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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Anyone do handovers on neutral ground?

71 replies

TwoDots · 08/07/2020 09:59

It’s all gone tits up with SD mum. My DP and her have had issues, but I’ve managed to remain civil with her when she comes to the house.

A month ago SD mum really upset me. She dropped SD off on the Sunday morning at our house, but SD(8) had spent the Saturday night at an impromptu sleepover. SD was brought straight to our house from said sleepover. Everyone is in different places over the virus so I don’t want a debate about that, but we were still fairly locked down a month ago and I completely was not ready for it. I’ve not let my own DS sleep at over other houses, so it put me in a bit of a tricky situation.

I came to our front door with the intention of having a quick chat about it with her. When I got to the door I could sense friction plus SD was close by, so I chose not to say anything and I went back into my house. I spoke to DP about it once she had left and I suggested calling her, but he advised against it and said he would deal with it.

Anyway, DP and ex are still arguing over it. She won’t let it go that I dared come to the door. Doesn’t matter how much DP tries to explain and asks her to respect our differences of opinion and leave it at that, she now is hell bent on making sure I know my place as I should never have come to the door that day. She’s moaned that I’ve since come to the door to say a friendly hello to her new boyfriend, and refuses to talk about their daughter unless I’m not in the house.

Honestly, it’s such a huge over reaction. I’ve never interrupted their conversations but I’m being made to feel like I’m not welcome in my own home. I have tried to reach out to her to explain why I was upset and can we talk to try and sort it all out as this level of animosity isn’t good for anyone. She’s ignored that.

I have done nothing wrong and I can’t keep being made to feel like I’m in the way in my own home and I should leave when she comes. There is a supermarket next door to us, and I’m tempted to ask DP to do his exchanges in the car park. Thoughts?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/07/2020 10:02

You have a DH problem because he needs to tell her to wind her neck in over the fact she states she doesn't want you in your own home when she drops off!!

Yes I would tell your DH that they need to hand overs else as you won't be vacating your home. I hope that doesn't mean he will then start picking up from theirs though if it's previously been shared?

Original poster
TwoDots · 08/07/2020 10:16

@RandomMess I do. He is such a passive person who’s incredibly afraid of his ex. He tries to defend me, but he rarely makes his point clear, and he ends up with two frustrated women.

He really tries though and he admits his faults. The ex is a very difficult, controlling bully and I hate the way she treats him. I stay out of it though, but I had to speak up this time as it increased the risk to my DS

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/07/2020 10:29

I guess discuss with your DH and he can give her the choice...

She either drops off at the house regardless of who is there or answers the door OR at the supermarket car park when he is available to meet her there...

midnightstar66 · 08/07/2020 10:51

You have the right to go to the door in your own home. How does she know you were going to say anything? I'd say for your sake the car park is better idea so you don't have to feel restricted

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2020 12:22

She's being absolutely ridiculous, it's your house. When I read things like this I often wonder how such people could possibly be reasonable in other areas of their life because she's so wildly off the mark in this instance.

I think it would be better for your DP to stand up to her rather than start picking them up from the car park because that's bound to feel a bit weird for the kids. But better that than set the precedent that you can be banished from your own house by her.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/07/2020 13:06

Tell her that if she doesn't want to see you, she doesn't come to YOUR front door! I'm sure at 8 the child can walk up the garden path by themselves while the mother watches from the car. Any communications re the child can be done by text.

We had this issue with my husband's ex where she was coming in the house and waiting for the kids to faff around and get their stuff. She has since been told that she texts them from the car when she's arrived!

Original poster
TwoDots · 08/07/2020 13:14

I hate that it has come to this. I am willing to try and sort it out but she’s petty about everything.

If DP texts her and emails her, she kicks off as “she won’t talk about their daughter via text”. Everything is an issue for her. DP can’t have an opinion, ask for things like summer holidays to be sorted. It’s getting so tiresome

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 08/07/2020 13:15

Do not give her any power.

Your house, your rules.

She’s being a ridiculous bully.

MayfliesX · 08/07/2020 13:22

She sounds like a total pain in the arse.
Your DH needs to realise that he has to stand up to her some time. She is on some kind of power trip if she thinks she can moan about you coming near your own bloody door in your own bloody home.

missrks · 08/07/2020 13:33

She sounds bonkers. My kids SM is an absolute doll, love her to bits!

midnightstar66 · 08/07/2020 13:45

Same, in as nice and accommodating as absolutely possible as don't want to give her any reason to argue and potentially separate from exp.

sassbott · 09/07/2020 22:06

I think it’s an unnecessary escalation and tbh not very nice for the child. To suddenly start being handed over in a supermarket? She’s 8.

Re the sleepover? That’s for your DP to handle. What were you planning to say to her when you went to the door? I mean I get it re the virus, but would you have said SD couldn’t come in?
I just don’t see why you think that was a convo for you to have with your DP’s EW? I wouldn’t dream of a time where my DP thought it acceptable to come to the door and try and talk to my exh about the children. It’s not his place. Likewise I wouldn’t dream of approaching my DP’s EW over anything. It’s not my place.

I also don’t see in your post that she’s demanded that you’re not there at drop off. Has she said that? Or has she said ‘she won’t discuss SD if you are in earshot?’.

Original poster
TwoDots · 09/07/2020 23:34

@sassbott so I have no right to speak up when I feel that my child has been put at an additional risk?
I chose not to say anything in the end but it didn’t stop me feeling upset over it. It seems only selected mums can speak about their own child’s welfare. Of course I wouldn’t have turned her away...and I didn’t.

As my post says, she will not discuss anything to do with SD if I’m in the house. If I’m in, she does ‘demand’ that DP meets her face to face somewhere else to discuss things. Not even a phone call will do.

Why is it more appropriate for DP to speak to his ex about a child that’s not his?

OP posts:
sassbott · 10/07/2020 11:59

I don’t get it? Is SD not his child?

I’m not saying you don’t have a right to speak up when you feel that you/ your child has been put at risk. By a decision the EW has made.
But I do think that that conversation needs to be directed to your DP and it’s a conversation that he then needs to take up with his EW. Do I think it’s appropriate that you spoke to the EW directly (it sounds as though you were riled / upset)? No. I don’t.

I’m not saying it’s an easy or fair position to be in. Covid has made contact arrangements so very tricky.

I as a parent am making decisions about my DC with my exh. Not my DP and certainly not with his EW. I have sent my DC back to school. His EXW has refused to send their children. It’s not my business and I don’t care what she does/ doesn’t do. But if she tried to speak to me and say that I was putting her children at risk by sending my taking the decision to send her DC to school?

I’m pretty sure my internal voice would be very clear about where she could stick her opinion.

But tbh these scenarios are precisely why I don’t live with my DP and contact with his DC takes place at his. Zero interaction between my DC and his.

sassbott · 10/07/2020 12:02

And I stand by what I’ve said. I think the reaction of saying handovers need to take place in a supermarket car park is an unnecessary escalation and not in the child’s best interests.

Again, if my DP ever had a bee in his bonnet over something my exh had said and he told me that my exh now needed to drop our children off in a neutral space, I’d tell him where to go. What explanation would I give my children?

Sorry. This has to happen because my DP and and exh can’t get on? I mean, come on.

Notcrackersyet · 10/07/2020 12:11

I suspect you have over-stepped the invisible line if you thought it appropriate to try and discuss the sleepover rather than your partner doing that. Maybe just be a little lowkey for a bit to take the heat out if the situation.

Original poster
TwoDots · 10/07/2020 13:22

Had I actually said something to her, perhaps I may have overstepped that invisible line. I chose not to speak to her and leave it to DP.

Now I’m being bitched about left right and centre for even daring to come to my own front door when handovers happen. I will not be made to feel like that in my own home. I’m sorry, her needs do not trump mine

OP posts:
Original poster
TwoDots · 10/07/2020 13:24

And to answer your question, it is no more appropriate for my DP to discuss my DS with his ex, than it is for me as his mother

OP posts:
Original poster
TwoDots · 10/07/2020 13:36

Thanks for the advice. For now, handovers can happen at her car in front of the house. Unless she accepts my offer to try and sort things out and stood this if oculi ya behaviour, she is not welcome at my door. I will not feel like I have to make myself scarce in my own home . Thanks again

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/07/2020 14:17

I honestly think she is having a tantrum because she knows she was in the wrong but wants to deflect etc.

All in her subconscious no doubt but "how dare you even have an open what my child does" utterly ignoring that she is also your DH child and her behaviour has an impact at her DDs other home...

aSofaNearYou · 10/07/2020 14:25

I don't think you would have overstepped by discussing the sleepover in this instance. I don't think the usual rules of only the parents being allowed to discuss matters to do with their kids really apply during Covid when there is obviously a risk to all household members. Decisions shouldn't be unilateral right now and you have every right to discuss it. Regardless of that, I don't think it's ever appropriate for her to make demands of who can and can't be present for anything that happens in your home. If she wants a private, parent only discussion about the children she can phone or email, or arrange to meet elsewhere, but while she is in your house she is not just a coparent, she is also a guest. It is highly ungracious to invite yourself into somebody's home and order them about. Coparent or not.

Original poster
TwoDots · 10/07/2020 15:00

Thank you @RandomMess and @aSofaNearYou

I’ve always respected this invisible line but on this occasion I must be able to speak up when I fear my own child is put at increased risk. Even then I chose not to and left it to my DP but she won’t let it go and blames me for not being super friendly at handover which can affect her DD. I respect that, but it’s perfectly fine to do things that affect my DS.

I get so tired of everything being focused on the 3 of them and me and my DS have to toe the line

I’ve reached out to her to sort things but have been ignored. I’ve had years of disrespect and am tired of it. Her daughters needs are not greater than my sons and I am the only one to defend him.

I really appreciate your support. Thank you so much

OP posts:
RedRumTheHorse · 10/07/2020 15:25

@TwoDots

Thanks for the advice. For now, handovers can happen at her car in front of the house. Unless she accepts my offer to try and sort things out and stood this if oculi ya behaviour, she is not welcome at my door. I will not feel like I have to make myself scarce in my own home . Thanks again
Very reasonable.

I know a few parents including my DP where handovers happen on neutral ground to avoid third parties, mainly other children, being involved in the separated parent's conflict.

Original poster
TwoDots · 10/07/2020 16:13

Just realised my terrible typos! Hope it makes sense anyway

Basically she needs to change this silly behaviour

OP posts:
Woodmarsh · 10/07/2020 20:55

Good for you OP you don't get to be told what to do in your item house. I also feel you had every right to say something about the sleep over, it was a decision made that could affect the health of both youth and your child. Very thoughtless and selfish