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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Need an advice what to do :(

73 replies

artenis · 13/05/2020 21:17

Hi all. My story is long but i will try my best put it very clearly. So I am mother of two boys 9 and 14 and my partner (from nearly 2 years) have a daugther 14. My boys living with me and his daughter 2 days a week with him. We like each other have a good bond i think (me and her) . My boys like my partner very much. We had a thought to move in together as my partner anyway staying over mine apart days when hi got his daughter over. Its just wasting money to keep a house just for two night a week. So my partner speak to his daughter and she is said NO. And the problem for her is my 14 y.old son. He told her she will have her own bedroom,own bathroom and wont see even on corridor my son as his bedroom is downstairs and as a teenagers they spending there times in owns bedrooms. My kids have no problem with this, just her. She is said she is feel safe in my partners house and that is it. My partner said he wont do anything to upset or loose a bond with his daughter and we need wait so maybe she will change her mind. I dont know what to do. Sometimes i feel like she is telling my partner how he should live so she will be happy then. And if I will wait so for how long ? If she will finish high school and go for university then we can build our life together ?? 😪😪😪 I dont know what to think.....

OP posts:
Louise91417 · 13/05/2020 23:14

Reading your updates i am going to totally backtrack on what i said earlier..whilst a 14yr old shouldnt call the shots, given this girls history with her mum im not surprised if she feels insecure and doubtful for whatever reasons...think you need to cut a bit of slack on this one, if you cant the resentment will destroy your relationship..both with your dp and his daughter..

justasking111 · 13/05/2020 23:20

My friends had to wait, his daughters lived with him, mum had run off with a man, they could not cope with another woman who had two daughters of her own. When all the children hit uni. age, they got married and bought a house together. Until then they respected that his girls just could not cope with another change in their lives.

dontdisturbmenow · 14/05/2020 06:51

I would suspect she doesn't really like your son but to considerate to tell her dad or TD her dad and he isn't telling you so not to upset you.

It is better this way. Living together when she is not happy would be hell. He is probably very disappointed too as probably wish you could be together every day but he is doing the right thing.

FreshStart13 · 14/05/2020 12:23

If your dp is renting a house currently an option that might save some money by him renting a 2 bedroom flat and just staying there on the nights he has his DD.

Harpingon · 14/05/2020 21:49

Huge red flags here.

Iwonder08 · 15/05/2020 11:25

OP, parking aside the money spent on running another house I wouldn't push her moving in. Why do you want a teenage girl under your roof with all the associated problems? You will end up doing cooking, cleaning after her etc. You spend a lot of time with your partner anyway. Enjoy the situation! The girl is already 14,it won't be long until she moves on with her life.

Techway · 15/05/2020 14:08

If the mum is being selfish it is MORE important that her father figure provides stability now. If your relationship didn't work out what would have life be like??

I really think you need to drop the "it's unfair" thinking and realise that as an adult we have to put children's welfare first and this is definitely a welfare issue. She probadly needs the calm of her dads house to recover from the chaos in her life.
Don't add to that!

She is allowed to make an emotional decision and her step dad is a good man for putting her first.

Wait a few years..if he owns the house then he likely to be building an asset so its worth spending money to build equity in the future.

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2020 14:49

I think it's a funny one personally. I can totally empathise with why she wouldn't want to live with a random boy from school at such a self conscious age, but at the same time, I couldn't justify paying for a house just for two days. It might be different for people in a different financial situation, but for me that would be madness. The obvious solution would be to have her there when your son is with his dad anyway, could those weekends not coincide?

If it's not doable I would at least be looking at getting something smaller and cheaper if I were him.

Original poster
artenis · 15/05/2020 14:59

Everybody here are saying wait a few years when they will be an adult we can start our life together......ok but what now ???? Just be happy as you have a parter but unfortunately cant have a normal life with him as his daughter have an issue. She is with him only two nights a week. He is renting two bed house for them, 5 days a week he is spending time over mine. He is saved already louds of money as he not paying me for food etc. Hi is back from work and tea is already waiting for him. Its always my money and his money,what his saving for his daughter for future. He is doing everything what she want and to payback is nothing. Its rediculus as on the end our kids will be on charge of our wheellchairs. They will put us to care homes and with good luck visit us once a year. That why I think is not fair if 14 years old kids telling you how you should live for her sake.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2020 15:21

If he is primarily living with you then he should be paying his way, hence why I say it isn't realistic for him to keep hold of his other property unless he is well off enough to pay for both. Your updates make it sound like you have a partner problem and he is taking advantage of your generosity, which is unacceptable if the narrative of it being "his money" and his choice to spend it all on his daughter, whilst expecting you to pay his way, is coming directly from him.

Original poster
artenis · 15/05/2020 15:37

Well his got good job but its not enough to keep two household. He would like to move in to mine as he nows that would be great for us both but there is daughter issue. And on the end if I tell him he needs to spend more time over his house and cook clean etc for himself he will do it but that will be the end. I cant see our future like that if we already living on mine from a year and back to times when we just dating. Ffs why this is so difficult ???? 😢

OP posts:
LovingLola · 15/05/2020 15:45

It’s difficult because there is a young girl to take into consideration- who due to no fault of her own is being brought up in difficult circumstances.

LovingLola · 15/05/2020 15:47

He is saved already louds of money as he not paying me for food etc. Hi is back from work and tea is already waiting for him.

This is not her fault. Why is he not paying for his food? Why are you making a doormat of yourself having his tea ready when he comes in - you sound resentful at doing that.

SandyY2K · 15/05/2020 15:54

I think your partner is right to listen to her.

Her life with her mum is probably chaotic and times with dad alone may neither only peace she gets.

You shouldn't have to tell your son to stay in his room to avoid her...it's his home.

At 14, I wouldn't have wanted to live with a random boy my age, just because my dad was in a relationship with his mum.

Her mum has forced the situation on her with step brothers, if dad does the same, it just shows neither parent is considering her and it will damage his relationship with her.

AlternativePerspective · 15/05/2020 15:57

Actually I think that the kids’ feelings aren’t taken into account often enough when couples decide to move in together. They decide that’s what they want and if the kids dare to object then they’re accused of ruining their parents’ happiness. What about their happiness and feelings? Why does no-one ever take that into account?

Blending families isn’t just about deciding that you want to move in together,it’s about all the kids being comfortable,and being able to get on. The more children there are,the less likely that you are going to live in complete harmony.

If he’s staying over five days a week then he needs to be paying his way. But if this is the man you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with then moving in can wait. If it can’t then you need to ask yourself if this is the right relationship for you.

I wouldn’t disrupt my DS’ life for any man. When I got together with my DP I made it very clear from the outset that as DS’ school and his dad were here I wouldn’t be moving anywhere until he left school. It wasn’t negotiable,if that hadn’t been something which would work for him then the relationship wouldn’t have lasted.

Original poster
artenis · 15/05/2020 15:58

Because that how I am. I like normal family life. And when his daughter comes for tea I try to show her we can be really good all together.

OP posts:
LightStars · 15/05/2020 16:04

She is said she is feel safe in my partners house

She can come over for tea not a problem but if she stayed with us over for 2 nights it was only when my son was over his dad.

This is a huge red flag, it basically means she feels “unsafe” staying in your house with your son. This also isn’t a sudden knee jerk reaction to her dad wanting to move in with you because she already only stays over when your son isn’t there so this has been an ongoing issue for some time - there is more to this than teenage awkwardness / embarrassment & your partner is very right to prioritise his daughter.

paininthepoinsettia · 15/05/2020 16:07

It sounds like he asked his daughter what she thought, and she said no. I think all considered it's understandable. You haven't even been together for 2 years yet, so she won't exactly consider you family at this stage. 14 is a very awkward age to be suddenly transplanted in with other teen boys. OP you don't seem to be able to see it from her POV at all. Your DP not paying his way would be a much bigger concern to me.

Original poster
artenis · 15/05/2020 16:08

No her mum didnt forced nothing. Her step brothers are from her firs marriage and they are adults now but still living in family home. Same I dont telling my son to stay in his room when she is coming. They are both just like that. My son spending time in his room always same when she is coming to my parter house she is sitting in her bedroom doing her stuff and my parter sitting in living room alone like a cock. So that why in real I cant see a big deal to moving together. I think is just her trying to show him she is the most important and nobody else in his life.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 15/05/2020 16:12

I don't think you've got to the bottom of this.

At 14 I'd think you can have a fairly straight conversation with her. In your shoes I'd have got my DDs psychologist to talk to her about her reasoning. Does she have one by any chance? Or a neutral adult?

My DD1 (9) said why did I have to date again. Why couldn't I wait another 9 years until she'd left home. Not fair on me. She didn't get her way.

LovingLola · 15/05/2020 16:21

How long has it been since her parents split up?

Original poster
artenis · 15/05/2020 16:22

Its not my daughter only my partners daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
artenis · 15/05/2020 16:22

4 years ago.

OP posts:
rocknrosie · 15/05/2020 16:25

i think there are some serious concerns here....

if i'd have been 14 and my dad had a new GF and wanted me to move in with her and her children i'd be hesitant - especially if those children were my age and worse if i knew them. for all you know one is nasty to the other at school or fancies eachother/had a crush.

his #1 priority should NOT be you, its his daughter and if she is uncomfortable then you need to make a decision?

MeridianB · 15/05/2020 16:28

Could this be about quality time with her dad? At the moment, her time at his place must seem much more peaceful than her mum’s and presumably she gets a lot of 1:1 time with her dad now but that would reduce if he moved in with three others.

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