Fed up when my step kids come to stay at the moment

[BloodyBloodyBloodyHell]

Just wanting a rant really. I feel guilty but I just feel so fed up when DH says my step kids are coming round at the moment. They stay every weekend without fail and about 2 nights through the week that change every week (it's all random and just decided between DH and their mum when they'll stay)

Due to our working situations at the moment it means they are staying at home with me in the day whilst he works and I just hate it. All they want to do is play computer games, it takes over the whole house. It's boring and causes arguments (between them not us).

I've tried to get them to do other things, painting and crafts, baking or whatever but they aren't interested and tbh I find it tedious trying to come up with things to do when they aren't arsed anyway.

I feel like my whole day is just spent making food for them and watching them play games. I can't watch TV unless it's children's films/programmes as nothing else is really appropriate and they are in the living room all day, I can't read because they are using headsets or shouting, I can't go for a long walk without them whinging to go home.

I just hate the days they stay here when I'm in sole charge. I feel like I have absolutely no say in it. It's just X and Y are staying on X and Y nights and that's that I'm just expected to look after them no questions.

I know it's the logical solution as I'm at home. I just don't like it and feel so disappointed when he says they are staying tomorrow/tonight whatever.

There's no structure to it either so I never know what's happening from one day to the next it's just completely random every week so I never know what to expect of my week or feel able to plan my days.

Due to lockdown they are staying a lot more which is fine but it means I'm looking after them alone a lot and I feel like there's just no escape some days. There's a stint now of about 4 days where they are going to be with me all day and I'm just dreading it.

" It never ever changes."
Because you and your husband do not say NO.

See I always feel like I have to entertain them if I've said they can't go on their games

No you really don’t. 7&10 can entertain themselves.

If he says if that's ok say no Ive got a job interview

Or actually get a job interview if your working your not available

Could you have a little nook somewhere with a tv just for their gaming, then set some times they can be on them, so they know what to expect? Then at least you know you have a bit of peace while they play (if they're not arguing anyway!) and can use your tv. Also there might be a certain game that causes them to argue? We had to ban a couple of games that really pitched our two against each other!

Im the same with my stepson. Normally love him being here as he makes the house more lively. We too get on really well and see it as his home as much as mine. However, I've started to get a bit irritable with it during the lockdown, probably because we can't get out and are stuck in the home all the time. I did loose it on Thursday as the other half told me we was having his son all day Friday and didn't think go involve me in this arrangement. After having a hissy fit (I'm blaming pregnancy hormones) we have agreed I'm involved in all plans of when he comes to our home, especially if I'm looking after him.
If it helps, we do set rules in regards to personal time. If I'm looking after step son, I get a portion of Tv time in the day. DSS can use electronics in his room, or in the lounge with headphones. Also if I have him all day, then it's other half turn to entertain while I spend time just to myself in the bath, or reading a chapter of my book In .
I do totally understand where your coming from though. The little things that don't normally bother you start to grate on you and then you feel like the wicked step mother, but hey, we are all human after all.

If both parents have to work then they must be key workers so the kids can go to school?
If me of my DH aren't available to look after DD we don't have a third wheel to take up position.
It's down to the parents not you. Just say that you have plans and they'll have to figure it out.

Op, do they not have schoolwork to do every day?

No it doesn't mean both parents are key workers. Anyone can go to work if they can't work from home @Burplecutter

Who is overseeing their school work? Mine are 10 and 13. They do school work in the morning, free time in the afternoon, plus one form of exercise plus one chore. 10 Yr old likes his xbox cos his mates are on it to chat to. His is in his room though. 13 Yr old tiktoks/instas all afternoon, again, in her room.

How old are they? You keep ignoring the question.

OP surely they are doing their home schooling during the day or is this not the case. Tbh I wouldn't put on my ex dw as it's not fair on her to expected to pick up the flack. They have two parents who need to step up.

bluestarsatnightfall

OP answered 7 and 10

@ruddynorah. I know the rules about who can got to work thanks.

But if both parents are at work then they should be able to provide care for their children amongst themselves. Op is not their school or their childminder. So if they want to go to work they can get their little keyworker letters sent off to school and pop the kids in there. And if they aren't keyworkers then they can take time off or ask to be furloughed like other parents are having to do.

Honestly I would find some studying you need to do with on line classes and tell DH that if his ex won't give you a weeks notice then you can't have them...

She needs you to help at the moment and asking for a weeks notice is not unreasonable so I would use the opportunity to stop her being controlling over it.

OP I think you're right to have a moan and to be honest I don't think your issue is solely that you're a step mum I think you're echoing what a lot of parents are feeling at times and you're definitely in the right space to have a rant.

I don't think your DH is in the wrong as other people have said, I think this is a very difficult time for everyone and you've ended up having to take the brunt of the childcare which as a step parent this is what can happen when you join a family. It isn't you and them separately it's all of you together as a family. It would be unfair to stress the working parents further when you have been furloughed but you've said that yourself that you wouldn't want to do that.

It's so difficult trying to prise kids off the iPad/games and I imagine the difficulties of being in lockdown for yourself are also bearing a weight on how you're feeling.

Tomorrow is a new day, don't beat yourself up about it. If they want to play games, let them play games. This will be difficult for them as well so don't be disheartened if they're not learning a new craft or picking up a new job is. Everyone will react to this differently and it's probably worth trying to just go with the flow a bit more. I know in my house some days we get lots of crafts and school work done and other days we don't get dressed until lunchtime and iPads and tv are the main focus point of the day. You don't have to try and entertain them at all times, make sure you set some time for yourself.

Do you have a TV in your bedroom? Maybe make it your space where you can read/do things.

You're doing an amazing thing by taking the lead with your step kids whilst their parents are working and they are lucky they have you. Just take each day as it comes and try not to worry about what they are/aren't doing when they're there. As long as they're fed and they're happy that's all that matters x

If you're providing the childcare then it should be by your rules. You don't have to agree to computer games. Your house, your time, your rules. They should earn their game time by helping around the house, taking some exercise without moaning and being sociable. It's all about balance. A good life lesson

@Maxamill you answer as if this is not a step parenting issue, but it is. As she's not their parent she's not obligated to do those things and it's not unfair of her not to. She wouldn't be posting if she was happy with the situation so it is not on to tell her they're lucky to have her, that is the kind of statement that pushes people into doing things they aren't comfortable with. It's a leading statement that puts pressure on the person to put up with something. That's exactly what has caused OP to feel like she can't say no even though she wants to, when she absolutely can.

It isn't you and them separately it's all of you together as a family

And yet OP is the only one not being consulted on when the children will even be in her home.

Do you imagine the children’s mother would be happy to sit down with the OP to ask her opinion on medical decisions, schooling, behaviour? Or do mum and dad do whatever they want while expecting OP to sacrifice her time and energy to facilitate their lives and care for their children without first asking or providing any appreciation?

Grow a pair and get him to say to her
"ExW, if you do not give us a weeks notice of when they are coming then they aren't coming and you will either have to take time off work or find alternative childcare."

Not your kids, not your responsibility to provide free childcare.
They need to change days/times so they visit when their Dad is home.

I wouldn’t be getting so involved. But if you are getting involved then l would do things your way with them not on screens constantly, bellowing down headsets etc. It’s impressive how you have been manipulated into being free childcare, having no input into it and defaulting to what everyone else wants. Definitely time to knock it on the head. Plus furlough can’t go one forever so maybe it’s best you make yourself less available from here on in

Good question about school and the school work. Why aren’t they at school? Surely the 10 year old at least must have some work to do set by the school?

If you're good enough to be looking after them, then you're good enough to at least have a say when you will look after them.

Your partner is taking the path of least resistance here, so unless you start to make his life at least as difficult as his ex he will carry on ignoring your needs. These kids are not your responsibility. It does not matter if you are on furlough. I'm getting so cross on your behalf You have needs too, you have already gone above and beyond in helping him and his ex out, you should NOT feel guilty.

They're not your kids, and you shouldn't be expected to have them. Great if you want to! And really helpful for the working parents. But you deserve to be asked. You're not a babysitter.

Boredom is good for them. But I think a week of saying no, that doesn’t suit to the exes request (can send her the week beforehand the two days you can do that week, then when she comes back with others say no). You are her free and unvalued childcare, your dh isn’t parenting. Set some boundaries by inconveniencing her for a week and see how you feel about being more in control. You don’t have to argue about her roster, you don’t have to ask for it, you send days you can do in advance, explain you can accommodate her requests with a weeks notice, but any late stage changes get a no. Dh might not be happy but if he caves he takes the day off to spend with his children.

I’m in a similar position as on mat leave, DSS is 13 though so old enough to look after himself. However my fuse is so short at the moment dealing with a teething 7 month old and stuck in the house with a lazy teenager all day. I would tell DP he needs to come up with a schedule with them to keep them busy. So a bit of school work some free time etc that the kids can follow easily. If they don’t stick to it you let DP know when he comes home. It’s not up to you to enforce it, so don’t feel bad if they sit on their game console all day. I couldn’t care less if DSS sleeps in till 1 and doesn’t do any school work before DH gets home. I just tell him and leave it at that.
I would also get a tv in one of their rooms so they can play their console out of sight and sound. It’s not fair to have to put up with that all day and with everyone stuck in there needs to be space.

Your post made me angry on your behalf. Your partners lack of consideration for you is what stood out for me. Most people when told they HAVE to do something rather than asking them if they Want to do something immediately puts their backs up.
Your partner seems more concerned with appeasing his ex than he is with putting you out. Looking after kids all day is hard work, especially more so when they aren't your own.

As for them having to work and you are furloughed, before today only key workers could work so if this has been going on since the start of lockdown then they should have sent the children to schools still open for key workers. It appears that they decided to not go down this route and that you would be doing it without asking you if that was OK. This is bang out of order! Never mind the issue of his ex not even giving you any notice. Again, your partner should be putting his foot down as she is calling all the shots here.

Don't forget the children are observing all this and before long will be copying their mother's behaviours and will be demanding what will happen and when in the future.