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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

wedding and step kids

92 replies

Alacrity85 · 21/06/2020 15:54

As a precursor, I would like to say I consider myself to still be fairly green regarding children and I am looking for advice from other step parents who might be in a similar situation.

I’m 32 and will be getting married to my SO in October this year (3 years together) and i'm feeling a bit apprehensive about things moving forward.

As a bit of background, my soon to be SD's are 6 year old twins. Because of how far away my SO ex has chosen to move (6 hours away), we can only see the girls for a weekend once a month. It has been like this for the past 3 years although we do get the odd week over the school holidays when we can.

The girls BM and my SO broke up after 7 years together when the BM said she was no longer in love with my SO. The BM then dated 2 people within 4 months of the break up and decided to move in with number 2 (who lives over 6 hours away from us). I met my SO when the BM was in the process of moving to number 2.

My SO (IMO) isn’t the most invested parent and spends a lot of time watching sports or being distracted by FaceBook when the girls are around. I feel like i’m constantly nagging for the phone to be put down and for some quality time to happen. I also seem to end up making all our meals and organising everything, coming up with ideas of things to do and then getting frustrated at my SO for not being present.

The girls for the most part are lovely, but they can also be extremely misbehaved when they don't get what they want and are very emotionally manipulative. It also doesn't help that their BM dislikes me which often reflects in the girls attitudes towards me. They take turns acting very cold and aloof when their BM is around but seem to make a complete switch once she leaves. (I do get they must feel they need to be loyal towards their BM and want to show her they love her by doing this.) They often make comments about how their BM doesn't like me (the BM has admitted this to my SO) and the girls make rude comments about my appearance and weight.

With the way the girls act and that we only see them once a month, and with my frustration at my SO, it makes it very hard to build any sort of relationship with the girls. While I am fond of them, I’m constantly struggling to make any further connection. I also am very unsure about whether they actually like me or if its just an act for my SO’s benefit?

For the wedding we will be travelling with them overseas (AU to NZ) and will be taking them on a holiday for a week. I am a bit worried about how they may react being in another country and whether they may act up during the wedding…. I know it may seem selfish but I have put so much time and effort and saving into this one day, I really don’t want to have a bad memory of it.

I’m really trying to at least find a respectful level we can all be at but I feel like the girls are naturally influenced by their BM and are taking on her feelings towards me.

I’m really not sure how to handle the situation and don’t really know what to do from here….

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

burnoutbabe · 22/06/2020 15:56

is your partner an actual legal parent of the twins? I can see if they have no blood tie, you may not be that invested in them, depending if you have gone through IVF together OR one partner had a ONS and then kept the babies?

No matter, i'd not be getting involved with someone who had the kids over and then left it all to me. Their kids, they get to amuse them when they visit and plan the stuff which you also attend.

RedRed9 · 22/06/2020 18:54

I think its perfectly fine and normal to assume the two parents of a child are male and female unless told otherwise.

‘Normal’

Smallsteps88 · 22/06/2020 19:11

Yes, normal. Which is exactly why every single poster here assumed we were talking about a father until OP stated otherwise. Stop trying to pretend there is something wrong with all of us.

burnoutbabe · 22/06/2020 19:46

If someone says partner in their posts and doesn't indicate sex, I assume it's 50/50 whether they are same sex (or it's a man posting about his other half and wanting an un-biased opinion)

RedRed9 · 22/06/2020 19:49

Actually small I’m on this thread and I didn’t assume: so not ‘every single poster’.

Also; I’ve never once said there’s something wrong with you. Are you confusing me with someone else? Perhaps you need to re read my posts on this thread.

To help you out I’ll remind you that I did say this though:
’All I’m suggesting is that going forward perhaps you try not to jump to that conclusion about everyone. Is that really an issue for you?’

But if it really is an issue and you absolutely refuse to do anything other than lazily and narrow mindedly decide that someone is heterosexual unless corrected, then that’s your choice.

Smallsteps88 · 22/06/2020 19:54

Actually small I’m on this thread and I didn’t assume: so not ‘every single poster’.

Fine, every single poster apart from you.

Also; I’ve never once said there’s something wrong with you. Are you confusing me with someone else? Perhaps you need to re read my posts on this thread.

You said it was narrow minded and we needed some self reflection. Why would we need to do that if there wasn’t anything wrong with what we thought?

RedRed9 · 22/06/2020 20:08

Fine, every single poster apart from you.
(And @burnoutbabe)

Why would we need to do that if there wasn’t anything wrong with what we thought?
What a lonely, homophobic hill you’ve chosen to die on. But sure, if you genuinely want to defend your choice to never assume anyone is anything other than heterosexual and make other people have to go out of their way to correct you rather than just being slightly more open minded then you then go for it.

Smallsteps88 · 22/06/2020 20:13

It is not homophobic to assume that someone talking about the two parents of a child are a talking about a male and a female. What sex did you assume the OP and the “BM” were? Be truthful.

Smallsteps88 · 22/06/2020 20:16

If it was homophobic this entire thread would be like Swiss cheese with deletions. Not to mentions every single other thread where someone refers to someone’s sex without it having been explicitly stated. You’re being utterly ridiculous.

Wallywobbles · 22/06/2020 20:19

If your SO didn't want her kids moved 6h away their are easy legal steps to prevent it. She clearly wasn't bothered about not seeing them whatever she might have told you.

I'm sorry but I cannot see any of this working. And NZ is closed till next year so October sounds like a pipe dream.

And you put all the effort in to everything. What is SO bringing to the party?

vodkaredbullgirl · 22/06/2020 20:31

I thought op was on about a man, so what does that make me.

RedRed9 · 22/06/2020 20:31

What sex did you assume the OP and the “BM” were? Be truthful.

Truthfully, I assumed the OP/SO/BM were all women. But I kept an open mind and didn’t explicitly say so in my response to the OP because I (just like you) didn’t know for sure.

If you look you’ll see my response to the OP was:
’And you’re marrying this person?’
(Note I didn’t say him/her.)

RedRed9 · 22/06/2020 20:37

Just to be clear: obviously it’s not homophobic to assume the OP’s situation was a heterosexual relationship.

But it’s pretty homophobic to say you’re always blindly going to assume someone is heterosexual unless they tell you otherwise: why make someone else have to go out of their way to correct you? Why not just be a bit more open minded and leave it at the possibly of 50/50?

And why call me ‘silly’ and say I’m virtue signalling for suggesting this?

It’s just the smallest amount of effort from you to check your thinking. It harms literally no one but could actually help a lot of people.

IWantT0BreakFree · 22/06/2020 20:43

Maybe your partner’s ex moved away because your partner is a shitty parent and she wanted a fresh start for her and the girls. We only have your word that the ex is flaky/rushes into new relationships etc and you have quite clearly got appalling judgement and an attitude problem. Team ex all the way 👍

Smallsteps88 · 22/06/2020 21:21

But it’s pretty homophobic to say you’re always blindly going to assume someone is heterosexual unless they tell you otherwise:

Except that’s not what I said!! Don’t be disingenuous.

I said “I think its perfectly fine and normal to assume the two parents of a child are male and female unless told otherwise.”

I didn’t mention anyone’s sexuality.

Socialdistancegintonic · 22/06/2020 21:28

I think you need to give him a huge kick up the ass!

They don’t want you as their mum, they want their Dad - and he has to be a parent. If I were you I’d book lots of activities that he has to take them to outside the home - like swimming or drama or cinema - then he HAS to parent iyswim.

It doesn’t bode well though unfortunately. I’ve been a SM for years, and any small thing that you notice now in your SO is what will be in your relationship. He isn’t responsible to them? That is how he will treat you.

Magda72 · 22/06/2020 22:40

@RedRed9 in fairness there are very few same sex couples posting on this board so I think most readers are just used to the vast majority of threads being posted by heterosexual parents.
Furthermore not everyone uses dp or dh - some people use bf, so or oh.

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