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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Letting ex into the house

58 replies

Esky0 · 03/05/2020 07:44

This happened a while ago but it bothered me and I need to know how others would feel. Partner and I bought a house beginning of last year. I went to stay with my family for just over a week to visit them whilst partner stayed behind for work. During that time he had his children over and he invited the ex into the house so they could continue chatting. She hadn't been in the house before or the previous as far as I'm aware (which was my house) or been invited in since - probably because usually I'm here. I just feel that as soon as I'm out the picture he is happy to invite her in. Something similar had happened before too. I just felt a bit put out by it even though I know she is the mother of his children. If we all got along and were one happy clappy family I doubt I'd care. But we're not and I doubt it ever will happen now.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 03/05/2020 08:03

It depends slightly - did she sit down for 5 mins to discuss something important or stay for dinner? Did he show her all round? How did you find out?

I understand how you feel. I wouldn’t like the ex in our home as she has always been unpleasant and vile to DH at the expense of SDC. She is also known for asking SDC to describe friends’ houses in detail or even take photos .

Have you explained again to your DH why this is not to happen?

FlorenceTSC · 03/05/2020 08:20

@Esky0
Curious to read your answers to @MeridianB questions.

You say that you are not getting along. Is that just between you and the mother or are there also tensions between you+partner and her?
Sometimes, if the relationship with the mother is tensed on a regular basis with both her ex and his new partner, she might feel a bit more relaxed when the new partner is not around. And for the man, having a normal conversation where he is not being screamed at or attacked is good enough as it can be the only time that he gets to discuss the children's interests without the adult drama being thrown in the mix.

It is normal that you feel betrayed and that it annoys you. May I ask you if you felt a hint of jealousy too? It doesn't mean that you think something is going to happen when you turn your back, it may just be that fear of not knowing what was said.

Also, I'm curious to know why you think Underline: "But we're not and I doubt it ever will happen now."

Original poster

Esky0 · 03/05/2020 08:24

General chit chat I was told. Not an important issue just being friendly. He says he didn't show her round but I think he probably did downstairs at least. I found out because he mentioned something I questioned it and he told me.

She sounds a delight! I have had issues and I find it all depressing tbh.

I have. I said I didn't like it and he basically thinks I'm being a dick about it. Unfortunately for him he created this situation where we can't all just get along and now the price is being paid by everyone.

OP posts:

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 03/05/2020 08:26

I don’t see the issue. He invited the mother of his children into their home.

Isitrainingihadntnoticed · 03/05/2020 08:29

Absolutely no issue hear, my ex invites me in to chat about our DD and invite Dps ex in to talk about his kids. It's called manners and the fact you all care and love these little human beings.

Isitrainingihadntnoticed · 03/05/2020 08:30

*no issue here

longtimecomin · 03/05/2020 08:30

Maybe he was showing off, 'look how well I'm doing now without you'

Original poster

Esky0 · 03/05/2020 08:40

It would be great to have no issues and I'm pleased that others don't. However, he won't invite her in if I'm here. She just ignores me and I would only say hi and probably move out their way. The issue is I feel it is done behind my back and this has happened before. I feel like a fool.

@FlorenceTSC it hasn't in the last however many years. I don't see why it would suddenly change.

OP posts:

Bollss · 03/05/2020 08:40

I would hate it. I don't let anyone I don't like into my home. Ex would be no different. He is the one who's out of order.

funinthesun19 · 03/05/2020 08:42

Maybe he was showing off, 'look how well I'm doing now without you'

Hopefully it was this OP.

KaptenKrusty · 03/05/2020 08:48

I don’t get the issue here?

My husband sometimes stays at his exes house in the spare room (his son and her live In a different country so when he visits he needs to stay there as he wouldn’t be able to get a hotel every-time it would be so expensive !

She lives with her partner and he has no problem with this set up either!

His ex has been in our house too when she’s been in town - again she is welcome! It’s not ideal and I’d not particularly love having her over but we all share the child and need to make it work!

We will be doing a house step later in the year (obviously only if travel is allowed)

Herself and her partner will come and stay in our London flat for a week and we will go to her house and stay there with the child for a week as a little holiday!

I think maybe you issue is that it was done secretly and why doesn’t she come in when you are there? I’d wonder about that perhaps - but otherwise i don’t get the problem

redwoodmazza · 03/05/2020 08:52

I wouldn't be happy with this either. It would make me feel very uncomfortable.

Original poster

Esky0 · 03/05/2020 08:52

@kaptenkrusty sounds ideal if that's a happy set up. Ours isn't. The issue is your last paragraph.

OP posts:

FlorenceTSC · 03/05/2020 09:01

@Esky0
I know it feels like that now, but you don't know what the future holds.
I'm not saying it will be a fairy tale in the end, but it could be a better situation than it is now.
We don't always get along with people, at work for example, but it doesn't mean that we can't make it work. For the children's sake and also because drama is exhausting.

I have had some extreme situations with my husband's ex, she would start a screaming contest, insult me (c, b and w*) and even challenge me to fight with her in front of the children... It has taken lots of time and tongue biting, but we are finally in a better place and the children are just so happy when we can all (us + her and her new partner) have dinner together. It doesn't happen often and we know that it can all explode tomorrow, but it is a huge improvement. We have come a long way and I never thought it would be possible. I was just like you.

As for the main issue there, on the plus side your partner has told you. That's because there is nothing to hide. So I understand that you feel like you were played, but I don't think there is anything malicious to it.

KaptenKrusty · 03/05/2020 09:03

Yeah I think that bother me that actually if my husband was secretive about it - The Main reason why I have. I problem with our set up is because he is always upfront about everything and wouldn’t and has never hidden any of it from me!

FlorenceTSC · 03/05/2020 09:29

@KaptenKrusty
A little bit similar to my husband, his ex, the kids and I. We have been birdnesting since their split 5 years ago.
It has its challenges and hasn't always worked, but it got better and in the end it is what's best for the children...

Original poster

Esky0 · 03/05/2020 09:41

It has all been a bit secretive in the past. Ah wouldn't it be nice to press a reset button and start again. Hopefully we'd do a better job of it second time round.

OP posts:

Starlight1243 · 03/05/2020 09:52

Are you both very young op? He invited her in for a chat which is good to maintain a good coparent relationship. She may feel uncomfortable with you or visa versa are you a new partner or been around awhile.

MeridianB · 03/05/2020 10:37

Wow @FlorenceTSC that’s impressive. Are both parents able to sustain their own adult relationships though?

FlorenceTSC · 03/05/2020 10:48

@MeridianB
Both parents understood from the beginning that without that solution they would both be losing lots of money and wouldn't be able to live in a house half as big, so... Also, my step daughters both have autism and it was a no brainer to keep them in their house.

It took some time and some rules, of course. Each set of parent+step parent have their own room, we don't stay in the house at the same time ever (we tried on the odd night when they were going away with the girls the next day early and an incident broke at 4 in the morning for stupid reasons).

As I always say to people when we talk about it, it is GREAT for the children and not ideal for the adults. But it has allowed he children to go through the divorce with very minimal disruption which is very important especially for kids with ASD. There has been plenty of drama around other things in the past 5 years, so at least their safe haven is just that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2020 10:48

It’s your home as much as it’s his and I don’t think he’s been very considerate of you. Does he go into her house?

Original poster

Esky0 · 03/05/2020 12:23

Bloody hell @FlorenceTSC I'm impressed. I'll be honest I wouldn't be able to do that nor would I want to. Great for any parent and step parent that can.

@AnneLovesGilbert yes he does. He will also go over in an evening on the odd occasion. It's her own property and they now get on well. In fact the irony being their relationship is probably better than mine and his atm. Sad but true.

OP posts:

Stantons · 03/05/2020 14:32

YANBU under no circumstances will she be invited into our home. I made this very clear to OH before we moved in together and it would be a real deal breaker for me.

That said I have friends who get on well with their OHs ex and will stop for a coffee and chat. It does depend on the background

Starlight1243 · 03/05/2020 15:01

By you're own admission their relationship is better than you're own are you threatened by her op?

MeridianB · 03/05/2020 15:47

You have strong views about this @Esky0 and he knew that. Is he like this about other things? Is his view that because he doesn’t agree he’ll do as pleases?

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