Ex Wife is a Nightmare!!!

[Amanda87]

How do you deal with your husband's crazy ex wife?
They have 2 daughters together, I love them very much. She is always finding ways to text him pretending is about the kids but ALWAYS making drama over something.
She uses horrible words, call him names, very very low level. I feel like she just wants to make his life hell. She was the one that left, has another partner but doesn't fully seem to have moved on.
She keeps him from seeing his children whenever something doesn't happen as she wishes. She refers to me as "the other" or "supposedly wife". The other day she involved me in the drama, saying I should be available to pick their kids up when the father can't (Now am I a cab driver or what????). And when I asked to stop harassing my husband she said she'll always text him cause of the kids (As if!!!!) and if I don't like that I should get a divorce... Ahahahah
Now, seriously, how do you wives deal with the exes???

(I’m pretty certain the police having quiet words with her about harassment went a long way too, back in the day)

If you'd given example of 'crazy' behaviours and the issues she raises that upsets you oh so much, it would have been easier to comment. The only hint of an example his him seemingly not picking up his daughters when he should be so that goes more towards justify her being angry. Is angry seen as crazy?

All I can say is that my ex partner would have probably written something very similar about me at some stage. 12 years and 2 kids later, she left him and is now complaining of the same things I did then and getting angry at his lazy selfish parenting.

So sometimes it's just a case of nothing more than which side you sit on.

Birth mother is just not an acceptable term at all in this situation.

Why does she expect you to pick the children up if he can’t? What can’t he? You can’t just not pick your children up. It sounds like he needs to get organised and be more responsible.

Is this a case of the man not doing what he should be doing and the ex taking it out on the partner? It wouldn’t surprise me.

If he can't pick them up, assuming this is for regular contact then it is up to him to find someone to pick them up instead. She can't demand that it is you but it is his responsibility to fix it.

Ignoring a text from the mother of your husbands children is petty if I have to text my ex about the children and he chooses to not respond I will interpret that as him not giving a shit about his own children saying that it's a cold day in hell if I text him in the early days I would because I was used to having someone to coparent with as time went on and more girlfriends and wives showed up it was clear texting him about the children meant I was crazy ex and unable to let go so I don't bother now he moans I don't tell him anything about his own children and he actually has to (shock horror) talk to his own children and ask them questions

Ignoring a text from the mother of your husbands children is petty

Well the rest of your comment is about the actual dad ignoring texts from his ex, which is completely different from his wife ignoring texts from her, she has absolutely no obligation to be in touch with her. Nobody is saying he should ignore messages that are about the children, but it is very common for parents to have to ignore messages from their ex that are just confrontational and nothing to do with the kids. It's not petty, it's having boundaries. It isn't helping anything for him to be on hand to reply to any abuse she wants to send, and it is entirely appropriate for him to reply to such messages at a time that suits him, or never.

If I was stepmother to two children whom I loved then I wouldn’t have any issue with collecting them from their mothers house so they could spend time with us: as long as it wasn’t over an hours drive or so.

After all we would be part of the same family

The OP won’t come back here. Too many people are writing things she didn’t want to or expect to have to read

My DH ended up blocking her for months at one stage because it was just relentless with the insults and accusations “You’ve chosen Mellow over the kids, etc...”. I can assure you he is a good man who has never missed contact / been late for pick ups and drop offs and pays a small fortune in maintenance.

To be fair to op, a very quick advance search really shows that her husband is a poor father and a really poor husband. I imagine op is simply seeing it far more atm, and desperately trying to Refocus the blame to save her marriage. If she actually admitted to herself her husband is just a waste of space, that’s a really tricky place to be.

I am lucky that my husband's ex is not crazy, just a bit flaky sometimes. But if I were you I would block her number. It's not your job to deal with her, it's his. And as for being available to taxi her kids around if he can't, just no.

Oh yes I see OP was leaving him a month ago.

Ignoring a text from the mother of your husbands children is petty

The op doesn’t owe her a conversation. Contact could just be between the op’s partner and his ex and that’s more than sufficient.

“The mother of your husband’s children” - And? What difference does that make?

I was referring to the people saying he should ignore the messages too but ignoring any bloody message is a bit petty unless they are flogging you something its daft to moan about someone contacting you about the kids and you thinking its ok not to answer because she is crazy and ignoring crazy people is bound not to wind them up further

Slippery
Agree - if these were simply texts about the children. But that deux t appear to be the case.
There’s no need to respond to the name calling and horrible words that the OP says she puts jn her texts. To minimise this behaviour a technique is to ignore it rather than engage with it.
It works for my partner in that it has greatly minimised the number of insulting texts he receives.

I'm a mum and a step mum.

I watch my husband go through absolute merry hell emotionally with his ex. She left him for another man. When they separated he had the children 3 nights per week every week so she could go on dates with her man. When he met me she initiated divorce proceedings and accused him of adultery (projecting). When we got engaged she dropped it to 2 nights a week, when we got pregnant she dropped it to 2 nights a fortnight, when we got married she stopped all contact for 4 months from the day of our wedding. Suddenly she starts accusing him of neglect and "shouting to much", also claimed the boys are scared of "our constant fighting and arguing" (not true, very very happily married). Now he gets to see them just one hour a fortnight, with the condition that he see's them alone (they have 2 half-siblings here they have no relationship with), both mid-teens so no point in court, and to top it off last year she changed their surnames to her new husbands (yes my husband consented, he's too defeated to fight her and too terrified to lose his one measly hour) I stayed WELL out of it, sometimes I wish I had the courage to go and tell her that I'm no threat to her, they are her children, I am not so arrogant as to think they would suffer never having a relationship with me, I know that despite her actions towards my husbands she does love her children, she's a good mum, she will have her reasons for the things she has done, but I really don't think it would help. She has made up her mind and I doubt there's any changing it. At the end of the day those boys are loved, cared for, healthy, doing great, hell they are even a bit spoilt.

My husband has suffered so very much and it truly is the hardest thing to watch but ultimately, they are his children, his choice and he didn't want to put them through bitter court battles and increased hostility. I fully support him and cry with him and desperately wish I could take his suffering away. We both sort of hoped that given time and patience things would improve and our children would get to have a relationship with their half-siblings but it never has. Its very sad.

I do understand how you feel, but you will only escalate matters, only their mum can change her own mind, just try to hope that will one day happen and be emotional support for your hubs in the meantime.

Good luck

@stophuggingme

Actually if you are married to their father and love them why can’t you collect them in the car form their mother’s house?

I think the point is more surely that the children's mother doesn't get to demand OP start picking the children up or making herself available to do so.

I love my step child and do an awful lot for him but I would not allow it to be demanded or expected of me by either of his parents.

OP doesn't have to 'make herself available' just because mum has said so.

Have complete sympathy for you as in similar situation myself. After trying to work out a mutual relationship, she has managed to burn every bridge. So we now restrict all communication to text so we have a record, have a contact agreement in writing with a solicitor and it has settled down.

Every time he gets a nasty text send a polite one back asking her to restrict its content to the needs of the children.

Sometimes there just isn't a positive relationship with ex's. So you need to make the best of it you can. Good luck.

We had similar. For the first two years. Cutting contact, changing contact, barrage of text messages, phone calls, you name it.

There are two things that worked. The first was taking the wind out of her sails as someone else suggested. The moment it starts up DH ceases responding. Normally she just sends one text after another after another and then the next day apologises. Which again means nothing. But it means we’re not stuck in the loop of unreasonable behaviour, effectively we treat her like a toddler in time out.

The second is that we got to a point where enough was enough and we escalated. With a family agreement, parenting plan and subsequently a court order. After so long of taking the wind out of her sails she didn’t expect escalation, still thought she would get her own way. And that actually has led to her being more contrite and civil.

I feel your pain OP! I am step mum to DSS 13 and DSD 17. DH split with his ex wife 10 years ago we got together 7 years ago and have been married for 3. 10 years on we still get angry outbursts and obstructive behaviour. I really thought it would get better but it just hasn’t - I didn’t have anything to do with their split but she’s done everything possible to make DH access to his kids as long as I’ve known him. I’ve been reading about high conflict personality types and it describes her behaviour so accurately.

She made sure she had the lions share of custody to get maximum maintenance then would still obstruct visits. DH had court order for kids visiting him. DH would text to make arrangements to see his kids, each time answer would be no, yes then no, no then no, no then yes (if she had a night out planned). Each time there would be a grievance about something random running along side. Wore him down. We both worked full time and he really didn’t want to go back to court.

As other posters mentioned eventually not responding to the texts was the only thing that worked. DH wouldn’t respond - silence - boom - he’d get a message saying ‘DONT YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR KIDS THIS YEAR?!?! 😡 😡’ then we’d get to see the kids. She’s pretty predictable so it turned into a pretty regular pattern. DH has missed out on so much access but they are older now and are starting to see their mum’s obstructive behaviour for what it is and it’s not that their dad doesn’t want to see them.

I don’t speak to ex wife at all. Don’t have her number or anything. DH does all the drop offs and picking up. Not as dramatic now the kids are older. There really isn’t any need for me to speak to ex - I’ve accepted it will never be possible to have a lighthearted amicable co-parenting type relationship with her. The dynamic isn’t there. My DH has told me this from day one, wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt: I listen to DH now.

I posted my story as the step mum already but on the reverse side I am also the "crazy bitter psycho ex" lol.
My eldest is from a previous relationship, dad ended our 5 yr relationship because I got pregnant, I have been dragged to court several times over the years for contact denial even though DD has attended 99.9% of the time. I have been accused of assaulting him, abusing him, abusing DD, sexually molesting DD, I have been accused of beating DD and locking her in shed's, (in court!) I couldn't for the life of me understand how and why his family would support him in making these allegations against me.... they must see with their own eyes that DD attends contact, never has marks, is certainly not scared of me.

As the years have passed by and various professionals (from school and local children's centre) have been involved, dad's GF started attending meetings relating to DD. Then it suddenly all became clear from things she was saying to professionals.

Dad has been telling his GF the reverse story to what is actually happening. This poor women BELIEVES that it is ME that has accused dad of sexually molesting DD to try and reduce his contact. No wonder she thinks i'm a psycho.

I know its not her fault that she is being lied too.

They tell people i'm so bitter I tried to deny a holiday abroad, the truth is dad got a secret passport, made a secret holiday booking, sent me one email asking about a possibility of a holiday, the email stated nothing was booked yet, LESS than 24 HOURS later he was in court making an emergency application to cover his ass, because he was about to break the law. In his application he lied that I was well known to social services (we weren't, many many referrals were made but they always took no action) , had a history of obstructing contact (DD attends 99.9% of the time), lied that he didn't know my address (he had my address and was in fact refusing to give me his new address at the time, I hadn't know where DD was sleeping on contact for 2 whole years, never harassed him for it, asked once and was ignored, a year later I asked for his reasons for refusing to give it to me, he said my irrational behaviour, asked for an example of said behaviour, was ignored). I received a phone call from court asking me to attend the next morning, which I did. Explained what was actually happening to the judge... The judge told dad to his face he had behaved diabolically and I was entirely justified in my feeling on his behaviour, but then turned to me and said he can't punish child for dad's bad behaviour and would make an order for the holiday but the order also includes extra conditions that he must give notice (minimum of 4 weeks) in the future, and he must make the passport available to me upon request. He still flat out lies that I am bitter and tried to stop a holiday I knew nothing about, and uses the fact the order exists as "proof".

Dad has successfully portrayed me as a complete and utter evil cruel heartless bitch. His GF believes every single word, and she is rightly outraged for him and the fantasy he has created. I would be very interested to see, if she would be equally outraged for me, if I were to show her the court papers that prove he accused me of being a child molester to try and gain custody and push me out of DD's life, not the other way around. I doubt it!! GF has also told professionals she has read my extremely abusive emails, she can't have, there are none... which leads me to believe he has actually stooped to the level of falsifying them. Again the reverse is true, he abuses me via emails and I mostly ignore... in court he criticizes me for ignoring him, which is true, I don't reply when the insults start. So again I'd be interested to see GF's who believes I constantly harass him and verbally abuse him to read his court statement in which he states I constantly ignore him, never reply to his emails and that my "failure to communicate" is detrimental to DD.

When I was with him the ex before me was also mental, she told me he was harassing her and I didn't believe her either.... now I do.

Love is blind and we humans have a very bad habit of believe what we want to believe, especially when the truth would be a very painful one!!!! Be wary of labelling ex's, even if you "think" you're seeing proof... you might be being lied to by a very manipulative and intelligent con-artist, like my ex's poor GF.

There is a reason for the term "a wolf, in sheep's clothing"

@HardToDanceWithTheDevilOnYourB your story and experience shows that there’s good and bad on both sides. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’m sorry also for the GF involved. It sounds like you could’ve been friends in another life.

I don’t think you’re telling your story for stepmum’s like myself to compare themselves directly to your situation. But your story is a warning. Think it’s really important for anyone getting involved with someone with kids from previous relationship to have their eyes wide open right from the start. I would’t recommend it to anyone if it can be helped at all. Especially if come from a family without many blended families.

My DH is a very kind man, I was naive at first and thought it would be easier than it has been. Although I don’t have much involvement with the kids mum but for me I don’t have any reason to doubt DH. I wish I did and never want to see a child treated like this again in my life.

I’ve sat in the car while she’s shouted at him in the street, seen the persistent nits and lice every time we see the kids, done the laundry when they’re ‘sent to us’ dressed in their ‘worst clothes’ (haha very funny) and smelling of wee, sat with them encouraging them to eat a single piece of fruit/veg, cried when DSD told us her mum said to her she didn’t like the dress she was wearing that she chose herself while out with her dad, felt sad seeing at other families photos of happy holidays on Facebook knowing that if tried to arrange one it would never happen in the end.

I’ve spent years wishing we could work together to help each other out more.

GF believes she has seen me shouting at him in the street.... dad breached the court order, failed to return DD, we sat for hours and waited for her to not turn up at the correct time and place (halfway point between homes), turned up at my house unannounced the following day acting like nothing happened. Bet GF doesn't know why I was rightfully upset.... just saw the "crazy" dad tells her about.

I used to dress my daughter in her best clothes but soon started dressing her in her messy play clothes because, she would come home every single time with either dead straight slashes (looked like they had been cut with scissors) or she would go in lovely beautiful clothes that fit her, and be returned in stained, holey clothes a size too small and the clothes I sent her in would never be seen again. I was already sending her in messy-play clothes when he met this GF, she will not know things were ever any different.
GF also thinks i feed DD junk because she won't eat veg/fruit there, truth again is that dad fed her only junk on visits before meeting GF, now he pretends to care about her diet and DD resents the switch since GF came along.

Things are really not always as they seem. Like I say I do not blame GF, I have walked many miles in her shoes, I was with him for 5 yrs, I believed every single lie because he is very very convincing. The absolute epitome of wolf in sheep's clothing.

@HardToDanceWithTheDevilOnYourB I completely agree with you.

We don’t know enough about one another’s situation to make direct comparisons on specific points.

But think the over all message to people getting involved with some with children is to keep your eyes wide open and wake up. Like you said difficult if you’ve ‘fallen for someone’, but it’s especially important if any characters like your DD’s dad are involved.

OP YANBU for caring that your DSC's mother sends your OH unpleasant messages.

Step mothers get a hard time on Mumsnet and it is too easy for others to tell you it's none of your business. It is if it's affecting your relationship and while your OH will need to communicate with his ex about the children he can set barriers in place otherwise and should not need to deal with abuse.