wedding and step kids

[Alacrity85]

As a precursor, I would like to say I consider myself to still be fairly green regarding children and I am looking for advice from other step parents who might be in a similar situation.

I’m 32 and will be getting married to my SO in October this year (3 years together) and i'm feeling a bit apprehensive about things moving forward.

As a bit of background, my soon to be SD's are 6 year old twins. Because of how far away my SO ex has chosen to move (6 hours away), we can only see the girls for a weekend once a month. It has been like this for the past 3 years although we do get the odd week over the school holidays when we can.

The girls BM and my SO broke up after 7 years together when the BM said she was no longer in love with my SO. The BM then dated 2 people within 4 months of the break up and decided to move in with number 2 (who lives over 6 hours away from us). I met my SO when the BM was in the process of moving to number 2.

My SO (IMO) isn’t the most invested parent and spends a lot of time watching sports or being distracted by FaceBook when the girls are around. I feel like i’m constantly nagging for the phone to be put down and for some quality time to happen. I also seem to end up making all our meals and organising everything, coming up with ideas of things to do and then getting frustrated at my SO for not being present.

The girls for the most part are lovely, but they can also be extremely misbehaved when they don't get what they want and are very emotionally manipulative. It also doesn't help that their BM dislikes me which often reflects in the girls attitudes towards me. They take turns acting very cold and aloof when their BM is around but seem to make a complete switch once she leaves. (I do get they must feel they need to be loyal towards their BM and want to show her they love her by doing this.) They often make comments about how their BM doesn't like me (the BM has admitted this to my SO) and the girls make rude comments about my appearance and weight.

With the way the girls act and that we only see them once a month, and with my frustration at my SO, it makes it very hard to build any sort of relationship with the girls. While I am fond of them, I’m constantly struggling to make any further connection. I also am very unsure about whether they actually like me or if its just an act for my SO’s benefit?

For the wedding we will be travelling with them overseas (AU to NZ) and will be taking them on a holiday for a week. I am a bit worried about how they may react being in another country and whether they may act up during the wedding…. I know it may seem selfish but I have put so much time and effort and saving into this one day, I really don’t want to have a bad memory of it.

I’m really trying to at least find a respectful level we can all be at but I feel like the girls are naturally influenced by their BM and are taking on her feelings towards me.

I’m really not sure how to handle the situation and don’t really know what to do from here….

The fact your partner can't spend one weekend a month with them instead of being on his phone and watching sports probably has a lot to do with their attitudes.

Just spend time with them, talk to them, play games with them and gently correct them when they are rude to you or about you.

BM is a common acronym just not on mumsnet where people like to hate step parents.

Things that stood it to me are the BM causing problems telling the girls she doesn't like you. That's pretty poor in my book and needs stamping out by your OH

Your OH needs to get more involved with the girls and you less.

Why are you taking them with you to get married abroad? Do you want to?

For those of you criticising OP for commenting on how quickly the BM moved on to the next, and indeed moved the kids away to be with him what would your reaction to that be if it was in a different section in the forum?

I don't hate step parents.
I hate the term "birth mum" or "bio mum" when used by a stepmum to refer to the child's mum. It's so dismissive of her primary role as the child's mum.
There are usually only two situations in which "birth mum" is appropriate; when a child is adopted or when a child has two mums (eg lesbian couple) and they are clarifying which one gave birth to the child.

Nobody 'hates stepmothers' they just just don't like the use of the term 'BM' which some people insist on using even after it has been explained to them in words of one syllable exactly why it is offensive.

BM may well be commonly used on other forums but those are forums not frequently freqented by people who are not step parents. They tend to be forums full of anger and hatred towards an ex partner sometimes (at least in my experience) unfairly. At least here the term is challenged. It is rarely appropriate (there are ocassions where it fits OK) and is frequently used to belittle or put down a child's mother in the context of the poster's relationship with her partner's children. Simply put, step mums using such a phrase tend to have a bit of a superiority complex and are seeking reassurance that they are indeed a far, far better mum than the children's actual mum. Might be true, might not. But even if the step mum is a way better parent, it doesn't stop mum being mum, does it?

For those of you criticising OP for commenting on how quickly the BM moved on to the next, and indeed moved the kids away to be with him what would your reaction to that be if it was in a different section in the forum?

It's not ideal, is it? But then the ex, the OP's partner, is hardly the doting, hands-on parent. We can't really say without knowing the other side but it sounds like she was on her own regardless so she's chosen the best path for her - there could be other factors at play including work availability, proximity of family, availability of cheaper housing etc. etc. It is rarely as clear cut as 'she moved just to frustrate contact with the other parent'. And to be clear, the OP says she met her partner at the same time as the ex was moving - so if it was a quick post-relationship relationship, well, the OP's partner is in exactly the same position. But I don't see anyone trying to criticise his decisions?

I think you need to put in boundaries. Call them out on any bad or disrespectful behaviour. Don’t be afraid to parent them.

You have a partner problem. He can't be bothered to even pay any attention to his children 1 weekend a month. He's an arsehole. Run away, far away.

For fucks sake. This is such a typical MN pile on. The OP is clearly doing her best, is not responsible for her husband’s behaviour (and it’s bloody sexist to imply that she is) and is not planning on having children herself. So how about the judgey crap stops and people with actual advice about making step families work offer some insights.

I bet none of your home lives are fucking perfect.

'Bloody sexist' .....I think it is 'bloodysexist' for this guy to use his new gf as a nanny but hey ho.

It is also 'bloody sexist' for the op to be dragging up her partner's exes relationship history and sex life in about paragraph 2. ....

It's not judgy to point out that if her partner isn't interested in parenting his children and enabling positive experiences with him and OP, she is fighting a losing battle when it comes to her own relationship with them.

He ignores them, they behave badly probably at least in part because of that, and he doesn't seem to have challenged their unpleasant and unacceptable comments about the OP, either. So what on earth is she supposed to do to resolve all that, if he won't do anything?!

It's not judgy to point that out. She needs to walk away from this guy for her own sake.

Maybe there BM Mummy left your SO Other Half for a reason. Ask yourself that ??
And really bm birth mother / Mum SO significant other you sound aloof Dont

I can’t imagine someone moving six hours away from their 3yo children, seeing them so infrequently and then being disinterested for the very short time they are there. This is not someone I’d even like, much less marry,

It’s nice that you want to bond with them but as others have said, it’s not easy with such infrequent contact and if their father can’t be bothered. Contact time is for the children to benefit from seeing their father, so his attitude is completely relevant because no matter how hard you try to make the time nice, it’s just not addressing the purpose.

I'd run for the hills OP.

Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships by Patricia Papernow is an amazing book for step families.
Stepmonster is an easier read and is appreciated by many.

Only step parents will understand how step parents feel. Stepmothers in particular are misunderstood. So look for sites and forums that are specifically for stepmothers.

And I wouldn't bother taking your step children all that way for your wedding. If you don't have a nice time together when they come for the weekend with only a 6 hour journey, I doubt a massive flight and wedding stress will help!
Have a special meal and include them nearer to home - and if you want to work on your relationship with them do that closer to home in smaller bite sized pieces.
leave the parenting to your partner - if he doesn't parent, make sure you are out when they come over so he learns. Also put on Supernanny a lot so he can get some tips!!
If you try to parent them you will always be the bad guy - you will be the bad guy in the eyes of your partner, your step children, their mother (I knew what you meant by BM BTW - no worries!), and all grandparents and extended family, It isn't worth it. Best case scenario aim for friendly aunt. Anytime you agree to babysit, then the rules have to be in place by your partner.

But listen - read up a bit on specific stepmum literature, especially childless stepmother literature- And find a stepparenting forum!

The problem is not the girls.
You can't and shouldn't fix this problem single-handedly.

The main problem here is your OH.
He is making life difficult for his girls which in turn makes life difficult for you. You need to address the cause of the problem - him.

How he treats his girls is a reflection of how he'll treat you. Its difficult on you because he isnt making the effort to bring about a healthy relationship. An low and behold, who's the one getting stressed, concerned? He doesn't give a shit.

If I were you I'd be evaluating what this relationship actually means to him.
You will get great advice but nothing will work unless the half is working with you.

She is a loving mum and tries very hard with her girls.

Really?

Because this is what you said in your OP My SO (IMO) isn’t the most invested parent and spends a lot of time watching sports or being distracted by FaceBook when the girls are around. I feel like i’m constantly nagging for the phone to be put down and for some quality time to happen. I also seem to end up making all our meals and organising everything, coming up with ideas of things to do and then getting frustrated at my SO for not being present.

So one of those statements is a lie. Which is it?

Good luck

Neither you nor your partner are parenting these kids - they only come over once a month - so is it necessary to enforce rules or make them behave? Just spoil them and let them have fun! As for the holiday I actually think it might be a good idea for them to be around their dad’s side of the family - rope them in to make it a really fun week for them.

Massive drip feed had you stated you were in a same sex relationship and the reference to bio mom would have been relevant to the thread. There have been alot of threads around the missue of bio mum which is clear used it in a derogatory way however this wouldn't be the case, you failed to clarify that.

Secondly you were and continue to be extremely judgemental of you're exs dp choices in terms of relationships that is none of you're business.

You're dp isnt a good mother by omission she choices to actively ignore her dc and works crazy hours. Surely she would be better to work a more family suited job so she could be an active role in her childrens lives or is it because they are biologically linked that shes dismissive of them? You're attitude stinks

but i guess I shouldn't have expected much more from bored sad women with little prospects in life
And yet you want our advice? I think you and your SO should piss off into the bush and don't look back,.you absolutely deserve each other. Good luck, you'll need it!

What does your SO say about the situation OP?

Who will be responsible for them throughout the holiday and then also on the actual wedding day?

Gotta love a good drip feed....