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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Letting ex into the house

58 replies

Esky0 · 03/05/2020 07:44

This happened a while ago but it bothered me and I need to know how others would feel. Partner and I bought a house beginning of last year. I went to stay with my family for just over a week to visit them whilst partner stayed behind for work. During that time he had his children over and he invited the ex into the house so they could continue chatting. She hadn't been in the house before or the previous as far as I'm aware (which was my house) or been invited in since - probably because usually I'm here. I just feel that as soon as I'm out the picture he is happy to invite her in. Something similar had happened before too. I just felt a bit put out by it even though I know she is the mother of his children. If we all got along and were one happy clappy family I doubt I'd care. But we're not and I doubt it ever will happen now.

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 03/05/2020 15:51

I wouldn't mind if do invited his ex in but that's because we get on well. If she ignored me or was otherwise rude to me and it had to happen in secret when I wasn't there I'd have a massive issue.

Original poster

Esky0 · 03/05/2020 15:59

He does what he wants and to an extent I do too. But he has lied about things like this in the past and I just don't understand why unless there is something to hide.

OP posts:

IronShame · 03/05/2020 18:33

It would be the secretiveness of it to me.

I wouldn't care but this on top of he has lied about things like this in the past would be why I was annoyed. I'd wonder why he only wanted to talk to her when I wasn't there.

Anotherdayinmumlife · 04/05/2020 07:20

I wouldn't like it one bit. And don't let him make you feel like you're in the wrong for having feelings about it.

JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 04/05/2020 07:47

I usually go into my ex's house for a chat when picking up/dropping off DS, including when his gf isn't there. We usually talk about child stuff while nagging at DS to make sure he's got everything, sometimes small talk too.
Theres nothing to it. The romantic relationship is well over but it makes for smoother sailing for co-parenting.
Not saying it's the same thing. That would depend on a lot of factors but a few minutes small talk helps to keep a good co-parenting relationship imo.

JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 04/05/2020 07:47

Should mention its rarely more than 5 minutes for us.

SandyY2K · 04/05/2020 07:58

He knows you don't want her in the house, but if you aren't there he is quite happy to have her in for a little chat, as it doesn't seem he has an issue with her.

I think that's basically what it is. If he's able to go on her house, it's nice the other way round and its something their child could well pick up on.

FlowerArranger · 04/05/2020 07:58

I said I didn't like it and he basically thinks I'm being a dick about it. Unfortunately for him he created this situation where we can't all just get along and now the price is being paid by everyone. ... they now get on well. In fact the irony being their relationship is probably better than mine and his atm. Sad but true.

Reading your opening post, I immediately thought there must be more to it. What's actually going on?

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 04/05/2020 08:15

If she has been rude to you, threatened you or threatened any children you have then you would have a point. (My DP's ex falls into the latter category.)

If she hasn't then it's one of these occasions in life them you have to grit your teeth.

You need to sort out your relationship with your partner and ignore her as she is a distraction not the cause of what's wrong in your relationship.

Mombie2016 · 04/05/2020 08:40

It all depends on the dynamics between each adult.

ExDP has a key to my house, I have a key to his. Initially his Mum was his spare key holder but she kept letting herself in and was rearranging stuff, she even walked in when he was mid date with someone I see him twice a week with pick up/drop off so he asked if I'd keep it instead (his sister also has one). I've had it 5 years and never used it, because I've never wanted nor needed to.

The main point is that ExDP is single, I imagine when he gets into a LTR then I'll hand the key over. I'm also single.

I've only been in his house a handful of times, when he first bought it he wanted to show it to me, when I moved house last year I showed him round too. He comes into my house at pick up and drop off cos our DC are faffers

If I was regularly going into his house, and he had a DP that didn't like it, I would probably minimise how often I went it but I wouldn't stop it completely, because our DC need to see the continued good co parenting, regardless of any other adults involved.

Sickandscared · 04/05/2020 20:52

I would not like this and I'm saying that as someone who always invited my dp's ex in.

It's the fact it doesn't happen when you're there. So it should not happen when you're not. He's setting up a 'she is out, you can come in' vibe which is very very subtly looking like an alliance between them instead of you and him.

I doubt he sees it like that however and just goes for the easy option. You need to talk to him and listen to him. He obviously wants things to improve communication wise with her. But you both need to be united on rules and expectations.

AlternativePerspective · 04/05/2020 21:02

In what way has he created the difficulty between. You though OP?

I wonder if he’s deliberately gaslighted you both so you don’t get on perhaps?

If my ex ever comes round here I invite him in rather than leaving him standing on the s doorstep,it just seems rude to do that,and besides we’re all adults no?

Life’s too short for all this animosity,and if he’s the one who created the problems between you then the issue is with him and not her isn’t it? So perhaps if you just let it go it would frustrate him more. .

Jamjar18 · 04/05/2020 21:12

I wouldn’t like it at all. In fact I would be fuming if I found out. My DH has been into his ex’s house but that is when he had to extract DSS because he was behaving badly and was hiding in his room (he has ADHD and is dreadful to his mother). But not for general chit chat. Some people have co-parenting relationships where that works, others don’t. If you don’t feel comfortable with it then it’s not ok, it’s your home too.

TorkTorkBam · 04/05/2020 21:18

Were you the OW and now he is skulking around suspiciously while living with you?

SandyY2K · 05/05/2020 12:29

@Esky0

Unfortunately for him he created this situation where we can't all just get along

How did he create the situation?

Original poster

Esky0 · 05/05/2020 14:15

Not the other woman. There was no other woman or man so far as I'm aware. Looking back they clearly had unresolved issues though which should've been sorted out. Unfortunately they weren't before they both moved on and this created tension which resulted in lies etc which was anyone will know destroys trust.

OP posts:

IndieTara · 05/05/2020 14:27

It would be the secretiveness I wouldn't like and I'd have to get to the bottom of it.
XH always invited me in when I drop DD off and offers me coffee, days I 'must' stay for dinner but I never do. I am civil for DD's sake but don't want to be anywhere near him

Cloverforever · 05/05/2020 15:03

Sounds like you are the one with the issues, not him and his ex, and he didn’t tell you to avoid a having a row.

This happened over a year ago and you’re still stressing about it?

SandyY2K · 05/05/2020 17:34

the price is being paid by everyone.

They both seem find about things now. You said their relationship is better than yours and his......How is the price being paid by everyone?

I suspect there may be more to this than her coming in the house....perhaps other issues in your relationship which have made this continue to niggle you.

TorkTorkBam · 05/05/2020 18:16

You are being cryptic. What did he do that was bad? What is going wrong with you now? Is it all the same root cause, e.g. he is selfish or lazy or a cokehead or something?

TorkTorkBam · 05/05/2020 18:18

Btw ex coming into the house is completely normal in my social circle except where there was abuse. The ex not popping in for a chat about the kids when the new partner is around, only one on one with the ex is also normal.

Original poster

Esky0 · 05/05/2020 19:05

@Cloverforever I am the one with the issues. I have said that and this is the reason for my post. To guage how others work things.

@SandyY2K I meant that we can't all be one big happy family. It would make certain situations easier. I meant to imply that in my OP. And yes again it is me with the issue.

@TorkTorkBam sorry for being cryptic what happened is in the past and that is where it stays. What's wrong with me? I honestly don't know...

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 05/05/2020 19:24

What happened in the past is NOT staying in the past. It is in most of your posts. Perhaps you wish it were in the past, you may have agreed to leave it in the past, but clearly it is a critical factor in your present.

daftgeranium · 05/05/2020 19:52

I think it's bang out of order of your DP, if you're not comfortable with the ex being in your house then they shouldn't be there. Having kids doesn't give you an automatic passport.

Cloverforever · 05/05/2020 20:02

It’s his house as well though. Why do your wishes trump his? It’s much better for the kids if they see mum and dad getting on, and they probably like the fact their mum has seen where they live part of the time.

I really don’t mean this horribly, but I think you should get some counselling to get over your issues which you admit you have.

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