t expect her to limit her life beyond the current guidelines so that you can see your parents. That’s not a reasonable ask of her long term.

Why did your husband refuse to keep the holiday from the kids?

And why are you still isolating?

Your post reads disingenuously, why don't you write what you actually think of your step kids mum. It'll make you feel better

I’m not isolating - but I am being careful. 😂 I’m not sure writing to the mum will be helpful

No I mean write here on this thread what you actually think...

I’m sorry post reads as “.disingenuously“. I’m sure I have faults too that could be listed and the boy’s mum is not all bad but I think his avenue it’s frustrating and explaining my upset. Perhaps looking for empathy and a solution both of which you have not provided

Sorry I’m obviously highly defensive. I suppose it’s a tall ask for long term but short term? Sigh I don’t know. Other option I was thinking is of getting a test to check We don’t have it prior to going.

Op, I’m with you! Read my thread about handovers on neutral ground. We are not in exactly the same position, but I understand what you mean completely.

In an ideal world all parties could discuss things, but that’s rarely the case.

It does feel like everything is lifting far too quickly and it’s quite scary. I’m at risk of redundancy and I wonder what is the point in ever locking down when it’s all being lifted so quickly anyway. I’m terrified of another winter lockdown...more because of my child missing out in more education etc.

When the ex brought her child to mine straight from a sleepover, I cried for 2 days and cancelled plans to visit my elderly relatives. I get how you feel.

The only thing you can do is be as careful as you can. Pointless in talking to ex’s as they will do what they want regardless of anyone else’s feelings

You cannot expect your husband’s ex to restrict her life and isolate for weeks on end to protect your parents.m

Did you offer to keep the kids for longer when she came back from holiday?

Didn't mean to be unsupportive, I've been the stepparent (although not in lockdown) so I know where you're coming from. I was just saying that you clearly can't stand the woman - if it's a vent you're looking for you may as well go for it!

@Twodots you cried for two days? I don't really understand why it was not okay for her to go to a sleepover but you were going to visit your elderly relatives. You should have gone before the kid came back rather than expected them to isolate so that you could
Go and see people

You can't control another person but you can control how you react to her.

In your case you know she doesn't give a f#*! so you need to make all your plans with that in mind from now on even if we get a vaccine for Covid-19.

Birthdaybellle 😂 that actually really made me laugh. she can be ok - we’re just opposites!

RedRumTheHorse - I think you’ve probably got it spot on - I really pray for a vaccine. I was so annoyed antibodies were negative.

Excelled yourself to be fair no And that would have been a better idea, then again she was on london on her return anyway!we only found out the weekend they were here. I just didn’t think I was too busy fuming

• the eldest is now going back to school too and we’re working. It’s an idea though to have them for a couple of weeks and then during that time we cannot stay at home and isolate- That’s actually a really good point!

I can honestly say lockdown has been really hard with working and kids - no childcare and I know first world problems and all that. I’m thankful my parents have stayed well but we had a diagnosis at the start of lockdown which has made me more paranoid.

Howaboutanewname - I didn’t expect complete isolation - genuinely. I appreciate no one should be on their own. We’re not talking a Slightly extended bubble here we’re talking exposing to so many people. It’s not been easy For anyone when I see people just not being considerate I think what’s the point.

Two dots I’m sorry to hear about your job. I think when there are so many other stresses it can feel overwhelming at times. I don’t think transmission would be that quick I’m not sure though. To be honest I don’t know much about coronovirus as I don’t think anyone does. I think when someone else makes a decision that impacts you it’s such a challenge. In this case there’s a lot of fear involved combined with frustration. Like someone else said you can’t control someone else. It’s really not easy and I’m someone, who despite my posts above avoids confrontation at all costs.

RedRumTheHorse - rereading your words. I don’t react I’m also really kind towards her (she must see through it) but internally I get really hurt and the internal dialogue I have isn’t that nice. Not to be too dramatic about it and it’s really hard. The good thing is the kids are in a good place, I have to say fair play they’re good kids so it’s not worth a war. What can I do? I don’t mention it to anyone else and it just makes my partner cross so what’s the point. You’re right through it’s how I react for all the future.

I would just love to drive to my parents stay with them, have some time with them and know they’re safe. I would also selfishly love to go out for a drink, go on holiday but I’m not going to. We’re all selfish at times I get that. I know she couldn’t care less about my family’s health and some people can relate and agree with that why
Would she?

I get it - It’s pretty rubbish being at the mercy of other people’s choices. Although working in the NHS yourself I think that you would not be being out of order to say that a different arrangement with your step kids is necessary as she is going abroad etc. She’s supposed to self isolate for 2 weeks if she does that and so does all of her kids. You work with vulnerable people and not surprisingly you don’t want to bring her coronavirus into work.

If I were you I would be taking some lines about this and not just taking it and ‘putting up’ or ‘getting out yourself’ as some people have suggested. Take some control. Explain to your step kids that you are continuing to work in the NHS with very vulnerable people and you need to be extra careful. Draw them a diagram of how people pass on - so their step mum is making choices and their friends may be making choices etc - and say that some of these are going to be above the limit of risk that you are prepared to accept.

For example I would have either had the kids for the whole two weeks after their mum had gone abroad - or not seen the kids for weeks. Get the kids to be extra careful in your house - say better ventilation inside and not sharing towels, making food.

In a way it’s very tricky to respond directly to the risks appropriately - but if you voice and action that you are not prepared to just take any old risk through them - then at least that message will filter through. It may also make your step kids - if done right - stick up for you and question their mother a bit.

@birthdaybelle visiting someone 2 meters away in their garden is completely different to a sleepover. Yes, I was upset. We are all I. Different places over the virus.
How could I have gone before if I had no idea the sleepover was happening?

Hi,

It’s so rubbish to be feeling like you’re being extra careful to keep everyone safe in not only your house but also safe for SC!

I’m in a different but similar situation of being pregnant with our first baby and SC mother not sticking to the rules even from back in March. She wants to send them to school and bubble with her friends which is all logical and safe by the gov guidelines but makes me feel no better trying to keep my baby safe.

I know children aren’t likely to pass it along and all that but it makes me feel so uneasy all the swapping around houses.

It must also be extremely difficult to feel like you’re having to put others before you being able to see your parents. No matter how civil the relationship with a DP ex or how lovely the relationship is with SC is hard to be compromising like that for other people!

No grand advice but just big virtual hugs! Xx

If you were posting this in April, I’d get it

But in mid July
With the huge easing

I think that ship has sailed and you shouldn’t get too worked up about it now