Anyone do handovers on neutral ground?

[TwoDots]

It’s all gone tits up with SD mum. My DP and her have had issues, but I’ve managed to remain civil with her when she comes to the house.

A month ago SD mum really upset me. She dropped SD off on the Sunday morning at our house, but SD(8) had spent the Saturday night at an impromptu sleepover. SD was brought straight to our house from said sleepover. Everyone is in different places over the virus so I don’t want a debate about that, but we were still fairly locked down a month ago and I completely was not ready for it. I’ve not let my own DS sleep at over other houses, so it put me in a bit of a tricky situation.

I came to our front door with the intention of having a quick chat about it with her. When I got to the door I could sense friction plus SD was close by, so I chose not to say anything and I went back into my house. I spoke to DP about it once she had left and I suggested calling her, but he advised against it and said he would deal with it.

Anyway, DP and ex are still arguing over it. She won’t let it go that I dared come to the door. Doesn’t matter how much DP tries to explain and asks her to respect our differences of opinion and leave it at that, she now is hell bent on making sure I know my place as I should never have come to the door that day. She’s moaned that I’ve since come to the door to say a friendly hello to her new boyfriend, and refuses to talk about their daughter unless I’m not in the house.

Honestly, it’s such a huge over reaction. I’ve never interrupted their conversations but I’m being made to feel like I’m not welcome in my own home. I have tried to reach out to her to explain why I was upset and can we talk to try and sort it all out as this level of animosity isn’t good for anyone. She’s ignored that.

I have done nothing wrong and I can’t keep being made to feel like I’m in the way in my own home and I should leave when she comes. There is a supermarket next door to us, and I’m tempted to ask DP to do his exchanges in the car park. Thoughts?

You have done absolutely nothing wrong, had to deal with a difficult situation and been extremely reasonable. There is no need for her to come to your door, really is her problem accepting that her husband has moved on if she can't cope with you answering your own door. Use handover notes if she can't be reasonable, she sounds controlling and possibly a narcissist or at least extremely insecure.

If you believe her to be narcisstic then she will always be unreasonable, controlling and have tantrums. They hold grudges as well so don't expect this to go away easily.

Minimising contact with her is the only way to go, for your sanity. It may help if she has a longterm partner, especially if they have an ex and they might become the target instead of you!

What you have to know is that conflict can be oxygen to these types of people. You only have 2 choices, disengage or separate households from your partner so she doesn't have a hold over you.

If only he could disengage too haha. I will adopt greyrock eventually. It’s all such a learning curve.

Thank you @dreamboatquickfuck. I really appreciate the support and understanding

My mum used to drop us off at a car park and my dad used to pick us up as they weren't on good terms, since there divorce when i was 5. They never spoke a word to each other.
Now 15 years later my mum and Dad were in the same room last year celebrating my DS birthday, which was the stangest thing ever as i can't remember a time they where in the same room!

@twodots I feel your pain, had a very similar situation over lockdown.

@Acidrain what did you think about it? Was it damaging in any way?

@dreamboatquickfuck it’s so hard isn’t it? Sorry to hear you’re going through similar too

It was probably the least damaging way of doing it, they couldn't be around each other without arguing and shouting at each other so it was always just normal to us to meet at a specific car park at 6pm on a Friday and get dropped back off at 6pm on a Saturday. We just jumped out of one car into the other.
We grew up thinking that was a normal way of changing places and it wasnt until i was older and my sisters dad (different father) used to pick her up from our home, we ever questioned it.
Only now as an adult, i realise it was because they weren't civil and couldn't be around each other in them early days.

OP. I feel you. We have had similar antics (worse, in fact) with DSDs mum and had to say DSD couldn’t come here for a while. All hell broke loose but I took all the fucks she gave about us and sent them straight back to her. Back to normal now but think it gave her a shock to find that DH would put us first occasionally and she can’t just do what she likes and expect us to suck it up.
However, as PPs have rightly said, she can do what she likes with her child on her time. Not your business. Until she feels entitled to inflict her stupidity on you and your child in your own home. Then she makes it your business. And now she feels like she’s in a position to dictate when you are present in your own home?
Golden uterus indeed. I’d stop bothering about any of it tbh. If she’s going to go through life with her bloomers in a twist over what turned out to be nothing (well done for walking away and saying nothing, btw) then that’s a waste of her energy and not yours. If it leads to inconvenience for her, well that’s just a toddler level lesson in actions and consequences and hopefully she catches on quickly.

@Giespeace you are talking exactly the way I’m feeling. Totally agree with you. Thanks for your input

Update:
DP talked to his ex this morning about how he feels there is a lack of respect. To cut a very long story short, she doesn’t want to be asked to not come to the front door so she will apparently text me. Let’s see what she says....

@TwoDots

Update: DP talked to his ex this morning about how he feels there is a lack of respect. To cut a very long story short, she doesn’t want to be asked to not come to the front door so she will apparently text me. Let’s see what she says....

Good luck 😬. Mad how she can't be asked not to come to YOUR front door but you can be asked not to.

Although I would be ignoring all texts from her. It's not for you to sort out.

Mad how she can't be asked not to come to YOUR front door but you can be asked not to.

Behold the mental gymnastics of the Golden Uterus

Look forward to the update on what she’s got to say. Hopefully your DP managed to get through to her and she’s ready to be reasonable again! 🤞🏻

The problem underneath all this, is you have a DP who is unable to stand up to his Ex and it seems your life is at times disrupted because of her behaviour.

She behaves like this because your DP is scared of or is unable to stand firm...making you and your DS feel like less of a priority.

This incident sounds like the final straw, where you expressed your feelings...and expressing feelings is not only done verbally.

Being in a relationship with a man like this van be very frustrating. It's too unpredictable a life to live and I'm amazed how many women put up with living a life disrupted by their partners Ex.

I often think that difficult people are best with each other and they can fight fire with fire...but the reality is neither would tolerate it...they behave as they do with others...because they can.

@SandyY2K you speak perfect sense.

Hi OP,

I have had similar experiences with the exW here.

I really really wanted to get on with her and make things easier for the kids. I (naively) thought if you were sincere and tried hard enough it could all be pleasant.

The problem is that she has other objectives. She wants to cause trouble. It doesn't matter what her motivations are behind this, the intent is the same.

I told her very calmly in an email that she was not to contact me anymore unless she had a genuine concern about her children or there was an emergency. I was sorry it had come to this and maybe in the future things could be different but not while she had her current mindset and to stop coming up with excuses to throw tantrums and get attention.

It was very patronising and I'd say she was furious!

I suggest you do the same.

"It's clear things aren't working out with the current drop-off arrangement as you are obviously getting very wound up at the front door. This is distressing for dsd and neither of us want that. I am sorry you are so upset by the current situation but on a practical level I must now insist you stay in your car well away from my front door. Perhaps we can reassess at a later date when you've had some time to adjust."

Why are some of the posters on here intent on increasing conflict?

I have been with my DP for years! I wouldn’t dream of contacting his EW directly over anything! Nor would I expect her to contact me. Boundaries people. And just because you may have ex wives who don’t have them, it doesn’t mean any of us have to engage and by doing so make situations worse!

I think the advice of sending that email is terrible! She’s your partners/ husbands ex wife, let him deal with her! And if you don’t want them contacting you, block them. I mean the technology is there and it really is quite straightforward.

And I say this as someone who wanted the exwife away from her front door too! But not once would I have thought that an email like that was the smart (or adult) thing to do.

Honestly.

@sassbott I sent a similar text to OH ex after a year of crazy bullshit. She didn't reply and my life has been peaceful ever since. Drop off is done either at mils or club or OH collects. It can be done

@sassbott

Why are some of the posters on here intent on increasing conflict?

I agree. There's no need to send an email like that which is so patronising.

Let it go through your DP, instead of sending such an email, which can make you appear to be the unreasonable one potentially causing issues in your relationship.

I was a child of this situation and I'm 49 now and still remember the anxiety. Parents divorced by 6 and by 8 both had met other partners. Mother is a 100% narcissist and I quickly learnt to never mention my Dad's new wife. That never changed despite my Step Mum having nothing to do with the breakdown of the marriage.

It's a fucking hideous existence as a child. No doubt I was loved, but my DM's narc needs to control my Dad meant that conflict situations arose regularly.

You have no idea if this conflict is being discussed in front of the daughter and I'd urge you to be as passive in this situation as possible. That child needs a calm anchor that is firm, but also de-escalating.

I'm 49 and still it's Step Mum and Dad I turn to for love. My whole
Childhood and teenage years (and more) are clouded by my narc Mum and her desire to dictate and control contact arrangements etc (even my Wedding day - horrible).

This is a minefield for you and you're handling it well. Unfortunately, your DH has to step up. If you can be the anchor of calm and fairness, your StepDaughter will see it, remember it and have a chance of healing.