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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Need an advice what to do :(

73 replies

artenis · 13/05/2020 21:17

Hi all. My story is long but i will try my best put it very clearly. So I am mother of two boys 9 and 14 and my partner (from nearly 2 years) have a daugther 14. My boys living with me and his daughter 2 days a week with him. We like each other have a good bond i think (me and her) . My boys like my partner very much. We had a thought to move in together as my partner anyway staying over mine apart days when hi got his daughter over. Its just wasting money to keep a house just for two night a week. So my partner speak to his daughter and she is said NO. And the problem for her is my 14 y.old son. He told her she will have her own bedroom,own bathroom and wont see even on corridor my son as his bedroom is downstairs and as a teenagers they spending there times in owns bedrooms. My kids have no problem with this, just her. She is said she is feel safe in my partners house and that is it. My partner said he wont do anything to upset or loose a bond with his daughter and we need wait so maybe she will change her mind. I dont know what to do. Sometimes i feel like she is telling my partner how he should live so she will be happy then. And if I will wait so for how long ? If she will finish high school and go for university then we can build our life together ?? 😪😪😪 I dont know what to think.....

OP posts:
FourPlasticRings · 13/05/2020 21:21

I think it's fair enough tbh. As a teenage girl I'd have been horrified at the thought of having to live with a random teenage boy my age. Lots of girls that age are self-conscious. She probably wants to be able to wander around in her own home in pyjamas and no make up without feeling on guard/embarrassed.

Original poster
artenis · 13/05/2020 21:28

Yeah I get it but she already living with her two olders brothers from her mum previous marriage. You will now saying but thats her brothers. I know. So what should I do ? Maybe I should end this relationship so she will be happy and my partner need look for someone without kids 😔

OP posts:
Louise91417 · 13/05/2020 21:29

Can your partner not suggest his dd stay a night at yours to see how she gets on. Think its a bit unfair of her to have the final say without even trying. Sue probably feels comfortable in the bubble she shares w8th your partner but she has to meet half way and at least make the effort..

Louise91417 · 13/05/2020 21:31

Just read your update, she already lives with 2 brothers? think this is a case of a 14yr looking to call the shotsHmm

Original poster
artenis · 13/05/2020 21:32

We done it already. She can come over for tea not a problem but if she stayed with us over for 2 nights it was only when my son was over his dad. That was her condition

OP posts:
Original poster
artenis · 13/05/2020 21:35

What you mean by that ?

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FourPlasticRings · 13/05/2020 21:37

Just read your update, she already lives with 2 brothers? think this is a case of a 14yr looking to call the shots

No, siblings are totally different. If you've grown up with someone you've seen them with bedhead etc., and vice versa, so many times you're comfortable with it because it it's been that way since you/they were tiny and not yet self-conscious. To be plopped in as a 14 year old is totally different. She may even fancy him, and that's why she's taken so against the idea of being near him.

Original poster
artenis · 13/05/2020 21:42

Ok. I understand. I just think that wont work out ever. Its seems like waste of our time. Mine and my partner. Just wont happend and I need just used to it

OP posts:
FourPlasticRings · 13/05/2020 21:47

Well, it depends on how patient you are. You've been together two years, you can still see each other often and she may grow out of the awkward phase. It's impossible to predict. But her dad is right to put her first on this, IMO.

Iamthe1andonlyyyyy · 13/05/2020 21:52

If you're planning on a lifetime together then it's not too long until she's an adult.
He sounds like a good dad

Original poster
artenis · 13/05/2020 21:59

Yes he is very good dad. But on other side he do everything for her and she cant be more thankful and just let her dad be happy as he want ? Its seems like he can live his life on her condition .....

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Original poster
artenis · 13/05/2020 22:01

Like he cant .......sorry

OP posts:
Techway · 13/05/2020 22:05

Are they in the same area? Different schools?

At this age it's incredibly awkward for her to have to stay over with a boy she doesn't know and she is entitled to feel comfortable & safe.
She is willing to try dinner so she is taking steps. Parents should respect their children wishes and you can't force children to go along with parents new partner.

She could change her mind in a few years and if you think he is your future then just wait, 2 years is hardly anytime and it takes at least 2 years to know someone so don't rush moving in together when there are children to consider.

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/05/2020 22:07

I think what she’s proposed is fine - her coming over when the 14 yo is with his dad. Why can’t that work?

Original poster
artenis · 13/05/2020 22:10

They know each other from school. She saying she is like him but its okward that her dad and me are together. Like i said previously she is over dinner and that is not a problem. But we cant move in together permanently because of her. My partner is staying over mine 5 days a week. But still need to trow away money for his house for her 2 days a week.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 13/05/2020 22:13

If she knows him from school is there a chance she knows something about him that you don’t?

FourPlasticRings · 13/05/2020 22:14

They go to school together? Potentially very awkward to be sat around the breakfast table with him then.

Original poster
artenis · 13/05/2020 22:15

No she is telling me everything about him wjat he is doing at school etc Wink

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wonderrotunda · 13/05/2020 22:24

You say can’t she let her dad be happy? But you’ll have your whole lives...this is just a two days a week for a few years...to make her feel that she’s important too.

Supersimkin2 · 13/05/2020 22:37

I feel a bit for DD to be honest. She's already living with step brothers and now she's being pressured to acquire another set of step brothers, more step parents and lose her home as the finale.

14 yr olds shouldn't call the shots, but in this case I think she's got a point. I suspect being with her DF is her best security, and she's right not to want to lose that.

StormBaby · 13/05/2020 22:41

They probably fancy each other or something equally horrifying at that age.

Original poster
artenis · 13/05/2020 22:45

Its little bit diffrent. As she lives with her mum and her brothers from his mum previous marriage. My partner met her when her two boys was very small and he become a stepdad. Then they had a daughter. After 20 years mum had affair so my partner get divorce and have his daugter 2 days a week. Mum is still with that guy but he lives far away and have two kids aswell. She hate him and she is clear about it. But it dosnt matter for mum and when he is over for a week daugter have nothing to say. So why me and my parter cant live together when she is saying she like me and we have a good contact ?

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LovingLola · 13/05/2020 22:57

I feel so sorry for that girl.
And I think her father is right to put her first.
She has 2 brothers - who have a different father to her
Her mother has an affair so her parents split up. Her mother’s partner has 2 children. She hates him but has no say in what her mother does so that man can stay in her home even though she hates him.
Her father then meets you and your 2 sons - one of whom is in her school.
And now you want him to give up the home that she comes to for 2 days a week and she has to share with you and your 2 boys.
Madness

Annaminna · 13/05/2020 22:59

You have to find out what is the problem with your son.
He did or said something she is uncomfortable with.
We can not guess. Use a neutral counsellor or mediator. She has a reason but obviously she can not tell you. You are the mother of the boy she is afraid of.

BraveGoldie · 13/05/2020 23:02

I agree - there may be something specific with your son.... might not be serious - could either be liking or disliking- but could feel huge at that age.

I would have been hugely embarrassed at 14 if I suddenly had to start living with a boy from my school of the same age.....