Fed up when my step kids come to stay at the moment

[BloodyBloodyBloodyHell]

Just wanting a rant really. I feel guilty but I just feel so fed up when DH says my step kids are coming round at the moment. They stay every weekend without fail and about 2 nights through the week that change every week (it's all random and just decided between DH and their mum when they'll stay)

Due to our working situations at the moment it means they are staying at home with me in the day whilst he works and I just hate it. All they want to do is play computer games, it takes over the whole house. It's boring and causes arguments (between them not us).

I've tried to get them to do other things, painting and crafts, baking or whatever but they aren't interested and tbh I find it tedious trying to come up with things to do when they aren't arsed anyway.

I feel like my whole day is just spent making food for them and watching them play games. I can't watch TV unless it's children's films/programmes as nothing else is really appropriate and they are in the living room all day, I can't read because they are using headsets or shouting, I can't go for a long walk without them whinging to go home.

I just hate the days they stay here when I'm in sole charge. I feel like I have absolutely no say in it. It's just X and Y are staying on X and Y nights and that's that I'm just expected to look after them no questions.

I know it's the logical solution as I'm at home. I just don't like it and feel so disappointed when he says they are staying tomorrow/tonight whatever.

There's no structure to it either so I never know what's happening from one day to the next it's just completely random every week so I never know what to expect of my week or feel able to plan my days.

Due to lockdown they are staying a lot more which is fine but it means I'm looking after them alone a lot and I feel like there's just no escape some days. There's a stint now of about 4 days where they are going to be with me all day and I'm just dreading it.

Contact is for the benefit of the children. If they are not seeing their Dad for most of the time then they shouldn’t be coming. They need to come when he is not working. Or he needs to change his work times.

How long have you been living together? Has he always cut you out of the planning and assumed you will be unpaid childcare?

If he refuses to discuss it then start invoicing him. 😀

How old are the kids? Is their mum at work in the day?

It's not really possible to do that though as they aren't in school right now and their mum needs to work in the week too.

I've never really been included in the planning of the days. Which I usually wouldn't mind as when they were in school, it was the evenings and DH would be home and would be sorting them out and we'd be together so it wasn't all down to me.

I do get on with them really well but I'm struggling with suddenly being full time carer during the days with absolutely no say in when those days are.

Like he'll come home and say 'kids are staying tomorrow' and that's that.

I feel like I shouldn't mind though and like I'm wrong for that. But I just don't enjoy the days when they are with me all day. I find it really boring and tedious and like I have no say in what I do all day.

Sounds like a normal household with teenagers at the moment in lockdown. Why not ask the kids if they would rather stay at mums.

I'm always amazed at how many men manage to find women to use as unpaid childcare and as a domestic appliance after their relationship with the mother of their children breaks down (probably because the last woman got sick of being used by a sexist).

Before lockdown and me being expected to provide childcare, I genuinely didn't really mind that it was so random. I was of the thinking that it's their home and they can come whenever. But I'm just struggling with the sudden change in dynamic now and my role in it all.

How old are the children? If they're happy playing could you watch something on a tablet if you have one?

Do you work too, OP? Even if you don’t there is some discussion to be had and a request to be made before you are simply assigned the childminder/cafe owner role. I think your DH has a bloody cheek.

And how long have you been living together?

How old are the kids?

I agree you should definitely have some say in the planning of all this!!!

That’s out of order. It doesn’t matter if you were just planning on sitting on your arse watching Netflix, he needs to give you the courtesy of at least checking with you first. Your husband and his ex don’t have the right to just make decisions about your time like that. Without even consulting you. You don’t work for them, they can’t dictate to you when you do childcare.

Right first of all I would tell DH that the days need to be fixed- not variable from week to week. Tell him to speak to his ex wife and work out which two days work best and agree those will be the days from now on. I would make this non negotiable.

Secondly I would restrict the gaming during the days that you’re in charge. They can get up, get washed, do some chores, come for a walk, do school work and when all that is done without a single whinge they can have some game time (A set time!) if they whinge- no gaming. these are the rules for my own children so I’m not advocating anything I wouldn’t do myself.

Thirdly, I would not permit shouting into headsets. They can speak at a normal level and if they dont then remove the headsets and they can game without hearing their friends.

They would also be involved in preparing lunch and tidying up afterwards. Lunch at the table without consoles and conversing with you and each other.

But even if he did check first I feel like I'd be unreasonable to say no when really I've nothing else I need to be doing (furloughed).

Their mum and dad are still working. So it's not just a case of asking if they'd prefer to stay with their mum. They can't because she's at work as is DH.

I don't really know what the answer is but I feel like it would be wrong to say I'm not doing it when I am free and at home.

I just wish I knew in advance but that's been an issue for as long as I can remember, I just never really bothered about it before.

Why are you looking after the children op? Just carry on about your day as if they weren’t there. Go out for a walk on your own. Read your book in the bedroom or garden. Or turn their game off and take over the telly. Can they have the game stations set up in the bedroom? Just leave the to their father to look after

Why's he not making food for them for you to heat up? Having them on his days off?

I know I sound like I'm being a martyr, complaining but not saying no as well.

I just need to rant. I find my days sat at home with them so tedious and boring I just don't look forward to it at all.

It's not them individually, they are good kids and we get on really well usually. The dynamic has just shifted so much since lockdown. I miss being at work, I miss having the freedom to decide my own days and be out of the house.

It’s NOT wrong to say you’re not doing it op! These kids have got two parents. You are neither of them. What you have written here is not unreasonable. Tell them that you are no longer being used for childcare, and this is why. Even on the occasions that you do volunteer to look after them, you need to put your foot down. Tell them no computer games while they’re with you

Your husband is being a total dick here. He is not treating you as an equal, but as a glorified domestic appliance, one capable of childcare but nonetheless, just a domestic appliance. Not an equal, barely a human.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Your husband and his ex must have more than a day's notice that they'll be working. Both work schedules can be put on a calendar rather than sprung on you - this is so basic, the fact that it isn't being done now and hasn't been done in the past is the main pointer to your husband being a total dick and doesn't see you as his equal.

What ages are these children, are they so young that they need adult supervision? If not, they can stay at their mum's house. You are being drafted in as childcare; them being at your house is not 'Parental Contact' as their parent isn't there. That's the only reason children are supposed to be moving between parental homes - to maintain their relationship with both parents. Not for the convenience of the parents.

In your posts you sound very apologetic and doubting yourself over this.

From what you have said, you have done nothing wrong and you are owed the courtesy of a request and acknowledgement of the huge work you are doing.

It’s not you. It’s your DH!

But there's not really any other option. DH does have them on his days off, at the weekend. But in the week, when the kids would usually be in school, both of their parents are going out to work. The only other option would be for either of them to take time off which isn't really fair when I'm sat at home doing nothing.

I'd just feel wrong saying no and then expecting DH or his ex to mess their work around whilst I'm at home anyway.

Just wanted to moan really feel like I'm never supposed to say anything negative at all about being a SM in real life.

Does he do anything with or for them?

It’s a huge thing to look after children all day even for one day. It’s so much harder if they are not your own. Even if they are great. He is taking you for granted. Does he ever eve;p; thank you?

WHAT AGE ARE THE CHILDREN OP?

Doesn't sound ideal but nothing is right now!

I'd like my normal life of working / lunching and visiting the gym in the week when the kids are at school but they're not so I can't.

You don't say how old the kids are as this would make a massive difference?

To be honest, my husband's work days are set, Monday - Friday. It's his ex who never tells us when she is working (shifts) until the day of or a couple of days before maximum. It's caused arguments in the past between them but never changes.

He's always just been flexible to accommodate her work schedule.