Regretting getting involved.

[Justbecause88]

Does anyone ever regret getting involved with someone with kids and an Ex wife? I feel constantly like I’m the lowest priority to my DH. He tells me all the time he loves his kids more and they come first. I understand that, I’ve got a 10 month old DS (with my DH) who I love very much. But I wouldn’t keep telling my husband how much more important he is to me then him. He puts his own happiness, wants and needs way way below his DS’s, and as a result our lives are totally dictated by his ex and the kids. His ex hates me and I can’t do right for wrong with her, if I get involved I’m interfering and if I back off she rings my DH and asks why I have an issue with her DS. She makes life really difficult on purpose, my DH will bend over backwards as a result and me and my DS are forgotten about.
Surely life should involve your kids not revolve entirely around them (once teenagers, not talking about young kids here). I’m feeling like I really regret it all (not my DS of course) and should have found someone with no baggage.

Of course it should involve not revolve but separated parents often feel a lot of guilt and over compensate.

Has your OH always been like this or is it since you had your baby?

His love for his kids should be different to his love for you, not greater and he certainly shouldn't be telling you that

But they should come before you as such. You should all be a priority at different times of that makes sense? You are a unit and you cannot play second fiddle to children all the time in adult relationship that's awful!

Can I ask how many kids and what ages? Do you have a good relationship with them? Xx

Thanks for your replies, DH has always been very involved and put his children first. I found this attractive at the start as along side this he was making me feel important too. Now he’s very short with me about the older boys (aged 14 & 17), if I say anything negative he accuses me of having an issue with them. When I try and raise how it makes me feel he just tells me again they are more important to him. I feel like I have a good relationship with them, but I think the younger one might have been having a whinge to his mother (I am quite firm about some things but don’t do any disciplining). As she’s been making lots of negative comments about me to my DH. I feel at the moment like it’s a bit ‘us and them’ with my DS and me and him and the older boys and even his ex.

Ask him how he intends to vary contact with all 3 of his dc when your marriage fails.. Suggest Cms split 3 ways will enrage his ex and how will he pacify her?
He needs to be looking at reality scenarios imo.

That's awful, especially at their ages they don't need your DS for general 'care' as such it's should blend easier at his age not harder! Do your SC have a good relationship with your child together?

I couldn't live that way, you need to tell him to start treating you like a partner or you won't be sticking around!

I'd cut my losses with this man. He and his ex sound absolutely horrible and I wouldn't want anything to do with them.

Obviously you would still need to have contact with him over your child, but it wouldn't surprise me if he got back together with his ex and had nothing much to do with your daughter. I'm sorry, but he sounds awful.

Agree with PP your DH sounds awful. It’s horrendous to have it repeatedly rammed down your throat that you’re less important than his kids. Does it make him feel all smug and morally superior? Well what a twat!

Ask him how he intends to vary contact with all 3 of his dc when your marriage fails.. Suggest Cms split 3 ways will enrage his ex and how will he pacify her?

Yes I agree with this ^ Honestly you need to start demanding some respect, this does not sound like a healthy relationship.

@Justbecause88

Thanks for your replies, DH has always been very involved and put his children first. I found this attractive at the start as along side this he was making me feel important too. Now he’s very short with me about the older boys (aged 14 & 17), if I say anything negative he accuses me of having an issue with them. When I try and raise how it makes me feel he just tells me again they are more important to him. I feel like I have a good relationship with them, but I think the younger one might have been having a whinge to his mother (I am quite firm about some things but don’t do any disciplining). As she’s been making lots of negative comments about me to my DH. I feel at the moment like it’s a bit ‘us and them’ with my DS and me and him and the older boys and even his ex.

He is being honest at where you are on his priority list.

And this isn’t unusual for a man to place his wife somewhere near the bottom.

I think it’s cruel that he keeps telling you that his kids matter more and that his is completely incapable of managing his family unit where every one feels involved and just as important as each other.

Can you imagine if his two older sons were your bio kids and he kept telling you that the kids mean more to him than you. It would be still odd. Why does he have to keep telling you where your place is? It’s because he wants you to STFU and know your place.

Step parenting is hard but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with feeling like a second rate citizen in your own life.

The longer you stay with this man the further you will drop down the list

Thanks for your replies. It’s good to see that I’m not just being sensitive. It’s a fine line to tread as a step mum. Clearly life doesn’t have to be like this and there can be more of a balance. My DH told me that I would realise what he meant when my son was born and honestly I love my son with all my heart, but I don’t feel like my life needs to revolve entirely around him. Obviously he’s high needs at the moment as a baby so it does to an extent!

Your dh is the problem - probably guilt is motivating him although it is possible he gets a kick out of telling you you are lowest on the list - because I can see no other reason to say it. We reared 3 teenagers and it wasn't always an easy ride but we never felt the need to tell each other that we didn't matter compared to them.

How would he feel if every time he told you his children were more important than you you replied "yes I know - just as our baby is WAY more important to me than you are ... WAY more. No comparison really".

I’ve never met a man who was excessively vocal about how much he loves/prioritises his kids who was a genuinely good father.

I am a single parent and make a point of telling anyone who I'm dating that my DD will always come first. I think as a PP has said it comes from a place of guilt as I am her only parent and don't want to choose a man over her. So I can see why he might fell guilty.

What was it like before you had your DC? Usually a new baby can create jealousy from other siblings (especially teens with such a big age gap). I wonder if they've said something like they're worried he won't have time for them or something so he is being over the top.

It is lovely that a father is still so involved with his previous DCs (a lot of times on here they're forgotten about) but that doesn't mean you need to become the enemy and I would not be happy being treated like that. I've not read how long you've been together but could you suggest doing things with his older boys or re-decorating their room for them or something so he knows that you want to be in their lives and it's not a battle all the time.

I think your husband's behaviour is disgusting and you should get away from him before he completely erodes your self worth. There is absolutely no need for him to say those things to you, no decent person would.

I am a single parent and make a point of telling anyone who I'm dating that my DD will always come first. I think as a PP has said it comes from a place of guilt as I am her only parent and don't want to choose a man over her. So I can see why he might fell guilty

But you immediately create a two tier system in your relationship. In a healthy relationship you should be able to navigate through situations with out anyone feeling second best or not priority.

Why would any one get in a relationship with some one when they’ve been explicitly fore warned where their position is.

And OP even though you thought it was endearing you should have seen this as a red flag.

Priority in a healthy relationship waxes and wanes. Obviously it’s imperative that a child’s needs are met but that should go with out having to state it but it’s also just as important that people involved in the relationship are just as valued and respected.

If you can’t do the two together then you shouldn’t be in any kind of relationship.

I’d be making myself very vocal about how I love my DS more than my husband and how he certainly matters more to me than my DSSs - every single time he made a statement of that kind.
Every. Single. Time.
He will either not care enough to be annoyed or he will be annoyed and maybe reflect a bit on his own shitty attitude.
Honestly OP, what a dick he’s being to you!

I agree with @Giespeace.
My DP did this at the start of our relationship for a while, he actually said “my girls will always come first” during one discussion, so I questioned what he meant and he said if they want him they get him first over everything else.
I smiled and asked him to leave. I ignored him for 3 weeks citing that my kids come first and we were busy at the zoo/ cinema/ bike rides etc.
I deliberately made plans then cancelled them last minute and when he asked to see me I would say I was prioritising my children.

It gave him a taste of how hurtful it was and he has since changed his attitude towards his priorities and our whole relationship.

The needs of the children within any family should come first, but not always their wants. Prioritising children shouldn’t be to the detriment of other family members or the adults’ relationship. It’s a balancing act depending on who’s needs are the greatest at each time.

Put your baby first for a while almost in a ridiculous way and constantly say how much more you love him than your partner, if you have a dog I would do the same with them too 😂

Your husband is being a twat and from my experience “my kids always come first” actually translates to “I’m a lazy parent who runs around catering to my children’s every whim because I don’t want to have to discipline or say no and I like to be seen as the good guy”.

Your H is being unfair and unkind, at best. sounds like having a DC with him was a mistake, wouldn’t stay in the relationship.

Also patronising to say that you’d understand you had a DC.

What circumstances lead to him saying they come first. I think it very much depends on the context.

Is it emotional needs, quality time, doing things for them?

I do agree that at 14 and 17, he should have little involvement with the ex but to discuss essential things like school choices and medical needs.

This is so hurtful - why would he keep repeatedly saying that to you?! My DP has 2 kids and I understand his need to prioritise them at times, but then at other times, I'm very much his priority. He often refers to "trying to strike a balance to keep everyone happy". And I do the same - my DD is my priority when she needs me more than he does, and vice versa. In my view, revolving your world around kids and not leaving space for anything else, including yourself and adult relationships, is only going to end in a very lonely place when the kids all leave home and have their own lives (with their own adult relationships!)

He tells me all the time he loves his kids more

Who goes around announcing the order of how much they love people! And people complain about their husband’s having cycling as a hobby. Yours has Town Crier, that’s much worse.

You are right, it does sound ‘them and us’ but you haven’t made it this way.

You need to prioritise yourself from now on and your baby. Make sure you keep your career.

@crazyotterlady

I don’t really have any advice OP as I’ve never been in your position. I’ve deliberately avoided getting involved with someone who already has children and an ex that’s still very present. I take my hat off to anyone who manages to get a balance in these situations, it seems almost impossible from my perspective!

Not impossible- extremely challenging at times but possible. In my experience it requires a partner who is able to implement healthy boundaries and understand the need for balance. ie doesn't "jump" every time the ex partner is on the phone demanding he take them as she can't cope with their behaviour (during her own contact time) - just one example of something that seriously grates on me!! But he's wise to all this now and he sees them on his own contact time and is boundaried about it - if there was any extra contact it would be because his kids themselves had requested it (they're old enough now to do so). He would also never entertain his exW on the phone complaining about me - he'd tell her she has no idea what goes on in our home (rightly so) and therefore she needs to concentrate on what happens at her house and we'll do the same. But to be fair she rarely does that. And he would absolutely not ever repeat to me that his kids "come first" - he sees them as a part of his life, not the sum total of it. Likewise, I'd never say that to him about my DD - she is equally a part and not all of my life.

In the OP's situation I'd be asking DP to consider where he sees himself when the kids are adults and they're off having their own healthy and balanced lives with adult relationships, when he's by himself having messed up his own relationships due to not making any time or space to nurture them. 🤷‍♀️

It doesn't matter if you have kids or not or what order you tier your love/priority - a partner should be giving you basic respect. You have value too, you dont have to accept being talked to or treated lesser, having kids doesn't suddenly devalue you.
If he keeps reminding you that you are lesser I would question why is he with you then? What role do you have? Maid? Childcare? Would it matter if you were there or not? If you're there because of your services not because he sees you as an equal then what is the point? He could hire cleaners, childminders etc. The point is you should be made to feel wanted, loved, valued not just a convenience.

Hi op, I'm in exactly the same position as you and I think your feelings are totally normal in the situation. There's not a day that goes by without me wishing I'd not got involved with a man with a child and ex. My SS is now 14 and cannot do any wrong in my dh eyes. He wants to be seen as the good guy and as a result he now has a child that is spoilt and cannot do anything for himself.
I have a 2 year old with my dh and he barely has any time for her yet cannot do enough for my SS. It's awful to see and I would tell anyone thinking of getting involved with a man with kids to run a mile!
Sorry I have no advice but just wanted to let you know you're not on your own.