Fed up when my step kids come to stay at the moment

[BloodyBloodyBloodyHell]

Just wanting a rant really. I feel guilty but I just feel so fed up when DH says my step kids are coming round at the moment. They stay every weekend without fail and about 2 nights through the week that change every week (it's all random and just decided between DH and their mum when they'll stay)

Due to our working situations at the moment it means they are staying at home with me in the day whilst he works and I just hate it. All they want to do is play computer games, it takes over the whole house. It's boring and causes arguments (between them not us).

I've tried to get them to do other things, painting and crafts, baking or whatever but they aren't interested and tbh I find it tedious trying to come up with things to do when they aren't arsed anyway.

I feel like my whole day is just spent making food for them and watching them play games. I can't watch TV unless it's children's films/programmes as nothing else is really appropriate and they are in the living room all day, I can't read because they are using headsets or shouting, I can't go for a long walk without them whinging to go home.

I just hate the days they stay here when I'm in sole charge. I feel like I have absolutely no say in it. It's just X and Y are staying on X and Y nights and that's that I'm just expected to look after them no questions.

I know it's the logical solution as I'm at home. I just don't like it and feel so disappointed when he says they are staying tomorrow/tonight whatever.

There's no structure to it either so I never know what's happening from one day to the next it's just completely random every week so I never know what to expect of my week or feel able to plan my days.

Due to lockdown they are staying a lot more which is fine but it means I'm looking after them alone a lot and I feel like there's just no escape some days. There's a stint now of about 4 days where they are going to be with me all day and I'm just dreading it.

Sorry the children are 7 and 10.

"He's always just been flexible to accommodate her work schedule."
It's not him that's being flexible, he delegates that to you.

WHAT AGE ARE THE CHILDREN OP?

He does thank me. And he usually does say 'if that's alright'. But it never really seems like a question. He says what days they are staying and then says 'if that's alright' but he's already agreed anyway and as I say I feel like I can't say no as it would mean them rearranging their work which seems unreasonable in the current situation when I'm at home.

Have you said how old they are? I've missed that.
My teenagers pretty much game all day too, including lots of shouting into headsets. They do a bit of school work but I have to make that happen and I think that would be beyond your responsibilities in this situation.
Are they old enough to be left alone, do they need constant supervision? If they are old enough you could still go out for your walk or whatever. And now we can go out as many times as we like!
Arrange a box of snacks and a fruit bowl somewhere they can reach. You don't need to get their snacks for them.
How is your house laid out, is there a corner you can set aside for you to watch some TV on your tablet or laptop?

You seem fairly resigned to having them around, I think probably you can't change that for now. But you can change small things to make it work better for you.

Why aren’t you working too, are you furloughed?

You’re being a mug doing that much parenting while he does none.

OK, 7 and 10. Young enough to need adult supervision, but also young enough to be told what not to do. You need to put your foot down about the computer games. Time limits. No shouting or the controllers are confiscated. Play nice or sanctions.

You are the adult. They are the children. Their parents have left you in charge. Take charge.

I get that this is really, really annoying but the situation is temporary. Usually they’d be at school as you say, and they will be at school again. I think you need to just put up with it. It isn’t in anyone’s interest for your dp or their mum to stop working at the moment.

Poor parenting by both of you to let them be on screens all day.

Hmm, I see the youngest is 7. I would leave my 7 yr old with his older brother for an hour with his dad working upstairs. He would just be on the xbox the whole time and wouldn't move. Obviously this is not ideal and wouldn't happen in normal times but there you go.

And following on from my last comment, their dad can arrange the snacks and fruit bowl the night before. And do any of their school work with them in the evening. You just need to make sure they don't accidentally kill themselves or anyone else until their dad has finished work.

I do try and limit games, but it's all they want to do so anything else we do they just seem fed up or bored. So I end up thinking why am I bothering spending my day doing painting or some other shit activity when they aren't arsed anyway.

I think I'll try and do what PP suggested and set myself up a small corner in the house to do my own thing for some of the day. They don't have consoles in their room.

DH does do things with them and he does take over the parenting when he's here but yes in the day it's left to me at the moment.

And yes I'm furloughed.

You need to put your foot down about the computer games

I would not be doing this for my step kids. I get enough grief trying to limit my own kids' screen time.

That's up to their parents. We have xbox and use screen time limits so the xbox automatically turns off at set times. If their parents want to limit their screen time they can set them up, or whatever playstation equivalent there is

It sounds like you've already decided that it's a hopeless case/it would be unreasonable for you to change anything. We're all telling you it isn't - it's perfectly fine for you to not want to be involved in childcare at all, it's not "unfair" to them because it's not your responsibility, it would only be unfair if it was. If you are happy to offer to do it for them, that is great, but it's certainly way out of line for your partner to assume you will and not ask. The changing of days without asking you, knowing you will be the one actually affected, is also incredibly cheeky.

But you can only act on any of this if you agree that they are being unreasonable, which they are.

Sorry but there is no way on this earth I'd be looking after his kids. Would the kids still be there if you were not there to look after them?
It is their father's responsibility to sort them out not yours.
Put your foot down. Or go elsewhere for those days and let him get on with it.

There ARE other options op. They are not your children. If my sister or my best mate said ‘herpes, there’s no one to have my kids while I work so you’re having them because there’s no other option’, I’d tell them to get fucked. Their children are their own problem to sort. It’s pointless trying to help you though as you’re clearly not going to stand up for yourself. Your oh and his ex are ripping the piss out of you, and even the kids apparently think you’re a pushover. How about just for once, the next time your oh says ‘is it ok to have the kids tomorrow’, why don’t you say no just to see his reaction? It might actually cross his mind then that this situation is not ok, and he may put some effort into making it a bit more bearable, even if you do still look after the children. You wouldn’t let your own children treat you with such disrespect, you shouldn’t be letting these

Poor parenting by both of you to let them be on screens all day.

OP isn't their parent.

I would agree only if work was set by their mum or by your OH for them to do in the morning (all my 3 do school work in the morning) we then all go for a walk and I let them chose afternoon activity?

What would happen if you were working - either at home or our - or he was single? Childcare would be - and still should be - up to their two parents to arrange. Dumping it on you with no discussion isn’t arranging childcare, it’s rampantly taking the piss.

"He says what days they are staying and then says 'if that's alright' but he's already agreed anyway and as I say I feel like I can't say no as it would mean them rearranging their work which seems unreasonable in the current situation when I'm at home."

"It's his ex who never tells us when she is working (shifts) until the day of or a couple of days before maximum. It's caused arguments in the past between them but never changes."

Well why should she change if she's never told 'no'? You and your husband need to have A Talk, and you need to be less like a doormat here. You want notice of having the children, and if you don't get enough notice then the answer is NO. None of this " 'if that's alright' " shite - just a straight 'No, that's too short notice'. If she has to rearrange her work - good. It's called consequences for her not keeping you informed. She is the one wanting you to do something (care for her children) so she is the one that must meet your requirement for notice. You don't seem to see that right now, you are in a position of power - the power to say NO.

Start by pointing out to your husband that you are not his wife's unpaid servant, and not her default childcare, despite what she thinks and he defers to. If she won't give you enough notice, then the answer is NO. Just that. NO.

The fact that you are at home is neither here nor there. You could still have plans. You could be redecorating the bedroom, emptying out a cupboard you've been loathe to tackle until now, digging up the entire garden - something that does not lend itself to having two small noisy boys in the fucking way. And maybe your plan is a long walk for your mental health and they whine at that too so NO is the default answer to 'Is that alright' and he needs to stop agreeing to anything before asking you, and you need to stop feeling that you can't say NO.

And breathe. That's my rant. Stop being HER doormat.

Seems like your DH's ex is having her days off to herself then!

Can you not ask for her rota or would that cause problems?

Set their consoles up in their bedroom and tell them to keep the noise down.

Then you can read or watch TV in peace.

but it's all they want to do so anything else we do they just seem fed up or bored

At 7&10 this doesn’t last. (I have a 10yo) they whinge initially but as long as they have other things to do( Lego, drawing, reading, bikes, footballs, jigsaws etc) they will find ways to entertain themselves. I’ve been through it with my own DC. The whingeing doesn’t last. Leave them to it and they will entertain themselves

OP, I’ve been in this situation - taken for granted by both DH and his ex and used as free childcare but heaven forbid I had an opinion or a say in my own home and when I’ve been upset my feelings have been brushed aside.

I’ve now disengaged - I don’t do childcare in any form. I’ve pointed out to DH that they’re HIS responsibility not mine and they’re only here to have contact with him. They weren’t getting that as he was always either working, at the gym, seeing mates and muggins here was the unpaid nanny. I’m now much happier and less stressed. They’re only here now when he’s here to look after them.

There is nothing wrong with you making this change for yourself. Don’t be a mug. Make the changes and don’t feel bad.

"I do try and limit games, but it's all they want to do so anything else we do they just seem fed up or bored."
Good. Boredom is a motivator. They will find something else to do.

See I always feel like I have to entertain them if I've said they can't go on their games. Which tbh I don't want to spend my whole day doing, trying to think of new activities etc...

I am a pushover I always have been. I know that it's my problem. I always need to be pushed to stand up for myself.

Can you not ask for her rota or would that cause problems?

DH has tried this so many times. It never ever changes. It's been a problem between them for as long as I've been with him.

I'd let them go on their consoles. If the parents don't like they can parent them themselves.