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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Need an advice what to do :(

73 replies

artenis · 13/05/2020 21:17

Hi all. My story is long but i will try my best put it very clearly. So I am mother of two boys 9 and 14 and my partner (from nearly 2 years) have a daugther 14. My boys living with me and his daughter 2 days a week with him. We like each other have a good bond i think (me and her) . My boys like my partner very much. We had a thought to move in together as my partner anyway staying over mine apart days when hi got his daughter over. Its just wasting money to keep a house just for two night a week. So my partner speak to his daughter and she is said NO. And the problem for her is my 14 y.old son. He told her she will have her own bedroom,own bathroom and wont see even on corridor my son as his bedroom is downstairs and as a teenagers they spending there times in owns bedrooms. My kids have no problem with this, just her. She is said she is feel safe in my partners house and that is it. My partner said he wont do anything to upset or loose a bond with his daughter and we need wait so maybe she will change her mind. I dont know what to do. Sometimes i feel like she is telling my partner how he should live so she will be happy then. And if I will wait so for how long ? If she will finish high school and go for university then we can build our life together ?? 😪😪😪 I dont know what to think.....

OP posts:

LovingLola · 15/05/2020 16:28

Is this his first relationship since the split?

rosecreakybex · 15/05/2020 16:33

I think she could be given a couple of weeks of the arrangement she has suggested then see how you're all getting on. It's a bit drastic to agree to this until she goes to uni. She may not even go to uni.

Ease her in and I'm sure she'll come round

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 15/05/2020 16:36

She is not unreasonable to want some "privacy" at school. When I split up with my ex my kids quickly asked me to promise not to date a teacher at their school or someone with a child in their year while they were at that school. I was a teenager a long time ago but would have felt the same. Teenagers often talk about individuality but deep down they want to be like their peers. Their friends will know who their siblings are and say hi if they walk past but when you're in different years you can maintain some privacy about your home life. Having a step sibling in the same year is just too close for comfort sometimes. It's like when some adults decline a job because they don't want to work with their family.

What are the children's post 16 plans? If they are going to different schools/apprenticeships/training then that might be a good point to move in?

PerfectPenquins · 15/05/2020 16:38

How are you not living your lives when its only two nights a week he dosnt stay at yours? Her feelings do matter and absolutely should be considered. I dont think she is being unreasonable its just a shame her mum couldn't show her the same consideration but their relationship as mother and daughter will be changed by that choice to put herself and her partner before her child. Your partner is doing the right thing. You can still absolutely live your lives with this arrangement.

paininthepoinsettia · 15/05/2020 16:38

Just be happy as you have a parter but unfortunately cant have a normal life with him as his daughter have an issue

OP he stays with you 5 nights out of 7...I really don't get why this is such a big issue for you. It sounds as if you are living together anyway, you are making out as if you only see him a few days a month.

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 15/05/2020 16:39

I think it's natural for her to feel more relaxed when it's just her and her Dad? She's known him 14 years after all so can do stuff like walk around the house without makeup.

Original poster

artenis · 15/05/2020 16:45

But she wont be with us permanently only 2 days a week. Yes our kids should be priority for us. But in 4 year when she will be 18 i cant imagine she will be spending her time with dad. And then parents should be a priority for kids aswell!!! When kids are getting adult age never listening parents, they do what they want and you have no rights to tell them how they should live. So why they have rights to tell us. ????

OP posts:

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 15/05/2020 16:50

Once kids are adults they can move out if they don't like their parents lifestyle. Someone in education is "trapped"

She is being reasonable by coming to tea and not judging the 5 days that she's at her mums. It sounds like she is friendly with you and likes your son which is a bonus. What compromises are you making? You get him 5 days a week which is great for you.

If her Dad doesn't consider her feelings he risks her not visiting. Can you cope with being the bad guy if he picks his relationship with you over her?

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 15/05/2020 16:52

My son is at uni and his accomodation is term-time only so he returns to my house for the holiday.

The dd didn't say never to move in with you but I can understand why she'd feel awkward while your son is in the same year at her school. If it bothers you that much change your son's school.

dicksplash · 15/05/2020 17:00

It is our choice to have children and they are children for such a short space of time in the grande scheme of things. As parents we have to do what we can to make sure our children are not only safe but FEEL safe.

You have your partner 5 days a week. His daughter only has him 2 days. You need to take this slowly. Get her to come for tea, then move it to staying an evening but going home to sleep then maybe see if she will have a sleep over. Don't rush the moving in totally and let her get used to this slowly. 2/4 years really isn't that long if your relationship is worth it. Don't make him choose between you, you might not like his answer.

However, he should be contributing to the minimum the cost of feeding him as he is saving money there while costing you money so sort that out and you might feel less resentful of him running a house so his daughter has a home of her own.

lunar1 · 15/05/2020 17:38

Your partner is making the right decision to maintain a home for his daughter. You have absolutely zero empathy for her, don't want to know why she feels the was she does and clearly just want her to get on with things and pretend she's ok with it.

If your current setup is causing you financial implications tell him how much he needs to contribute for his five nights.

I hope for his child's sake he sticks to his guns.

Techway · 15/05/2020 18:18

I think you need to have empathy for her. Most people are saying they understand her feelings, yet you are only thinking of the positive impact on you. Don't pressure her as you will force your partner to choose and if he is sensible it would always be his daughter, especially as you don't seem to have empathy so he should proceed carefully.

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2020 18:49

I think you need to sort out your thoughts on this. You are already with him 5 days out of 7 and you don't have children together that he is also responsible for, so realistically him being away for a couple of days in the week shouldn't be a problem.

What IS a problem is if he is financially using you whilst saving for his daughter. In that sense, you are right to feel resentful. He needs to pitch in equally to anything he is costing you.

Original poster

artenis · 15/05/2020 19:01

Thx and how I should tell him about it do not him get upset or worst he will back to his own house ?

OP posts:

wizzbangfizz · 15/05/2020 19:07

It's such a short time, I'd park it for now and revisit it in a year.

Is English your first language OP?

Original poster

artenis · 15/05/2020 19:09

Nope :)

OP posts:

lunar1 · 15/05/2020 19:45

You just tell him that you can't and won't subside his living arrangements and that he needs to contribute to bills and food for the time he spends at yours.

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 15/05/2020 20:41

It's a major red flag if you're scared to bring it up.

bubdee · 15/05/2020 21:25

The problem is technically that she has to move into "your sons house" - not the other way round. She will feel the need to abide to your sons wishes as it's "his house" if they have a disagreement.

LovingLola · 15/05/2020 21:42

The problem is that the home she shared with her father will be gone. The only place that she can be with one of her parents on their own is gone. She has to share her mother’s home with a man she dislikes.
Her father is right to put her first
Your issues with him not paying his way are nothing to do with her

HeckyPeck · 15/05/2020 22:42

You just tell him that you can't and won't subside his living arrangements and that he needs to contribute to bills and food for the time he spends at yours.

I agree with this. If it causes an argument or he refuses to cover his costs then you’re better off without him.

ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie · 15/05/2020 23:03

I don’t blame the 14 yo for not wanting to move into a house with the new girlfriend and her 2 children. At the minute, her dads house is her home also even though it’s only 2 days a week. I doubt your house will ever feel like home to her. It’s right that your dp asked her and she has every right to give her opinion and say no. He’s under no obligation to listen but it’s the right thing to do. She also won’t magically stop seeing her dad at 18. I went off to uni, travelled, worked and went back and stayed at both of my (divorced) parents houses for periods of time until I was 25. Op, for now you need to accept that you’re not moving in together. Enjoy the 5 days a week he stays currently and then have the conversation again in 6 months. He could also get rid of the 2 bed house and rent a 1 bed flat to keep costs down. The dd could have the bedroom and he could have a sofa bed for 2 nights a week. Just an idea.

SandyY2K · 16/05/2020 23:10

She doesn't feel comfortable sleeping over with your son. Her dad might be able to ask why, but she may not want to be pushed on this.

It's important she has a placde where she feels safe and comfortable. I'm sure you wouldn't want your child to be forced to live with a step sibling they feel uncomfortable with.

You and he need to deal with the finances as a separate issue. Maybe he should spend less time at your house during the week...otherwise you end up spending more money.

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