wedding and step kids

[Alacrity85]

As a precursor, I would like to say I consider myself to still be fairly green regarding children and I am looking for advice from other step parents who might be in a similar situation.

I’m 32 and will be getting married to my SO in October this year (3 years together) and i'm feeling a bit apprehensive about things moving forward.

As a bit of background, my soon to be SD's are 6 year old twins. Because of how far away my SO ex has chosen to move (6 hours away), we can only see the girls for a weekend once a month. It has been like this for the past 3 years although we do get the odd week over the school holidays when we can.

The girls BM and my SO broke up after 7 years together when the BM said she was no longer in love with my SO. The BM then dated 2 people within 4 months of the break up and decided to move in with number 2 (who lives over 6 hours away from us). I met my SO when the BM was in the process of moving to number 2.

My SO (IMO) isn’t the most invested parent and spends a lot of time watching sports or being distracted by FaceBook when the girls are around. I feel like i’m constantly nagging for the phone to be put down and for some quality time to happen. I also seem to end up making all our meals and organising everything, coming up with ideas of things to do and then getting frustrated at my SO for not being present.

The girls for the most part are lovely, but they can also be extremely misbehaved when they don't get what they want and are very emotionally manipulative. It also doesn't help that their BM dislikes me which often reflects in the girls attitudes towards me. They take turns acting very cold and aloof when their BM is around but seem to make a complete switch once she leaves. (I do get they must feel they need to be loyal towards their BM and want to show her they love her by doing this.) They often make comments about how their BM doesn't like me (the BM has admitted this to my SO) and the girls make rude comments about my appearance and weight.

With the way the girls act and that we only see them once a month, and with my frustration at my SO, it makes it very hard to build any sort of relationship with the girls. While I am fond of them, I’m constantly struggling to make any further connection. I also am very unsure about whether they actually like me or if its just an act for my SO’s benefit?

For the wedding we will be travelling with them overseas (AU to NZ) and will be taking them on a holiday for a week. I am a bit worried about how they may react being in another country and whether they may act up during the wedding…. I know it may seem selfish but I have put so much time and effort and saving into this one day, I really don’t want to have a bad memory of it.

I’m really trying to at least find a respectful level we can all be at but I feel like the girls are naturally influenced by their BM and are taking on her feelings towards me.

I’m really not sure how to handle the situation and don’t really know what to do from here….

My SO (IMO) isn’t the most invested parent and spends a lot of time watching sports or being distracted by FaceBook when the girls are around. I feel like i’m constantly nagging for the phone to be put down and for some quality time to happen. I also seem to end up making all our meals and organising everything, coming up with ideas of things to do and then getting frustrated at my SO for not being present.

And you’re marrying this person?

So you are the maid? Maybe you need to up your life expectations op...

OP, do you want children? If so, you absolutely shouldn't marry this man.

To be honest, i don't think you should marry him regardless. Bad fathers are rarely good men.

My SO (IMO) isn’t the most invested parent and spends a lot of time watching sports or being distracted by FaceBook when the girls are around. I feel like i’m constantly nagging for the phone to be put down and for some quality time to happen. I also seem to end up making all our meals and organising everything, coming up with ideas of things to do and then getting frustrated at my SO for not being present.

This will be your life. Is this what you want forever? Because it won’t change. This is as ‘good’ as it gets. It doesn’t get better.

Either accept it or leave.

Yes I love my SO and I will be getting married and no I never really planned on having children myself.

If you could please focus on advice about how I should be interacting with the girls it would be greatly appreciated.

how are these six year old girls emotionally manipulating you? no advice except good luck with being treated as a maid and nanny for the rest of your life if you marry him.

I hope you’re not planning on having children with this man? He’s already showing you he’s a pretty crap, uninterested dad who will leave it all to you. How two little children behave at your wedding is the least of your problems. And it’s a long way to take two little children for a wedding. You’d have been better choosing something easier. But what’s done is done. Concentrate on getting your fiancé to look after his kids and to assure you that he will at the wedding. Get the girls involved, give them roles, make them feel involved and special. These girls were here before you and aren’t going to go away. You are a branch of their family if you marry their dad, and have to deal with it. (and that’s from a stepmum, not a real mum)

I don't know you lost me when you stared apportioning blame for your partner's divorce tbh. You need to let go of that. You weren't there.
Also stop calling her BM. This term is used for a mother who has nothing to with her children through adoption for example.
I think he should do more parenting and you should be careful you are not just being roped in fir free childcare during his so called access. X.

If you could please focus on advice about how I should be interacting with the girls it would be greatly appreciated.

Well their father isn’t bothered about interacting with them so why should you worry about it?

Sorry, I meant their bio father.

1. She is their mother, she is not their "birth mother" or "biological mother" (which I assume BM stands for). Mother/mum will do just fine. The standard acronym on Mumsnet is DM (darling/dear mum) if you don't want to type mum.

1. You must have low standards if you want to marry this man. You can't have any meaningful interaction or relationship with his children when he is completely failing to parent them himself.

Quick question do you refer to own mother as BM. It's a derogatory term referring to her as bio mother it implies shes got limited contact in her childrens lives and used in adoption or surrogacy. She clearly has full parental responsibility therefore it's not appropriate to use the term. As for the wedding there are still his girls and 3 years is a fairly small amount of time to have moved into and getting married how long have you been together. I'm sure his family will step up and help on the day what's his parents like as grandparents? It comes across as you're looking at an excuse not to have them there.

Firstly, thank you for the advice on BM - through reading posts I thought it was the common acronym to differentiate between a step mother and birth mother. I stand corrected.

And in regard to the rest, I'm clearly not going to get any help here.... farewell judgement internet strangers

Oh for goodness sake! 🤣

You’re not the nanny, so stop acting like one.
Your soon to be husband sounds like a lazy arse.
If that’s what you want for your future then crack on.
Personally, I would completely back off and just chat pleasantly to the girls about nothing in particular and leave the parenting (or lack there of) to their dad.
Oh and it’s not their “BM”....it’s their mum!

Yet another woman with her fingers in her ears. In 5 years time you will remembered this thread OP. You’ll kick yourself for not taking on board the advice from those who’ve seen it countless tones before and know exactly how it will play out for you.

Well I think there are many factors. Firstly, if the girls ever say nasty things about you it is really important for your partner to address this with them.

Secondly, reassure them that their mother will always be their mother and you don't ever want to take her place you just enjoy spending time with them. Reassure them they will never have to choose.

Thirdly, probably similar to the first point you and your partner need to be on the same team when dealing with all of this.

Lastly, time often helps.

Even though they do not like you, you need to assist your DP in taking care of them. They are only six, so you have to think and really imagine the full impact of 12 years of this

His DDs relationship with their DMum is always going to be of key importance to them, because they spend most of their time there, their school, their friend and their mother are all there.

She's not 'birth mother' - she's their mother with whom they live (the term is useful when referring to adopted DC, and when the birth mother is no longer the mother). You may not have meant it, but it comes across as dismissive to use that term. Plus it is wholly unrealistic to think that her DDs attitude towards their DDad (and by extension you) is going to change when he is so disengaged.

You cannot make him shape up and be a better father. If you do not want to organise his contact weekends, then don't, or do the minimum.

While I am fond of them, I’m constantly struggling to make any further connection. I also am very unsure about whether they actually like me or if its just an act for my SO’s benefit?

Don't worry about this; being interested in them, doing a fair share (not everything) when they are with you, making sure that you communicate well, being kind and consistent, that is enough. Being fond of them is a plus.
It doesn't matter whether they like you or are just being polite. If it's generally amicable, then that's fine. You don't need their overt approbation.

It does sound as if you need to talk to DP in some detail about plans for honeymoon. The NZ leg will certainly not be happening (no way their quarantine will have lifted by October) and Aus might be unworkable too.

You think that the girls and their mum are the problem but your problem if your OH.

You don't want kids but I've to tell him to put his phone down and be a parent? 🚩 🚩

Tbh you were catty towards the girls mothers making judgements on why she left you're dp how many partners she had after, when by you're own admission sits there watching tv and leaves you to act like a nanny to his kids when he sees them 12 times a year!

The children see their dad 12 weekends a year. That doesn't really give any time for building a relationship with step family. Your partner should be dedicating every minute of that time to his children.

It says a lot about him that he isn't, ask yourself why you are more concerned about the relationships than their dad is.

Imagine how these girls are going to behave towards you when the teenage hormones kick in. Good luck.

He doesn't care, why do you? He sounds awful.
She's their mum, DM. Birth or Biological mother is for when children are adopted.

You really don't sound cut out to be either a mother or a step mother, any more than your SO, who sounds a lousy excuse for a parent.

Honestly it's not that difficult to connect to two 6 year olds. Just think like you did as a child. Connect with them about things they like. Find out what they like and what they think. Failing that stuff them full of ice cream and cake. They'll love you for it.

I became a stepmother to an 12 and 13 year old. The older one moved in with us. The situation was very different but I found just being as supportive as I could, but also not being overbearing. It does not help that your partner is not engaging with them. Is it possible to do family things all together when they visit? Tricky one at the moment I know but even a picnic in the park?
You cant change his behaviour however, so if you find you are the one with the girls then embrace it. Think of fun things you could do together- baking a cake, making some crafts, playing catch etc. This may be your idea of hell but if the girls are in to it it's worth putting the time in for the sake of your relationship.
As for the trip - talk with your partner about how he sees this working. You need to present a united front in terms of rules and discipline. But I'm sure they will be so excited that it may turn out to be a great experience for all of you. As for the actual wedding day - who is looking after them? You may think the day is all about you but they may well think it's all about them! Are they bridesmaids? You are going to have to make a fuss of them and make sure they are looked after - they may be overtired and cranky well before you are ready to leave the dancefloor!
I'm afraid that is the reality of being a step, or any kind of mother: your needs come second.