wedding and step kids

[Alacrity85]

As a precursor, I would like to say I consider myself to still be fairly green regarding children and I am looking for advice from other step parents who might be in a similar situation.

I’m 32 and will be getting married to my SO in October this year (3 years together) and i'm feeling a bit apprehensive about things moving forward.

As a bit of background, my soon to be SD's are 6 year old twins. Because of how far away my SO ex has chosen to move (6 hours away), we can only see the girls for a weekend once a month. It has been like this for the past 3 years although we do get the odd week over the school holidays when we can.

The girls BM and my SO broke up after 7 years together when the BM said she was no longer in love with my SO. The BM then dated 2 people within 4 months of the break up and decided to move in with number 2 (who lives over 6 hours away from us). I met my SO when the BM was in the process of moving to number 2.

My SO (IMO) isn’t the most invested parent and spends a lot of time watching sports or being distracted by FaceBook when the girls are around. I feel like i’m constantly nagging for the phone to be put down and for some quality time to happen. I also seem to end up making all our meals and organising everything, coming up with ideas of things to do and then getting frustrated at my SO for not being present.

The girls for the most part are lovely, but they can also be extremely misbehaved when they don't get what they want and are very emotionally manipulative. It also doesn't help that their BM dislikes me which often reflects in the girls attitudes towards me. They take turns acting very cold and aloof when their BM is around but seem to make a complete switch once she leaves. (I do get they must feel they need to be loyal towards their BM and want to show her they love her by doing this.) They often make comments about how their BM doesn't like me (the BM has admitted this to my SO) and the girls make rude comments about my appearance and weight.

With the way the girls act and that we only see them once a month, and with my frustration at my SO, it makes it very hard to build any sort of relationship with the girls. While I am fond of them, I’m constantly struggling to make any further connection. I also am very unsure about whether they actually like me or if its just an act for my SO’s benefit?

For the wedding we will be travelling with them overseas (AU to NZ) and will be taking them on a holiday for a week. I am a bit worried about how they may react being in another country and whether they may act up during the wedding…. I know it may seem selfish but I have put so much time and effort and saving into this one day, I really don’t want to have a bad memory of it.

I’m really trying to at least find a respectful level we can all be at but I feel like the girls are naturally influenced by their BM and are taking on her feelings towards me.

I’m really not sure how to handle the situation and don’t really know what to do from here….

What was the point in even posting here when you drop feed and then moan about the response.
Your DP does not sound like a loving mother from the description you have given and the excuse of not seeing her children more because she works crazy hours is awful.
Work family friendly hours and make more effort to see them and build a relationship with them.
If you are frustrated that she is on her phone too much and not engaging with her kids the short time they are there then how do you think they feel?

Good drip feed. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? Your SO is a shit parent and if you think it’s bad when the kids are 6, it’s going to be hell when they’re teenagers.
I would really be thinking twice about all this if I were you.

On your original question, I’d throw money at the problem, and hire a fabulous nanny to look after them, spending the whole week getting to know them and in charge of looking after them at the wedding itself.

Anyone who thinks that the OP being in a same sex relationship is a drip feed needs to take a look at why they think that.

To me it was wildly obvious that the relationship could have been same sex. Not once did the OP say ‘he/she’. Why would you just assume straight when it could have been either?

If you think it’s a drip feed you might need to work on not assuming that every one is automatically straight in your mind.

OP, your SO is not a good parent. Yes, her ex moving 6h away was also being a poor parent, but two wrongs don't make it right.

Ignore the ex and whether she likes you or not. Its irrelevant when you SO behaviour is enough to explain why the girls are acting the way they are.

Working long hours and considering spending a long time on the phone are definitely not excuses.

Marriage is not going to change things so you need to consider whether you can cope with the current situation for many more years. Say, you also need to prepare yourself for things getting worse as the girls become more their own persons and start assuming that if your SO doesn't spend more quality time with them, it's because they don't really care for them. Add to this pre teenage years and you be got many trouble years ahead of you.

I would massively challenge your SO about their behaviour when their kids visit. They should devote all that time to them, tired or not.

If you can cope with taking over all the shit that comes with being a parent without the rewards of being loved and adored, then think hard as to what you are planning to do because it looks like it might very well be heading that way.

RedRed9 it kinda does affect the post not disclosing that it was a same sex relationship mainly the use of BM reference people would have understood why answers would have been different.

Sorry, but your SO sounds rubbish and I would not be marrying her.

She isn't stepping up to her responsibilities; she is neglecting her kids and leaving you to do all the work. This is blatantly unfair on you and on the kids. If she behaves like this before you're married, just think what it will be like once she has you safely tied down.

All this worrying about the kids at the wedding... this is her job to work out, not yours! She is the parent here!

Marrying a selfish and lazy person is really never a good idea.

The drip feed makes no difference to the fact that your partner is being a shitty parent. I did miss read the OP and thought it was your partner who moved away so maybe the amount she sees them is slightly more understandable.

Nevertheless, she should be spending every minute with her children if that's all she gets. What on earth is so important on her phone that she can't dedicate 24 days a year to her children?

As for the wedding, I think it's an odd plan to take children you hardly know so far away. But they shouldn't be excluded from their mums wedding. Best suggestions for managing their behaviour is for your partner to put her phone away for the duration and pay attention to them.

Little prospects in life? Does that win arguments - randomly putting strangers down based on nothing?

You literally described her as being a shit mother - only sees them once a month and makes no effort whatsoever when she does. That's the definition of a shit parent.

I shouldn't have expected much more from bored sad women with little prospects in life

Do you feel better for that?

Does your nastiness change the fact that you are marrying someone who really doesn't give one about their children?

Why would you just assume straight when it could have been either?

Stop being silly. OP was taking about shared children of a “BM” (standard code for birth/bio mum from stepmothers and has been used quite a lot over the past few days) and OPs partner. The most common scenario for that description means a man and a woman. It’s overwhelmingly a Male/female pairing that have children. Put your virtue signalling flag down. We’ve all see you now.

"Bored sad women" why the nasty comments. Sounds like some people have hitting a nerve. You know they're right but you choose to throw your toys out of the pram and become nasty. You need to grow up! Those children need loving caring parents, who care about them. Their behaviour is a reflection of both parents (an you) What do you think they see when they come to your house? How are their feelings met? How are they made to feel secure in a very unsettling situation? Your partner on her phone, working long hours and not making sure they are available!! Your partner is a shit parent. Unless they change, your stuck. I feel bad for the kids.

Really genuinely not being silly @Smallsteps88 There’s no harm in recognising when you were narrow minded. It’s certainly not silly.

The most common scenario is heterosexual but when an OP goes out of her way to avoid a pronoun you might need to open your eyes and think. If you don’t notice it then fine, but don’t get stroppy and call it a ‘massive drip feed’ when it was actually your own wrong assumption.

I disagree. It wasn’t obvious OP was going out of her way not to identify her partner’s sex. People use all sorts of different acronyms and identifiers on here for all sorts of reasons including being vague and changing details to avoid being “outed”. We’d be tying ourselves in knots trying to guess who they were really talking about.

As an aside, I don't think the borders will be open between australia and NZ by October in terms of your wedding.

I was going to give some sound advice about how I dealt with the wedding to my DH and his four children. (Basically get them involved, have them make things, I even wrote vows especially for all of them)
But fuck it, there was loads more I think could really have helped you but your last post is vile and you've lost all right to advice.

Exactly Small, it wasn’t obvious to you but you still automatically assumed the OP was heterosexual. All I’m suggesting is that going forward perhaps you try not to jump to that conclusion about everyone. Is that really an issue for you?

you still automatically assumed the OP was heterosexual

No. I assumed that her partner, being the parent of the children in question who wasn’t the “BM”, was the “BD”. A pretty normal assumption when discussing the parents of children.

@Smallsteps88 just admit you automatically presumed it was a straight couple.

OP your SO is a poor parent. Your role as a step-parent is to support that parent not take on their work. As they are young, live hours away from and your partner isn't interested if you split up from your partner you will never see them again. So you need to have a think about why you are doing all this work. Have a talk with your OH and tell her that you expect to parent her children and are going to go out for half a day when they come over without all of them. Then go out to see your own family and friends without your partner and children.

In regards to the holiday get your partner's extended family to help out as they are the children's family as well.

just admit you automatically presumed it was a straight couple.

“Admit”? Like I’ve done something wrong??

I assumed OPs “SO” was a man. No-one’s sexuality was a consideration.

I also assumed OP was a woman. And that “BM” was a woman. As did many others. What did you assume OP and “BM” were?

Totally understand that you made that assumption small but that doesn’t mean it’s ‘silly’ to suggest you have a bit of self reflection about it.

Why are you marrying him, he essentially has roped you in to be his kids maid and nanny. Can’t you se show ridiculous this is.

I do think it’s silly. I think its perfectly fine and normal to assume the two parents of a child are male and female unless told otherwise.

Ah I’ve just seen the update **she
Doesn’t seem very invested in her children, massive red flag